Heartbeats and Heartache

Hello, Aymeh! I'm Jon! This has zero reviews! I'll fix that!

You've always been my weakness, right from the start.

This line was good. However when you put in "Right" it stops the flow. This line would be close to perfect if you just left it out. sometimes when you put less in, you get more.

Your charm, your wit, your lies, your danger,

The remedy for my perfect stranger,

I love the rhythm in those two lines, definitely my favorite of the poem.

Making me feel like I'm complete,

To have such great lines above, you almost have to have a good ending to it. This was similar to the first line I commented on. "I'm" takes away from this poem and halts the flow. Replace "I'm" with "I was". But, that's only an opinion. However, I urge you to think about it.

Hiding in shadows for too long,

Because I know for now you're gone.

In the last line you go passed your ABAB rhyme structure. In this stanza you have ABAC "Long" does not rhyme with "Gone". However, I don't know if having the British *Accent* would make it seem like it rhymed. If it doesn't really rhyme with however you pronounce it, then I suggest a change of words.
Overall: I liked this. I really couldn't find much wrong with this. *Gold Star* I look forward to more of your poetry.

You lied and lied yet I believed,

I always ran back, you always deceived,

With cruel intentions, you'd break my heart,

You've always been my weakness, right from the start. ---->get rid of "right" here



Your charm, your wit, your lies, your danger,

The remedy for my perfect stranger,

Cheating me into a world of deceit,

Making me feel like I'm complete,



Until again you up and leave,

Giving me no option but to grieve,

Hiding in shadows for too long, ---->insert "far" here. "far too long"

Because I know for now you're gone.


In times of weakness, I felt blue,

But the pounding of my heart still grew,

And although my heart still flutters true,

I know I cannot be with you.


This was really good. Better than a lot of the other stuff that I've read here so far. Keep on writing!

I don't usually like rhyming poems with two line rhyming, but you actually made it sound good.

I especially liked this stanza:

Your charm, your wit, your lies, your danger,

The remedy for my perfect stranger,

Cheating me into a world of deceit,

Making me feel like I'm complete,


Although the last line throws the rhythm off a tad.

But overall, good work! ;D

AymehMonz wrote:You lied and lied yet I believed,
I always ran back, you always deceived,
With cruel intentions, you'd break my heart,
You've always been my weakness, right from the start.

Your charm, your wit, your lies, your danger,
The remedy for my perfect stranger,
Cheating me into a world of deceit,
Making me feel like I'm complete,

Until again you up and leave,
Giving me no option but to grieve,
Hiding in shadows for too long,
Because I know for now you're gone.

In times of weakness, I felt blue,
But the pounding of my heart still grew,
And although my heart still flutters true,
I know I cannot be with you.

I really liked this. My favourite is the second stanza, the flow of it is great. You tell the story well, and the emotion of it is good to. Well done

Although this is one of those 'love poems' that I usually am tired of, I thought that you did a really good job. Your choice of words made it really interesting to read.

The only problem I had was:

AymehMonz wrote:
You've always been my weakness, right from the start.
.

Take out the 'right.' It doesn't sound...right. XD

Overall, not bad. I'm looking forward to more!
Keep up the good work! ^^

Thank you for the feedback everyone!
I will take it all into consideration and make ammendments shortly! x

I found some typical rhyme schemes throughout and I got the usual melancholy feeling associated with a love lost.

It was good, in topic and overall composition, but I think you could have done alot more, your writing holds the potential for something greater than this.

The short 4 line stanzas was easy to follow but a bit monotonous when it comes down to it.

Overall it was enjoyable, but I'd aspire for more.

Exe's and Oh's, Eraqio.

I loved this!

Your poem had great rhythm and I could follow it easily and understnad what you were trying to say the whole way through it!

I'm probably just repeating what everyone else has said but I have to say it all over because I really did love your poem!

I'm really not good when it comes to grammar but as I read your poem I couldn't make out any clear grammar mistakes which is a great plus.

I especially loved the way you closed the poem. The last line fitted extremely well with the rest of the poem so that helped with the flow of it. The flow of your poem was also, obviously, amazing! It helped me read it with ease.

To be honest it feelt like I was actually in the poem and I love it when a poem or a story has that effect on me!

Everything seems to work so naturaly as well which in my opinion is the most important thing when writing a poem. Your rhythm, the flow, the atmosphere of the poem. Everything just seemed so perfect!

Overall I adored your poem. It was dramatic, effective and extremely well written. I love your writing style and I can't wait to read some more of your work!

Keep writing!

Meg x-x

Thank you all of the positive comments. I know I said yesterday that I had considered your suggestions and was going to make changes to my work but I had to dash. However, I have come back this morning and made the changes to my poem that I felt neccessary taking your comments into consideration. Thank you for your support and I'll be adding more poems soon! xxx