Untitled. *Shadie Hollow*

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Author's Note: This was a dream that I had a few weeks back and I woke up, scribbled it down onto some paper and put it in a draw. I got bored one day so I pulled it out and started to work on it. I hope you like it!

BLURB
Mya is a regular 17 year old girl living with her widowed father, Shane. Her best friend, Alex, invites her up to his Grandfather’s 300 year old mansion located in the near by Swiss Alps for the week. Once there, she starts to notice strange and unnatural things happening. Emlyn keeps inviting odd and eccentric people over and everyday, without fault, one of them goes missing and nobody seems to care. Mya decides she must find out what is going on, with very interesting, bone shaking results.

Chapter One

“Mya!” Dad thundered over the nightly news report. “Alex is on the phone. Say’s it’s something important…”

I stopped cleaning the bathroom for a second to grin at myself. This kid rings at the best times. Saves me from cleaning! I can do that.

“Coming!” I dropped the cleaning supplies and flew down our narrow stairs to the phone he was holding out for me patiently.

“Hey Alex. What’s so important you had to pull me away from scrubbing the bath?” I said, teasing him. Pulling off my gloves with my teeth I could almost hear his megawatt grin through the receiver, grinning that he had caught my attention.

“You know how when my Grandfather died, God bless his soul, I inherited his mansion? I’m going down there this weekend. Mum’s going out to some party thing in the Bahamas’ and Dad wants to go skiing so he is going to stay with friends. So Mya girl, I will have the house all to myself.” He sounded genuinely upset.

Poor thing. Not.

I smiled in spite of myself. I had known him all my life but he never failed to surprise me. Spoilt rich kid he was not. Crazy, cheeky, nice guy? Yes he was. I glanced at the calendar on the faded blue kitchen wall. Nothing planned. Excellent.

“Yeah sure. I’d love to come. Do you want me to come by yours or…”

He cut me off, mid sentence.

“No. We will come by and pick you up tomorrow at…10:00 am. Kay? Be ready. Is Shane okay with you coming? Or are you just planning to leave and let him guess where you are? Hmm?”

I laughed. “Hang on…I’ll ask…”

I put down the phone and walked into the living room. Shane was sitting in his favourite armchair, reading what looked like Charles Dickens. Always one for the classics my Dad was. In one hand was his book, the other was a glass of red wine.

I cleared my throat.

He looked up, putting down his glass and book, smiling at me.

“Yes darling? Is everything okay?” His deep brown eyes watched me carefully.

“Yes Dad. Everything is fine. I just wanted to ask you something that’s all.”
I smiled at him. I was going to have to be Little Miss Perfect to make him let me go to Alexander’s house in the Alps for a week. I would need to pay extra attention to everything he said.

“Well, take a seat. Now, what’s your proposition?” He took my pale, cool hands into his large ones.

I obeyed, sitting in the dark leather chair opposite him.

“It’s nothing really. Alex was just wondering if I could go to his house for the next week. Apparently Penny has something on in the Bahamas’ and Claude is going skiing in the Alp’s, You know how they have a house there, and Al was going to be alone for a week up there and he asked If I could come, to keep him company, you know? Can I Dad? Please?” I pleaded with him.

I never pleaded. I usually had some sort of morals when it came to something like this. But not at the moment. All morals were all but out the window.

I put on my little girls face, all strawberries and cream. My electric blue eyes, exact replica’s of my mothers, widening. My dark brown, almost black eyebrow’s arching with them. I think I even pouted; I wasn’t paying much attention to myself.

“Well…I…Yes, I guess you can go. But I need numbers and things before you go. Is he picking you up? Private jet I expect? Hmm?” He looked at me down his rectangle glasses. He smiled gently, eyes sparkling with curiosity.

“Yes. He is picking me up at 10 tomorrow morning. Then we are flying there. Claude is flying with us Dad. Don’t worry. I guess I should go and pack.”

He nodded. “Yes. You should. Call me if you need anything sweetpea.”

He smiled back and went to reading his book again.

I walked back into the kitchen picking up the phone. “All systems go commander.” I said, gleefully.

“Fantastic, I’ll see you then. Catch you tomorrow.” And the line went dead.

I flew up the stairs, smiling to myself. This is going to be the best time of my life.
I walked into my massive room and into my walk-in robe. It was just as big as my room. I walked to the back left hand side section. The winter section. Being the neat freak I was, everything I owned, clothing wise, was organized into compartments. Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring.

I grabbed out two massive suitcases, their metallic silver sheen glinting in the light. I lugged them out onto my bed, flinging them open in my haste. I searched the winter shelves for my week’s lot of clothes. I think I should be classy, but casual. I pulled out my Louis Vuitton trench coat, my jumpers and tops, a few pairs of jeans and tracksuit pants. And all my toiletries.

Now, the other suitcase would hold shoes. I was a shoe fiend. My Dad knew I was obsessed, but he never complained when I brought home a new pair. Sometimes he’d even laugh and say I was a wealthier version of my mother. This memory made me smile.

I wasn’t a lot like her, looks wise that is. But as far as personality went, we were pretty similar. You see, my mother died from cancer when I was nine. It was horrible, and of course, I blamed myself like every child would. I was like a zombie, not doing anything. I answered when I was spoken to, I did my chores, but I never went out, and soon my friends stopped asking. I was lifeless. I had nightmares, horrible nightmares. I would wake up screaming, so loud and hurt filled it could curdle anyone’s blood. After a while, Dad stopped checking on me. He knew what it was about and why I did it. He couldn’t help. This stage lasted for about five years. They were the worst years of my life.

He wasn’t much of an emotional father. When I said I missed her, he would just reply with “Move on. There is nothing we can do now.” And maybe, just maybe, he would hug me. He preferred to be lost in his books. In fantasy worlds where nothing matters and reality doesn’t really exist. Now, I'm not saying books are bad. I mean, I inherited his love for books and I even want to be an author. But sometimes things just need to be real. And because of his harshness, I wasn’t the softest person you could meet.

The only person I could truly trust was Alex. He was always there for me, as I was for him. Its how things had worked for a long time. It worked for us. Alex was admittedly the ‘rich’ guy, who had the looks and the brains, but he was so far from the cliché it was amazing. He was kind, quirky, trustworthy, and loyal and everything else fantastic. Although, he did have a devilish streak he never used his looks and money to his advantage. Staying with him for a week was going to be a blast.

I remember our first day together at our new high school it was the most prestigious school in all of England. Highmore Academy for Young Men and Women. The people there were, of course, vile and snobby and every morning during assembly we would make fun of how the entire student body walked with their nose in the air.

That was until he became popular. This is what Alex and I called our ‘rocky patch’. Though nothing could ever truly break us apart, my jealousy and his sudden need for more attention from the entire female student body almost did. The second he hit puberty, everything changed.

His bright red hair darkened to a more auburn colour. He let it grow out and become shaggy. His tanned skin became even more so, and his muscles grew with his new found love of AFL, he was an avid Saints supporter, as was I. His height of course sky rocketed. His jaw became wide and square, his cheekbones more prominent and his voice deepened into a beautiful husky bass. The only thing that remained was his gorgeous bright sky blue eyes. He was genuinely an extremely handsome guy. And boy did the girls know it.

When I hit puberty, I was less successful then he. I got a bit taller, but I was still a shortie against Alex. My skin became a more porcelain pale then just plain old white. I got a figure, an hourglass, I was told by one girl. My brown, drab hair darkened into a dark chocolate and my electric blue eyes were suddenly surrounded by dark black lashes. My full lips darkened into a rouge red and I lost quite a bit of weight, giving me more of the hardened stomach I always wanted. I grew boobs too, a good set. Not too big and not to small. And with recently having my braces off, my teeth were beautifully white and straight. The only thing Em and I really had in common was that we were both pimple free!

I guess I am okay looking in the attractiveness department, but I knew some would disagree. I once heard someone say I looked exotic, though I had nothing exotic about me.

I laughed out loud as I remembered this. Me? Exotic? She must have been on something...

I rolled my eyes. I was sitting in front of my shoe wall, wondering which ones to take. I eventually decided on a two pairs of heels and three pairs of boots. And of course, my favourite Winnie the Pooh slippers. I smiled as I packed them into the case. Alex had bought me these slippers for my 15th birthday. I patted the slippers and shoved the cases closed.

Phew! I thought, Thank god that’s over...Crap! Where’s my passport?

I flew off the bed and over to my desk, rifling through the draws until I was successful. I put it safely into my carry on luggage and started to attach all of my electronics to chargers. There was nothing worse then when your IPod dies halfway through a flight.

Shoving the cases onto my bedroom floor with a well heard thud, I flopped down onto my bed. I could feel every muscle in my back relaxing and softening on the gentle mattress. I closed my eyes, finally feeling at peace.

I was quite enjoying my little cat nap when a soft knock on my door woke me. I squinted open one eye, watching my door carefully. “Yes?” I croaked, slightly annoyed.

“It’s just me sweetheart. Don’t fret,” The door cracked open, my fathers face appearing through the space. “May I come in?”

“Yeah, sure. What’s up Dad? Can’t find a book?” I said cheekily, though my tiredness weakened the sound. I stretched up, propping myself up on my elbows.

“I am perfectly fine book-wise, though I may have to go shopping while you are gone. Though I suspect this place in the Alps would have a substantial library…”

“Dad. You came in here for another reason. Back on focus.”

“Oh, Yes. Quite right. Well, I wanted to give you something actually.” He blushed at me, seating himself at the end of my bed.

He wanted to give me something? I didn’t need anything and my birthday wasn’t until July. This was odd. Unlike him. I brushed it away thinking it was nothing important, like a newsletter from school or a new bookmark. My curiosity was rekindled when he put his hand in his pocket and drew something out.

“Okay. What is it?” I said unsure of what weird surprise awaited me.

“This.” He opened his hand, and I gasped.

It was a bracelet of rubies and diamonds. It held my mother and I’s birthstones, fastened together with white gold lacing. I recognised it from a picture I had seen Mum wearing it in. She wore it to her own wedding, before I was born of course. It was just luck the stones fitted the months.

“I know, it was your mothers. I want you to have it. Plus, as you are almost 18 now, I think you are ready too look after something so precious.”

“I don’t know what to say…Thank you...”

“You don’t need to say anything.” He smiled at me. His eyes wrinkling.

I smiled, my eyes welling with tears. I got nervous, so I cracked a joke to lighten things up.

“It’s not nearly as precious as me, ‘ey Dad?” I grinned and kissed him on the cheek.

“No my dear. Nothing is as precious as you.” He stroked my cheek and got up, starting towards my door.

“Now, get some sleep young lady. I suspect Mr. Alexander Banks will be a ball of excitement and energy tomorrow. Like a child in a candy shop. You will need your energy. We both know that boy is insane.”

I laughed at the analogy. It was so spot on. “Okay Dad. Night. Love you.”

“Love you too.” He blew me a kiss and shut the door behind him.

I could hear his heavy feet clomping down the stairs, creaking on the bottom step and his own bedroom door close.

I held up my new bracelet to the bedside lamp. It glittered and shone in the lamps glow. It was beautiful. I quickly secured my little bit of Mum around my wrist and shut off the light. Quickly falling into the dark and peaceful abyss many people call sleep.

* * *

I woke at 8 am the next morning to the sound of my extremely loud alarm. It was set to AM and not FM for an odd reason and Talkback Radio was at full blast at my speakers. I sat bolt upright in my bed. The radio scared the living daylights out of me. I could see myself in the mirror hanging on my bedroom door; my hair looked like I should be in a nut house. It was standing in a dark brown afro. This needed to be fixed. Since I was still half asleep, my expression wasn’t that intelligent looking either. I fumbled around until I found the OFF button and hit the button for the blinds to open.

There were light footsteps, then a quiet rap on my door. “Miss Callow. Are you awake? I have your breakfast. Miss?” Came the voice.

It took me a second to realize who it was. It was Alex. Why on earth was he here so early? I flopped back down into my bed, intending to ignore him.

“Go Away.” I mumbled back.

“I’m afraid I can’t do that Miss.” Then the door flew open and there he stood in all of his glory.

“I thought I told you to ‘Go Away’. Don’t you speak English anymore?” I sat up, crossing my arms over my chest. It was too early for being rational.

“You did. But I don’t listen to nonsense.” He grinned and pulled away from the door frame, running full pelt at my bed.

I winced as he landed on top of me. “Ahhh! Alex! You are the biggest moron ever. I hate you.” I stuck my tongue out at him and put my head under a pillow.

“Awww. How sweet. I love you too. Are you packed?” He moved off me and lay beside me.

He pulled the pillow away and I smiled at him. “Yeah, I am. All set and ready to go. Why are you here so early though? Weren’t you picking me up at 10?”

“Yeah…I was. But I woke up at 5 so I went to the gym for an hour, went home and showered, then walked to your house. I have been sitting in your kitchen for like, an hour and a bit. I did get bored so I may have fiddled with your alarm a little…” He grinned devilishly at me.

I threw a pillow at his face. I knew I hadn’t set it to that. God. He SO needed to be taught a lesson. He would be toast once we got on that plane. Revenge, apparently, was sweet.

“You are unbelievable Alex. I almost had a heart attack. And look at my hair! It’s...eurrh…” I sighed and got out, grabbing a brush out of my dresser draw.

“I know, it’s positively horrible. Here, let me do it. Now sit. I brush, you talk. Deal?”

He grabbed the brush out my hand and pushed my down to sit on my bed. He scrambled up behind me and pulled the brush through my hair with the gentlest pressure, trying not to hurt me.

I winced and tensed as he got to a knot.

“Sorry M. Do you have any spray in conditioner?” He sat he chin on my shoulder, battering his eyelids at me.

I thought for a second. I got up walked to the bathroom and rifled through my draws. “It’s hard to believe that you are not gay. I mean, how many guys your age know what Spay in Conditioner is? Honestly…” I shook my head and handed it to him.

“I am thinking…none? I don’t care. I hang around you enough that I know everything about girls. I have an advantage on normal guys.” He said while he brushed, his eyebrows furrowing in concentration.

I laughed. “Right. Advantage. Advantage of turning before they do…”

He pulled me backwards so my head was lying in his lap, facing up at him. “Who was the one who almost pashed a girl for $15 at school camp?”

I gasped. “You said you would never bring that up! That is a bad material to use. I know you have better comebacks then that. I didn’t do it anyway, my common sense kicked in.”

“Thank baby Jesus for that.” He smiled and pulled me up into a hug. “Sorry, I promise never to say it again.”

“Thank you. I’m hungry. Is my hair done?”

“Almost, just a couple more brushes,” He pulled the brush through my hair some more. “There. Much better.”

“Thanks. Okay. Have you eaten?” My stomach growled at the mention of food. I clutched at it, hoping my hand could muffle the monsters roar.

“Nope. I feel like pancakes. How ‘bout you?”

“Pancakes sound great. We can use my Mum’s old recipe.”

Alex grabbed my hand. “Sounds good.”

* * *

We were flipping them onto the plates when Dad wondered in, rubbing his eyes and yawning. He stopped for a second, straightened his dark red silk tie, put down his leather briefcase and then restarted walking when he saw Alex.

“Oh, Alex. Wasn’t expecting you here son. How’s your Dad?” He held out his hand to shake.

Dad and Alex’s Dad, Claude, went to school together and had known each other their entire life. They were best friends. When Dad went into computers, Claude started a music business, a recording company named CB Records. Claude’s first love had always been music, Dad’s, evidently, was books but he couldn’t write for balls. He was a shocker. So dad took up computers. They used Alex and I to keep in touch, given both had such busy working lives.

“Oh hi Shane. Dad’s good. He is really looking forward to skiing.” He shook his hand back.

“God, you’re getting stronger by the day. Firm grip. Been working out?”

“Yeah,” He blushed. “A little.”

Dad smiled back at him, grabbing his coffee thermos and pouring himself one, He kissed me as he went past. “Morning sweetie.”

“Hey Dad. Breakfast?” I poured maple syrup on my stack and handed the bottle to Alex who was licking his lips.

“No thanks. I’ve got to get to work, big meeting today. I’ll have something when I get there.”

My eye’s narrowed. His meaning of breakfast and mine were vastly different concepts. So was healthy. “Something healthy Dad. Take some fruit or a piece of toast and eat it in the car. No Macca’s or steak sandwiches. You heard the doctor say ‘You better watch your cholesterol Shane.’ I am not coming home to no father.” I held out a bright red, juicy apple.

He grimaced.

I narrowed my eyes. “Dad! Take It. You are going to be late.”

Alex chimed in, swallowing his mouthful as he spoke. “Just take it. Won’t hurt you.”

“Fine. Bye, have a great trip kids. I love you Mya. Be safe.” He gave me a long hug and kissed my forehead. He patted Alex’s shoulder on the way past.

“Look after my girl. I know you will.” Shane called as he was walking out the door.

“Will do Sir!” Alex yelled back. “What does your Dad do again? His job?”

“You have known him how long and you still don’t know?” I sighed, “He works at Microsoft remember? He is the executive of designs.”

“Oh...Okay. Sorry, I’ll remember this time.” He smiled at me.

I grimaced at him, throwing him a notepad which almost landed in his food.

“Want me to write the numbers?” He asked.

I nodded. Shane liked to know everything. That included my agenda.

“Pencil me.”

I threw one at him and started to eat my pancakes. They tasted fantastic. Just like I remembered them tasting when Mum made them.

He flung the notepad back at me, all the numbers and addresses neatly spaced and provided. It even had our planned agenda. I didn’t know about this.

“You already know what we are doing?” I asked, eating more pancake.

“No. I just thought I would make some things up. He will be happier if he thinks you’re doing something educational.” He sighed, drinking some juice.

Educational? Oh, Now I could see what he was on about. ‘5. Go to Alps Museum of History.’

“Right. Thanks anyway. I guess your right. I hope he will be okay while I’m gone.”

“He will be fine Mya. Stop being a worrywart, it doesn’t suit you.” I smiled at him. Maybe I did worry too much. I didn’t know. I shoveled some more food into my mouth, eating my last bit of pancake.

“Do you want some more pancakes Alex? I’m going to put them away otherwise.” I offered, walking over to the stove.

“Nah. I’m cool. I can’t eat too many carbs or it will ruin my physique.” He grinned and flexed his bicep. They we getting pretty big.

“Right. Okay. Away they go then.” I put some glad wrap over them and shoved them into the back of the fridge. I hastily wrote a note and stuck it on top of it.

Hey Dad,
These are for you for breakfast or dessert, whichever you want. Just put them in the pan for about a minute and they shall be fine. Don’t eat them if they have been here longer then 5 days because they will be off & I don’t want you to get sick. I love you & I’ll be seeing you when we get back. Please remember, it’s only a week.
Mya.


“What was that? The note?” Asked Alex, picking at his fingers. He clearly wasn’t that interested in my response he just felt he should say something. He glanced up at me, his blue eyes showing vague interest

“Oh…Umm, It’s nothing. Just a note for Dad.” I smiled, shutting the fridge door with my foot.

He smiled back, though it didn’t seem like his usual smile. Something was off. Alex got up off his stool and came around to hug me. He was being unusually clingy today. He usually didn’t like this much affection. He couldn’t even sit through one romance film without gagging. But I hugged him back anyway.

“Hey Al, You kay? You don’t seem…yourself.” I put my hand on his shoulder reassuringly.

“Yeah, I’m fine I guess. I just feel a bit… funny. Ever since I woke up I haven’t really felt myself. You’re the only one who has noticed though so I must be doing a good job of hiding it. You see everything so you don’t count though.” He grinned and playfully pushed me.

Wow. He almost knocked me over. He was so strong. I gripped the bench and gasped for air, given I had just had it beaten out of me. I felt so weak. I was normally the one who pushed him over.

I looked up at him. His face was so apologetic. His eyes were staring down at me, his hands held out in front of me so he could tell if I was okay. Then he balled them up into fists and held them behind his back.

I scowled back, he needn’t worry about me. I would be fine. I hoped I would be anyway. I could already feel my ribs bruising. Damn, I bruised too easily with such pale skin.

“I’m fine. Just need to sit down, that’s all.” I pushed him out of my way and plopped myself down onto the couch.

“You sure? Cos, I mean…I’ve never…I don’t…What the hell is wrong with me?” He whispered these words, mostly to himself. The pain really started to leak into the last few words. It cut me like a knife.

“Nothing is wrong with you Alex. You’re just not used to all this new strength before. That’s all. All that footy is finally paying off.” I shuffled over to him, my hands fluttering uselessly around him.

“No, that’s not just it, the strength I mean. I can…I can hear things. Things I know that aren’t in this room or even real. And when I touched you before, you felt so…cold. Like you were lifeless. I can feel things too. I can feel your life almost. Your mortality. You are dripping in it, soaking. I’m scared…Help me Mya…” Alex spoke, staring at the carpet, tears dropping one by one. I squished up next to him and wrapped my arms around his shoulders.

“Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay. I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere, kay? Have you told Lucas about this? I mean, maybe he knows more about it?” I tightened my arms incase he tried to get up.

Lucas was Alex’s other best friend. He was his mother’s sister’s son, so Alex and he were cousins. They were born on the same day but two years apart. Lucas was eldest out of all the cousin’s, Alex coming in second. He was a great guy, really nice and all three of us hung out heaps when he wasn’t at work and when school wasn’t ruining our lives. He kind of looked like Alex. He was lanky but built. He had more of a russet, olive skin tone instead of plain tan, and had dark green eyes instead of blue. His features were a lot sharper then Alex’s as well, but there was something there that meant you could tell they were related. His hair was a deep black, long and was always tied back into a pony tail. He would need to know about this. Lucas would want to know this.

Alex shook his head, not bothering to look up at me. He didn’t like people seeing he was weak. He was a very strong guy usually, emotionally and physically. Whatever had happened over night had seriously altered him. Next time I was alone I was going to call Lucas, I would make sure of it.


[/b]Okay guys. Comment Please :D [b]
You are the meteor that keeps my world alight.




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Points 1499
Reviews 104
Hello! Wow. This is long...

Anyways nitpicks first!

Nitpicks!!!


his Grandfather’s

Grandfather's should be grandfather's. It is only capitalized if it doesn't have a his (or something like that) before it. It would have to be the name they call him. But when you put "his" in it, it doesn't work.

300 year old

I would rather you put all numbers in written form. So it would be:
three hundred year old

with very interesting,

No offense, but saying it's interesting just makes it all the less interesting. Use a better word, one that will really draw the reader in!

thundered over the nightly news report.

Comma after thundered. This makes him sound really mad. He doesn't have to yell over the TV. It isn't that loud. Try words like yelled, shouted, etc...

This kid rings at the best times.

It would sound better if you used that instead of this.

Pulling off my gloves with my teeth

Her teeth?!?! She just cleaned the bathroom! I doubt any person will take of yucky gloves with her teeth!

grinning that he had caught my attention.

Cut out grinning. You already said that. Try replacing it with because and cross out the "that"

“You know how

Comma after "how"

at…10:00 am

Uh-oh! I spy an ellipses fanatic! You put a lot of these in your story. You don't really need them and it gets really repetitive. Try to cut some out. For this example you could put a "he paused" or "uhhh" or something like that too.

Kay?

Should be:
'Kay?

Shane was sitting in his favourite armchair, reading what looked like Charles Dickens. Always one for the classics my Dad was.

Is Mya going to call him Shane or Dad throughout the story? You have to pick one or else it gets too confusing. If you pick Shane then uncapitilize D in dad.

I never pleaded.

Why does she never plead? This is a good place to add some description.

exact replica’s of my

Should be: replicas.

eyebrow’s

Eyebrows.

“Well…I…Yes,

AcK! Watch those ellipsis.

Private jet I expect?

Private jet? Woah. You have lots of explaining to do. More about Alex, is he rich, how, etc... And Mya, how is she and Alex friends? Explain! Description is needed in places like this.


anything sweetpea.”

Comma after anything.

“All systems go commander.”

Comma not period/full stop.

into my walk-in robe.

Walk-in robe? Do you mean walk in closet?

This is going to be the best time of my life.

Put more description here. Why does she think it will be the best? Give some hints, subtly if you want to keep it mysterious.

silver sheen glinting

Comma after sheen.

I blamed myself like every child would. I was like a zombie, not doing anything.

No offense. This is so cliche. Spice it up!

but he was so far from the cliché it was amazing.

He doesn't sound far from cliche. He sounds like an all around perfect guy.

high school it was the most prestigious school

Comma after high school.

Okay, I'm not going to do anymore nitpicks and will leave it for someone else. Wow! That is a lot. Please reread it to catch all of them. It would help all the reviewers. ^^

Overall

It was good, but incredibly long! Please make it shorter. You could put the next day as the second chapter. It's too long. It also needs more description. You have a part where you explain yet it is all telling not showing. You need to incorporate it into the story and there are lots of places where you could do that. You have a lot of grammar/punctuation errors so please reread it to catch them all. You also switch a lot with the Dad/Shane thing. Try to keep it the same.Your characters seem a bit cliche. Alex. He is handsome, smart, nice, etc. Way too cliche. You say he is way off but how? Just because he is nice doesn't make him un-cliched. Make him more different, unique and interesting! Mya... We don't really know much about her. We only know her looks and her situation. Put more about that. Yet, don't tell, show. Telling would be: She had long hair and blue eyes. Showing: Her long hair flew into tangles as the wind blew ferociously. Her blue eyes pierced his own.
Overall it is good but could have a lot to work on!!! :wink:

Hope this helps! PM me if you have a question.
~Storm :D
"You know when you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
~~~
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