A New Blood.

I doubt this would fit what may be deemed as good in some fashion, but here's the first chapter/ Prologue of a vampire story I'm writing in my spare time. =P

Prologue

Galbor was ravenously, intensely hungry. He hadn't feasted on the blood of humans for weeks, and the blood of the nearby wolves did barely anything to satisfy the--- well, whatever vampires had instead of a stomach. Therefore, he had to hunt. But the patrols the humans sent out for his kind were rare in these regions, and there were a few towns nearby in these northern reaches of the New Russian Motherland, but that would take far, far too long to travel to. He groaned and leaned towards the grimy window, to check what the time was. The stars were just beginning to shine so brightly, like orbs of power, making a final and futile stand against the darkness, which was so deep an beautifully vast expanse. His family, ahem, his family of blood, as they preferred to be called, lived in a shack just by the Polaris circle of Shartol, on the edge of civilization. It was a perfect place for them. It was small. It was defendable. But most important of all, it was away from the prying, ever watching eyes of humanity, their greatest source of blood, but the worst thing threat to their species.

Human. Humanity. However you attempted to put it, they were the great destroyers. They started with Earth. They killed its species. They burnt fossil fuels, destroying the ozone layer. They poisoned its seas, ruining one of the most useful food supplies, fish. They stripped the planet almost all reason, removing the oil, the plants, the possible cures for diseases that cursed everything. And then they started on other planets, until they exhausted their whole galaxy, and finally they mined their sun. After they did so, they moved to other stars, other galaxies. Galbor frowned. Something had to be done. Somebody had to cease the selfish efforts of humanity, to stop a menace, to divert its course to something that could take punches from it, and throw back harder, faster punches, and overcome the hunter, to stop it finally. A hollow, humourless laugh escaped from his mouth, freeing his senses. A fierce growl emitted from him. He knew exactly what he had to do, that second, on the 16th of December, in the year 6705c on the Ringworld of Rabadosis. He would gather the families of blood, unite them for one, singular selfless cause. Then, they would attack the human empire, destroy all its colonies, and fight the giant, titan vs Titan. And they would win. The families would fight for mother nature, everywhere.

His teeth sharpened and grew longer, his whole body hungry for upcoming battles. He would aim to misbehave.

Thoughts? Criticisms? Suggestions? Possible Plot leads? There's one way to do it: post.

UPDATE: I've decided to post this prologue/ chapter elsewhere, onto the Inheritance Forums, under the user "Ancient Waffle." This overall story won't necessarily be neglected, I may continue to post further chapters on this site, but I can't promise anything, due to my frankly, quite irritating laziness. And to further prove the authenticity of the poster on the Inheritance forums, the topic is at http://www.inheritanceforums.com/index. ... opic=49594

I'm a great lover of vampire books so I had to review tis even thoguh I didn't want to but it needs to be done. Okay so This seem like a good start, even if it is a little slow so try to speed it up. I mean if I was reading this in an actualy book or about to buy it if only the proloug was what I had to go by I would get board and put it down so thats one thing you need to improve. The plot seems to be an intreasting new take on the classic vampire stuff you normaly see around so thats good but you need to go into more detail about what kind of world you are in. As for the grammer I'm crap at that so I can't give advise for it.

Keep writing and PM me when more come out.

Hey, I am Tiger and I will be your reviewer today. (: First, I would love to say that I love this. There was a couple errors, but I really enjoyed this.

He hadn't feasted on the blood of humans for weeks, and the blood of the nearby wolves did barely anything to satisfy the--- well, whatever vampires had instead of a stomach.

I like what you're saying here, that the vampires are different, but I think you should describe it more. That or re-phrase it to something like. "The blood of the wolves could hardly satisfy the appetite or fill the stomach. Although I wouldn't exactly call it that." Something like that or so.

The stars were just beginning to shine [s]so[/s] brightly, like orbs of power, making a final and futile stand against the darkness, which was [s]so[/s] such a deep [s]an[/s] and beautifully vast expanse.

I love this sentence. It's so descriptive, but it kind of distracted me because of the errors. Try what I have above

His family, ahem, his family of blood, as they preferred to be called, lived in a shack just by the Polaris circle of Shartol, on the edge of civilization

I'm not sure I like the part where you said, ahem. It kind of distracted me and I had to read the sentence over. For me, it disrupted the sentence fluency. I would change it, but it's really only a suggestion.

But most important of all, it was away from the prying, ever watching eyes of humanity, [s]their[/s] our greatest source of blood, but the worst thing [s]threat[/s] threaten to [s]their[/s] our species.

The first part sounds rough. I would try to make it smoother. Try saying. "But most importantly," or something like that. I'm not sure how to really fix that.

Human. Humanity. However you attempted to put it, they were the great destroyers.

Brilliant. I love this. It kept my attention. (:

Then[s],[/s] they would attack the human empire, destroy all its colonies, and fight the giant, titan vs Titan.

I don't think you need that comma. I could be wrong. To me, it just threw me off.



I really liked this. I think you could describe your character, Galbor, more. Then again, that may be the point. To keep him mysterious. I thought your description was amazing. Better than most posts I've read lately. The only thing I suggest you work on is describing more about this 'blood family.' I was confused on whether it was his literal vampire family or if it was all the vampires together.

Overall, really good. I would correct the things I showed above, but they're only suggestions. Ignore them if you want. (: Could you PM me when you post more, I would be happy to review it for you.

~Tiger

Hi! I think this is a very interesting beginning, I loved how you jumped straight in! I agree with the comments made before me but have a few of my own to add too

He hadn't feasted on the blood of humans for weeks, and the blood of the nearby wolves

'on human blood' might sound better here than 'on the blood of humans', I'm not sure but maybe saying 'and that of the nearby wolves' instead of repeating blood might work better here

Therefore, he had to hunt.

I think this might sound good as just 'he had to hunt' so it seems more dramatic.

But the patrols the humans sent out for his kind were rare in these regions, and there were a few towns nearby in these northern reaches of the New Russian Motherland, but that would take far, far too long to travel to.

This is quite a long sentence, I'd maybe break it up into two. Perhaps you could add 'only' after 'and there were' as well to emphasis that there were not many people nearby. Here's an example- 'But the patrols the humans sent out for his kind were rare in these regions. There were only a few towns nearby in these northern reaches of the New Russian Motherland, and they would take far, far too long to travel to.'

He groaned and leaned towards the grimy window, to check what the time was.

You can't really tell the exact time from looking out the window, maybe saying something like 'to gauge how far into the night it was.' would make more sense.

The stars were just beginning to shine so brightly, like orbs of power, making a final and futile stand against the darkness, which was so deep an beautifully vast expanse.

I agree with the changes WhiteTiger suggested, I'd maybe think about moving the sentence around a little as well though. Perhaps 'beautifully vast expanse' to before 'darkness' adding an 'of' as well, so -'making a final and futile stand against the beautifully vast expanse of darkness.' That way it might flow easier

But most important of all, it was away from the prying, ever watching eyes of humanity, their greatest source of blood, but the worst thing threat to their species.

Again I agree with WhiteTiger but also 'watchful' might be better here than 'watching' and I'd maybe break this into two sentences as well. Perhaps you could end it at 'humanity' then have 'They were our greatest source of blood, but the worst thing to threaten out species.' as its own sentence.

However you attempted to put it, they were the great destroyers.

I get what you mean but I think it could be phrased a bit differently, maybe 'No matter which way you looked at it,' or 'It didn't matter how you looked at it' or 'whichever way you looked at it'.

They stripped the planet almost all reason, removing the oil, the plants, the possible cures for diseases that cursed everything.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'almost all reason', maybe by saying something like 'They stripped the planet of almost every resource' or something like that it would make more sense. I'm also a bit unclear by what you mean by 'that cursed everything'. I'd maybe re-phrase the last part about the cures to get across more clearly what you mean. Perhaps something like 'removing all the oil, the plants and any possible cures that might have been waiting to be discovered' or 'available' or something like that.

Somebody had to cease the selfish efforts of humanity, to stop a menace, to divert its course to something that could take punches from it, and throw back harder, faster punches, and overcome the hunter, to stop it finally.

This is quite a long sentence too and I think some of it needs to be rephrased, I'll just show you how I would consider writing it and then you can take from that what you like
'Somebody had to cease the selfish efforts of humanity, to stop the menace and divert its course into the path of something that could take punches from it and throw back harder and faster ones. They would overcome the hunter and stop it's wave of destruction finally.'

A hollow, humourless laugh escaped from his mouth, freeing his senses. A fierce growl emitted from him.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say 'freeing his senses'- do you mean something about it bringing life to his body or something like that? I'd maybe add 'at the thought' after 'his mouth' and change 'freeing his senses' to a more clear description like 'awakening his body' or 'bringing life to his body'. I'd maybe connect the growl more to the laugh as well, maybe something about 'the noise lowered to a fierce growl as he focused his thoughts on the future war.' so that it is leading on from what you have said previously.

and fight the giant, titan vs Titan.

I'd either capitalise the 't' on the other 'titan' or change the other to lower case

His teeth sharpened and grew longer, his whole body hungry for upcoming battles.

I'd maybe say something more descriptive than 'grew longer'- perhaps 'extended into long, razor points.' or something to show better how his teeth appear.

Overall: I think this is a really good introduction to a story, it makes me really want to read on so I hope you continue with this!

You have left things kind of mysterious, and that works quite well but maybe a bit more description would also benefit the story. For instance where he is, so maybe when he looks out the window a bit of description on the landscape. Some sounds and smells or something like that to set the scene might be good too I was also interested by the mention of his 'family of blood', but it made me curious as to where they were whilst he is thinking this- are they in the shack with him? Or out hunting? I think you could always add that into his thoughts or if they are near some sort of awareness of them.

I noticed a few sentences that would work better broken up as I have pointed out, sometimes I thought they went on just a bit too long. Other than that though I think your writing was great! All my comments are just suggestions, hope I've helped!

Hi! I only recently started to become interested in vampire stories, so I don't have much experience in this field, but I love the way you have the vampire as the good guy, rather than the classic, cliched bad guy in a dark cloak, whisking around dark alleyways and killing poor defenceless girls. Excellent idea. I agree with some previous comments, some of your sentences could be shortened and simplified, but as several people have pointed out a similar problem with my work, I'm not really one to talk!
Just one didn't make sense to me:
But the patrols the humans sent out for his kind were rare in these regions, and there were a few towns nearby in these northern reaches of the New Russian Motherland, but that would take far, far too long to travel to.
If the patrols were rare, why does he have to go somewhere else? Maybe I'm missing something obvious, but maybe that could be clearer?
And I think there are a few mistakes where you've forgotten a word or two, but we all do that (I know I have on many occasions). All in all, a very interesting and promising piece! I hope you settle on an idea for the following plotline - it looks like it's going to be along the lines of a small struggle to gather the vampires, but then they will hunt down and try to eradicate the humans. Aah the more I think about it the more excited I get! As I've already said, I love the role-reversal of the monster and the victim, because all too often I think humans get away scot free. Fantastic!

I love vampire stories and it seems you came up with something different. Which is a good thing. Since everyone else tipped on the grammar, I'm not very good in the grammar department, I would like to comment more on the story itself. It seems you are pretty good with describing things, but I would put a little more sensory imagery. Also, the story seems to move a bit slow, so I would cut out any unneeded information and any other words that aren't needed also.

I thought this was rather a good story but you need to work on some of the grammar.I would love to read the whole thing.

You presented the character with feelings that the reader could connect to and then in one fell swoop you make him the enemy. Amazing writing device you created here.