Rate the first sentence above you

I'm wishy-washy on this one. On the one hand, it hints at a "die a hero or live long enough to become a villain" arc; on the other hand, the language is stale and uninviting. It doesn't draw the reader into the setting, character, voice, or conflict -- it's just a sentence. Anyone could write that sentence. Write a sentence that only you can write, and you'll give the reader a clearer picture of where the story's going to go from there.

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Sweat trickled down the side of Jazai's face and washed away the gray paint.

7/10. I like the imagery you're using here, and for some reason it conjures up a sort of tribal scene. However, I feel like it's not a sentence i'm going to remember. It doesn't necessarily draw me in to the story, just informs that Jazai is sweaty and has got face paint on.

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I'll always remember my first nightmare- the cuckoo clawing at my eyes until my pillow was stained crimson.

It's certainly interesting, but it made me feel pain and I did not want to feel pain- especially when it comes to my eyes! It definitely establishes what kind of story is going to be told though I think, like we're not going to be in for a merry-go-round ride here, more like the haunted house but with real ghosts is what I'm thinking.

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I was listening to a song that used to be my favourite, but since I’d played it over and over and over it made me sick whenever I listened to it now.

8/10

There's something so incredible curious about it that I'm wanting to read the rest of the paragraph, because I'm left wondering "so why listen to it, then?" Depending on the answer to that question, I'll either toss the story or keep going.

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I only remembered people didn't keep ghosts as pets when they ran away screaming at the sight of a large purple blob floating beside me.

I feel like it has potential, but it's confused. As for what it's trying to achieve: Establishing the main character as different? Establishing ghosts as reality, establishing the voice of the main character. I feel like the first two are strong, but the voice could use a little polish if this is supposed to be a hook.

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Early summer rainclouds gathered like dust in the mountains.

i think it's good tbh. it sets a scene and it's got a simile right off the bat, haha <3

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My mouth watered as the potatoes popped and sizzled under my nose while I fried them.

6/10

Description-wise, this is excellent. It's easily imaginable. However, as a first sentence, I don't think it has the x-factor enough to grip reader's attention. It suggests the follow-up would be the whole process of frying potatoes, which doesn't read interesting or attention-grabbing. I suggest to start somewhere else that captures the readers' attention.

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‘Hey, Whisperers! My name’s Halia. Halia Purewater,’ the new student said.

It kind of feels stereotypical with "introducing a new part of the MC's life". Basically, you've started us directly at the moment of change instead of a step back, and while that's not a bad decision, it's really cliche to start stories off with new students coming into the classroom.

>>
-shoves 3 years of early writing under the rug-
<<

I would consider taking a step back and telling us about the MC's day a little bit before the new student comes in, or give us a secondary plot to chew on that gets us invested in the world before you throw us straight in.

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The city unfurled in Lily's dreams.

Sounds great! Unfurled pairs with the main character's name, Lily. Makes me think of petals unfurling from a flower bud.


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Udairnil was a forest by the South Sea.

5/10

Don't know if I would continue reading this one or not--while the first sentence does introduce a setting, [1] it doesn't hint at why this setting is important (alternatively, the lack of a 'why' could be the very reason I read the rest of the paragraph, to find a reason that satisfies me) and [2] the detail does little for my imagination, in that I neither know what the South Sea is, nor what makes Udairnil specifically Udairnil aside from the very high fantasy name, or the relation of the sea and forest to one another. Perhaps if you gave me something to remember the forest by, or attached an indicator of significance (an outstanding characteristic?) to it it might help? But as it is, the sentence doesn't really capture my interest.

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His name was Jamshed Bourzuyeh when he died.

7/10

I’m bad at ratings. I do find this interesting though. I would read the rest of the page at least, to see where his death ties in with the story. The name draws me in definitely, and I’m curious about the wording. Does his death have meaning? What time of afterlife could this be? I’m kind of curious as to how he dies, too, even though that’s pretty morbid. Oh well. Finally, I’m not sure what genre this is set as, but I’m guessing fantasy/supernatural in some aspect? Overall, I like this. And now my sentence seems even weirder compared to others in this, but oh well.

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Butterflies floated, catching colors like rainbows melting into a cloudy sea sky.

So as a sentence, it's not bad. As a first sentence, it doesn't really grab my attention. I'm more curious about who's watching the butterflies than what the butterflies look like right now, and why they're watching butterflies, and what else they could be doing or what the butterflies are a part of -- are they part of a garden? Part of a machine? Just kind of there?

It's not a make-it-or-break-it deal, but I'd like to see something a little more interesting about the butterflies, or something that makes it clear why they're important. I might keep reading, depending on the genre. In a novel, you have approximately 3 pages/1k words to catch your reader, and 3 paragraphs for a picky reader (oops hi), so don't worry too much about the first sentence in and of itself.

But it's pretty decent. I dig it. I just want to know more about the importance of the sentence.

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Naith stood at the edge of the elevator shaft and let the waves lap over her feet.

Hmm.

An elevator? On a beach?
That's the general vibe that I'm getting from this. If you want the simple rating version, I would probably say like 7/10 because that's a nice above average place.

Main character introduced? Check.
Or I presume it's going to be a main character. At least someone who is going to be essential to the story in some way, or else they wouldn't be mentioned in the first line.

It does interest me with the mixture going on here, so pretty sure I'd want to see the follow through.

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“Well heckers be darned.”

This is the kind of dialogue that can bring voice with it, giving the reader an initial insight into how the main character is going to affect the narrative and what we can expect out of this character's narration and dialogues. It gives us a humorous introduction that can also be used as a segue into more serious topics, while not breaking the immersion of having a point of view character/hero with an atypical voice.

You see a lot of straight-up funnymen in satirical or comedic works, a lot of sarcastic people, and a lot of straight men -- that is, the comedy stereotype of the guy who doesn't joke. So this, as an intro, gives us a slightly out-of-the-box character to take in on page one. I dig it.

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"Do you think he's really dead?"

8/10

It's hard to find anything to critique honestly. This is giving me mystery/thriller vibes and if this were a real conversation, I'd definitely be eavesdropping in public right now.

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Even when the bed was warm, it felt cold.