It's a spaceship in a quagmire of a sentence; it does not interest me, nor does it give me any sense of direction. For a beginning, it does't fulfil its purpose--but from the looks of it I'm going to assume this is a middle-ish sentence lurking in middle-ish paragraphs. There's a lack of hook and characterization and everything is floating in mid-air.
---
Drake McFarrow was by no means a sage, but even he knew that it was unwise for one to skip their own funeral.
6/10 Though, again, it does intrigue, it feels ripped out of any beginning of a paranormal fantasy or a mystery novel. --- Hello, and welcome to I try, in short it's my version of a taste test.
That's a really drab and flat sentence, makes me think of those TV shows where the announcer is putting on this big, cheesy smile and saying those words. There is nothing to hold on with that sentence, it looks like something that belongs on a welcome sign.
When the dreams ceased and a fathomless wave of darkness took hold, I knew I was no longer on this plane of reality.
Previously Flite
'And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.' ― Friedrich Nietzsche
Colourful, but falls apart at close scrutiny. A wave does not take hold, a wave passes or crashes, it is a behaviour of motion. How did he know he was on another plane of reality if all he saw was darkness? One would think that one would have to see a vision or something before travelling to another plane of reality is likelier than having lost consciousness or sleeping.
---
Midnight, and to the hostage, the cliff never seemed to end.
6/10 I seem to be handing out a lot of these. Again, it seems like you're trying to hard to have people rate it 10/10 or stuff. --- If there's anything I have learned in my years as a mythical beast hunter, it's to always use the restroom before you fight a werewolf.
6/10. It's not especially boring, it's not especially striking, and that's where it fails. It sounds like it could be potentially intriguing, but it also sounds like it could be a Percy Jackson ripoff with the same tone and trying to capitalize on that readership. Honestly, as a writer, I don't know how well that line would continue into the prose directly after it, and as a reader, I'd be apprehensive about reading on unless the following paragraphs grabbed me.
3/10 Intensely boring. A first sentence should tell us about a character, just a smidgen. It should leave hints at the story, and lastly, it should be great. That was just the boring Fantasy opening where great-big-bad-guy comes back. --- Tod had a small brain that was located in his right wisdom tooth, and today was the day he got that tooth removed.
1/10 Sounds like something you would say if you were narrating at the dentist office. This literally doesnt make me wonder what in the world the brain is and it shows no promise of later conflict. It is also boring.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She looked down at her blood covered hands, then to the bodies in front of her.
I want a Harry Potter reboot with Benedict Cumberbatch as all the characters~~Mem <3 Formerly Remembrance <3
That was probably the most irresponsible sentence I've ever seen. Because of the lack of context, it's just a random thought that's been plastered onto the page and holds no substance. Nor does it stand on its own. The first and the second sentence doesn't correlate to each other.
Not a day has passed since Wednesday when he didn't dream about Jimmy.
Previously Flite
'And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.' ― Friedrich Nietzsche
2/10 You basically said what was wrong with your own sentence when you were talking about mine. xD --- Explosions filled the air with chaotic sounds that was a mix of both screaming and dynamite going off. The Demon smiled at his handiwork as heaven exploded into a million pieces.
2/10. Wouldn't read -- chaos can be a good starter, but this feels like a stereotypical fantasy or urban fantasy Big Bad introduction.
Advice? Go on what the reader has as prior information, not what you think might look entertaining, might look good as an "image" (because we have no background we can't form images unless your description is really good), or based on what you know of the story.
