This is the new edited version! (April 25)
plz... comment or answer poll question so I could fix things up before I continue it or so I won't waste my time on a bad story.
Be honest!
Prologue
Panwere
I was running as fast as I could, feeling each stick snap under my feet and expanding my senses checking for pursuers close by. My heart started beating fast, trying to break its way out of my chest. As I felt my bones shift and rearrange against my will, my own body turned against me and robbed me of my strength. I tried to run faster, hoping the distance between me and Ace would diminish his power over me, but my strength was fading. Ace had already started the phase change. But I leaped forward anyway, foolishly hoping a few feet would set me free. But it just sped up the transformation and before I even knew it my feet disappeared from under me and I was on my stomach slithering on the muddy ground, altered.
I looked around me, but all I saw were trees and grass. I quieted my mind and listened. But all I could hear were the animals as they forage for prey. But I knew they were coming and there was no hope of escaping. Cobras weren’t fast enough and I felt frail. I couldn’t race a snail feeling this weary and peckish. Trying to phase back wasn’t an option; wasting that much more strength would only lead to death. Death. A slight apprehensive chuckle of pain and dread escaped my lips. Dying, as if I was living in the first place. I was practically working for Death himself. Too bad you can’t kill death, but of course I’ve never tried. In fact, I don’t even think you can kill death, death itself is immortal. The only way you can kill death is if all become immortal and invisible. But, there got to be a way to kill the immortal right? I mean if you can kill death by making all immortal and invisible, you would have killed the immortal, death. But one question remains is death invinsable?
I heard a snap as I was pondering with the idea of immortality and death. Sighing anxiously, I half lay there on the ground, venom cooling in my mouth, ready to bite, but I quickly changed my mind. Me, making them angry isn’t going to make the situation I’m in any better. So I just lay there, coiling my body, helplessly cursing the day I was infected by a cobra. I wondered if hiding was a good solution. But they would easily find me, smell me.
I heard footsteps getting louder behind me. “Mani, Mani!” she yelled, actually expecting me to answer. I recognized her voice. It was Naiya, a snow wereleopard who just joined the pack two moons ago, and Ace’s favorite. And the loud grunt I heard was definitely Eron, a weretiger who is often quiet and always in his human form. He was also Ace’s favorite among the guys. They were the fastest of this so diverse “group,” if you want to call it that.
I kept quiet, trying to gain some more energy to transform part of my body so I could walk rather than slither. I would not have them walk while I’m crawling on the ground. I decided to just change into a werelion, which didn’t take that much energy for me when already in a form other than human. I slowly phased, ignoring the uncomfortable feeling of my shifting bones and the sudden change of my mood that comes along with it. At least being a panwere came with enhanced human abilities especially during the nights. Nights I felt stronger and my senses were better. I was even able to monitor a person heart beat and hear the sounds the blood makes as it moves through the veins if I was close enough. But my thoughts always got the better of me. I would get so wrapped up in thoughts that I would forget where I am and the world around me, as blind and unaware as a human.
I turned around at the sound of grunting. It was Eron—as always, in his human form. The only thing in his body I have seen change is his eyes, which were often covered with his hair. Then I saw Naiya coming from the same direction, also in her human form, which looked much like a snow wereleopard. It was hard to tell if she was in a hybrid state from a distance. It was like she was meant to be a snow leopard. Once she stood next to Eron, about 5 to 6 feet from me, they both looked at me, waiting for me to change into my human form.
I felt the uneasiness and awkwardness in the air that they felt from talking to me this way. I rarely change into any other shape than a cobra, which was the first animal that infected me. Then a leopard, wolf, lion, bear and something else that I really don’t remember—I assume I was unconscious at that time. I would have phased into a leopard, but Naiya is not too happy with me when I do that. And I had wanted to be some type of cat, like Naiya and Eron, just in case it turns into a fight. Not that I would put up much of a fight this weak, but it would give me an advantage and maybe they would hesitate to attack a cat. It might even give me an okay chance to run. Wait, maybe I can just run now. I looked at them, bringing myself to reality.
Ugh, they were still looking at me, getting impatient now. “I can’t change,” I said, trying to control the anger that always approached when I was in a non-human form that made me cranky. Yaro, the “were expert” of the group, says it’s because I’m hungry, and let’s leave it at that. I looked at Naiya, since the only sounds that Eron is able to produce are grunts. “Are you going to speak or just stare?” I said, now looking at both of them.
“We need your help. Ace is mad,” she whispered. Suddenly my head was overwhelmed with confusion. Millions of questions formed in my head, dying to come out, but instead I stood there, mute.
“Forget it. We don’t need the help of a 14-year-old boy. Just let him go!” Eron hollered out.
“He deserves to know. We can at least tell him,” she whispered back.
With a grunt, he nodded and looked at me, while Naiya began to talk. “We’re going public. We ALL are,” she said, emphasizing the “all” like I didn’t know the half of it. I managed to get some words out.
“Public? All?”
“All that are hidden, even the ones who aren’t our kind. Not exactly anyway.”
“Says who?” I said mockingly. I didn’t really see the bad or the madness of all this. It sure would save us from all the hiding. Also, humans would be better able to protect themselves from human- like predators. Not that they would be able to defend themselves, but they could build their houses with silver or something. That would at least protect them from the Lycanthropes. But who are they? How many different species are hidden? And how many of them are there?
They were quiet again, looking at me though their thoughts where obviously somewhere else. “So what?” I said, getting really annoyed with the little bits of information.
Then Naiya got really angry. “Don’t you get it? All will be immortal and the rest slaves, if we let him succeed and he’ll be king. Besides the only other option is to kill when he least aspects it. But…” she paused. “We aren’t sure if we can and truly we don’t want to. We are the only once we have got and without him we will all fall apart.” She paused again looking at me and in a hashed tone whispered “He is your brother after all.” Glimpsed at Eron with the corner of her eye before turning her gaze back at me. “He truly is the only one you have got. And, besides, this world wasn’t made for us, it belongs to mortals.” she whispered afterwards.
I grunted one of those Eron grunts and turned away from her gaze. “What can we do? I can’t kill him alone and you guys are not willing too.” I said harshly. Knowing all too well, I couldn’t even if I could, just because he has the same blood running through his stupid veins.”
“Ugh!”
“So what do you want from me.” I hollered out, even after we became some sort of animals they can’t stop acting like they know it all and have the right to judge me!
“We want you to find somebody like us, someone who is older than Ace and might know what makes him so powerful and his weakness. We may be immortal but we aren’t completely invisible. But your brother is getting close and getting closer.”
I flinched at the word brother. “But—” I tried to argue, but the sound of footsteps cut me off.
“Hurry! Yaro’s coming! We’ll tell him you got away. You have a week now, run!”
I ran as fast as I could. Not thinking, just running—letting the animal inside of me take over. Letting my instincts guide me, running deeper into the forest and into the darkness. I ran and ran until daylight, feeling all the animals around me, trying to flip through their memories, trying to find something that could help me. When daylight came and I ran out of energy that came from the mind and the animal, the were/lycanthrope within me and the tiny bits of energy I had from my human body. Then I lay against a tree, my clothes raped around my leg human—or, rather, in a human form—thinking it was Monday. I have until next Monday to find something or somebody that I have never seen or never known who can help me, something that can stop him. I got up and tried to get dressed but I fell back down and collapsed before I could finish putting on my shirt.
I woke up with the sun shining right at me, assumed it was about mid-day, not remembering falling asleep, wondering if all this was a dream, an endless dream that only seems endless to me. But a dream that I am going to wake up from one morning, human, like nothing ever happened, like all this didn’t happen and never existed.
Thinking about what had happened yesterday, I got up on to my feet slid my shirt all the way down and looked around me and saw a house. A strange house that was feared immensely among the animals. Like something’s in there that they have never seen before, that is their predators’ territory—except it was out of place, strange and unusual. Like everything else was normal twelve feet away, but that house was eerie and just didn’t belong. I slowly walked over to the dark house, with windows covered by shades and a pointed roof almost like a tower on top of the house. A dark black house, a bit like a mansion in the middle of a forest, surrounded with trees and happily chirping birds and bright orange rabbits.
I slowly walked over there, noticed that not a single grass touched the house it was surrounded with black soil in which nothing grew. I ignored the silly fact and looked for a doorbell, but there wasn’t anything attached to the door that I could use to knock with. There was nothing welcoming about this house. It was like they never expected guests and didn’t even use doors. When I knocked, I realized the door was metal, a particular type of metal that echoed inside the house when I knocked, and spitting the sound back at me, or was the house just that empty. Then the door swung open. I hesitated and took one step in, when a bat flew past me, bumping into my chest and almost fell to the ground, looking at me. It flew away when I heard a whooshing sound. When I turned my head, a woman was standing in front of me, about two or three feet away from me. She was looking at me like she was trying to identify a species of animal.
“What do you want?” she said, irritated for some reason. You would think a person who looks like they haven’t had visitors for centuries, probably no family, and lives like they are the last one in this world would be happy to see another living soul. I took one small step into the house and was going to take another when her voice stopped me. “I never said you could come in,” she said in a less irritated voice. “Now what do you want?”
“Help.”
“Doesn’t everyone.” I was quiet, and when I was about to talk—“Who are you?” she interrupted.
What could I tell her? That I was a Lycanthrope, a panwere, a werecobra, wereleopard . . . , or that I was Armani Jerome, or should I even tell her at all? Was she human? Probably not—she was or looked no older than twenty, but it was like she was centuries old. Then I finally said, “I am Armani Jerome, a panwere, a Lycanthrope.” If she can help me, she probably knows at least what a lycanthrope is, if not a panwere.
“So, a panwere, huh? Why should I help you?”
“You should because this is as much as about you as it is about me.” I said, wondering if I had said that right and if that were actually true.
“About me? Do you know me?”
I was beginning to get tired of all this so I blurted it all out. “Well, this guy named Ace. He is going to make all mortals immortals or slaves, at least planning to. He is planning on making himself king, an immortal king and none of us could stop him. He can control us.”
The room was filled with long, eerie laughter echoing through the house. I felt shivers run up my spine. Then a sudden gush of cold air as my feet began to wobble, no longer able to support me. I yawned, inhaling the sweet smell of the house, and fell to my knees, overwhelmed with the weight of my eyelashes, letting them slide over my eyes. My pupils longed for darkness as I closed my eyes and my senses stopped functioning. I lay flat on the floor, and I slowly began to lose consciousness, wondering if this was death and why death would be so serene and enchanting, while my consciousness began to slip away.
I tried to hold on to reality, remembering my days in this world. Reliving every Lycan scar on my body, starting with the first Lycan I was bitten by. It was a werecobra, then a leopard, a wolf, a lion, a bear; and then the memories of that last animal that bit me came to me faded, my mind trying to clarify it —bugging me, refusing to let me rest peacefully, until I saw the blurred figure clearly. While fighting against the serene and enchanting feeling of rest, or rather death, inside me. Summoning all my strength, I took a deep breath, pulling in the sweet scent, and I opened my eyes to the woman staring down at me, astonished by how familiar the scent was. Then I saw her: she was the blurred figure. It came back to me—she was the crazy, blurred figure that had bitten me and tried to drain my body’s fluid out of me.
I felt a sharp throb of pain on my arm and it was happening again. I wanted to yell, but only a slight whispered noise of pain escaped my lips. But this time I couldn’t fight it. My energy, my memories, my sight, my senses—all of them were being sucked away. My memories were faintly fading. But I didn’t fight it. I welcomed it, listening to a loud, eerie laughter echoing again and again in my head long after it had stopped. Then I only saw white and the only words I could think were “who am I?” again and again echoing in my head.
(But soon even that was gone.)>>not sure about this last sentance.
BY DRUTHIE
So, I, too, thought this was very well-written. And the plot looks good, although I do think your pace was a bit rushed. You have at least three good scenes crammed into this one chapter's space: the beginning scene where Armani is running and changing into the cobra against his will (which I'm going to address later on) the next scene while he's talking with Naiya and Eron, and then the last scene with the young-yet-still-old woman.
In other words, you changed about every sentence and made it short and, in some cases, made it choppier than it was original. You need to find that peaceful balance between short, choppy sentences, sentence fragments, and the longer, dragging sentences. While choppiness will make readers have a hard time establishing a rhythm, sentences that are too long will bore and tire your readers. Use both. Really vary your sentence structure.
That way none of your readers skim. (skim = skip over huge chunkcs of description so they can get right to the dialogue).
So I am not sure I'll be continueing it. I am going to take time of from writing and just read book and see what makes books so intresting and then come up with my own original ideas. Then Write!
