Innocence

This is something that popped into my head today. I'm not sure if it's good or not, but if you guys like it, I'll keep working on it.


Outside of Alamo, Nevada
Area 51
April 15th

Black military boots pounding on the white linoleum floor, General Fredrick Saloman flashed his pass to the guards before stepping through the security gate and into the Testing Floor. He was immediately greeted by two men. The first one was a doctor. He had a white lab coat and was holding a clip board. His face was white from the long working hours he spent inside, and he had a mustache and round glasses filled with finger prints and smudges on his nose. The second man was a tall, broad fellow dressed in a black suit. He wore dark sunglasses and his long brown hair was neatly swept back, as though he had just climbed off a motorcycle.

"Um...sir...," stammered the small doctor fellow. "I think that...um..."


"What is it, Doctor Greenwood?" General Saloman snapped.


"Um...the test results have com back, sir..." The doctor meekly held out the clipboard.

The General snatched it from his hand and scanned it's pages. Within seconds, the Generals face turned bright red in fury. "WHAT?!" he yelled, throwing the clipboard against the wall, where it fell to the floor with a clatter. The doctor coward against the wall, but the other man stood there coolly.

"How can that be right?" the General shouted. "That's impossible! Did you double check it?"

"T-triple checked it, sir," Doctor Greenwood stammered.

"Well, check it again! That can't be right..." The General stood there for a minute, muttering to himself. Then, almost as though he just noticed the two of them, he straightened up, cleared his throat, and said, "Come, now. Let's go check on our new patients." He led the way down the hall.

"Um...sir?" pipped up the doctor.

"What?" he growled.

"I-I don't think that their vampyres."

"What are you talking about?!" General Saloman screamed. "Of course their vampyres!"

"I'm not so sure." Doctor Greenwood walked up to the window set into the wall and pulled back the curtain. Behind the foot of bullet-proof glass was a bed in a small, ten-by-ten room. Upon the bed, a six-year old girl was huddled into a very tiny ball, sobbing. On the metal table that was screwed to the floor, there was a bowl filled with blood.

"She's been like that for three days. I've done blood work, and she very sick. If we don't give her real, human food soon...she's going to die. Same thing with the boy."

The General stood, face hard, staring at the little girl.

"She's not a vampyre, General."

The General swung around to face the doctor, a vein in his neck throbbing. "You buffoon! You idiot doctor! Can't you see that she's starving herself to make you think that?"

"B-but, sir...she's only a little girl..."

"As far as you know, she's a thousand years old! She's a cunning one, doing this just to deceive us. As soon as we release her, she'll come back and prey on our families! I should have your ass fired for being so stupid!"

"I-I'm sorry, sir...I didn't think, sir..."

"Well, you better start thinking, or you won't have a brain to think with! Now go and do some experiments on her! I want to know how we can better protect ourselves from her kind."

Doctor Greenwood squeaked and rushed down the hall. He turned, nearly falling over, and rushed into a room shouting commands. General Saloman and the man dressed in black stood, looking at the sobbing little girl. As soon as the doctor's shouts faded, the man spoke.

"What your doing is wrong, you know." The man had a strong voice, one that makes you listen and tells you that you had best do as he say.

The General turned and locked his fiery eyes on the man's dark sunglasses. "What did you say?" he asked in a low, dangerous tone.

"She's not a vampyre."

The General laughed and said, "And how would you know that?"

The man was quite for a moment before saying, "I've worked with her kind before. No vampyre could resist that blood for so long."

"And what do you want me to do about it?"

"Let her go. Or at least feed her some decent food. If you don't she will die."

"I can't do that." General Saloman brushed a piece of lint off his army-green jacket, not seeming to care of the well-being of the child.

"And why not?" The man growled, sounding dangerously close to attacking the General.

"Once your in here, your in here for life. You've seen too much, heard too much, know too much. There is nothing I can do but kill her. And what concern of is it to you? Who are you?"

"I am Nick Teague. You asked for me."

"Ah, yes, Mr. Teague. I hear that your the best of the best. You have taken down twenty-six vampyres, and your willing to kill more. You have no friends, no family, and you don't care. You trained in the art of combat, hand-to-hand, and have been hunting since you were sixteen, when they killed your parents. Three years ago, you took down a whole coven of vampyres, single-handedly, with a broken arm. Impressive. You have been in every scenario possible, and have survived them all. These elements combined makes you completely deadly."

A sharp nod was the reply General Saloman received.

The General smiled and said, "Well, then. I'm sure that you won't mind going on a little...expedition for me?"

dragnet wrote:Outside of Alamo, Nevada
Area 51
April 15th

Black military boots pounding on the white linoleum floor, General Fredrick Saloman flashed his pass to the guards before stepping through the security gate and into the Testing Floor. He was immediately greeted by two men. The first one was a doctor. He had a white lab coat and was holding a clip board. His face was white from the long working hours he spent inside, and he had a mustache and round glasses filled with finger prints and smudges on his nose. The second man was a tall, broad fellow dressed in a black suit. He wore dark sunglasses and his long brown hair was neatly swept back, as though he had just climbed off a motorcycle. This is a bit of an info dump. You might want to incorporate these facts into the story a bit more slowly, or a reader can feel overwhelmed.

"Um...sir...," stammered the small doctor fellow. "I think that...um..." "Small doctor fellow" sounds rather awkward. Could you just say doctor?


"What is it, Doctor Greenwood?" General Saloman snapped.


"Um...the test results have come back, sir..." The doctor meekly held out the clipboard.

The General snatched it from his hand and scanned it's pages. Within seconds, the Generals face turned bright red in fury. "WHAT?!" he yelled, throwing the clipboard against the wall, where it fell to the floor with a clatter. The doctor cowered against the wall, but the other man stood there coolly.

"How can that be right?" the General shouted. "That's impossible! Did you double check it?"

"T-triple checked it, sir," Doctor Greenwood stammered.

"Well, check it again! That can't be right..." The General stood there for a minute, muttering to himself. Then, almost as though he just noticed the two of them, he straightened up, cleared his throat, and said, "Come, now. Let's go check on our new patients." He led the way down the hall.

"Um...sir?" piped up the doctor.

"What?" he growled.

"I-I don't think that they're vampyres."

"What are you talking about?!" General Saloman screamed. "Of course they're vampyres!"

"I'm not so sure." Doctor Greenwood walked up to the window set into the wall and pulled back the curtain. Behind the foot of bullet-proof glass was a bed in a small, ten-by-ten room. Upon the bed, a six-year old girl was huddled into a very tiny ball, sobbing. On the metal table that was screwed to the floor, there was a bowl filled with blood.

"She's been like that for three days. I've done blood work, and she's very sick. If we don't give her real, human food soon...she's going to die. Same thing with the boy."

The General stood, face hard, staring at the little girl.

"She's not a vampyre, General."

The General swung around to face the doctor, a vein in his neck throbbing. "You buffoon! You idiot doctor! Can't you see that she's starving herself to make you think that?"

"B-but, sir...she's only a little girl..."

"As far as you know, she's a thousand years old! She's a cunning one, doing this just to deceive us. As soon as we release her, she'll come back and prey on our families! I should have your ass fired for being so stupid!"

"I-I'm sorry, sir...I didn't think, sir..."

"Well, you better start thinking, or you won't have a brain to think with! Now go and do some experiments on her! I want to know how we can better protect ourselves from her kind."

Doctor Greenwood squeaked and rushed down the hall. He turned, nearly falling over, and rushed into a room shouting commands. General Saloman and the man dressed in black stood, looking at the sobbing little girl. As soon as the doctor's shouts faded, the man spoke. You say "rushed" twice, and it sounds a little repetitive. Could you change one to something else?

"What you're doing is wrong, you know." The man had a strong voice, one that makes you listen and tells you that you had best do as he say.

The General turned and locked his fiery eyes on the man's dark sunglasses. "What did you say?" he asked in a low, dangerous tone.

"She's not a vampyre."

The General laughed and said, "And how would you know that?"

The man was quiet for a moment before saying, "I've worked with her kind before. No vampyre could resist that blood for so long."

"And what do you want me to do about it?"

"Let her go. Or at least feed her some decent food. If you don't she will die."

"I can't do that." General Saloman brushed a piece of lint off his army-green jacket, not seeming to care for the well-being of the child.

"And why not?" The man growled, sounding dangerously close to attacking the General.

"Once your in here, your in here for life. You've seen too much, heard too much, know too much. There is nothing I can do but kill her. And what concern of is it to you? Who are you?"

"I am Nick Teague. You asked for me."

"Ah, yes, Mr. Teague. I hear that your the best of the best. You have taken down twenty-six vampyres, and your willing to kill more. You have no friends, no family, and you don't care. You trained in the art of combat, hand-to-hand, and have been hunting since you were sixteen, when they killed your parents. Three years ago, you took down a whole coven of vampyres, single-handedly, with a broken arm. Impressive. You have been in every scenario possible, and have survived them all. These elements combined makes you completely deadly." Again, this is kind of a lot of information all at once. And it seems kind of odd that the General would just spout off all of these facts about this guy when he's talking to him. Spread this information out throughout the story.

A sharp nod was the reply General Saloman received.

The General smiled and said, "Well, then. I'm sure that you won't mind going on a little...expedition for me?"

This piece was pretty good. You're writing is good, though you tend to pile a lot of information together, when it should be spread out. I edited all of the spelling mistakes in bold, and made comments. You tend to mix up "your" and "you're" and "their" and "they're," so watch out for that. Now, after reading both Twilight, and the Vampire Diaries, I myself find vampires to be a bit overused in writing nowadays, but if you can make this original, by all means go for it. Oh, and did you mean to spell vampires with a y? And, since I'm assuming you did, why? Just curious. I think that if you have a good idea, and plot, for this story, keep writing.

Hey I'm Mia and I will be reviewing this today.

Grammatical mistakes/ nitpicks

Black military boots pounding on the white linoleum floor, General Fredrick Saloman flashed his pass to the guards before stepping through the security gate and into the Testing Floor.

This opening sentence didn't do it for me. It didn't make me want to read more. I didn't get that surge of excitement I should get! Oh, and the first part of the sentence should be changed to: Black military boots pounded the on the white linoleum floor.'

The first one was a doctor. He had a white lab coat and was holding a clip board. His face was white from the long working hours he spent inside, and he had a mustache and round glasses filled with finger prints and smudges on his nose. The second man was a tall, broad fellow dressed in a black suit. He wore dark sunglasses and his long brown hair was neatly swept back, as though he had just climbed off a motorcycle.

Info dump! This is overloading us with information, by the time I hadn't taken any of this in after I'd reaed it because it was too much at one go! Try releasing all this slowly.
Example:
Jane had blonde hair and blue eyes. She was wearing a red dress and white shoes because she was about to go out.
(info dump)

"Are you ready?" Jane asked Maria, brushing her long blonde hair, "It's nearly time to go." She turned as her best friend walked in, wearing an identical red dress to hers. Even their white shoes matched.
"The dress compliments your topaz eyes Jane," Maria smiled, going to sit next to her.
(Getting rid of info dump)

See the difference? In the second the information is much easier to take in and the story can go on through the description. It doesn't have to be: Action. Description. Action... etc etc.

"Um...the test results have [s]com [/s] come back, sir..." The doctor meekly held out the clipboard.

"WHAT?!" he yelled, throwing the clipboard against the wall, where it fell to the floor with a clatter.

You don't have to put 'What' in capitals, just writing 'he yelled' is enough.

The doctor coward against the wall, but the other man stood there coolly.

I'm pretty sure 'coward' should be 'cowered' (to cringe or shrink in fear). Oh, and I don't think you should write 'but the other man stood there coolly' when he's yelling his head off. Write something that shows he's still angry, like he could walk menacingly towards the scientist.

"Um...sir?" pipped up the doctor.

It's 'piped' not 'pipped'.

What are you talking about?!" General Saloman screamed.

This sentence seemed funny to me, because when i think of 'scream' I think little girl scream. I would suggest changing it to 'yelled' or 'shouted' or something along those lines.

On the metal table that was screwed to the floor, there was a bowl filled with blood.

It'ss boring to write 'there was this.. or there was that. Replace 'there was' with 'stood'. This adds to the description and makes the entire sentence sound much better.

"She's been like that for three days. I've done blood work, and she is very sick. If we don't give her real, human food soon...she's going to die. Same thing with the boy."

"What [s]your [/s] you're doing is wrong, you know." The man had a strong voice, one that makes you listen and tells you that you had best do as he say.

"Once [s]your[/s] you're in here, [s]your [/s] you're in here for life. You've seen too much, heard too much, know too much. There is nothing I can do but kill her. And what concern of is it to you? Who are you?"

"Ah, yes, Mr. Teague. I hear that [s]your [/s] you're the best of the best. You have taken down twenty-six vampyres, and [s]your [/s] you're willing to kill more. You have no friends, no family, and you don't care. You trained in the art of combat, hand-to-hand, and have been hunting since you were sixteen, when they killed your parents. Three years ago, you took down a whole coven of vampyres, single-handedly, with a broken arm. Impressive. You have been in every scenario possible, and have survived them all. These elements combined make[s]s[/s] you completely deadly."

I noticed you should use more tags in your speech, you sometimes had quite a bit of dialogue without any.

"Once your in here, your in here for life. You've seen too much, heard too much, know too much. There is nothing I can do but kill her. And what concern of is it to you? Who are you?"

"I am Nick Teague. You asked for me."

"Ah, yes, Mr. Teague. I hear that your the best of the best. You have taken down twenty-six vampyres, and your willing to kill more. You have no friends, no family, and you don't care. You trained in the art of combat, hand-to-hand, and have been hunting since you were sixteen, when they killed your parents. Three years ago, you took down a whole coven of vampyres, single-handedly, with a broken arm. Impressive. You have been in every scenario possible, and have survived them all. These elements combined makes you completely deadly."

and:

"B-but, sir...she's only a little girl..."

"As far as you know, she's a thousand years old! She's a cunning one, doing this just to deceive us. As soon as we release her, she'll come back and prey on our families! I should have your ass fired for being so stupid!"

"I-I'm sorry, sir...I didn't think, sir..."

"Well, you better start thinking, or you won't have a brain to think with! Now go and do some experiments on her! I want to know how we can better protect ourselves from her kind."

You can get away with this for one or two lines of dialogue, but not more. This is because it gets harder and harder to keep track of who's saying what!


Characters
Try work on these more, make them more your own characters and not cliche ones (you know, the mean general, the stammering scientist, the dare devil). Give them other qualities so we don't necessarily know what they're going to say next, but you keep us guessing! This makes the story more interesting a bit unpredictable. (Up to a certain point, you have to keep the same set of characteristics obviously to keep their personality constant and not ever-changing.)

Descriptions
These could use a little work, try improve on the way you describe something. Don't just say something is happening, show it! Show it through actions, speech, dialogue etc. I have to know how you know they're feeling a certain way. You say the general is angry... how do you know this? Tell me so I can see it for myself and really get caught up in your story!
Example:
1/The general was angry.

2/ The general's face grew red as he stomped towards the cowering scientist.
"What did you say?" he growled, punching the empty wall a few inches next to the scientist's face.

See the difference? The first is an example of telling, the second is one of showing.

Plot
I don't really know much about what's going on at the moment. So can't really comment on this.

Overall
I think this has lots of potential. The story interested me and I'd love to read more of it! Just fix up the things I pointed up above and this could be great!

Keep up the awesome work.
P.M me if you have any questions or if you need any other reviews!
xxMiaxx

"I-I don't think that their vampyres."


"What are you talking about?!" General Saloman screamed. "Of course their vampyres!"

Change "their" to "they're"

"She's been like that for three days. I've done blood work, and she's very sick. If we don't give her real, human food soon...she's going to die. Same thing with the boy."

"Ah, yes, Mr. Teague. I hear that your the best of the best. You have taken down twenty-six vampyres, and your willing to kill more. You have no friends, no family, and you don't care. You trained in the art of combat, hand-to-hand, and have been hunting since you were sixteen, when they killed your parents. Three years ago, you took down a whole coven of vampyres, single-handedly, with a broken arm. Impressive. You have been in every scenario possible, and have survived them all. These elements combined makes you completely deadly."

This sure is a handful of extrapolation. I found this descrption to be applicable to just about 1000 other anti-heroes. Sound's really cliched, in my opinion. Whether you want to change that is up to you.

Summary: The story wasn't bad, but it didn't seem very original, either.

I enjoyed this piece, but i didn't love it.

Characters seem to be capable of development, but the emotional foundations and depth are lacking thus far.

Also, the use of vampires is a bit over-used these days, its like trying to hop on the Twilight bandwagon, BUT that is not to say you can't be original, you just need to devlop things differently.


Ryan

dragnet wrote:
Black military boots pounding on the white linoleum floor (great visual) , General Fredrick

The General snatched it from his hand and scanned it's pages. Within seconds, the Generals face turned bright red in fury. "WHAT?! (never double punctuate)" he yelled, throwing the clipboard against the wall, where it fell to the floor with a clatter. The doctor coward against the wall, but the other man stood there coolly. ("against the wall" used twice really close. think of another phrase so it doesn't get repetitive)

"I-I don't think that their (they're.) vampyres."

"What are you talking about?!" General Saloman screamed. "Of course their (they're) vampyres!"

Behind the foot of bullet-proof glass was a bed in a small, ten-by-ten room. Upon the bed, a six-year old girl was huddled into a very tiny ball, sobbing. On the metal table that was screwed to the floor, there was a bowl filled with blood. (good visual. the last part about the bowl was a good way to compare her to animalize her.)

"Well, you better start thinking, or you won't have a brain to think with! Now go and do some experiments on her! I want to know how we can better protect ourselves from her kind." (this line needs revisions. especially the "Now go and do some experiments on her!" parts.)

"I can't do that." General Saloman brushed a piece of lint off his army-green jacket, not seeming to care of the well-being (just well being) of the child.

"Once your in here, your in here for life. You've seen too much, heard too much, know too much. There is nothing I can do but kill her. And what concern of is it to you? Who are you?" (seems random and should either be added in later, or expanded on)

"Ah, yes, Mr. Teague. I hear that your the best of the best. You have taken down twenty-six vampyres, and your willing to kill more. You have no friends, no family, and you don't care. You trained in the art of combat, hand-to-hand, and have been hunting since you were sixteen, when they killed your parents. Three years ago, you took down a whole coven of vampyres, single-handedly, with a broken arm. Impressive. You have been in every scenario possible, and have survived them all. These elements combined makes you completely deadly." (too long of a dialogue for the characterization of the general.)

On a whole I like the story, but it seems like it still needs some development and the introduction of Nick Teague could use some work. The intro the general gives doesn't seem to fit what he would say and the way all of the backround on Nick is presented is a bit cliche. Maybe just simply say he's a bad ass hunter and gradually add in the rest of that stuff.
Just keep working on the story, because there seem to be a lot of interesting ideas and characters in here.