Lady in the park

3 posts
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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 6
It was a humid day in early May.
I was feeling down and I wanted to shout at anything around.
See, I was at crossroads in my life and I did not know what route to take
There were decisions that I had to make
But at the same time I desperately needed a break.
I thought for a while and I knew I had to go somewhere.
Stepping outside, it was perfectly warm.
So I decided to go for a walk in the park,
And even though it was after dark,
Something told me I had to be there.
So I put on my shoes,
I had nothing to lose.
Barely had I walked a mile
When I saw a young lady
And she gave me a smile.
I pretended to ignore her and she approached me.
“Why the sad face my dear lady?” she asked rather politely.
I looked down, hoping she would walk away.
She just stood there determined to stay.
My heart wanted to speak to her but my mind said no.
She was just pretending, at anytime she would frown and go.
Still she stood there, and said, “Really I want to know.”
I still couldn’t face her, why was she still there?
“Sweetheart don’t be unfair, truly I do care?”
I raised my face to her and was suddenly at a loss of words.
So she took my hand and we walked in silence.
A silence of a thousand words.
Every so often she would look at me
And I would smile back.
When we finally got tired, we sat down
And I gave her the reason for my frown.
Everyone I thought loved me had left me,
When I need them the most.
She was silent for a while.
I knew it was too good to be true,
Someone who I thought understood me
Instead she would just leave me, or so I thought.
What she did next is best left a mystery,.
But at least I was assured that somebody loves me.
This I came to know from a lady in the park,
A little after dark.
somebody told me am the sweetest thing wrapped up in the bitterest, still testing the truth in this!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 13
it is a nice poem a lot of imagery and feeling good work but u shudd say the lad i mean if it's about u it shudd b in another category u shudd say lady in the park the lady in the park blah blahh balh blah watever u want but that's just my advice but anyway it's a nice different poem and it's different in a good way but very good poem and idea




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 511
Reviews 127
over 30 "I":s in this piece and there were 34 or 35 lines. so at least one "I" for EVERY line.... a little less "I":s please, or else it shall be repetitive.

So I put on my shoes,

I had nothing to lose.


This part is inconsistent, and it sounds forced. Change it or ditch it.

Barely had I walked a mile

When I saw a young lady

And she gave me a smile.


This sounds a bit childlike. "And she gave me a smile. I didn't even know she was looking at the the narrator. Ditch the "And"

I pretended to ignore her and she approached me.

“Why the sad face my dear lady?” she asked rather politely.

I looked down, hoping she would walk away.

She just stood there determined to stay.

My heart wanted to speak to her but my mind said no.


Why did the narrator ignore the lady?

So she took my hand and we walked in silence.

A silence of a thousand words.


Don't repeat silence, use another word. like: burke, hush, muteness, quietness, secrecy, secretiveness, stillness etc.

When we finally got tired, we sat down

And I gave her the reason for my frown.


On what?

When I need them the most.


"needed"

What she did next is best left a mystery,.


",." ?

Otherwise a fine piece of art. Good work. :D

-Anssi E.
To copy reality is good... But to create reality is much, much better.
-Giuseppe Verdi-



“A good book isn't written, it's rewritten.”
— Phyllis A. Whitney, Guide to Fiction Writing