Stuck in the Past: Part Two

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Okay... So, this isn't my best work. Be prepared. I don't really like it that much, but I think it'll help set up for the future. Please tear it apart - make me cry! I'll think of little things to make it better, but, for now, this is what I will present you with. :)

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Queen Amylia noticed the strangers as soon as she had stepped off of the stairs. They were not anyone she had seen before and from the way they held themselves, she could tell they were not from anywhere nearby. Amylia quickly said her hellos to the guests and then made her way over to the twins, eyes full of curiosity as she watched their reaction.

“Um… Why is the Queen coming over here?” Serenity asked, panic showing on her face.
Melody blinked twice, staring at the queen in confusion. It made no sense for the queen to take any interest in them, especially since they had not done anything to catch her attention. Was it that obvious they were different from the others in the room? She looked over at her sister, her face pale as she muttered a “I’m not sure.”

The two drew closer together, holding hands as they feared for the worst. Even though it had been recorded that Amylia had been a kind-hearted person, she probably wasn’t going to like two strangers crashing in on her party.

Queen Amylia stopped in front of the two, a large smile on her face. She curtsied and after the twins had repeated the action, said, “I’ve not seen you two before. Are you from around here?”
Serenity opened her mouth to reply, but Melody squeezed her hand and jumped in instead. “No, milady. We travel from far off lands to visit your castle. We’ve heard only the most wonderful things about your lands.”

Serenity glanced at her sister, a little confused at the quickness of the reply. Melody’s eyes sparkled as she glanced at her twin, knowing the reason for the look on her face. She hadn’t told a lie when she spoke… just not the whole truth.

“I am very pleased to hear this,” Amylia spoke, a look of amusement on her face. “From what land have you traveled?”

Melody bit her lip, her brain racing as she tried to think of a land she knew had existed in the past.

“Exalia,” Serenity quickly said, her head down. “We’ve come from Exalia.”

“Oh, my! This is extremely far away. And you two are royalty from there, I presume? You look exactly like the pictures I’ve seen of the twin princesses, Trinity and Reala.”

Melody looked at her sister, impressed. That had been a quick save and very smart. Serenity didn’t usually come up with such things, so surprise had filled Melody.

Queen Amylia paused, looking the two up and down. As she waited for an answer, barking could be heard from the passageway outside the ballroom. The twins glanced at each other and cursed their bad luck. The only reason for their arrival… Poofles.

Serenity ran out of the room, her face full of concern as she raced to cuddle her loving pet. Melody quickly excused herself, following only after the queen had nodded a yes as curiosity bubbled up inside of her. The girl met her sister outside the door. Serenity was on the ground, her dress scattered on the tiles, the black dog held tight to her chest. Tears ran down her face as she laughed with pleasure.

Melody chuckled at the sight, helping her sister up and setting Poofles on the ground. “I’m glad that we’ve found Poofles, but we can’t go home yet. Even if we knew I way, I feel like something is stirring up here that shouldn’t be.”

Serenity nodded. “I feel it too. When the queen started talking to us, I noticed a strange presence surrounding her.”

The two stared at each other, deep in thought. Suddenly the doors at the entrance were thrown open and a boy with wild red hair stepped into the castle. The girls looked at him curiously, both blushing when his sparkling brown eyes looked right back at them. They both curtsied, and he only smiled.

“I’m assuming the ball has already started? I’m very late, I must say… I dearly hope the queen will forgive me.”

Without another word he brushed past them and entered the ballroom. Melody reddened as he bumped into her, her heart racing as memory of his face ran through her thoughts. She shook her head, trying to clear it of such things and then looked at her sister, who was very stiff.

Serenity had felt a strange hatred as soon as the boy had gone past them. She had no idea why, but dread filled her when she thought of him. Suddenly she began to shake, her eyes wide as images of the future raced through her head. Fire, blood, and mutiny filled her vision and before she could say anything to Melody, the world went black.
"Smiles make the world go round." ~ Me




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Heya Saph!

“Um… Why is the Queen coming over here?” Serenity asked, panic showing on her face.


Panic is showing on her face, eh? Well, you could elaborate on that. Are her eyes darting around the room? Her palms getting sweaty? Goosebumps rising on her arms, limbs shaking?

The two drew closer together, holding hands as they feared for the worst.


What's the worst? Perhaps you could have the two whispering to each other about some horrible fate that may befall them or a thought racing through one of their heads. Something to add more.

She curtsied and after the twins had repeated the action, said, “I’ve not seen you two before. Are you from around here?”


Nix the comma before said. Also, describe how her voice sounded. Was it commanding, gentle, high pitched...low even? And, would a queen speak like that? I would expect something more...I don't know. It just sounds like she's some commoner speaking to some strangers in an inn.

Melody bit her lip, her brain racing as she tried to think of a land she knew had existed in the past.


A land that existed in the past? You mean to say that the other lands that existed in the past don't exsist in the future? :?

This is extremely far away.


That. Not this.

Melody looked at her sister, impressed. That had been a quick save and very smart. Serenity didn’t usually come up with such things, so surprise had filled Melody.


She has so much faith in her sister. Makes me think that Melody thinks that Serenity is a little...er...dim witted. Also, the bolded part, I would nix that.

The twins glanced at each other and cursed their bad luck.


Cursed? In front of the queen? Out loud? If I was in the presence of a queen, I sure wouldn't curse. Maybe in my mind, but not out loud.

The only reason for their arrival… Poofles.


Change the elipsises to a dash or those two dots : (the name escapes me)

Even if we knew I way, I feel like something is stirring up here that shouldn’t be.”


Change I to a.

Even if we knew I way, I feel like something is stirring up here that shouldn’t be.”

"I feel it too. When the queen started talking to us, I noticed a strange presence surrounding her.”


You hadn't mentioned a strange presence when the twins were speakign to the queen. Also, what makes them say this? You haven't given us those details either.

Suddenly the doors at the entrance were thrown open and a boy with wild red hair stepped into the castle.


A castle with no guards? With a queen inside? Where. Are. The. Guards? And if the boy is going to a ball, why would his hair be wild? Also, add more detail to the wildness of his hair.

The girls looked at him curiously, both blushing when his sparkling brown eyes looked right back at them.


Why are they blushing? They weren't doing anything silly or embaressing.

Without another word he brushed past them and entered the ballroom. Melody reddened as he bumped into her, her heart racing as memory of his face ran through her thoughts.


Change past to passed. Also, you say brushed passed them, but the next sentence you're saying her bumped into Melody. Also, does she think he's cute or what? Maybe you should explain why her heart was racing when his face waltzed through her mind.

Serenity had felt a strange hatred as soon as the boy had gone past them. She had no idea why, but dread filled her when she thought of him.


What was so wrong with the boy? All he did was give them a smile, ask a question and hurry to the ball. If there was a bad feeling about him, put it into more description.


Overall: You could afford to use more description in places, like I mentioned above. A very good part to this. Please PM when the next part is up.

Happy Writing!

Meadow
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"




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I like it!!! :D
when life gives you melons.... you've got dyslexia.
When life Gives you a pen and paper... Write



All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience.
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