Longer than Forever

I know that this poem is a bit 'samey' but I would greatly appreciate your opinions!

Longer than Forever
Like the moon cannot rise until the sun has set,
A heart cannot mend until it has been broken.
Because when a broken heart is all that you can get,
Life feels like a nightmare where you cannot be woken.
There are tears in my eyes, and pain in my chest,
When I remember the broken promises you said to me.
Because you always thought that you knew best.
You made me believe in everything you told me to see.
But now that my heart has been carelessly shattered,
The hope and the courage inside me feels stronger.
I'm still feeling bruised, and I'm still feeling battered,
But my new form of love feels like it will last longer.
Like it could last even longer than forever.

Thank you

Megan White wrote:Like the moon cannot rise until the sun has set, Decent beginning.
A heart cannot mend until it has been broken.
Because when a broken heart is all that you can get, This took me awhile to figure out, but it makes sense now.
Life feels like a nightmare where you cannot be woken.
There are tears in my eyes, and pain in my chest,
When I remember the broken promises you said to me.
Because you always thought that you knew best. I'm not sure what punctuation you need here, but this isn't a complete sentence, and it doesn't really go with either the one above or below it.
You made me believe in everything you told me to see,
But now that my heart has been carelessly shattered,
The hope and the courage inside me feels stronger.
I'm still feeling bruised, and I'm still feeling battered,
But my new form of love feels like it will last longer.
Like it could last even longer than forever. Not sure what you mean here. I can kind of get it, but at the same time, it seems silly.

I have to say, I didn't really like this poem. It was much too.... simplistic, and straightforward. The rhyme scheme stayed constant, but it seemed rather forced. Also, the punctuation is off. I edited it as much as I could, but it still seems odd, because I wasn't sure which sentence was meant to add on to another, or which was a new idea. You have some good similes, but I think you could work them better into a different poem. Your flow was pretty good, though, and I think these ideas are edging on something better, you just have to find it. I'm not sure that was totally helpful, but I'm not sure there is much you can do for this poem. Sorry. It's okay, it just needs some work. Keep writing!

I really like your poem! It is great I have just a few suggestions

Like the moon cannot rise until the sun has set,
A heart cannot mend until it has been broken.
Because when a broken heart is all that you can get,
Life feels like a nightmare where you cannot be woken.
There are tears in my eyes, and pain in my chest,
When I remember the broken promises [s]you said[s] to me.
Because you always thought that you knew best. ( I might consider taking this out)
You made me believe in everything you told me to see,
But now that my heart has been carelessly shattered,
The hope and the courage inside me [s]feels[/s] is stronger.
I'm still feeling bruised, and I'm still feeling battered,
But my new form of love [s]feels like it[/s] will last longer.
Like it [s]could[/s] will last even longer than forever.
Really Great poem! Keep writing!

I love the first two lines. They're interesting and beautiful and flow well. After this, I feel it gets a little watery.

This type of poem is difficult to write, as so much has been said on the subject, and it's difficult to avoid cliche. Rather than saying how have cried and been heart-broken and lied to, but are going to be ok, I'd look at why you are crying and use vivid imagery to describe what has literally been done, and then describe why exactly you feel hopeful. Rather than saying you feel hopeful, include a closing image which suggests hope to you: I'd avoid things like doves,etc, and look at what really makes you as an individual feel hopeful.

Overall you handle the rhyme and rhythm of the piece very well.

Hope this helps.

Jas