Albert stood observing himself

This post contains mention of violent acts and suicide

Albert stood observing himself, his pale face shone yellow in the light. The small window to his right clattered with the movement of the breeze outside. A spiders web was woven across one corner, a fly hung limply in the silver trapping. Rigor Mortis has not begun to set in.

Albert curled his fingers around the back of his neck, his eyes met his mirror image as if trying to recognize the man behind the reflection.

How would he do it? He considered this sentence mildly, almost amused. His mind erupted into a fluttery of movement. Classical, yes I’ll slit my wrists and let the blood drain out. Or smash myself to bits from the top of Westminster abbey, I’ll take a rope and tie it up on to the dining room ceiling beam…

Albert fingers tightened into fists, three raw lines were now visible long the back of his neck. The mirror images hollow eyes boarred into him. Silence hung thick in the air, the sun stained Albert’s face orange on one side. His face was painted, a bizarre clowns mask. Then the feeling was gone, as abruptly as it came the sickening twist of despair evaporated. Leaving Albert confused and guilty. Another morning, another tick of the clock. It was bearable again.


Okay, firstly I want absolute complete and utter honestly. Please give me criticism not kindness. This is the opening of ‘novel’ I’m writing, through I can hardly call it that. Albert isn’t a hormonal teenager, he is an older man of about forty-seven. He is also a Doctor working in a specialist mental health clinic in London. I wanted to establish his inner turmoil (dramatic eh?) right off the bat, a shocker opening but also a much deeper insight into his character, than anyone around him realizes. Similar to case of dramatic irony.

Albert is generally a very composed, very impassive person or seen as one. He works with mental health patients, but in fact is slowly succumbing to a type of madness himself . He is extremely isolated, through he has a wife and a son. He also lives in London, a huge city so he is surrounded by people. But that just proves to isolate him even more. He belongs to the previous generation, he way of life and nature has been swallowed up.

The story is about isolation, the disregard of the mental heath profession, the endless search for fulfillment, the vulgarity of human nature, the white washing of the past, freedom and humanity in general.

Thank you for reading and please give your opinion. I understand as a first novel and at my young age chances of publication are non-existent but I hope to gain more knowledge of the written word from it.I realize boarred is spelt wrong but I can't find the correct spelling.

Hello there!

Firstly, I see you're new so welcome to YWS! There's a welcome Forum where you can post to say hello if you feel like it (That's if you haven't already!)

Secondly, your review!

I'll start with the nit-picks (they're only small though!)

His mind erupted into a fluttery of movement.

I'm not too sure about 'fluttery'. Perhaps just make it 'a flutter of movement' because I like the way you've described this, but 'fluttery' sounds slightly awkward.

The mirror images hollow eyes boarred into him.

I think it should be 'bore into him' and I would also look at the sentence structure, here. Switching it around so that it reads more like 'The hollow eyes of the mirror image bore into him' might work better?

Then the feeling was gone, as abruptly as it came the sickening twist of despair evaporated. Leaving Albert confused and guilty.

I'm not sure about the way you break up the sentences here. I think if you replaces the first comma with a full stop and then ran the next two sentences together it would flow slightly better. So it would read more like: Then the feeling was gone. As abruptly as it came the sickening twist of despair evaporated, leaving Albert confused and guilty.'
or break it up so that it reads as: 'Then the feeling was gone, as abruptly as it came. The sickening twist of despair evaporated, leaving Albert confused and guilty.
I think either that, or some other variation of that kind of structure would work better and help the flow of your writing.

OVERALL...

i) I liked this a lot. I thought you established the beginning very well and it's definately making me want to read more, however,

ii) You need to post more. If you posted more then you wouldn't have had to give us a lengthy description of what the rest of the novel will be about. You're writing well enough, from what I have read, that if you posted slightly more of the story then you wouldn't need to. In fact, even at this point, I would still continue to read your next post without the description. The things you told us are things you can reveal as your story progresses, especially as you have told us it is the start to a novel and not just a stand-alone piece.

This being said, I'm looking forward to reading more

Please feel free to PM me with any questions or if you would like another review. I hope I was helpful!

Sofi.