Bounty hunter, prolugue

Leaving a place you liked was never easy. I looked around the tiny apartment that had been my home for so long. The brown marble floor looked clean enough, the tiny old love seat that was half torn on one side lay lazily in the back of the apartment, the walls of gray wood, half rotting, stood still, just like always, in other words, nothing had changed. It was never easy to leave, regardless of what your feelings were towards the place. But I had to go now, and I knew that.
Sometimes I considered changing my job, I mean, being a bounty hunter was nice enough, I just wanted a bit more. I wanted to be able to know where I was going to lay my head for the next month or so, I wanted to be able to have a normal life- get to know my neigbors, for example. To not have to follow my pray everywhere. I was like their puppy, they would go left, pulling on my leash, when all I wanted was to go right. But I followed, of course I did. Who else would lock the bad guys up if I didn't? Who else was crazy enough to want that life?
I held my briefcase in one hand, and then closed the door with another. The hallway was dark, I squinted my eyes, there was something flickering in the corner of my eye.
"Heya Cheiss!"
The enthousiastic call surprised me. Lindsy flickered into my view.
"I got you this time, didn't I?" she asked eagerly, her golden wings flapped gently against the still air in the hallway, her wavy brown hair slipping off her shoulders and onto her back. Her face was as gentle as always- a little smile was tugging at the corner of her mouth.
"So, what's next, dear old boss of mine?" she asked me, settling on the ground next to me. Her skin was as creamy and smooth as always- it glowed even in the darkness.
I sighed. She kept calling me boss, even though we were partners. That really did bug me.
But Lindsy didn't care about that, Lindsy didn't care about anything much. Not a lot of people knew that about her, knew eactly how reckless she was. But she did care about one thing, I think. I think she cared about me, just as much as I cared about her. But Lindsy didn't stay with me in my room as I slept, because she didn't sleep. She didn't need to.
"Next?" I echoed her words, ane edge of bitterness in my voice. "Lindsy, dear" I flashed her a toothshowing grin that wasn't entirely about happiness. "what exactly do you know about Davie Jones?"

Hey, I'm Mia and I will be reviewing this today.


Nitpicks and grammatical mistakes

The brown marble floor looked clean enough, the tiny old love seat that was half torn on one side lay lazily in the back of the apartment, the walls of gray wood, half rotting, stood still, just like always, in other words, nothing had changed.

This sentence is very confusing because it seems broken and it is full of commas. Divide it into smaller sentences without as many commas, this will make it easier for the reader to read and understand.
I would suggest putting it this way:

The brown marble floor looked clean enough. The tiny old love seat that was half torn on one side lay lazily in the back of the apartment, the walls of gray wood, half rotting, stood still just like always. In other words, nothing had changed.

"Heya Cheiss!"

Cheiss? His name is Cheiss? How do you even pronounce that?

"So, what's next, dear old boss of mine?" she asked me, settling on the ground next to me.

The word 'me' is used twice in the same sentence here, and I think it makes the entire thing seem awkward. The first one seems unecessary, so change 'she asked me' to 'she asked'.

That really did bug me.

The way this sentence is written, hints that you've mentioned the fact that when she you boss annoys you, so I would suggest removing the word 'did' and changed 'bug' to 'bugged'.

"Next?" I echoed her words, [s]ane [/s] an edge of bitterness in my voice. "Lindsy, dear" I flashed her a toothshowing grin that wasn't entirely about happiness. "what exactly do you know about Davie Jones?"

I think the word 'about' should be changed to 'due to'. It just seems better in that sentence. Also, I'm pretty sure 'Davie Jones' should be spelt 'Davy Jones'.

Characters
I did not really get to know your main character much. This could be because this is such a short piece, but I still think you should give more hints to his character. Same with Lindsy. Also, describe their relationship a bit more, and how he feels about her in some more detail.
For example, here:

But Lindsy didn't stay with me in my room as I slept, because she didn't sleep. She didn't need to.

Is he unhappy about the fact that she can't sleep in his room? Expand more on little things like this.

Plot
Not much to say here since this is such a short part of the story. Till now, it interested me. Especially when you mentioned Lindsy having wings and Davy Jones at the end!

Overall
I enjoyed this piece, and would be interested in reading more. All I would like to point out is that it would be better if you would describe things in a bit more detail. This gives the reader more information on what's going on, as well as the setting, and it makes the entire piece more interesting.

Keep up the great work!
PM me if you need any more reviews or if you have any questions.

xxmimixx

ofir wrote:Leaving a place you liked was never easy. I looked around the tiny apartment that had been my home for so long. The brown marble floor looked clean enough, the tiny old love seat, half torn on one side, lay lazily in the back of the apartment. The walls of gray wood, half rotting, stood still, just like always, in other words, nothing had changed. It was never easy to leave, regardless of what your feelings were towards the place. But I had to go now, and I knew that.
Sometimes I considered changing my job, I mean, being a bounty hunter was nice enough, I just wanted a bit more. I wanted to be able to know where I was going to lay my head for the next month or so, I wanted to be able to have a normal life- get to know my neigbors, for example. To not have to follow my prey everywhere. I was like their puppy, they would go left, pulling on my leash, when all I wanted was to go right. But I followed, of course I did. Who else would lock the bad guys up if I didn't? Who else was crazy enough to want that life?
I held my briefcase in one hand, and then closed the door with another. The hallway was dark, I squinted my eyes, there was something flickering in the corner of my eye.
"Heya Cheiss!"
The enthusiastic call surprised me. Lindsy flickered into my view.
"I got you this time, didn't I?" she asked eagerly, her golden wings flapped gently against the still air in the hallway. her wavy brown hair slipping off her shoulders and onto her back I would change the wording, it's awkward. Her face was as gentle as always- a little smile was tugging at the corner of her mouth.
"So, what's next, dear old boss of mine?" she asked me, settling on the ground next to me. Her skin was as creamy and smooth as always- it glowed even in the darkness.
I sighed. She kept calling me boss, even though we were partners. That really did bug me.
But Lindsy didn't care about that, Lindsy didn't care about anything much. Not a lot of people knew that about her, knew exactly how reckless she was. But she did care about one thing, I think. I think she cared about me, just as much as I cared about her. But Lindsy didn't stay with me in my room as I slept, because she didn't sleep. She didn't need to.
"Next?" I echoed her words, ane edge of bitterness in my voice. "Lindsy, dear" I flashed her a toothshowing Different adjective? grin that wasn't entirely about happiness. "what exactly do you know about Davie Jones?"

Overall I really liked this. I like how you described his lifestyle from chasing one prey then another. I also liked how the reader could connect with his wish to one day have a normal life. You have a great beginning of a piece here! The ending also leaves the reader asking for more.

The brown marble floor looked clean enough, the tiny old love seat that was half torn on one side lay lazily in the back of the apartment, the walls of gray wood, half rotting, stood still, just like always, in other words, nothing had changed.

I like your descriptions here. It's a very long run on sentence, however. I suggest you break it apart into two or three sentences to keep the story flowing smoothly.

It was never easy to leave, regardless of what your feelings were towards the place. But I had to go now, and I knew that.

You pretty much just restated what you said in the very first sentence. You really don't need this here.


You have a lot of run ons here. I found it very distracting and hard to read. I would suggest replacing most of those commas with periods. Short, right to the point sentences are often better than long, meandering ones.

Your character description was a bit... lacking, to say the least. I don't feel like I know either of your characters at all. Where are the quirks, the dark secrets, the irritating finger nail tapping or the tongue clicking? Yes, I realize that this is just the prologue, but come on! I need to know at least some basic details about the character. From the very start, your characters should be intriguing and make me want to lead on.

This whole bounty hunters this is pretty vague. You need to add more details. And I'm kind of bothered by the fact that your MC is upset about having to follow her prey around, but not about the fact that she forcibly arrests criminals. Not exactly the dream job, right? Doesn't it ever get bloody or dangerous? I would think that the character would be reflecting more about that then following people like a puppy.

Overall, I'd say it's okay. The idea's certaintly interesting, but there's really nothing there to support it. Jazz up your characters and work on your grammar, and you might have something good.

Goody good!