Do you want to rule the world? Then this is the post for you! This was written by myself, and my friend JK. Please, don't take it too seriously.
Introduction
So you, like so many other neurotic and nefarious people, have decide to journey down the long, dark, and highly enjoyable road to domination. Bravo, my slippery friend, bravo!
Whether you simply want to stage a neighborhood coup and punish your snooty, overpriced, perfect-lawned, swimming pool bearing neighbors, or shoot for complete world domination, this is the guide for you. This book will cover everything from forming your legions of terror to deciding on how to shape your evil mustache. (For what is a villain without a perfectly curled mustache? Or a goatee – just like your mother’s?)
However, before you rush out to recruit soldiers for your army or begin buying cyanide by the ton, you must first consider if you are an ideal candidate for the role of evil dictator. Are you:
A. A ballerina with a secret bloodlust, and your rivals are the first to pay in your pink haven of peace and tranquility – and evil!
B. A pyromaniac that frequently says things such as, “The leprechauns tell me to burn things”
C. A forty year old nerd who lives with his mother, seeking the ultimate revenge against all of the jocks who made fun of his glasses, stole his lunch money, and gave him wedgies
D. A fat purple dinosaur who likes to brainwash – I mean, “entertain – small children and use them in his army.
If you fit into any of the above categories you will make a great dictator. (If you fit into any of the above qualities, you will also need to make regular appointments with the therapist of your choice. FREAK!) If you do not fit into any of these categories, do not fear! The path to ultimate power may still be open to you!
Embrace your destiny! The world is such a wonderful place, especially if you are ruling it with an iron fist while watching many tiny security camera screens, scrutinizing them for any possible sign of opposition – all while stroking your fluffy white cat, Mr. Tibbles. Ah, sweet satisfaction!
Warning: We are not responsible for any negative effects this book may have on you. Side effects include maniacal laughter, frequent twitching, repetition of phrases like “To your doom, O Hero!” and a desire to punch a hobo. In extreme cases, severe derangement and an urge to burn things may result. If symptoms persist, see your local psychologist and acquire a straightjacket from your local Crazies R Us. This book is not for the notoriously straight faced, or women who are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant (you’ll doom your child to everlasting evil. Believe us, that’s why we are the way we are).
* There may be some freaks out there who may be considering actually taking this misinformation to heart. Don’t.
