'Electric Dreamer': Chapter One: Amber

Right, I started this teen fiction novel in June 2008. The inspiration behind it was this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weh5L05R-KE



Talk about random inspiration!

Anyway... here is Chapter One.

*

“One, two, one, two, three, four!” Beth tapped her drumsticks together, and I launched into a rendition of When She’s in Love.

“What’s a girl to do when she’s in love? When it’s impossible to get enough, of a boy who she just wants to kiss? Cupid shot an arrow, but he missed. What’s a girl to do when she’s in love?” I sang, grinning with the pure happiness of it all.

The guitars, drums and bass began invading my brain cells, loud and thumping, whilst the keyboard left a sweet and melodic taste in my ears. I loved being in a band, especially as I was in it with my twin sister and our best friends, doing what I loved most. What more could I want?

“That was great, guys.” I grinned, half an hour later. “I’m going to go get us a DVD and some treats. What do you lot fancy?”

“I fancy a good, long drooling session and salted popcorn myself.” Beth grinned.

“Ditto.” Paige said.

“Comedy and Fanta for me!” Scarlett yelled.

“Me want chocolate and Daniel Radcliffe.” Maddie pleaded in a mock baby voice.

And that left me. “Right, well, I’m getting Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and some Coke and Fanta, then.” I grinned.

The others cheered loudly. I went into the house from the garage, and into the kitchen. Mum was washing the dishes, soap suds up to her elbows.

“Have you finished with that racket?” she asked. Mum doesn’t like rock music at all, she just puts up with Electric Dreamer because she loves me and Beth. I think she likes us really, as much as she tries to hide it.

“Yeah, we’re going to go watch a movie now.” I replied, opening the fridge and taking out the Coke and Fanta. Grabbing the popcorn and pouring it into a bowl, I carried everything upstairs to get the DVD. Ten minutes later, we were snuggled up on the sofa, drooling and munching popcorn. Perfect.

“He is just too yummy for words.” Maddie muttered dreamily as she, Scarlett and Paige got ready to go home, a couple of hours later.

“Shut up about Daniel Radcliffe already!” the rest of us yelled, before we all broke into fits of uncontrollable giggles.

*

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

Hey Lisa =]

I'm here as promised

So...I really enjoyed this and I think it's a great start to a story!

Nit-piks;

“One, two, one, two, three, four!” - Usually when people do this, there is a longer pause between the two and the one - if that makes sense lol So maybe it would look better phrased as; 'One. Two. One, two, three four."

Beth tapped her drumsticks together - I know that this is only to get the beat of the song going, but I think tapped is too soft a word. Maybe she 'struck' them together instead?

I sang, grinning with the pure happiness of it all. - All of what? The fact that she's playing music with her friends or the fact that she's singing a song that she wrote? If you added a little more to this sentence then it would help to fill the background of your character out a bit more.

The guitars, drums and bass began invading my brain cells, loud and thumping, whilst the keyboard left a sweet and melodic taste in my ears. - You could maybe add a little more in here. Maybe telling us which girl plays the drums or somthing as little as that.

doing what I loved most. - Maybe you could add in a bit more here, - something about how music is her passion? Or how she's always loved music ever since she heard her Mum playing a certain record?

“That was great, guys.” I grinned, half an hour later. - The transition between this part and the part before it, is a little too sharp. All of a sudden it's half an hour later. Maybe add in how well the practise had gone or another of the songs that they played.

“I fancy a good, long drooling session and salted popcorn myself.” - Nix 'myself'

“Comedy and Fanta for me!” Scarlett yelled. - I don't see any reason why she should be yelling. You mention no noise that they have to talk over. Maybe Scarlett is just a naturally loud person? If not, then maybe change 'yelled' to something softer like 'called' or 'exclaimed'

“Me want chocolate and Daniel Radcliffe.” Maddie pleaded in a mock baby voice. - Maybe add in a facial expression too.

I went into the house from the garage, and into the kitchen. - As you haven't mentioned that they were in the garage before, I'd add in something like 'where we hold band practise' after 'garage'

Mum doesn’t like rock music at all, she just puts up with Electric Dreamer because she loves me and Beth. - I'd change the comma to a full stop. Also, I gather that Beth is your MC's twin sister? If so, I'd add that info in here, too.

Grabbing the popcorn and pouring it into a bowl, I carried everything upstairs to get the DVD. - 'After grabbing the popcorn and pouring it into a bowl, I carried everything upstairs to get the DVD.' - Just a suggestion

Ten minutes later, we were snuggled up on the sofa, drooling and munching popcorn. Perfect. - Are they in a living room or a den? What does the sofa look like - not necessary to mention the sofa exactly, but little descriptions of the surroundings will give the reader some imagery to go on.

“He is just too yummy for words.” Maddie muttered dreamily as she, Scarlett and Paige got ready to go home, a couple of hours later. - Again, this just seems too quick. Maybe add in how they had a popcorn fight half way through and Maddie got annoyed because she couldn't hear what Dan Radcliffe was saying. Or how Beth cried at the bit where Sirus Black died.

Anyways - you know where I stand on the whole Dan Radcliffe thing
Same place where you are about Rob Pattinson lol

*cough* - back to reviewing

Oh, well I think that's the nit-piks over with

Overall;

I think you could stand to add in a little more description on the surroundings and the characters. At the moment we don't have a clue what any of them look like. Are Beth and the MC identical. I'm just imagining stereotypical rock chicks at the moment.
Maybe add in a little emotion too. Characters are 90% emotion and without it, they seem a lot less realistic.
I do like the concept for your story though, and I love the title

Great job and I hope that you post the next part too!

I hope I've been of some help to you.

xDudettex