Unreachable

Unreachable

Carry me, rock me,
Surround me, kiss me,
Like bittersweet melodies
swirling amidst me.

You brush my lips
As I speak your name aloud.
You will never leave me-
This you have vowed.

Your name is Loneliness:
And the title is now mine.
Because you've overcome me,
I am your design.

I'm locked up inside you;
I will never stray.
Everyone is gone,
Because I pushed them all away.




I don't know if I like this one, it just came to me randomly Kinda depressing, oh well

Peanut here to review! *giggle

Carry me, rock me,
Surround me, kiss me,
Like bittersweet melodies
swirling amidst me.

Personally, I think there are too many 'me's in there.

You will never leave me-
This have you vowed.

Instead of "this have you vowed" I would do "This you have vowed"... I think that sounds much better, and more fluent.

Everyone is gone,
Because I pushed them all away.

I would say;
"For everyone else is gone,
because I have pushed them all away."

I think you can ease up one the capitals for every single line; you only need capitals at the start of a new stanza, a name, after a period, and so on.

I liked this poem, and it definitely was not emo xD
It was just speaking with emotion, which, has emo in the beginning, so I guess it has emo, but is not emo itself!

I will stop saying emo now

Anyway, I liked this poem... you are a great poet, and good at rhyming

Hey there! I'll take a look at this for you. I loved the format of having us believe

Grammar

Remember that, in poetry, not every line has to begin with a capital letter; it's the same with prose. Just proper nouns and new sentences, or sparse emphasis.

This have you vowed.

It's up to you, but I find this a little awkward. I'd throw in a comma and rearrange the words, like so: "this, you have vowed." As it stands, it seems questioning and uncertain. If that's what you're going for, leave it, but it's just my opinion. =]

The Poem

Like bittersweet melodies

Why, may I ask, are they bittersweet? I hate phrases like that; I'd rather hear the good and the bad, as opposed to just tacking on a name like that. If the "Carry me, rock me, Surround me, kiss me," part is meant to be bittersweet, then I'm just not seeing it. Also, try and be more specific. In the verse, include the good and the bad, as I have said, but then compare to an actual bittersweet melody. From the top of my head, I can't think of any, which shows that the imagery isn't working since I can't relate to it. You could try just "as bittersweet melodies". If that makes sense.

To be honest, this stanza is a good introduction, but I find that the "swirling amidst me" doesn't work because you're repeating "me" yet again; I think another rhyme would be more effective, as opposed to the same word.

Your name is Loneliness:
It is now forever mine,

Subtlety failure, right there. Firstly, you address the personified thing as Loneliness, but then you speak about it in 3rd person, "It". This seems to me as if you were just trying to point out the character was lonely, and we realise that he is hugging nothing--irony, which works well so keep that format, but you need to break it in via less obvious route, so we'll reread and then see it. Otherwise, we've nothing to search for and it's dull. Keep it mysterious and strange, so we work it out.

Everyone is gone,
Because I pushed them all away.

This is a great ending, but it could certainly be more powerful. However, it's confusing me. You say that you are locked inside Loneliness, and that you certainly like it, but the idea of entrapment that comes later on, "I'm locked up inside you," prevents me from believing it. I think sorting out the emotions in that way would increase the strength of this.

You might want to put in some more rhymes, and keep them consistent, throughout the poem, or order the syllable counts as the format's fairly simple here, and it might just help to spice it up somewhat and make the flow better. The rhythm wasn't bad but it could be better, as I've said, with a few more devices or comparisons in terms of similes, to compare real things to the emotions happening here.

Overall

Not a bad poem! At first, I thought that this would just be another lovey-duppy poem about teenage angst, but I'm liking the new spin that you've thrown over loneliness. Try polishing it, and rewriting certain phrases as I've said, and it could be very good indeed. I hope I've helped! PM me with any questions.

Best
Blinky

thanks everyone for the critts

Hopefully, I'll edit this or do something with it haha

oh yeah, Blink, when I said, "Your name is Loneliness, It is now forever mine," I meant that my name was loneliness too now. but that's kinda weird, huh? I'll have to tweak that

anyways, thanks again

til then,

ash