You’re My Star

Well, this is my first poem in English, I’m Mexican
I used to wrote poetry on Spanish.

You're My Star


I guess my words are nothing now
Should I say that we weren’t real?
Do you remember the falling snow?
The day you asked my heart to steal

Have you forgotten now my song?
The melody I played on the cold
To make you see that we were strong
To walk tomorrow on fields of gold

Please tell me now, do you feel greed?
In the place you are they’re breaking free
Now everybody has what they need
Now that they found what worth to see

I’m asking now if you can hear me
Can you feel me in the place you are?
While here I’m still sitting in our tree
Looking the sky now that you’re my star.

Jesus Quezada Sanchez

For one, I've got to say, wonderful job. For a person who is learning English as a second language, I've got to say excellent job even being able to write a poem like this.

I guess my words are nothing now
Should I say that we weren’t real?
Do you remember the falling snow?
The day you asked my heart to steal

• The last line "my heart to steal," doesn't sound right. It seems like you're saying that the heart should steal, not, may I steal your heart. Try to reword that line so that it makes sense.

Have you forgotten now my song?
The melody I played on the cold
To make you see that we were strong
To walk tomorrow on fields of gold

• I'm sorry, but most of these lines are worded so strangely that you can interpret the motive, but they're completely off. You don't need "now" in the first line. It messes up the sound of the poem.
• Cold what? Cold is not a noun. It is an adjective. You need to add a noun to make this make sense.
• Why tomorrow? That word messes the iambic pentameter. (The rhythm of the poem.) How about "forever?"

Please tell me now, do you feel greed?
In the place you are they’re breaking free
Now everybody has what they need
Now that they found what worth to see

• Try "it's" in the place of "they're." It makes more sense.
• Between "what" and "worth" the word "is" should be placed.

I’m asking now if you can hear me
Can you feel me in the place you are?
While here I’m still sitting in our tree
Looking the sky now that you’re my star.

• Between "looking" and "the" in the last line, the word "at" should be placed.

Very good poem for a person who hasn't wrote one in English before. It's better than some of the poems written by those who have spoke English all their life.

Keep in mind Grammar. Always proof read your work before you post. Good job.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

thanks!
sorry lol, it looks like my english is too bad, i'm practicing everyday
soon i'll post another
i will ask for help to my father, he is from LA xD
thanks again!

Woo!

Me gusta! Me gusta!

Pienso que el poem es fantastico!

Yes, I'm English so my spanish may not be entirely correct, however, I am learning it

Anyhow, the poem. You may have gathered, you may not have- but I found your poem very good indeed- and although your words are oddly placed, I actually like that. It gives your poem something quite different. The first stanza/verse is probably the best.

The last line is fantastic; it completes it and wraps it up. However, at the end of the poem I wasn't sure how to feel, angry or sad..