Worthless

I'm writing this as it is coming into my head so don't expect anything amazing!

The second it went into me it stung. It stung badly. I suddenly fell to the floor like an old rag doll. But as quickly as it went into me, the pain was replaced by relief. I didn't understand it. Everything felt so peaceful. Everything felt so right. I felt relaxed. In fact I felt great.
I didn't feel afraid and I definitely didn't feel any physical pain. I felt happy. As I lay on the cold, hard floor, slowly drifting into unconsciousness I looked down at my stomach. I looked at the knife. There was blood all over my hands but I didn't care. I was happy, relieved.
I loved the feeling that I would soon fall asleep and would never have to wake up again. I loved the feeling that I wouldn't have to live with memories that made me hate myself anymore.
As the cold rain fell onto my burning face it was as if the drops were washing away everything that I ever was. A pathetic little kid who was worthless and unwanted.
Blackness was slowly starting to take over as the minutes passed by. I began feeling number and number every second. I smiled as I was dying. I smiled the first real smile I'd ever smiled in my entire life. It wouldn't be long now. Soon I'd be dead. I'd be dead and it would all be over.
The last thing I did before falling into unconsciousness was say two short words.
"Thank you." I smiled.
Before I knew it, the blackness had taken over completely.

"Can you hear me mate?" A voice asked gently.
I slowly tried to open my eyes. When I did open my eyes I was disappointed. Kneeling down beside me was a man. He was wearing a yellow reflective jacket. Behind the man there was a flashing light. No. This wasn't fair. I wanted to die. Why couldn't they just have left me to do so. I didn't know who had called the ambulance but whoever it was were not in my good books. I tried to speak but my mouth was dry. I tried to tell the man to let me die, but before I could try for the second time the man had put some kind of plastic mask over my mouth. Even if I had tried to speak he wouldn't have been able to hear me now. Another man came out of the ambulance with something.
"The pulse is slow and he's probably been out here for about ten minutes." The first man said.
"What are the chances?" The second man asked.
"It's probably fifty fifty." The first man sighed.
At least there was a fair chance that I would die. But a fair chance wasn't convincing enough for me.
"How old do you think he is?" The first man continued.
"I'd say about fifteen, sixteen maybe." The second man replied, looking at me carefully.
"Poor kid." The first man said, placing his fingers on my wet neck, obviously feeling for a pulse.
Why couldn't they just let me die. It was what I wanted. It was what I'd always wanted.

Hey Megan (I hope you don't mind me calling you just Megan)

I'm Sofi and I'm going to be doing a review of your writing..well obviously

Anyway, I didn't find anything nit-picky which I usually do so that's good because I'm usually very picky about little things, so my comments are quite general really:

1) Structure: I liked your first paragraph and the way that you dealt with the issue in the way that your MC didn't feel any pain but instead relief, however, what seemed to distract from that was that it was just one big long paragraph clumped together. If you broke it up slightly more in some places, or even structured it so that there was more space between each sentence so it would seem more like him drifting off into a dream-like state? Your MC is feeling relieved and that's something you want to convey to the reader, and bunching it together in one long heavy paragraph reduces that effect. The way you worded it was great though!

2) Development: I would have liked so much more development in this! Why does he feel so unwanted? Who found him and called an ambulance? Does that person have any significance in his life and does that impact the way he feels about them calling the ambulance? Leaving too much unknown to the reader hinders our ability to empathize or relate to your character, and that is really what makes a story like this more effective. This isn't an uncommon theme so give it something to make it more than just an average story about an [attempted?] suicide.
I think in the way that you've been writing it so far, you're already half way there!

Please feel free to PM me with any questions or anything
I hope I helped!
Sofi.

Hey Megan =]

I enjoyed reading this, though the concept of it was really sad.

As I lay on the cold, hard floor, slowly drifting into unconsciousness I looked down at my stomach. - I'd put a comma after 'unconsciousness'

I was happy, relieved. - You've put before that he is relieved, so maybe add in a bit more explanation as to why your MC is pleased. It will help us to realise why your MC wanted to kill himself in the first place.

As the cold rain fell onto my burning face it was as if the drops were washing away everything that I ever was. - Comma after 'face'

I smiled the first real smile I'd ever smiled in my entire life. - You say 'smiled' three times in this sentence. Maybe re-word it to somehting like; 'The smile was the first genuine one of my entire life.' - Something like that anyways.

Kneeling down beside me was a man. He was wearing a yellow reflective jacket. - Maybe you could join these two sentences together. - 'Kneeling down beside me was a man wearing a yellow reflective jacket.'

Why couldn't they just have left me to do so. - You need a question mark.

but before I could try for the second time the man had put some kind of - Comma after 'time'

Even if I had tried to speak - You've already said 'tried' quite afew times before, so maybe you could change it to, 'attempted'

Another man came out of the ambulance with something. - This sentence is really vague. Try adding in a little more description on what the man was carrying.

The second man replied, looking at me carefully. - You could add in the man's description here. Was he frowning or were his eyes sad/pitying.

Why couldn't they just let me die. It was what I wanted. It was what I'd always wanted. - So sad

Overall;

I enjoyed reading this, but I agree with Sofi in that you could add in a bit more of the boys background. What made him want to kill himself? How long has he been feeling suicidal?

Also, my nit-piks are only suggesions so you don't have to listen to them if you don't want to.

I hope I've helped!

xDudettex

found one oddity

I didn't know who had called the ambulance but whoever it was were not in my good books.

I think there should be a comma after ambulance. but i'm no grammar expert.

but whoever it was were not in my good books.- sounds strange because it went from singular to plural by using were and books

try: I didn't know who had called the ambulance, but whoever it was, was not in my good book. - singular all throughout. unless of course, its some sort of saying in Wale's that I haven't heard of. heheh ^^; - btw, i have a friend from Wales. totally hot. ~ .^

I like this. The beginning is a mystery, the reader is pondering what is actually happening to the character, weather its physical or mental.and I agree with the other two, WHY HE BE WANTIN' TO KILL HIMSELF? lol. post more.

peace
Fatima*~

Great! Your work is always like this, different. I liked it this time too. But there is one thing that I would say. See, at the end of your story it seems that you are loosing the command, specially when you are describing the conversation of the people in the ambulance. But you've well explained the expressions of the main kid, you were enough specific. But there is something that I want to ask, what do you think this story would like if it is continued?