Night visitor part 12

Sorry it took ages! I had a few busy weekends and I have been having trouble with this part, I'm really not very happy with it. Its not very eventful help is needed!

He suspects something…


End of part 11
*



She kept her head facing forwards as she heard the iron door shut behind Joseph, its clang harsh upon her sensitive ears. Waiting in case he returned, she paused a moment. Once Esme had come to the decision it was safe, she abruptly allowed her pretence to drop and her concerns overcame her. Esme raised a delicate hand to rub her forehead and exhaled heavily.

I’m going to think things through-- come up with some sort of plan before I go back to them. I just can’t think straight with the others around me.

Squeezing her eyes shut, she thought back over what Joseph had said. The gateway would allow others who were dead to flood into this world, no matching or rituals needed. Spirits would steal any body they pleased, and once through the gateway they would no longer need the help of others of their kind. Life would be available to all those who wanted it-- and there were many who certainly would.

They’ll be too many. It would be impossible to keep our identities secret from humans with so many of us roaming around-- and what then?

The answer was obvious, but she hated to confront it: they would reveal themselves to the world. It would be the old ones overruling the new, and the old would surely win with powers from long ago available to them.

An image rose to the front of her mind: terrified people fleeing from the path of the old ones, their bodies unnaturally beautiful and glowing with strength. They would no longer resemble corpses, appearing in their full potential. They were strong, alive with energy and power, like Esme herself. She could picture Zahra, her cruel smile twisting her face as she shouted at the crowds of civilians.

“Your time is up! We have returned to take our rightful place in this world-- our world.” The cackling laughter Esme had come to hate so much would escape Zahra’s lips. No one would be able to stand in their way. People would hide in fear, as the new hybrids hunted them for sport, wrenching their homes and possessions from the humans for their own needs.

Surely I should want this too?

The idea made her feel nauseas, a sour taste invading her mouth. She did not want this-- she was certain of that. Whether Esmerald would have, she did not know. But she was not her-- she was Esme, and Holly was just as much a part of her. This was not right.

Zahra brought me back to play a role in this… how?

Esmerald had been powerful, but not in a way that could open a gateway of some sort-- as far as she knew anyway.

There must be something else…

Esme racked her brain for some answer as to why she was needed, but found none. She knew the people who could provide her with answers but her curiosity could not overcome her aversion to going down into the ‘den’ in which Zahra and the others awaited her. She was determined to have something to cling to, some sort of plan. Esme stood up straight and clenched her hands into tight fists.

I won’t let them trick me into anything. I’m the one they want to please; I can use it to my advantage,

A grim smile slowly spread across her face and her eyes narrowed.

They don’t know who I really am, how I feel about them. I’m in control now. If I find out what they want me for, I’ll play up to their expectations and just keep any ‘un-Esmerald-ish’ comments to myself- I can leave if I need to. I don’t have to do as they want.

Her thoughts gave Esme courage, her grin widened.

That’s right, if I don’t agree with what they are planning, I’ll just go. I can make some excuse, pretend to think the same as them, then go wherever I want to. They’ll never find me.

A slight frown creased her features momentarily at the question of where she could go-- the idea of returning to Holly’s life would be impossible. But she shoved the worry away into a corner of her mind to be looked at some other time. She wouldn’t allow the details to interrupt her new found confidence.

Esme knew she had to go inside; Zahra would be confused as to her absence and she had already made the mistake of rousing suspicion in Joseph.

Joseph… Someone else I need to pay attention to. There’s something different about him.

Esme blinked a few times. The forest was brightening with every minute and her skins pale tone stood out even more as the light illuminated it. The thought struck her that she would never look down to see a scattering of freckles along her arm again. She didn’t know if this was a bad thing, after all, she was now stunning instead of the plain, not particularly beautiful, Holly. But the idea still was not a happy one, instead leaving her feeling... odd.

She forced herself to push aside that thought too and swiftly turned on the spot to cover the few feet to the door. Its weight was nothing to her and the darkness that enveloped her once the heavy iron clanked shut behind was no problem either. Esme’s eyes were barely effected by the lack of light, although in truth there was not much to be seen. The cobbled floor brought recent memories of Holly’s to mind, seen from a hazy, indistinct perspective. The walls were the same, except all the lamps had been extinguished.

Feeling a chill run down her spine, Esme decided that speed would not be a bad idea here.

The wind was stale, no longer the fresh breeze that had blown against her outside but old and dead. Its scent rushed up her nose as her body whirred into a swift sprint down the passage. Its twist and turns, the steep steps and the dipping ceiling were obstacles easily overcome with her reflexes. As she traveled, she became aware of murmerings close by, growing louder. A number of doors started to appear on either side of her, some heavy and carved of stone, others constructed crudely out of wood.

I wonder which one served as my prison cell...

The noise of people was near and more distinct. She slowed her pace and came to rest a couple of steps from a wide doorway, this one a little more intricate than the others. Its handle was swirled metal and a delicate carving of curling flowers graced the edges of the steel frame. She could hear the voices on the other side-- they were hushed, but she could pick out her name from a number of conversations. It seemed she was the hot topic of conversation in there.

No time like the present…

She lay her hand on the cool handle, turning it slowly before pushing the door open to reveal those inside. All sounds stopped and all eyes turned up to face her, as she stood outlined in the doorway.

Thanks for reading!

Ooh! I like it, but you had alot of dashes in the first couple of paragraphs and the part where she is saying "She didn’t know if this was a bad thing, after all, she was now stunning instead of the plain, not particularly beautiful, body Holly had possessed" this part had too many commas. But otherwise, the story line is good : )

Hey Pippie =]

Thanks for the PM!

So, you want advice? I'll try my best

Nit-piks first;

Once Esme had come to the decision it was safe to, she abruptly allowed her pretence to drop and her concerns overcame her. - Personally, I think this sentence would sound better without 'to' after 'safe' It's only my opinion though.

Squeezing her eyes shut she thought back over once more what Joseph had said. - I'd add a comma after 'shut'

help of others of there kind. - 'there' should be 'their'

She did not want this- She was certain of that. - I don't think the second 'she' should be capitalized.

But she was not her, she was Esme and Holly was just as much a part of her. - I had to read this sentence a couple of times to get what you meant. Maybe re-phrase it or split it into two sentences, with the first sentence ending at the first 'her'

I can then just leave if I need to. - I don't know if this sounds right. I think it's the 'just' that irks me...

That’s right, If I don’t - Either switch the comma to a full stop or change the 'If' to 'if'

The forest was bright, her skins pale tone stood out even more as the light illuminated it. - I think this would sound better if the comma was an 'and'

A thought struck her that she would never look down to see a scattering of freckles along her arm again. - I'd re-word this part, but I can't think of a suggestion as to how you could

was no problem either, Esme’s eyes were - I'd change this comma to a full stop.

The noise of people was louder, she slowed her pace - I'd do the same as above ^^ here.

Its twist and turns

twisting flowers

twisted it slowly

You use the word 'twist' a lot over the whole piece. maybe change a few to other words such as; 'curl,' 'weave' or 'meander'

Overall;

You shouldn't be unhappy with this part. I liked it It was a bit slow paced compared to some of the previous parts, but that's okay. This part was all about Esme figuring things out and deciding on her future. You did well not to rush it

My nit-piks are only suggestions, so you don't have to take any notice if you don't want to!

I hope I've been of some help to you!

Can you PM me again when you post the next part, please?

We'll fight writers block together!!

xDudettex

Hey Pippie!

Sorry it took so long to get to this. I'm getting really bad at forgetting things ^_^ So, onwards!

In every single novel or story there is a uneventful part. It helps move the story along, explaining or showing what's going on.

I didn't find anything that needed to be changed. It's a well developed chapter.

I enjoyed how you showed Esme's thoughts and her figurings. What she's going to do in the future, how she's going to not let the others use her and how she's going to pervent that portal from being opened.

It's getting very, very exciting. Sorry for the not very helpful review. I didn't know what to say besides good job! Pm again when the next piece is up.

Happy Writing!

Meadow

Aha! The next part! Let us read, shall we? ^_^ Oh, forewarning--I love nitpicks, can be brutally honest, and am sometimes long-winded.
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She kept her head facing forwards as she heard the iron door shut behind Joseph, its clang harsh upon her sensitive ears. She [s]stayed[/s] paused a moment, waiting in case he returned.

Couple things here. First, as a general rule, I try not to start consecutive sentences with the same word; preferably, I avoid the same sentence structure as well. I.e., starting with the subject one sentence, then subject again, and again...you get the picture. Also, the passive voice in the second sentence here doesn't really fit. Either restructure it completely (to help with the previously-mentioned flow issue) or simply cut out 'stayed'.

I’m going to think things through--come up with some sort of plan before I go back to them.

You had a coma where I put the dash. Speaking of which, this is how you do a dash on MS Word: word--word [yes type both of the little -'s] (spacebar)---> — Tada! This is what you really want in those cases where you've used (-). But even if it doesn't work on your word processor, don't sweat it--as long as you make it the double dash, we'll know what you mean. ^_^

Squeezing her eyes shut, she thought back over [s]once more[/s] [unnecessary wording] what Joseph had said.

To live would be available to all those who wanted it--and there were many who certainly would.

Eh; the verb doesn't really work here. How do you make a verb possessive? It just doesn't happen... Try 'life' here instead. Also, I fixed your dash for you, but I'm not going to point out the rest. That's your job as head proofreader of your work.

They’ll be too many. It would be impossible to keep our identities secret from humans with such a large amount of us roaming around- and what then

Does she really speak this way (non-italics)? I once read in a (very helpful) book on writing fiction that studying real-life dialogue will actually help with your own dialogue writing (just, don't copy it too heavily. You can generally cut out the 'uh's 'um's and 'err's unless someone else interrupts or it's used by a character to fill space in an uncomfortable scene). Trust me--it works. If I was going to say this (the unitalizised section), I'd say "with so many of us." Doesn't that sound a lot more natural?

The answer was obvious, but she hated to confront it- they would reveal themselves to the world. It would be the old ones overruling the new, and the old would surely win with powers from long ago available to them.

Hm. This is interesting. On an obvious note, there should be a comma where I put one in...but I'm looking at the rest of this sentence wondering if maybe there'd be a better way to phrase it. Also, in this case I'm agreeing with Writingmouse on your use of dashes. A friend here on YWS once told me (to paraphrase), 'use commas more than dashes, dashes more than semis [;], and use semis sparingly.' Here, I actually might use a full colon [:], for dramatic effect.

An image rose to the forefront of her mind; terrified people fleeing from the path of the old ones, their bodies unnaturally beautiful and glowing with strength - no corpse-like appearances, they would be presented in their full potential now. They were strong, alive with energy and power, like Esme herself. She could picture Zahra, her cruel smile twisting her face as she shouted at the crowds of civilians.

Meh. I'd just restructure this whole thing (especially 'cause of the semi in the first sentence). Maybe, "An image rose to the front of her mind: terrified people fleeing from the old ones, their bodies unnaturally beautiful and glowing with strength. In their full potential, they would have shed their corpse-like appearances."

“Your time is up! We have returned to take our rightful place in this world- our world.” The cackling laughter Esme had come to hate so much would escape Zahra’s lips. No one [two words]would be able to stand in their way. People would hide in fear, as the new hybrids hunt[s]ing[/s]ed them for sport, [s]and[/s] wrenching their homes and possessions from the[s]m[/s] humans for their own needs.

Just how I would fix this. *shrug* Take it how you will, use it if you want.

But she was not her--she was Esme, and Holly was just as much a part of her.

She knew the people who could provide her with answers, but her curiosity could not overcome her aversion to going down into the ‘den’ in which Zahra and the others awaited her [s]in[/s].

I won’t let them trick me into anything. I’m the one they want to please; I can use it to my advantage.

Simple grammar/punctuation fixes.

They don’t know who I really am, [s]they don’t know[/s] how I feel about them. I’m in control now. If I find out what they want me for, I’ll play up to their expectations [s]of me[/s] [unnecessary wording again] and just keep any ‘un-Esmerald-ish’ comments to myself- I can [then] just leave if I need to. I don’t have to do as they want.

The bold and the non-italics are two different ways you can fix the first sentence. In the third sentence, you can either cut out 'then' or move it to the beginning of the sentence. Either way works.

Her thoughts gave Esme courage, her grin widened.

That’s right, if I don’t agree with what they are planning, I’ll just go.

^^These have already been nitpicked.

A slight frown creased her features momentarily at the question of where she could go- the idea of returning to Holly’s life would be impossible- but she shoved the worry away into a corner of her mind.

Recommend breaking this into at least two sentences, maybe: A slight frown creased her features momentarily at the question of where she could go--the idea of returning to Holly's life would be nearly impossible. But she shoved the worry away into a corner of her mind. She could cross that bridge when she came to it. Or something similar.

Also, you use pronouns a lot--like, the he/she/it variety. Try to spice it up a bit. For my characters, for example, I can come up with the man; the boy; the warrior; the hero; the Hero (difference between lower and cap cases); the Hylian (yes, talking about my fanfiction here); or the soldier. I'm sure there're even more out there. But the point is, there're so many things you can use other than 'she' when describing what your character's doing. I could go even farther with the previous example and say 'the blond warrior' or 'the teenage Hero' (I believe you've seen that one before, haha ). As another friend on here told me (yet again paraphrasing), 'They're like "oh, information!" without being obvious.' Or something to that effect. xD

Esme knew she had to go inside; Zahra would be confused as to her absence, and she had already made the mistake of rousing suspicion in Joseph.

The forest was bright and her skin's pale tone stood out even more as the light illuminated it. [s]A[/s] The thought struck her that she would never look down to see a scattering of freckles along her arm again. She didn’t know if this was a bad thing--after all, she was now stunning instead of the plain, not particularly beautiful, [s]body[/s] Holly [s]had possessed[/s]. Just… odd.

"The forest was bright."<--Wow, way to tell us! I mean yeah, that gives us a good idea what you're going for--but maybe you don't need it. Or, transfer the info to another part of the sentence. Maybe, "Her skin's pale tone stood out even more in the early-morning sunlight streaming through the pale emerald canopy" instead.
"...after all, she was now stunning instead of the plain, not particularly beautiful, body Holly had possessed."<--Oook. Some weird construction here. I think you were trying to smash two different kinds of sentences together here, haha. We're comparing features here, not possessions; or, to clarify, if you don't have 'body' in the first part of a comparative sentence, chances are, you shouldn't have it in the second. I inserted how I'd edit it in the quote above.
"Just... odd."<--That's just...odd! xD This is just extra baggage as far as I can see. There's really no point to it, unless you'd like to elaborate...? Haha. ^_^

She forced herself to push aside that thought, too and swiftly turned on the spot to cover the few feet to the door. Its weight was nothing to her, and the darkness that enveloped her once the heavy iron closed [s]behind[/s] [come on, do you have nothing more spectacular? How about "clanged shut behind her"?] was no problem either. Esme’s eyes were barely effected by the lack of light, although in truth there was not much to be seen. The [s]stone[/s] cobbled saying 'cobbled' already tells us it's stone floor brought recent memories of Holly’s to mind, seen [s]in[/s] from a hazy, indistinct perspective. The walls were the same, [s]no lamps illuminated them as they had before though-[/s] except all the flames [or lamps] had been extinguished.

She felt a chill run down her spine and decided that speed would not be a bad idea here.

Ah--here's a good place to demonstrate how to rearrange sentences so the subject isn't at the beginning. "Feeling a chill run down her spine, she--Wait a minute; let's make this Esme. You haven't used her name much in this part--Esme decided that speed would not be a bad idea here."

The wind was stale, no longer the fresh breeze that had blown against her outside but old and dead. Its scent rushed up her nose as her body whirred into a swift sprint down the passage. Its twist and turns, the steep steps and the dipping ceiling were obstacles easily overcome with her reflexes. She could already hear murmurings close by and a number of doors started to appear on either side of her, some heavy and carved of stone, others constructed crudely out of wood.

Here's yet another example where the structure could be better arranged for a nicer flow. But I'll let you deal with that. However, I'll address the third sentence--I'd probably cut the first part about murmurings, if I were you, or at least change how it appears in the sentence. Then put a dash before the descriptions of the different doors.

I was kept in one of those.

She wondered which room had housed her paralysed body, the prison cell she had come to detest.

I'd probably cut one or the other of these. Or, 'I wonder which one I was kept in...' she wondered briefly as she darted past.

She could hear the voices on the other side- they were hushed, but she could pick out her name from a number of conversations. It [s]would[/s] seemed she was the hot topic of conversation in there.

She lay her hand on the cool handle, [s]and[/s] turn[s]ed[/s]ing it slowly before pushing the door open to reveal those inside. All sounds stopped and all eyes turned up to face her [s]body,[/s] as she stood outlined in the doorway.

Just a few suggestions, nothing really major. *shrug*
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Now! The Overall!

Agreed, this is one of the more slow-paced sections of the story. Also agreed, slow sections are necessary (much to many people's chagrins, including mine ). So I didn't really care it was short/slow. The point is, it was engaging. That's what's important in a story. Grab and keep the reader's attention, whether it's action, mystery, romance, or what-have-you.

I loved how you brought out Esme's inner conflicts about right and wrong. It just makes sense, what with the way you've got Esmerald's and Holly's opposing view points stuck in one body.

Alright, that's enough for one review! I should be doing other things... ^^;;; Oh, before I go--a little advice on getting past writer's block. Try a little outline of some kind. I find it helps more than staring at the screen or reading over what you've already written a bazillion times. You don't even need a full outline of the story (though that helps me), just some key points you'd like to address in the next scene. After that, if your characters are well-developed, they should lead you in the best direction from there...or sometimes not. But that's why we're the authors, not them.

Ok, enough! Continue writing, good luck, and I shall see you again...whenever I see you again! xD
~Glad

Thanks for the PM, again !XD
I was too engrossed to actually find anything wrong with this, I think it was perfect. Heheh. >_>
Write more soon ! XD