Standardized

Surroundings
Surreal
I feel as if I am being enveloped by a dark abyss
The contents of my stomach
pitfall into the depths of a bottomless pit
The atmosphere is endless
Yet seems to encase me into one single area
Which is my place for eternity
A capsule
Forever interrupted by the bearings of its encasement
Every fiber of my body convulses under the barrier set above me
Pushing
Prodding
Tearing away the
Fallacies
Discrepancies
Disparities
Until I am rid of the impurities that weighed me down
Cleansed of the abnormalities that once set me apart


_____

Tear it to Shreds
*revised a bit with frozencyberspace's help

Hey =]

Here as requested, though I must say that I'm awful at reviewing poetry

I've never been able to write it, so I'm useless at telling a poet what is wrong and what's right.

That being said, I did enjoy reading your poem and I think I got the concept of it. Think

The person is locked up until they are cleaned of their impurities and sins? - Seriously, your lucky to have gotten that out of me

I love the imagery you used though;

The atmosphere is endless
Yet seems to incase me into one single area - I loved this part.

So that is my rubbish review I'm sorry, but I did the best that I could.

I'm not going to attempt to pull it apart - I'll leave that for someone who understands the layout of poetry.

xDudettex

hehe, i was wondering if the concept was clear enough, and now i guess it wasnt! i need to work on that...


aww, lol so sorry to put you in that perdicament! but thank you for still posting!

fatimachan wrote:Surroundings
Surreal
I feel as if I am being enveloped into a dark abyss Perhaps it's just me, but the word "by" seems slightly more appropriate here.
The contents of my stomach pitfall into the depths of a bottomless pit
The atmosphere is endless
Yet seems to incase encase, I believe. me into one single area
Which is my place for eternity
A capsule
Forever interrupted by the bearings of its encasement In my humble opinion, the fact that you've already used the word "encase" takes away slightly from this line.
Every fiber of my body convulses under
The barrier set above me I'm just questioning the purpose of this line break. As a general rule, unless it serves a purpose, don't bother breaking - especially when you have description as lovely as you do.
Pushing
Prodding
Tearing away the
Fallacies
Discrepancies
Disparities
Until I am rid of the impurities that weighed me down
Cleansed of the abnormalities that set me apart I'm a big fan of this line. But the word 'set' is the same in present and past tense, so I think just personally that it would add even more of the same to this line to say "that once set me apart".

General notes:
You have a very fanciful way of describing things that aren't very fanciful. It's just lovely.
You also have a very strong sense of self in this piece.
Plus, I LOVE the message. Well, what I got out of it, anyway - my interpretation:
Without imperfection, we have no room for individuality, and fall into the ranks of those without idiosyncracy.

If I'm wrong - Please tell me! Cause I'm curious.

Critiques:
Your poetry is so structured in many parts that it seems to verge on prose poetry, and to be honest I'd rather see this work as prose poetry. The voice seems to want to say a lot more than it does - don't feel that less is more in poetry; just read poems like those of Poe and Ginsberg. Especially when your ending is one that is drawn out for a lasted effect rather than abrupt for a short shock, it would perhaps aid the general flow to elongate in-between the longer lines.
Alternatively, you could crop and cut, placing line breaks where necessary. However, it is difficult to read a long line and then a short one.

I do like this work, and I look forward to reading more from you.

Hi fatimachan! Sorry it took me so long to get round to reviewing this...

It's a very intense and strong poem. It definitely breaks the mold-it isn't the cliched "I'm so depressed..." type of poem-it ends on a somewhat positive note. I also like how it is told in a stream of consciousness, like something a crazy person would be saying . (This is a good thing, by the way!).

The reader doesn't understand the concepts and ideas in the poem the first few times they read it-it has to be thought about a bit, you need to uncover the mystery. That's a plus in poetry-it shouldn't be blatantly spelled out. The reader should do some of the work too.

Overall, this is interesting and intense. I especially like the title "Standardized".