Princess On The Doorsteps -Prolouge-

You know those old fashioned stories about babies being left on other peoples doorsteps by their parents because the parents can't take care of them for whatever reason?

They're true, at least some of the time anyways. How would I know? I was one of those babies.

My parent's probably could have left me on one of the hundreds of homes, owned by heartless people, yet I got lucky. I was left on Serena’s & John's doorstep. A young couple, who by pure fluke had been told earlier that very same day Serena could never give birth.

From a young age, I was told the truth of how they found me and what happened afterwards. They searched for my real parents, for any hint of the family I'd come from, but none seemed to exist. My birth certificate had been left with them when I was, but yet it didn't list the hospital I was born in, and it didn't list my parent's names. The two of them never saw a point in lying to me. Telling me how god had given me to them, and how I truly was their daughter.

I called them mom and dad. I loved them the same way they loved me. Sure I'd used the fact they weren't really my parents once in a fight, but besides that it seemed to only come up on thanksgiving when they went off about how thankful they were for me.

Just because I had a good life, and was happy didn't mean I wasn't eternally curious to where I had come from, who my real parents were and why they had abandoned me. Maybe it was my parents were just some teenage couple who couldn't handle a child, or some father whose wife had died in childbirth so he could never look at me, maybe they just didn't want a little girl, or maybe I wasn't good enough. I didn't care what the reason was I just wish I knew what it was.

Grammar mistakes, I couldn't find many.

Their true, at least some of the time anyways.

Their should be they're.

My parent's probably could of left me

I think it should say could have. I'm not 100% sure about it though.

owned my heartless people

owned by

Other than those few errors, I think it's really good.

Of course, this idea has been used plenty of times but somehow you were still able to keep it interesting.

I also like that even though this will be a fantasy story, you didn't introduce any fantasy elements right off the back. It's certainly going to add to the surprise later when we find out what it is and why the character was abandoned.

Heya,
I think you really should add the fantasy element in, or anything else that's suspenseful, because this seems too boring. The style, and flowing, was fine, but if it starts like this, the reader might not like it much. Maybe if you added a cliffhanger statement at the end, it would be fine.

Keep writing!

Nice story! Umm, the begining could use a little work, and the end too. Maybe you should go on a little more about those stories, because you might just meet a reader who doesn't know those stories. As for the end, I think it could be useful to change the last line a bit, it doesn't fully make sense, that's all. Not caring what the reason is, but wanting to know, is just a bit off rational. Then again, if your character's character isn't rational entirely, but mostly dreamy and childish a little, then it could work. I am tired and therefore have a lot of grammar mistakes. Please forgive that. Anywho, nobody really knows how the mind thinks, so I guess it does make sense. Also, maybe you could describe her love toward her parents a little more and how hurt they were when she said they weren't her parents in that fight, then again, I might just be looking to add something more to this, when it is just a prologue, and not the real thing. That is all, bye now!
ofir

Their true, at least some of the time anyways. How would I know? I was one of those babies.

the "how would i know?" seems sort of cliche to me. The whole lead up to the "i was one of those babies". it is kind of aparent that you would know because you were in fact one of those babies. So it just seems like you asking is un neaded.

instead it could be something like:

"They're true, at least some of the time anyways.

I myself, was one of those babies."

or whater, if it was out, i think it might look better? just my opinion of course.

"I didn't care what the reason was I just wish I knew what it was."

nice. I like how you leave us with a mystery, now all of the readers are wishing to know what it is also.

oh and to ofir about the ending sentence, yeah i see what your getting at,

"I didn't care what the reason was I just wish I knew what it was."

the sentence is sort of confusing, it seems like at first she is saying she doesnt care what the reason is and then saying she does care what the reason is. You feel me?

it would be more understandable if it were:

"I didn’t care what the reason was, I just wish i knew what the reason was"

put emphasis on the "what" and add "the reason" again so it doesn’t seem like she's saying the same thing.

Hey there!

All the mistakes have been pointed out. But I agree with the others. You need to draw the reader in more. Of course, though, the first two paragraphs did draw me in but it did get rather...er...boring. Sorry I must sound so mean! But make it more exciting. I know it's only the prologue but make it more mysterious and fantasyish ^_^

Telling me how god had given me to them, and how I truly was their daughter.

God needs to capitilized ^_^

PM when the next part is up please.

Happy Writing!

Meadow

No offense, but this idea seems a little... old. Like I've already read this a thousand times. I can just see that this is going to end up being about the orphan with the magical powers, the prophecy, the secret princess... ugh. Maybe you aren't heading that way, maybe you've got a mind blowingly creative plot idea, but it seems like this is just going to be another boring old story. If I was a reader, at this point I'd close the book.

You know those old fashioned stories about babies being left on other peoples doorsteps by their parents because the parents can't take care of them for whatever reason?

Yes, I do know those stories! Which is why this beginning seems so boring. You need a better hook, something that will suck the reader in.

Well, I like it as a beginning. True this is a prologue but, i still think that we need a little more. We don't know her name and we have no idea what the whole fantasy part of this is. Does she have some magical powers or is she a non magic person in a magic world. The readers wants more. We need details.

MuffinWriter wrote:You know those old fashioned stories about babies being left on other peoples doorsteps by their parents because they No need to repeat parents can't take care of them for whatever reason?

They're true, at least some of the time anyways. How would I know? I was one of those babies.

My parent's probably could have left me on the doorstep of one of the hundreds of homes, owned by heartless people, yet I got lucky. I was left on Serena’s & John's doorstep. A young couple, who by pure fluke Luck maybe? had been told earlier that very same day Serena could never give birth.

At a young age, I was told the truth of how they found me and what happened afterwards. They searched for my real parents, for any hint of the family I'd come from, but none seemed to exist. My birth certificate had been left with them when I was, but yet it didn't list the hospital I was born in, and it didn't list my parent's names. The two of them never saw a point in lying to me. Telling me how god had given me to them, and how I truly was their daughter.

I called them mom and dad. I loved them the same way they loved me. Sure I'd used the fact they weren't really my parents once in a fight, but besides that it seemed to only come up on thanksgiving when they went off about how thankful they were for me.

Just because I had a good life, and was happy didn't mean I wasn't eternally curious to where I had come from, who my real parents were and why they had abandoned me. Maybe it was my parents were just some teenage couple who couldn't handle a child, or some father whose wife had died in childbirth so he could never look at me, maybe they just didn't want a little girl, or maybe I wasn't good enough. I didn't care what the reason was I just wish I knew what it was.

Really good beginning. I like how you started off the piece talking to the reader. It makes them feel engaged in what you are saying, and allows them to connect with your story. Hopefully you write more about because you definitely left me wanting to find out what happens next.

Hey Muffin Writer,

Princess on the Doorsteps... Interesting title. I do think it is effective. It does tell a remarkably large portion of the plot though. Perhaps you would also care to drop the final "s". As the writer, it's your choice, but I do think it would have a more interesting feel in the singular. Let's take the actual story, and see what we can do with it, though.

MuffinWriter wrote:You know those old fashioned stories about babies being left on other peoples doorsteps by their parents because the parents can't take care of them for whatever reason?

This is the first chapter of your story. It's also the first, and possibly most important chance you get to draw your audience in. You want your sentence to read brusquely, and grab the attention of your reader. I can't help but find that this is not as effective in this regard as it might be. Break it up into parts. And build it up.

They're true, at least some of the time anyways. How would I know? I was one of those babies.

Remember, sometimes being short and being sweet are synonymous. Cut out the "anyways". It doesn't contribute anything. Remember: when writing, describe the most important things the most. You can omit anything that is not important.

I was left on Serena’s & John's doorstep. A young couple, who by pure fluke had been told earlier that very same day Serena could never give birth.

that Serena could never give birth.

From a young age, I was told the truth of how they found me and what happened afterwards.

How they had found you. Also, how old was that young age? 20 is a young age compared to 80. Also, do we need to know that they told you at a young age? How is it going to help us later on?

any hint of the family I'd come from,

Perhaps, "my true family" rather than "the family I had come from".

but yet it didn't list the hospital I was born in, and it didn't list my parent's names.

Choose: But, or Yet. Not both.

Telling me how god had given me to them, and how I truly was their daughter.

This is a fragment. You want to turn it into a full sentence, or possibly omit it completely.

I called them mom and dad.

Capitalize "Mom" and "Dad".

Just because I had a good life, and was happy didn't mean I wasn't eternally curious to where I had come from, who my real parents were and why they had abandoned me.

Insert an "it" between "happy" and "didn't"'.

Maybe it was my parents were just some teenage couple who couldn't handle a child

Insert a "that" between "was" and "my".

Overall:

Originality: I think as this is the main point brought up by those who reviewed before me, we should deal with it first. Countless stories have been composed about people who try to find their parents. However, any one idea can manifest itself in many different forms, a prospect which can bring about originality. You do, however, need to take the initiative, and ensure that your piece becomes original. What is it about your piece that is going to make it special. Find that out, and drive your whole story around that point. I'll give you an example:

I didn't care what the reason was I just wish I knew what it was.

You finish the chapter. We don't really want to know anything more at this stage. You want us to want to know what's going to happen next. I don't know where you want to go with this story, but let's say for instance you want your MC to find the parents, and see that they are drug addicts. You could write this as follows, and make us want more:

I wished I knew why they had abandoned me. I didn't care about what the reason actually was. But everything changed after I found them.

Now, if you were to have put it like this, we would have wanted to know about who the parents actually were. But you needed to do this throughout the chapter. Drop small hints that make us want to read to find out more, and drive your whole story around the one idea. Of course you can have sub-plots, but you want us to know what it is that makes your story special.

Prose: You need to work on this. Ensure that sentences are not redundant or unnecessary. Make your sentences brief unless you have specific reason to lengthen them. And most importantly, use this to tell us your emotion.

Description: We need a little more of this. Tell us certain things that make her house strange. What intrigued you? Why should we read your story when there are so many others out there? You can answer these questions. Spend time doing this, and using your prose to convey these points to us.

Characters: We need more characters. You can always give us information as you go along. You don't necessarily need to dump it on us in the prologue. It's often more intriguing to have interesting character interaction, and this can get us to want to read more.

Overall Impression: You have a start. You want something more though. Something not merely normal, but something special. You need to let us know why your piece is special. With some work, you'll have a great story here. Good luck with the edit.

Have a great one!

Hiyas! I'm Saphire and I'm here to critique your work!

Well, it looks like everyone else has handled most of the work, so I'll just go over things like plot, characters, and description. I hope you don't mind if I repeat what others have said...

Plot: I thought this was good for a beginning. I know that others have said it was a bit boring, but I see so many possibilities with how this story can come out. Originality is a must, so make it your own. Add some spice and create a story that will have everyone begging for more! Anyway, a little bit of a red herring there, but I think the plot will work out quite nicely. It just depends on what you're planning to do.

Characters: Though we know about the character's status as a child, we barely know anything about her. What's her name? Her age? What does she look like? Maybe you don't need to put everything in this post, but give us a little to go by so that we can step into the main character's shoes.

Description: I thought your description was good, but that we could use a bit more of it. This will enhance the reader's opinion of the work and allow us to get a feel of what is going on. So, bring it on! Whatever description you throw at me, I can take it!

Overall: This was a good start, as I said before, and I'm interested to know where it will head. Just work a little bit more on bringing us into the story and showing a little bit more. PM me when you post more. I'd love to find out what happens with Emily.

Smiles!

@;~ Saph