THE APPLE

It's sloppy and free verse, but it's not supposed to be a perfect, pretty little poem.



Back bent slightly
By the weight of the world
Hands always fisted
Against life’s strong tolls

Tied up so tightly
In a ball of self protection
Rolled up so tensely
In a wall of self destruction.

You keep getting lost
In your mind mazes
And you keep gripping firm
To your own broken heart.

Screaming against an unmoving wall
And fighting a losing battle
The child inside screams-
Twisted and burned.

Head held high in false pretence
And hands shaking lightly
As fear grips rigid
You lose it slightly.

Your eyes have reached
The cavern of madness
And the confusion
Drives you insane.

You push away
The ones sustaining love
And softly smother
The soft touch of
Trust.

When will you
See?
The apple doesn’t
Fall far from the tree

Dad. . .

ConfusingSillyLittleGirl wrote:
Back bent slightly This is a nice start. i like this stanza.
By the weight of the world;
Hands always fisted
Against life’s strong tolls.

Tied up so tightly
In a ball of self protection;
Rolled up so tensely This verse is kind of repetitive. I have a feeling you meant for it to be that way, but it sounds slightly... amateur to the reader. Maybe keep the first two lines and change the second two.
In a wall of self destruction.

You keep getting lost
In your mind mazes; I dislike the phrase "mind mazes." It sounds out of place. Also, could you get rid of the "and" after the semicolon? It feels unnecessary.
And you keep gripping firm
To your own broken heart.

Screaming against an unmoving wall I love the wording of this stanza. It creates strong mental pictures for me. However, the second line doesn't flow right. Change it around so that there is no "and".
And fighting a losing battle;
The child inside screams,
Twisted and burned.

Head held high in false pretense How come these lines rhyme? You said it was free verse, so I wouldn't have just a few lines rhyme.
And hands shaking lightly
As fear grips rigid
You lose it slightly.

Your eyes have reached This verse is alright. Nothing to comment on, but nothing spectacular.
The cavern of madness,
And the confusion
Drives you insane.

You push away
The ones sustaining love,
And softly smother
The soft touch of
Trust. Why is this word on its own? You probably want emphasis on it, but the extra line doesn't go with the rest of the poem.

When will you Again, these lines rhyme, even though this is a free verse poem. Also, the "see" on its own makes this stanza choppy and stuttering to read. I like the last lines though.
See?
The apple doesn’t
Fall far from the tree.

Dad. . .

On the whole, this is an okay poem. The wording is good, and the flow is short and simple. I do like the message, too. However, there is definitely room for improvement. I added punctuation and spelling errors in bold. Like I said, it's not bad, but it doesn't really work for me. Hope I helped though, and keep writing!

Peanut here!

Tied up so tightly
In a ball of self protection
Rolled up so tensely
In a wall of self destruction.

I don't know what it is about this stanza, but it seems off on rhythm a little. On the last stanza, try finding a synonym for 'self destruction'... I think that is what is messing with the rhythm.

Head held high in false pretence
And hands shaking lightly
As fear grips rigid
You lose it slightly.

Hmm... the only stanza that rhymes. I'm not sure if this is a coincidence. If the rest of your stanzas don't rhyme, then I wouldn't make this one, lonely stanza rhyme... but then again, it is free verse.

You push away
The ones sustaining love
And softly smother
The soft touch of
Trust.

The last few lines' line breaks don't seem right.

When will you
See?
The apple doesn’t
Fall far from the tree

The line breaks in this stanza seem off too... and you are rhyming...

I liked this poem, a n ode to your father, so-to-speak, but I would work on it a little. Just dust it up a bit. Great job