Question Chapter 3

OK. I edited a big chunk out because it was WAY too long, anyway, butcher it, tear it to shreds! Review my work Thanks!




Dad drove me to school, I sat in the car in silence, he tried to start conversation more than once but I put my earphones in. He soon got the message that I didn’t want to talk. I got out of the car muttering a bye.

I pulled my hood up before walking through the school gates. Maybe no one would really recognize me with my hood up. I made sure I couldn’t hear the whispers, I turned my music up. There were still faint bruises on my face, they were yellowing now. But I was hoping that people wouldn’t really notice it too much, but the large white bandage on my forehead was impossible to hide.

I started walking through the field towards the school building, but I stopped, I saw the bench in the distance. This had been the setting of my finding. I was found here, lying on the bench 100meters away from me. I didn’t want to attract more attention to myself so I hurried forward. I was early to form so there weren’t many people there, they all stared.

I quietly went to my usual seat and sat down. I only had to sit there being stared at for 3 minutes because Eva and Kathy came rushing through the door squealing with excitement. As they walked towards our table they eyed up anyone staring, thankfully my friends would be slightly normal. With them sitting next to me, people stopped staring. “How are you?” Kathy and Eva spluttered out the same sentence at once, I smiled at them. “Yeah I’m fine; I don’t really remember anything anyway…” My voice became a whisper. “It’s all a blur…I just. I just remember being found.” There faces gave them away; the four weeks I had been missing had caused them hell too. I wondered if they blamed themselves in some way. I didn’t want to think about it too much.

“You know who found you right?” Yes. I wanted to answer yes, to tell them the truth, but I thought I’d play dumb and let them fill me in. I let a confused expression spread across my face. “Who found me?” they gave each other a quick glance and then looked back at me with a worried expression, Eva kept on eyeing up my bandage on my head. “Well…Oliver found you. I never thought I’d say this but I feel quite sorry for him.” She felt sorry for him? “What do you mean?” Kathy never was a fan of Oliver but why would she feel sorry for him. “Even though he didn’t really know you like we did and he wasn’t family but it hit him really hard, I think he blames himself… you know, cause it. It happened after school that day…”

I looked down at my lap. I didn’t want to look into their eyes; I was going to make them pay. Make them pay for what they did to me and everyone I care about. The reason why I didn’t tell the police anything was because I was going to find them myself, I didn’t care how long it took, and I would wait. And when I found them, I’d kill them.



I walked into Math’s expecting to sit in my normal seat, but the seating plan had changed. And everyone was staring, I was hoping this would pass soon, it was extremely irritating. Were they waiting for me to breakdown and cry? Tell them about my 4 weeks. I knew that’s what they wanted, they wanted to be able to know so they can gossip about it and feel sorry for me, and didn’t they have anything better to do. I walked over to Ms. Longley’s desk; she was looking through a pile of sheets.
“Err Miss?” She looked up, her hair was a mess, Ms. Longley was always organized and well, not a mess.
“Yes Kelly.” She smiled at me encouragingly. At least someone wasn’t acting like I was a freak shows main attraction. “Where do I sit?” She understood immediately. “Oh right, well because you’ve been err away, I changed the seating plan so that you can sit next to someone who can help you. And so that you’re near to me if you need any help, you sit right there.” She pointed to the front desk in the middle and there sitting on that desk was Oliver. I sighed and sat down next to him.


I didn’t want to explain everything to him now, in Math’s of all places. I could already tell this was going to be awkward. He fidgeted in his seat and then leaned in to whisper something. “Hey, how are you?”
“Err I’m good thanks, how are you?” This was ridiculous. He had never really noticed me before, now that I’m some helpless victim, everyone likes me. This world is fucked up. He still hadn’t answered me. I looked at him and he was just looking down at his work. “Hey, you ok?” He said something, but it was too low for me to hear, I leaned down so I could hear him better. “I can’t hear you, say that again?” He then looked up at me; he looked like he was in agony. “I don’t know how to explain myself; I’m so sorry, it- It’s entirely my fault.” There wasn’t much I could really say to that.

I just looked at him, my mouth hanging open, so my theory was right and Kathy and Eva were right. I closed my mouth and turned to the front. I had already decided to explain to him what had happened, but I decided it was probably best to tell him somewhere where I wasn’t watched by 24 people.
“Look, I need to talk to you, about… that. Are you busy this Saturday?” He looked up at me with a confused expression on his face. “You, you don’t hate me?” I couldn’t help myself, I started laughing. “No, of course not. Well, are you?”
“No, I’m not busy.” I smiled at him encouragingly. “I’ll meet you at Preston Park, by the clock tower at 1.” He just nodded. I sighed and looked at the textbook.


The bell rang and me and Kathy were leaving the classroom when Oliver stopped us outside. Was he going to make a scene of some sort? He went to say something but I stopped him.
“I’ll talk to you Saturday OK? Don’t think this is the best place for err talking.” I proved my point as I looked around at the crowd gathering. I started dragging Kathy away. I had biology next. “What was that all about? What’s happening Saturday?”
“Oh, I’m just meeting him to explain that none of it is his fault…” She understood immediately. “Oh. Well this is slightly ironic.” I looked up at her in confusion. “You what?” She just laughed. “I mean, you’re the one who’s been through hell and back, and there you are comforting him, when he was the reason behind all of this, he couldn’t postpone his little trip with what’s-her-face to go to the library with you.” Did everyone know about this? Was this why he blamed himself?

“What are you talking about? Is that why he thinks it’s his fault, it’s gone round the school?” I didn’t need her to answer me, because of course it had. I must have been the gossip for the first week or so, and I was now. “Whoever spread that really shouldn’t have. They don’t know anything about it. How can people point the finger at someone else for being busy? That’s ridiculous. If anyone should be blamed it’s the people that took me!” I didn’t realise that I was making a scene till I looked around me and a crowd had gathered. They all looked at me like I was a mental case. I couldn’t handle this, it was all too much. All those people watching my every move. The crowd was starting to get bigger and my breathing accelerated. “Kelly?”

I could hear a ringing noise in my ears. I looked around at people, they were all just staring. I could feel my eyes watering; the only thing that really made me cry was embarrassment. The crowd was getting bigger, I recognised all the faces, and I saw Oliver, Becky, Gina, Sam and pretty much anyone who was in a class nearby. I guess this was the opportunity I was looking for. “Yes, I am alive. And yes I am sane. But please, I don’t need or want this unnecessary attention. I just want to be normal again.” I felt the silent tears roll down my cheeks. Kathy went to comfort me but I shook her off and started for the stairs. I was getting out of here. I couldn’t take it any longer. I knew people were watching me but as soon as I was outside I started running, running through the school field to the gates. I stopped outside the gates and tried to breathe evenly. I then started walking, I didn’t really know where, there was a café nearby, it was overpriced but I didn’t care. It was January and I was really cold. I heard running behind me and turned to see who it was. Oliver stopped when he was a meter away from me, he was breathing heavily. “Fucking hell you can run. Is now a good time to talk?”

Woah. This is kind of bunched up.

A few tips :

1)Every time a new person speaks a new paragraph is started.

2) You shouldn't have paragraphs that are super long. It's hard for the readers to read it like that. Perhaps split them up.

3) Reread this to edit all the grammer and other errors.

Erm. Sorry, I'd give this a better review but I haven't read the other chapters yet.

How about this:
I'll go read your other chapters and then you give me a PM when you fix this up, okay?

~Storm

Hi Armagan!! I've been waiting for ages for this!! It's really coming along! And now for the review! I will butcher it and tear it to shreds!

Dad drove me to school, I sat in the car in silence, he tried to start conversation more than once but I put my earphones in. He soon got the message that I didn’t want to talk. I got out of the car muttering a bye.

This whole paragraph is kinda confusing to me. I mean, I get the picture, She doesn't want to talk to her dad. You might want to add a semicolon after school. Here's a little example: Dad drove me to school; I sat in silence as he tried to start a conversation. Once I put my earphones in he soon got the message that I didn't want to talk. Just a little thought there.

I made sure I couldn’t hear the whispers, I turned my music up.

Okay, here you say I a lot. You might want to change the first I. Maybe like this: To make sure I couldn't..... So on and so forth. Or you can add a by after whispers and change turned to turning. Then take out the comma. That way we won't get confused and it has less I's.

There were still faint bruises on my face, they were yellowing now.

Yellowing is an interesting word to use. A good way to describe it would be to say like "they had turned a brilliant shade of yellow." Something like that.

I didn’t want to attract more attention to myself so I hurried forward. I was early to form so there weren’t many people there, they all stared.

Hmmm, this has a lot of I's too. Maybe find a way to not have so many I's. (Don't worry though, I have a hard time with it too! ) Here's a thought: I hurried forward to prevent unwanted attention. Simple enough, right?
The next thing is when you get to form. She was early to form, not a lot of people were there, and they all stared. Confusing! It might be better to reword this a bit. Here's one way: I got to form early and there weren't a lot of people there. But they all turned their heads and stared at me.

Oh right, well because you’ve been err away, I changed the seating plan so that you can sit next to someone who can help you.

Only one thing wrong with this. Err is normally spelled Er. One r only.

He fidgeted in his seat and then leaned in to whisper something. “Hey, how are you?”
“Err I’m good thanks, how are you?”

Okay, I've talked to you about this before. You need to separate dialogue with paragraphs. Example:
"Hey, how are you?"
"Err, I'm good thanks. How are you?"
See? This way people don't get confused on who's talking.

This world is fucked up.

I've told you this before also. Rating is important. You use fuck, and for that, it's better to rate your works 'R'. Please, if you use it in your next chapter, rate it R.

Hey, you ok?” He said something, but it was too low for me to hear, I leaned down so I could hear him better. “I can’t hear you, say that again?” He then looked up at me; he looked like he was in agony. “I don’t know how to explain myself; I’m so sorry, it- It’s entirely my fault.” There wasn’t much I could really say to that.

I just looked at him, my mouth hanging open, so my theory was right and Kathy and Eva were right. I closed my mouth and turned to the front. I had already decided to explain to him what had happened, but I decided it was probably best to tell him somewhere where I wasn’t watched by 24 people.
“Look, I need to talk to you, about… that. Are you busy this Saturday?” He looked up at me with a confused expression on his face. “You, you don’t hate me?” I couldn’t help myself, I started laughing. “No, of course not. Well, are you?”
“No, I’m not busy.” I smiled at him encouragingly. “I’ll meet you at Preston Park, by the clock tower at 1.” He just nodded. I sighed and looked at the textbook.

Please, please, please, use paragraphs for dialogue! We get so confused. If you need more help with paragraphs, PM me.

Is that why he thinks it’s his fault, it’s gone round the school?

You should probably add a because after the comma so it makes more sense.

Well, good job on this chapter, it's really good. I can't wait to read more! PM me if you need any help with this, or when you post your next chapter!! I'll always review!! Great job!

Lucy Pennykettle

Hi Armagan Yay! You posted it! I like this part, I felt so sorry for her I agree with the points Lucy has made but have some more of my own to add on

But I was hoping that people wouldn’t really notice it too much, but the large white bandage on my forehead was impossible to hide.

I think you should change the second ‘but the’ so you are not repeating it, maybe ‘despite the’ and leave out ‘was impossible to hide’ on the end of this sentence. Either that or leave out the ‘But’ at the beginning of the sentence

I started walking through the field towards the school building, but I stopped, I saw the bench in the distance. This had been the setting of my finding.

Instead of ‘but I stopped’, I’d maybe say something like ‘but then stopped’ or ‘but suddenly stopped’. I think ‘I saw the bench in the distance’ would sound more dramatic as a sentence on its own too ‘This had been the setting of my finding’ sounded a bit odd to me, maybe something like ‘This had been where I had been found’.

I was found here, lying on the bench 100meters away from me.

I think ‘here’ should be ‘there’ as you are talking about it in the past. If you do change the previous sentence, so you are not repeating 'found' here, I think it would work fine as just 'I was there' as the reader will already know what you are talking about

I was early to form so there weren’t many people there, they all stared.

I’d maybe add ‘still those that were’ instead of ‘they’ or something like that to connect it to the previous part of this sentence.

thankfully my friends would be slightly normal.

I think you could phrase this better, instead of ‘slightly normal’ maybe something about treating her normally would fit.

Kathy never was a fan of Oliver but why would she feel sorry for him.

I think ’but’ might sound better as ‘so’ here and I’d maybe add a question mark on the end.

“Even though he didn’t really know you like we did and he wasn’t family but it hit him really hard, I think he blames himself… you know, cause it. It happened after school that day…”

I’d exchange the ‘but’ for a comma here as you are already saying ‘even though’ so you don’t need it. I didn’t really understand ‘you know, cause it.’ If you mean he thinks he was the cause of it, I’d maybe add a bit more to the sentence like ‘you know, he thinks he’s the cause of it.’ just to make it clearer what you mean

I looked down at my lap. I didn’t want to look into their eyes; I was going to make them pay. Make them pay for what they did to me and everyone I care about.

At first I thought you were still referring to her friends when you talked about making them pay It’s because you change who you mean when you say ‘their’ and then ‘them’. I would change ‘make them pay’ to show who you are referring to, so maybe ‘make those who took me pay’

Were they waiting for me to breakdown and cry? Tell them about my 4 weeks.

I’d add a question mark on the end of the second sentence to fit in with the part before and maybe add a bit more to it so it makes more sense, maybe something like ‘To tell them all about my 4 weeks of hell?’

I knew that’s what they wanted, they wanted to be able to know so they can gossip about it and feel sorry for me, and didn’t they have anything better to do.

I think ‘can’ should be ‘could’ and I’m not sure about ‘feel sorry for me’ as that’s not really that bad- maybe ‘pity me’ as that’s a bit more insulting. I’d maybe change the ‘and’ before ‘didn’t they’ to ‘as if’ and perhaps the comma before it would be better as a dash.

She looked up, her hair was a mess, Ms. Longley was always organized and well, not a mess.

I think you could add in somewhere about it being strange that she appeared how she did now, like after saying her hair was a mess ‘which was strange as Ms Longley’.

“Where do I sit?” She understood immediately.

I can’t really see how you can’t understand here I’d maybe change this to something else, perhaps commenting on how she is saying this or how the teachers expression changes.

She pointed to the front desk in the middle and there sitting on that desk was Oliver.

Is he sitting on the table? I didn’t think he was so if he isn’t I’d say ‘behind that desk’ instead of ‘on’, if he is sitting on it then I would mention that later on as well

He had never really noticed me before, now that I’m some helpless victim, everyone likes me.

I wouldn’t say that they liked her, more that they were interested in her or wanted to know everything about her. I’d maybe add ‘but’ before ‘now that’ and as again you are talking about a previous event, I think ‘I’m’ should be ‘I was’.

I just looked at him, my mouth hanging open, so my theory was right and Kathy and Eva were right.

The repetition of right sounded a bit odd here, I’d maybe rephrase this to something like ‘So my theory was right and so were Kathy and Eva.’ I think it should be a separate sentence from ‘my mouth hanging open’ too- I will write more on commas and things at the end

I proved my point as I looked around at the crowd gathering. I started dragging Kathy away. I had biology next.

It isn’t really her proving the point, so maybe ‘my point was proven by the crowd gathering around us.’ or something like that. I think you could join the last two sentence as they sound a bit awkward and might flow easier together. Perhaps something like ‘I started dragging Kathy away to our biology class.’

I didn’t need her to answer me, because of course it had. I must have been the gossip for the first week or so, and I was now.

The last sentence sounded a bit strange to me, I think you could reword it a bit. Maybe something similar to ‘I must have been the hot topic of conversation for the first week after I had left, just as I was now that I was back.’ so that you are specifying about what first week you are referring to and adding a bit more to it.

I didn’t realise that I was making a scene till I looked around me and a crowd had gathered. They all looked at me like I was a mental case.

You have already spoken about a crowd gathering and I don’t know if it works well for the same thing to repeat it self so close to one another, perhaps as the previous one was not as important you could change it to be about people just looking at them weirdly and then have more of a crowding thing going on here. I think you could add ’saw that’ before ’a crowd had gathered’ and I think it would work well here to describe their expressions instead of saying that they looked at her like she was a mental case. You could perhaps say about how their faces looked then go on to her thinking that they must all think she was crazy.

I looked around at people, they were all just staring.

I’d add more to ‘people’, perhaps ‘I looked around at the people surrounding me’ I think the comma here might work better as a dash as well

The crowd was getting bigger, I recognised all the faces, and I saw Oliver, Becky, Gina, Sam and pretty much anyone who was in a class nearby. I guess this was the opportunity I was looking for.

I think the first sentence doesn’t run very well, I’d work on rewriting it. Here’s an example- ‘The crowd was getting bigger. I could recognise all their faces- Oliver, Becky, Gina, Sam and pretty much anyone who had a class nearby.’

Overall: I like where the story is going! Even though I know what happens next I think you managed to describe her panic really well here, great job! OK my overall is a bit long here so brace yourself…

I am kind of picky when it comes to repetition of words, and I found there were some words that you used quite a lot throughout your work that could be replaced with more descriptive ones to reveal more information on the action you are talking about and stop yourself from repeating it. I decided to just mention it here now so you can look back through and change whatever you think would be good to rather than pick them all out The main words that kept cropping up were- ‘looked/look/looking’, which can easily be exchanged to something like ‘glance/glare/scanned/focused/searched/gazed’ and probably quite a few more, all depending upon the context it is used in The other words I spotted were ‘walking/walked/walk’, ‘stopped/stop’ and ‘sit/sat/seat’ (I won’t bother offering alternatives as I’m sure you get the idea).

The other words that annoy me (yes I get annoyed kind of easily by words ) are ones that offer no detail to how something is done. They serve a place sometimes, but if used often or when it would be much more helpful to the reader to know how something is done, I think they are better replaced. The main ones for me are ‘put’, ‘placed’, ‘got’ and ‘went’. I noticed them a few times in your work so if you did want to change some it might add to the story

With punctuation I am not so good so I don’t really want to try to explain stuff then realise I am wrong myself I do think you have quite a few mistakes there in using commas and full stops where the other should be used. The story itself is great, it’s just the way the sentences are written in terms of punctuation that makes it more confusing. Here is an article that explains all about punctuation in compound sentences-
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And here’s one on commas-
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In the knowledge base there is loads of information on this sort of thing

I agree with Lucy in terms of separating speech onto separate lines- otherwise it does get really confusing! And also in terms of repeating ‘I’, I think she did a good explanation there

Right, sorry about all of that. Now I can get onto the actual story (which I love by the way ) I think you have kept things interesting so far and all mysterious, the way you ended was also great in terms of keeping the reader wanting to read more! I think you have structured it pretty well, all I could really think would be that a bit more detail to each scene would be nice as it tends to go by quite quickly. The running part especially, a bit more when she stops and on the thoughts going through her mind might be good. Outside of the classroom when Oliver confronts her, I think you could add more too, focusing more on how Oliver appears. You manage to get across well how each character is feeling, but maybe some more description on their expression would help- instead of saying how they looked, like in agony’, describing how they looked so- their eyes wide and pleading, skin pale with dark circles, biting their lip, details like that

I think I have rambled on long enough now, all my comments are just suggestions so ignore me if you like! Hope I’ve helped and I look forward to reading more! *star*

this is very compelling. I haven't read any of your other work but I like your writing style. Most of the fiction I have found in YWS is crammed with extraneous figurative language, glossy metaphors etc, I love your straightforward approach, it shows maturity and stands very well as a story alone so I look foward to catching up on the other chapters. Most the criticism is minor nit-picky things that can be fixed up easily so work throught it again and iron out the few creases.