Perfection Correction

Whisper it
Say it
Scream it
Repeat it
I’ll never be it

Perfect.

Starve yourself
Cut yourself
Burn yourself
Gag yourself
I’ll always be it

Damaged.

Tried it
Done it
Succeeded it
Overcome it
You’ll always seem to

Hate me.

I really liked this! I think it gets your feelings across really well, and it flows nicely.

You could so make this into a song! I would listen to it haha

But one suggestion I have to make is maybe you should put some punctuation in it, just maybe. It would keep the reader from getting confused, but then again, it's kinda hard to get confused on this type of poem. And it looks cool without it, anyways. Haha

Either way, you have talent! Good job!

Ps: yea, sorry this review was kinda pointless haha

XoXo~AsH

This flows perfectly, and you build up nicely to an effective climax. I'd cut the "it"s before "perfect" and"damaged", as you don't really need them. The form is very good:the isolated words are powerful, and this is a nice touch.

For the sake of experimentation, I'd play around with imagery, and try showing rather than telling. If you need inspiration, Ann Dean, Elizabeth Bishop, Patrick Kavanagh, T.S.Eliot and Seamus Heaney, for example, are all excellent at description. Around this site, Suzanne, Kitty15, biancarayne and Incandesence, off the top of my head, are also extremely talented at it. Reading other poets will show you some of the different ways that you can do things.


Hope this helps.

Jas

wow. just wow! This poem is just great. I think many people could relate to this. That feeling of never able to succeed, or never being accepted, or not being able to accept one's self. I am very interested in seeing your other works.

Great! Like the style, sparse but effective. Every single word carries it's due weight.

Only issue is the last two lines:

You’ll always seem to

Hate me.

I like the separation of the "hate me," but the rhythm and flow of ideas that went so well in the previous sections felt hung-up here.

The last line changes the established pace and meaning of the poem well ,but perhaps a bit too quickly and drastically. Having a final "turn" in the poem is great, but somehow make it subconsciously more subtle or blended. Devlop the shock of the final line/turn, don't make it too abrupt.

Again, good poem.

it sounded like something off of an emo song's chorus.
it was that catchy.
Prolly not the best you got so far, but it's stuck like Glue Gun on my head now.
Your fault:)

xx

I really liked this, it's poweful and heartfelt. I agree that you should remove the it's before perfection and damaged, then it flows better and fits in better
I'll never be perfect
I'll always be damaged
You'll always seem to hate me

It sounds better like that in my opinion. Apart from that, excellrent.

-Roo