sadness (completely rewritten)

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Peanut here! Lets review;

It, it, it, it, it... I would try to think of an original beginning for some of them... any of them!
Also;

bursts,leaving

put a space in there!

basically, this poem is very short, and is a bit skeletal... no meat on the bones! I like some of your description, example;

It pushes behind our eyes until our strong dam bursts,leaving warm and salty emotions running down our cheeks.

I wrote something that I posted that had a sentence almost exactly like this... and I love this one!

Yet, it needs a bit more... try expanding and not just telling us what sadness does, but try showing us some examples, or using your 5 senses in there somewhere.

Otherwise, I liked this poem. It had feeling... sadness ! No, I'm not laughing at your poem.

If I was harsh, I'm sorry. I just said what I thought would be best.

[spoiler]5/10 ... I bet you could have done much better.[/spoiler]

Hi kamasgirl! How you doing? I'm Kat, and I'm going to be your reviewer, if I may.
So, on to it!

First, the nit picks:

it simmers at the bottom of our souls until it gets a chance to spread like a disease.

Comma between souls and until and between spread and like.

It surges upwards reaching to every nook and cranny of our bodies, burning like a wildfire.

Comma between upwards and reaching. I think it sounds better without the 'to'. Loved the last part.

It pushes behind our eyes until our strong dam bursts,leaving warm and salty emotions running down our cheeks.

Comma between eyes and until. Space between the comma and leaving. I loved the subtle description of tears.

Your poem was nice to read, but a bit difficult, because of lack of flow.
Oh my, how can I fix it, Kat?
Well, break down some lines. Try to keep the same length and syllables at every line.

That's about it!
Feel free to PM me if you need anything
*Kat*

You use some very good imagery here. I especially loved;
"it simmers at the bottom of our souls until it gets a chance to spread like a disease"- it was a powerful and original image. Maybe try replacing some of the "it"s with commas, and then put an "and" instead of "it" before "pushes". This will just lend a bit of variety.

As an exercise, I think it would be interesting to try a narrative poem about the effects of sadness; maybe describe what makes you sad, and how you react, in little ways, not just crying.

I hope this helps.

Jas

Completely rewritten! Checked it out!

Hiya Kat! I'm here (as requested)! Ooh, fellow poet? I adore thee! Aaanywayz, on to the review.

Imagery - Darling, one of the most important things about poetry is making me feel like I'm there. Now, the first stanza simply doesn't make sense to me.

Hiya! Figured I'd choose this poem since it didn't have any critiques on it. ^_^

The burning sensation that scorched my insides with a wildfire
The icy cold clarity of what my heart unfolded to my mind.
My thoughts, as dark and menacing as the clouds above me.
Both threating to flood every corner with cold drops.

Interesting stanza, but I feel that the mention of flooding contradicts the mention of wildfire. Although you do have a rather smooth transition between all three concepts. Very nice work there.

Also, I find "both" is a little misplaced here. Since, to me, the first three lines each have their own ideas. I would replace "both" with "all" so that doesn't happen.

The lines on their own, though, are very nicely crafted. Beautiful imagery!

This was all to much, the searing pain was too much.
I stopped in my tracks and my knees gave out.
The cold and bitter pavement bit through my skin hungrily.
I lay on there as my surroundings threatened to swallow me whole.

~ I find the first line here a bit repetitive, although it gives a nice effect. I'm not saying to jump on that line to change it, I'm just pointing out you might want to re-work it. ^_^

~ I would rework the second line to get rid of the "and." I feel it would give the poem more punch. ^_^

~ Line three was amazing. I loved it and could feel everything.

~ I would delete "on" from line four.

I stayed on that cold, bitter pavement that was eating me away.
My heart release a whole new round of fires that ate me even more savagely.
The dams in the sky broke, sending the first drops earthbound.
They hit my face gently, mingling with every tear I've ever cried for you

~ In line one, I would replace "that" in front of "cold" with "the," but that's up to you.

~ "Release" should be "released" in line two.

~ The last two lines were beautiful.

Flow: I quite liked the flow here. The line-length wasn't jarring and things weren't too repetitive. You've created some very good structures for lines and stanzas, and you've tied everything in well.

Word-choice: I feel that your word-choice wasn't as strong as it could have been. "Flood" at the beginning seemed to contradict the mention of fire, and some pronouns were slightly out of place. Most of your word choices, however, were done well.

Imagery: I quiet enjoyed the imagery here. The pavement in particular was well-described. The first stanza was very rich with imagery, but I did find it somewhat contradictory with the fire and flood. The individual ideas, though, were well presented and very vivid in my mind and body. (I felt the cold pavement from this description. It was very well done. ^_^)

Overall: I enjoyed this poem a lot! The ideas were clear and there was just enough information to have me feel this poem, and the end lines were just stunning. I'd look at that first stanza again and alter the fire and flood mention a bit (I'd alter the flood mention, actually, since the fire in here is well-placed) so that this poem is a bit less confusing.

Nice work!

Questions? Drop me a line.

~Rosey

Hey guys!
Thanks for the review Rosie but I need more before I can edit
thanks!
(hope everyone enjoys this and no I am not depressed)
Teehee
K A M A S

Comments and suggestions will be in orange, corrections in red.

Sadness.This would work better as a completely separate stanza. It gives it more emphasis.

The burning sensation trite; be more descriptive that scorched my insides like a wildfire
The icy cold clarity of what my heart is? unfolded to my mind. [color]I don't like how this flows. I think you can be more concise and vivid.

My thoughts, as dark and menacing as the clouds above me. Nice comparison.
Both threatening to flood every corner of what? with cold drops.

This was all too much-- the searing pain was too much. I dislike the second "too much" as it is far too redundant. It's at the same time too close and too far to the other "too much" to work repetitively.
I stopped in my tracks and my knees gave out.
The cold and bitter pavement bit through my skin [s]hungrily[/s]. The adverb weakens this line, I think.
I lay on there on where? as my surroundings threatened to swallow me whole.

I stayed on that cold, bitter pavement though/as it ate me away. Cold and bitter pavement is also a bit redundant.
My heart released a whole new round of fires that ate me even more savagely. I really don't like this line. It's much longer than it could be, the imagery isn't particularly creative, and you use a comparison to eating for the third (fourth?) time while using a form of the word "eat."
The dams in the sky broke, sending the first drops earthbound.
They hit my face gently, mingling with every tear I've ever cried for you.

Overall, I think you could greatly benefit from using more vivid and varied words. For instance, "consumed" instead of "ate," or "halted" instead of "stopped." This will give your writing more oomph without the ickiness of wordiness. Basically, take advantage of the thesaurus. :D Just be sure to pay close attention to the denotations and connotations of each word, and don't use too many unusual or vivid words else they'll lose their effectiveness.

Also, consider using more creative imagery such as the comparison you drew between thoughts and the appearance of the clouds. Imagery is very important in poetry and they are usually what makes or breaks one. :D

Hi Kamas!

The burning sensation that scorched my insides with a wildfire
The icy cold clarity of what my heart unfolded to my mind.

First of all, this isn’t a sentence. The burning sensation that… did what? The icy cold clarity was… what? You don’t complete the thought.
I like the contrast between ‘wildfire’ and ‘icy cold’. You could bring that out a little more; even if you just changed it to “with a wildfire, / but the icy cold clarity…”

My thoughts, as dark and menacing as the clouds above me.

Another fragment. What about your thoughts? Your thoughts are as dark and menacing etc.?
Fragments have there place in poetry at times. In this poem you have four fragments, and four fragments too many. Understand the rules before you experiment with breaking them.

Both threating to flood every corner with cold drops.

Again a fragment. And a typo. =)

This first stanza is so jumbled, and the lack of a predicate in any of your ‘sentences’ takes away at least half of the meaning these lines might otherwise convey.

This was all to much, the searing pain was too much.

The repetition is too much. Despite the flowery language and abstract ideas that are attributed to poetry, it is also necessary to be concise. And unlike with prose, every single word must be essential, to both the content of the poem and the rhythm. The beginning of this sentence does make the line the necessary length; but it’s superfluous to the content.

I stopped in my tracks and my knees gave out.

You could express this in a more tangible way, something that reflects the distress more. For instance, ‘collapsed’ is stronger than “gave out.”

The cold and bitter pavement bit through my skin hungrily

This is a good line. Strong words like this, descriptions like this, help us to see it, or feel it.
That’s something I would suggest having more of in this poem, using all five senses. In that area this poem is a little flat; and it’s not something you’re going to find in every poem, but I think it would be an very effective device for this particular piece.

I lay on there as my surroundings threatened to swallow me whole.

Cut out “on”. Also “swallow” is a commonly used word in that description. Again, you could convey more desperation than you do. Instead of talking about the action of swallowing, talk about the results.

I stayed on that cold, bitter pavement that was eating me away.

Don’t use the same words to describe it twice. You’re also using the same metaphor twice; ‘eating/swallowing’.

My heart release a whole new round of fires that ate me even more savagely.

You can continue a metaphor and develop it further, but this doesn’t do that. This tells us nothing new. It’s superfluous. And, you’re telling us this, but how does it feel? How does it smell? How does it look? What are the affects of those fires?

The dams in the sky broke, sending the first drops earthbound.

Dams in the sky broke: not an unheard of picture. Maybe try to find something all your own.

They hit my face gently, mingling with every tear I've ever cried for you

Also cliché, rain mingling with tears.

There’s my thoughts for you. Good luck.

_Nam

Sadness.
The burning sensation that scorched my insides with a wildfire
The icy cold clarity of what my heart unfolded to my mind.
My thoughts, as dark and menacing as the clouds above me.
Both threating to flood every corner with cold drops.

What amazing imagery you have in this poem. its so picture like I could run a movie through my mind. The emotion is there and it sets any ones heart on fire (ah my own inagery) But very cool that you have done this. It is very different than the other poems I have read of yours.

This was all to much, the searing pain was too much.

This line needs rewrote I think because too much is repeated and makes the flow awkward and not there. You could say some thing like The searing pain was all too much, or what ever you seem fit.

I lay [s]on[/s] there as my surroundings threatened to swallow me whole.

On should be eliminated

My heart release a whole new round of fires that ate me even more savagely.

my heart released

Over All:
Wow, i liked this alot. The imagery was awesome! It was a very different poem than the others you have written and in fact i think this is the best from you that i have read.

Great job and thanks for requesting a review

-Tiffany

i'll tell you this..i cried.
there are very few poems that make me cry like i cried for this one.
i honestly just felt the emotion coming from this it made my stomach turn and gave me chills.
but i say all of this is the most positive way possible

i love how you kept incorporating the act of eating and swallowing up the main character in your poem. it really emphisized the saddness he/she was going through.

i also liked the ending. bringing in the rain really painted a picture for me...and how you said the rain was mingling with your tears. to me this is such a contradiction...mingling is a mostly positive thing and what you are describing is much less than positive.

i love it. what more can i say.?
simply amazing.