Untitled ch 3 part 1

Chapter 3:
I rolled over in my bed to face my alarm clock. 7:45 it shone back at me in bright green numbers. I didn’t want to go to school. Last night I felt a bit better when Nick stayed for tea. He helped me forget all about what happened. (Not completely though)
The lights flicked on in my room, and mums head popped around the corner of my door. Her dark brown hair was neatly pulled back into a bun high on her head, clips in to catch any stray strands. She hadn’t put her make up on yet. She insisted that she had to but I thought that she looked fine without make up.
“Aughhhh…Mum!” I groaned as I pulled the covers up over my head.
“Come on; get up honey, time for school.” She said as she jumped on my bed pulling my covers of me.
“No! I don’t want to go.” I actually dreaded going.
She just laughed and walked out of the room with a little bounce in her step. How could she laugh? It’s so not funny! I still hadn’t told her about what happened. If I had she would ring the school then I would be called a nark. I would never live it down.
I could sort it out by myself… I think.
I reluctantly pulled the blankets down of me so I could get out of bed. When I stood up my head started to spin. I fell back down onto my bed with a thump. I stayed still for a bit then slowly started to get up again.
I walked out into the light of the kitchen; I blinked a couple of time so I could see. The light in the kitchen was still on even though the sun was streaming through the window. The breakfast stuff was out everywhere and there was crumbs all over the bench from the toaster.
“Good morning, sleepy head.” A familiar voice said.
I turned to look from where the voice had come from, to see Nick sitting on the couch searching through the channels like it was his house.
“Nick?” I said a little confused. I suddenly felt embarrassed like I should hide my 3 quarter pink fluffy jammies.
“Wow! Don’t get to excited.’ He laughed.
I smiled and started to walk towards him, he had his school uniform on his hair was spiked up again and his school bag was leaning against the chair, next to him unzipped and I could see all his books piled inside.
“Hey.” He said as I walked closer. I noticed his smile was bigger than usual and it showed a dimple on his right cheek. “Nice pyjamas.”
“Hey, Thanks.” I replied, as I felt my face go red. “What are you doing here?”
“I don’t know. I thought you might need a protector and someone to walk to school with.” He said, as he let out a long deep laugh. His eyes scrunched up when he laughed.
“Aughhhhh.” I moaned.
“Wow! A simple no would have been okay.” He said as his smile faded replaced with a frown. He looked really hurt suddenly I felt guilty I had to say something quick.
“No…” I laughed as I sat down on the side of his seat. “I mean I don’t want to go to school.”
“Oh! Don’t worry it wont be as bad as yesterday.” He said, as he searched past a music channel on the TV. The soft sweet harmony of Taylor Swift’s new song Love story came on. “Rubbish.” I heard him mumble as he changed the channel. I laughed.
“How do you know?” I said not convinced.
“Because it’s never as bad the second day just trust me. Okay?” he said, looking at me the way he did yesterday. I blushed and looked away.
“I’m hoping in the shower.” I said, as I got up and started to walk slowly to the bathroom.
“Okay.” He said as his gaze fell upon the TV again.

“So… what’s first period?” Nick asked raising his voice as a truck drove past sending leaves everywhere.
“Um… I think its maths or English I’m not really sure.” I said, as I picked a leaf out of my hair that had been blown in by the truck.
“Hope it’s not maths I hate Mr. Crocostery,” he said with a moan. “Now boys and girls settle down, time to get started.” He said in a perfect impertation of his girly voice.
This made me burst into laughter, making people that had walked past turn and look.
“See… that’s the smile and laughter I’ve missed.” He said giving me a little nudge with his elbow.
I rolled my eyes and continued walking down the long street towards school. We walked quietly for a while. I kicked a rock a couple of times till I kicked it hard and it went on the road. Every so often I would look out of the corner of my eye and see Nick staring at me; it made me a little self-conscious.
“Why are you looking at me?” I asked, after about five minutes.
“I don’t know… I’m trying to see the girl I saw yesterday. Sad, unhappy, destroyed looking. I can’t see her! Instead I see Hilary Happy!”He said as he grabbed my hand and weaved his fingers in mine.
I blushed a little; it was a bit cheesy but sweet. “That unhappy sad girl is long gone!” I think.
“That’s the attitude.” He said, with a smile that showed his dimple.
We walked around the last corner of quietness, and towards the loud courtyards of school. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“Ready?” he said, making it sound like I was about to do a world marathon, instead of walking into school.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” I replied as we walked into the rusty school gates.
“We walked slowly hand in hand towards the office to see what are first glass was. People were running all around us waving and saying hi to Nick, then running away, or continuing a game of basketball or rugby.
“Everyone’s ignoring me.: I said, not sure if I should be sad or happy.
“Yea… is that a good thing?” He looked at me curiously.
“I don’t know…maybe.” I replied.
We carried on walking towards the office quietly, apart from the occasional hi to Nick.
We finally got to the office. I was glad we were getting away from everyone, it was worse being ignored. But my stomach dropped down to my ankles when I went to open the office door.
“Nick, Hi…how’s thing?” Monica said flirtatiously, as she broke between us leaving me holding nothing but air.
“Umm…I’m good thanks, you?” he said as he nervously looked over at me.
“Great! Now that you’re here.” She said as she linked arms with him and started pulling him away. My mouth fell open and I saw so did Nicks as he was being pulled away. I had mixed emotions first angry, furious even, towards Monica for taking Nick, but the towards Nick for going. Suddenly I felt jealous then annoyed the finally sad. All in a split second. It came fast I felt the tears prick the corner of my eyes but I held them back. My throat tightened. I pulled the office door open to find out what my next class was.

Well, I'm not sure what the title should be from this excerpt-I'd need to have a plot synopsis to make some suggestions.

This is a good beginning. I like the element of mystery-it gets the reader wondering what it was that happened. What was it that made Hilary sad, unhappy and destroyed? Hilary's upset feelings in the last paragraph are very convincingly written.

The relationship between Hilary and Nick seems too perfect for a relationship between two teenagers. There isn't any tension, awkwardness, confusion or embarrassment. I'd want to see more of that to make it more realistic. Also, what does Hilary's mum think of Nick coming over that morning?

Overall, this is a promising beginning. It could be a very good piece with some more detail during the dialogue.

Hey =]

I'm really sorry that it's taken me this long to get around to reviewign this, but I've had a bit of a crappy week

Nit-piks first;

7:45 it shone back at me in bright green numbers. - Either take out the 'it' or split this into two; '7:45. It shone back at me in bright green numbers.'

Last night I felt a bit better when Nick stayed for tea. He helped me forget all about what happened. - As this is about the night before, it should be in past tense; 'Last night I'd felt a bit better when Nick had stayed for tea. He had helped me to forget all about what had happened.'

and mums head popped - 'mum's'

She insisted that she had to but I thought that she looked fine without make up. - I'd change 'make-up' to 'it' as you've already said 'make-up' in the previous sentence so the reader will already know that you are referring to make-up in this sentence.

She said as she jumped on my bed pulling my covers of me. - 'She said as she jumped on my bed, pulling the covers off of me.'

How could she laugh? It’s so not funny! - Thoughts should be in italics.

what happened. - 'what had happened.'

If I had she would ring the school then I would be called a nark. - This sentence reads awkwardly and lacks punctuation. 'If I had then she would ring the school and I'd be called a nark.'

down of me so - 'off of'

When I stood up my head started to spin. - Comma after 'up'

of time so I could see. - 'of times so that I could see.'

there was crumbs - 'was' should be 'were' - personal opinion though.

I turned to look from where the voice had come from - This sentence reads awkwardly. 'I turned to search for where the voice had come from.'

3 - 'three'

get to excited - 'too'

I smiled and started to walk towards him, he had his school uniform on his hair was spiked up again and his school bag was leaning against the chair, next to him unzipped and I could see all his books piled inside. - 'I smiled and started to walk towards him. He had his hair spiked up again and his school bag lay unzipped at his feet with all of his books piled inside.'

“Hey, Thanks.” - 'thanks'

He looked really hurt suddenly I felt guilty I had to say something quick. - 'He looked really hurt and I felt guilty. I had to say something quickly.'

Don’t worry it wont be as bad as yesterday. - 'Don't worry, it won't be as bad as yesterday.'

The soft sweet - Comma after 'soft'

I said not convinced. - Comma after 'said' and I think that unconvinced would sound better than 'not convinced.'

“Because it’s never as bad the second day just trust me - Comma after 'day'

looking at me the way he did yesterday. - Explain more about the look. Did it comfort her or make her feel embarrassed?

I’m hoping - 'hopping'

Nick asked raising - Comma after 'said'

“Um… I think its maths or English I’m not really sure.” - Full stop after 'English'

“Hope it’s not maths I hate Mr. Crocostery - Full stop after 'maths'

This made me burst into laughter, - I think 'This made me burst out laughing' would sound better.

He said giving - Comma after 'said'

walked into the rusty school gates - Change 'into' to 'through' as 'into' makes it sound as if they literally walked into the gates.

first glass - 'class'?

“Everyone’s ignoring me.: - : should be "

I had mixed emotions first angry, furious even, towards Monica for taking Nick, but the towards Nick for going. - 'I had mixed emotions. First I was angry, furious even, at Monica for taking Nick, but I was also angry at Nick for going with her.'

Suddenly I felt jealous then annoyed the finally sad. - 'Then the anger switched to jealousy, then irritation and then I was finally left feeling sad and alone.' - A suggestion.

All in a split second. - If you re-arrange the above couple of sentences, then you can nix this sentence.

It came fast I felt the tears prick the corner of my eyes but I held them back. - Add in 'and' after 'fast'

Overall;

You have an interesting story here. I still feel sorry for Hilary and I think Monica is nasty!
I would suggest reading back over your work aloud before posting it as this way you can spot the mistakes you miss whilst reading it through in your head.
Add in more emotion! The snippets of emotion that you have written have been brilliant. More emotion will make your characters more believable and realistic too.

So, I hope this has helped you and again...sorry for the wait.

PM me if you need more help in the future

xDudettex