My very weird poem ( slightly adult)

This is my weird poem, I posted it because I only just wrote it. I think it's ok


My banana
My banana is not yellow.
It is grey, shrivelled and cold.
Clutching it in my pocket, I feel the sweat seeping into its pores.
People surround me, their faces blurring into one.
They aren’t following me; it’s my own subconscious, having its evil way with me.
A young woman approaches; she smiles and walks on, so carefree.
She doesn’t know my pain.
I take out my banana and shoot.
She falls, and is still.
I gasp with realization, before I turn to walk away.
The bullet I used,
Was my last one.

Oh, why oh why did you ask me to critique poetry!

First of all, a warning. I suck at poetry, and any comments, suggestions, or tips can be thrown away quite easily. I am absolutely no expert on this. I am looking at this with an essayist's mindset. These are just opinions.

With that said... let's begin!

The first thing I noticed was you started out simplistic. "My banana is not yellow." Beautifully simplistic, if you are trying to go for that stuff. But, since it begins so simplistically, the reader thinks the poem is going to be simplistic all the way through.

Oh, that doesn't make sense. >< Let me try to explain...

Whenever you write something, be it for a story or a poem, it's good to keep a consistant approach to your writing. Though the poem may flucuate in theme, it's better to keep the voice of the poem (i.e. how it's written) constant. So if you say "My banana is not yellow" the next line would probably be like: "It's gray, shriveled, cold." And the next line? "I clutch it in my pocket/My sweat seeping into its pores."

I put the slash in there to indicate a new line, by the way.

The first line isn't changed too dramatically (yet). But the next line... why would I do that? What's wrong with "Clutching it in my pocket, I feel the sweat seeping into its pores." It might be a little long for one line in a poem, but really, why would I change it?

Because of the simple mood you set up in the first two lines. You made it sound simplistic, which I applaud and honor you for. I like simplicity. However, you got to make sure that you keep the voice constant. When you first started out, you were in the active tense. Instead of saying, "Yellow it is not" you have a defiant, blatant, "My banana is not yellow." And I like it a lot. But if you want to continue the forcefulness of the piece, be active. "I clutch it in my pocket" sounds much more defiant and lends the poem a certain amount of recklessness, which might be nice for this piece.

Also, some lines are too long. Genrally, the shorter, or at least the more structured a line is, the better it is. It keeps the reader's eye from wandering. So that was why I broke up those two lines.

And then... word choice!

Banana was fine. For some reason, that was cool imagery. But there were other words that just didn't lend itself. For example, how can a gun be shriveled? At first, when I read that, I thought it was a yucky rotten banana that had turned gray. Ew! Instead of saying shriveled, which doesn't seem to lend well with the whole shotgun approach, I would suggest a different adjective.

And then there's the word "pores." Why do you need it? Once again, it doesn't seem right and isn't the best symbolism for a gun. They do have rough patches on it, true enough. They don't want you losing your grip. But even so... not pores.

And, perhaps this is just the storyteller in me that is protesting -- I bet many poets would disagree with me -- but I don't think the character is really developed. You learn that he has a gun in his pocket. You learn that he is surrounded by people. But you never know about his pain. Because of this, you never realize why he even decides to shoot the woman in the first place. It seems to be a nonsequitar for me.

It might be better, not for the narrator of the poem to shoot her, but rather watch the woman as she lies on the floor dead. That way, it doesn't seem completely unexpected and the readers will be able to relate with the narrator more.

Okay... don't get the feeling that I hate this poem. I like the simplistic lines the best. Just fix up the poem, and I'm sure everything will be okay.

Hmm. Why a banana?

This poem is tough to classify. It doesn't belong in the stream of consciousness, or beat, or post-modernist, or deconstructionalist. Nice work.

Hmmm. Interesting... I'm not that goot at critiquing things, but I need my parctice.. I hope you don't mind.


My banana
My banana is not yellow.
It is grey, shrivelled and cold.

If its a gun, how can it be shrivled?

People surround me, their faces blurring into one.
They aren’t following me; it’s my own subconscious, having its evil way with me.

Ooh! Nice description!

A young woman approaches; she smiles and walks on, so carefree.
She doesn’t know my pain.
I take out my banana and shoot.
She falls, and is still.

The shooting is a little sudden, but works really well. First its all emotional, then suddanly turns brisk, without a transition.

I gasp with realization, before I turn to walk away.

I like how ths sounds, but I think it might flow better if you lost to walk, and just had

I gasp with realization, before I turn away.

I don't know though. Thats just me.

The bullet I used,
Was my last one.

Ooh! Haunting!
I like it!

Thanks for tolarating my novice critiquing skills!

Hah, I like how you refer to the gun as a 'banana'. That actually took me by supprise .

Thank- you all for the comments, good or bad I'm glad you gave me your honest opinions.
I actually don't particulary like this poem, It came to me while I was at the PC I just thought gun... banana. The other day my friend pulled one on me like she was James Bond. I laughed of course but then I thought why don't I use this metaphor to write a poem, one where you only find it out till the last line? The weird thing is that I hate writing poetry, and that the other peice of creative writing, called memories, in my opinion is much better. What can I say? Most of you seemed to like it!



Thank you everyone who comments!