Mystic

Hey, feel free to tear this apart, it's just something I randomly wrote.

Lily watched as her best friend Logan scribbled something on a small piece of paper, and hastily passed it to her. She looked up to make sure the teacher was not watching before writing down her answer. Mr Johnson was in the middle of a speech about world recession. Not even a horde of stampeding wild horses could interrupt him now.
The rest of the class had noticed this, and were busy making paper aeroplanes, passing notes of their own, and basically not listening to a word that was being said by the large man at the very front of the class. She slumped onto her desk, waiting for this lesson to finish so that she could go home. Time seemed to purposely slow down, but finally the shrill sound of the bell was heard, and the class stampeded out of the room.
“When is he ever going to realise that we don’t care about the government and the recession?” Logan asked, talking about their teacher, who was slowly walking out of the class room behind them. Lily laughed at this and shrugged, wondering the same herself. Together, they walked out of the emptying school, and made plans for later that day. Finally, they reached the car park.
“I’ll meet you later at the cinema then. Don’t forget popcorn money,” he teased, “I won’t let you share mine this time.”
“It was one time! Come on, I paid you back by buying you a soda the week after,” she pushed him playfully, and hugged him goodbye. They had to part ways here as he had to catch the bus and she walked it. She set off, waving to different friends and teachers as she passed them. After a few minutes of walking, she found herself in the park, taking a shortcut home. Sitting a few yards away from her, she saw a young man, looking at her oddly. A lock of black hair fell into his face, and he continued to stare at her as he moved into from in front of his eyes. Picking up her pace, she walked on, avoiding his gaze. Finally she was out of the park, and she forgot about the young man.
The alley she usually walked through was occupied this time. A young man dressed in black was perched on a garbage can at the end of it. Not wanting to pass right by him, she cautiously turned round, ready to take the long way to get home. Right behind her was the man she had seen in the park. His face bore a triumphant expression, a smile playing on his lips. Her heart missed a beat, and she backed away from him, panic welling up inside her.
She spun round, thinking she’d rather take her chances with the other man.
However, he had already grabbed her hand and pulled her towards him.
“I’ve been waiting a long time for this,” he said, his voice had a musical and calm air to it, “finally, I’ve caught a mystic.”
“I think y-you’re mistaken, I’m not a mys-mytic,” she stammered, her heart beating faster than it had ever done before. He simply laughed, amusement clear in his eyes.
“You have no clue do you?” he asked, “all the easier for me then,”
With that, he snapped his fingers, and the man behind her grabbed her. He placed a damp cloth over her mouth and nose and she immediately smelt chloroform. Before she could so much as struggle, she fainted, falling into the man’s arms.

Ohh, lovely concept here Mimi.

Lily watched as her best friend Logan scribbled something on a small piece of paper, and hastily passed it to her.

Methinks this would sound better is "and" was "then," and you deleted the comma after "paper."

Not even a horde of stampeding wild horses could interrupt him now.

Haha! Nice characterization here.

She slumped onto her desk,

Since you just spent a lot of time talking about Mr. Johnson, I would replace "she" with "Lily."

Logan asked, talking about their teacher, who was slowly walking out of the class room behind them.

I find this tag rather long and broken up with commas. If you were to delete the comma after "asked" it would be better, I think. Or even put a mention about how Logan had to talk quietly because the teacher was just walking out of class behind them.

playfully, and hugged him goodbye.

~ I would delete this comma.

~ I think "and" would sound better as "then."

They had to part ways here as he had to catch the bus and she walked it.

What is "it" here? I'm thinking she has to walk home, but that is unclear. Say she walked home please. ^_^

After a few minutes of walking, she found herself in the park, taking a shortcut home.

The commas here, although grammatically correct, break up the sentence I find. I would delete one, or rework this sentence so it's not so broken up.

she saw a young man, looking at her oddly.

I would delete this comma.

A young man dressed in black was perched on a garbage can at the end of it.

I find "of it" drags down the sentence. You could delete it.

calm air to it, “finally, I’ve

I would replace this comma at the end of the tag with a period.

he asked, “all the easier for me then,”

~ Same nit-pick as above.

~Period at the end of the dialogue.

**

Commas: You use a few to many here. They break up the sentence, and in a lot of cases are grammatically correct. Still, they aren't needed. Read this over and see if you like pauses where all your commas are. If you do and you meant for it to sound that way, then leave them. If you don't like the pauses, delete the comma. Here is an article to check out.

Pronouns: I realize that your MC is the only girl in here, but please put her proper name in more often. That way, we won't forget what her name is. Other then that, you're pretty good with using pronouns.

Characters: I'd like a bit more characterization on Lily. How does she feel about the classroom? Her classmates? Logan? Maybe have her reflect on the past day, think a bit more about the situation(s) at hand (boring school day, the men, ect), so that we get a better understanding of what goes on in her head.

Lily's relationship with Logan is also unclear. You say he's her best friend, but the hug and the movie night made me think they were dating, or close. Reason I would like more of her feelings on him.

Description: I'd like a bit more description here too! ^_^ The park especially, and the alley, could use some. Use choice words to give readers the creeps. For example, when describing the young man's gaze, say it was cold/hard/scrutinizing and we get a clearer picture. It also gives more of a setting, which we like.

Overall: The comma thing got to me for this section. All those commas made it a bit hard to understand in some places. I liked the idea though, so please keep it up!

Questions? Drop me a line.

~Rosey

"The rest of the class had noticed this, and were busy making paper aeroplanes, passing notes of their own, and basically not listening to a word that was being said by the large man at the very front of the class."

I think this would sound better if you rephrased it to say "The rest of the class had noticed this, and were busy passing notes of their own, paying no attention to the large man at the front of the class."
Just by giving one example of how your characters aren't paying attention, you don't really need more to give us the impression that the teacher is REALLY boring.

“It was one time! Come on, I paid you back by buying you a soda the week after,” she pushed him playfully, and hugged him goodbye.

Congratulations! You've just identified one of the best ways to categorize a relationship between characters. It adds to the story to know that Logan and Lily are that close.

I think this was well-written, readable and professional. I really liked the line "we don't care about the government or the recession". It tells it like it is, it's unabashed and blunt, and it reveals Logan's character. It's also politically incorrect-writing is an art, and should be politically incorrect!

I also like the way Lily and Logan's friendship is shown, rather than told. The cliffhanger ending is a good effect.

Will you be continuing this? It certainly shows a lot of promise.

Hey Mimi

Allow me to be your reviewer for today. Let's see what we can do with the piece, then.

mimimac wrote:Lily watched as her best friend Logan scribbled something on a small piece of paper, and hastily passed it to her.

While I think that the concept that drives this first sentence is pretty intriguing, and works as a hook. I can't help but feel that you could have done more with the concept. Essentially, I think that some of the information that you give us now is unimportant to us at this stage. If you saved this information for later in the piece, you could grip us tighter into your story. I don't think we need to know that Logan is Lily's best friend at this stage. You can tell us later if you feel the need to do so, though. As for the fact that she was watching Logan scrawl it, you should try to stress this. Make us wonder what it is about the letter that makes Lily so curious to see the response, if this is important. If not, perhaps find something a little more connected to the plot to start with.

She looked up to make sure the teacher was not watching before writing down her answer.

Try, "She scrawled down her response after a brief check that revealed that the teacher was not looking at her." You might also want to tell us what was in the note, and what her response was. Especially if it was something interesting.

Mr Johnson was in the middle of a speech about world recession. Not even a horde of stampeding wild horses could interrupt him now.

Great!

The rest of the class had noticed this, and were busy making paper aeroplanes, passing notes of their own, and basically not listening to a word that was being said by the large man at the very front of the class.

This line is fairly long and drawn out. Try dividing it up into several sentences, and focusing more on key points.

She slumped onto her desk, waiting for this lesson to finish so that she could go home.

I would change the "this" to a "the". Also, while you have told us what she did, you have not really told us how she did it. Try adding some adjectives such as "slumped restlessly", "waiting anxiously" or use other words to achieve the same effect.

Time seemed to purposely slow down, but finally the shrill sound of the bell was heard, and the class stampeded out of the room.

You just used the word stampede above, albeit as a noun. I think you should try charged or another verb.

“When is he ever going to realise that we don’t care about the government and the recession?” Logan asked, talking about their teacher, who was slowly walking out of the class room behind them.

You don't need to tell us that he was talking about their teacher. We know that, and it is pretty disruptive. Also, she didn't really "ask" this. She more "said" it.

Lily laughed at this and shrugged, wondering the same herself.

Try, "Lily laughed before shrugging. She had been wondering the same thought herself.

Together, they walked out of the emptying school, and made plans for later that day. Finally, they reached the car park.

We're not really getting anything aside from what they did. We don't really care about what they did as much as we do about who they actually are. We want to know your characters. Give us a little more to work with.

“I’ll meet you later at the cinema then. Don’t forget popcorn money,” he teased, “I won’t let you share mine this time.”
“It was one time! Come on, I paid you back by buying you a soda the week after,” she pushed him playfully, and hugged him goodbye.

This gives us a little more about their characters. A lot better. One tip though. When writing dialogue, try saying it out loud. Can you imagine your characters saying this naturally? While I don't think yours was too bad, I do think that there are bits you could add to more accurately convey their characters.

They had to part ways here as he had to catch the bus and she walked it.

This seems trivial. Don't tell it to us unless we truly need to know it.

waving to different friends and teachers as she passed them.

Once again, this seems trivial and vague. Unless you are going to refer to specifics, like which teachers, we will not usually be interested.

After a few minutes of walking, she found herself in the park, taking a shortcut home.

Try, "She turned into the park. Her house lay just on the other side." Notice the brevity of the sentences. You are about to account an episode that is meant to make our hearts beat faster. Set the scene with short sentences, and build up to the moment. Freak us out!

Sitting a few yards away from her, she saw a young man, looking at her oddly.

Try, "A young man sat a few yards away from her. He was staring at her with an odd expression painted across his face."

A lock of black hair fell into his face, and he continued to stare at her as he moved into from in front of his eyes.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by, "into from in front of his eyes". I would try rephrasing this.

Picking up her pace, she walked on, avoiding his gaze. Finally she was out of the park, and she forgot about the young man.

Try, "A shiver ran through her spine. She increased her pace suddenly nervous. The usually vibrant park was almost deserted, and she felt suddenly alone. Hurriedly, she strode to the edge of the road just outside of the park."

The alley she usually walked through was occupied this time.

Try, "The usually empty alley at the opposite edge of the park seemed to hold an edge of malice.

A young man dressed in black was perched on a garbage can at the end of it.

Try, "She froze. Standing on the edge of a garbage can was a person in pure black garb.

Not wanting to pass right by him, she cautiously turned round, ready to take the long way to get home.

Turned around.

Right behind her was the man she had seen in the park. His face bore a triumphant expression, a smile playing on his lips. Her heart missed a beat, and she backed away from him, panic welling up inside her.

This seems a little abrupt. Try, "Her heart skipped a beat. He stood behind her. The same queer man who had sat in the park. A lunatic smile was plastered to his face. She backed backed away."

However, he had already grabbed her hand and pulled her towards him.

Show us these tense moments vividly rather than merely narrating them. Try, "Then, she felt her arm wrenched back. She stumbled, and found herself pulled involuntarily to the man."

“I’ve been waiting a long time for this,” he said, his voice had a musical and calm air to it, “finally, I’ve caught a mystic.”

Great. Just a little grammar correction. Period after "said" and "it". Also capitalize "Finally."

"I think y-you’re mistaken, I’m not a mys-mytic,” she stammered, her heart beating faster than it had ever done before. He simply laughed, amusement clear in his eyes.

You don't need to use those dashes. Telling us she stammered is effective enough. Also, try "Her heart beating faster than ever."

“You have no clue do you?” he asked, “all the easier for me then,”

Period.

With that, he snapped his fingers, and the man behind her grabbed her. He placed a damp cloth over her mouth and nose and she immediately smelt chloroform. Before she could so much as struggle, she fainted, falling into the man’s arms.

You smelt metal, she smelled chloroform.

Overall:
Characters: I don't think you've done badly, but I believe you could do better. Make your characters more vivid by giving action as it comes rather than merely narrating that it occurred.

Description: This is what needs the most work. You want to draw your reader into the story, and this is usually done by describing the events vividly, and making us care.

Plot: Great! I really like the idea.

Exposition: This needs a little bit of work. You need to work out what purpose each part of your story is going to serve. Tell us things that are relevant in greater detail as we need them rather than telling us irrelevant things.

Prose: You write fairly nicely, you should just try getting more personal with the story and characters. Also try avoiding repetition.

Random thoughts: This has great potential, and I'd like to see what you can do with it. With a little work, It'll be great.

Have a good one!

Hey Mia!

It actually didn't take me as long to get to reviewing this as I thought it would.

So...Rosey and yrclever seem to have picked out all of the nit-piks that I would have pointed out to you, so I won't bother to repeat them.

Are you going to continue this? I really hope that you do as I think you have a great concept for a story here

I really want to know what a mystic is and if Lily is lying about the fact that she is one or if she really has no clue.

I loved the way you described the alleyway and the two men. It was really creepy!

I liked how you portrayed the relationship between Lily and Logan too. I could really imagine them having been friends for ages.

Well...I suppose this review has been slightly pointless, but I felt that I needed to review this for you as you always do such brilliant reviews for me.

Good job on this and I hope you continue it.

If you do, can you please PM me when you post the next part?

Thanks,

xDudettex

Hey Mia! Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

Mr Johnson was in the middle of a speech about world recession.

Maybe it's just my history class, but we get interested in this...

Hehe. Okay, no nitpicks... not that the others haven't picked up, anyway.

II. YOUNG MEN! OH NOES!

^^ Above is the reaction that an old woman might have to young men sitting in parks and on dumpsters. Teenage girls? Not so much.

Think about it. You're walking through a park. A walk in the park, literally. You see a man. Are you going to think he's a bit weird for looking at you? Possibly. But aren't you also going to be thinking "Ooh! He's checking me out!"

III. CHARACTERISATION

You don't give us a particularly clear insight to Lily and Logan. I'd like to know more about them. Lily's family life? Female friends? Other peers? What are they like in school -social standing? Do they always go to the cinema? More about them- just a little, and you're set.

IV. OVERALL

Interesting ending, I enjoyed it

Hope I helped, and feel free to drop me a line if you need anything!

-Stella x

I really liked this

I feel like I'm involved in the story and I really do like your main character.

Most people have pointed out the less positive things about your picece so I won't bother commenting on them as well.

In my opinion, youcould do with maybe decribing happenings and people a bit more becasue your story doesn't have an awful amount of descriptive language in it.

Overall I can't point out many bad things about this piece at all. Probably because it's so good! I love your writing style and technique! You've created some interesting and extremely likeable characters.

I hope that you write some more!

Keep writing!

Meg x-x