Whispers In Silence

It's quiet here.
I don't like the silence.
Where there's no sound there's no life.
I'm tired...
Of singing to myself,
Finding comfort in my own words
And endlessly drying my own tears.


Every butterfly of hope,
Every whisper of a dream come true
Is torn away.
Snatched on a foreign wind,
Taking a part of me with it every time.
How long before there's nothing left?

I'm still listening
Even though I can't see it
I know it's there, waiting...
For me? For the right time?
I know, with every jerk of my heart, I know
Something, no, someone has what I need.
In their hands, in their hearts are the pieces of me

I hear a voice
Faint, just on the horizon
It sings softly to itself
A sweet lullaby that draws me
Closer on every word, because
Although these words are not mine
They are.

Two flames to one fire
When all hope fled had gone
Two hearts true desire
To live, love and cherish as one

This was a very nice poem. I liked the imagery at the end. This piece flowed very well--the language was consistent in its tone and the lines consistent in their form.

There were a couple of things that took me out of the poem, though. The first was the "..." you inserted every now and then. If you just replaced those with commas or periods it would be much better.

Also, this line ended very abruptly:
"Although these words are not mine
They are."
If you expanded on the last line, maybe something like "they are my song" or "they are my voice", it wouldn't disrupt the flow so much.

The final issue I had was the line "two flames to one fire" It seems to me that a flame is basically a fire. I would change flame to cinder or spark, or something along those lines.

Overall, I enjoyed this! I'm looking forward to reading more from you.

Hiya!

I thought that this poem was really nice and enjoyable, with some good imagery. It also flowed pretty well.

However, I do agree with CK Lynn about the "two flames to one fire" issue, and also, in the same stanza -

"Two hearts true desire"

I think it would be better if you put a comma between 'two hearts' and 'true desire.'


Well, that's all I can point out. Other than that, it was a good poem. I'm looking forward to more!

Keep writing! ^^

i love the poem. i love the way you made it so that the reader could imagine but couldn't quite grasp the actual meaning unless you were the author. thats how i feel about it. especially in the last stanza. it was beautiful how that was the only stanza that rhymed compared to the others.

a main thing that was probably a little off was also the last stanza, even thought it was rhyming, the last 2 lines, it seemed, didnt really go with the first 2. Almost as if you wanted it to be like a strong impact but it didn't get completed.

other than that little confusion. i like it.

It's quiet here.
I don't like the silence.
Where there's no sound there's no life.
I'm tired...
Of singing to myself,
Finding comfort in my own words
And endlessly drying my own tears.

This stanza seems sort of flat- lined... a flat- line story (stanza in this case), is a dead story (stanza in this case)!

Every butterfly of hope,
Every whisper of a dream come true

I would change an 'every', to 'each', just so you don't repeat yourself.

I know, with every jerk of my heart, I know
Something, no, someone has what I need.

You have too many line interruptions... it seems to mess up the flow of the poem.

I hear a voice
Faint, just on the horizon

You could change this to;
I hear a voice,
Faint on the horizon

See? It sounds much more fluent

Two flames to one fire
When all hope fled had gone
Two hearts true desire
To live, love and cherish as one

<3
Love it!!!

All- in- all... a great poem! I liked it. Especially the last stanza, for it had the most description and poetic touch to it... mmm... I sure do love poetic touch

Hiya BloodStained! Evi here. I thought I'd take a look at your lovely poem. Hooray! You get my 150th review! ^^

It's quiet here.
I don't like the silence.
Where there's no sound [comma here] there's no life.
I'm tired...
Of singing to myself,
Finding comfort in my own words
And endlessly drying my own tears.

I really like this, actually! The words and imagery are very nicely chosen; I just have complaints about the actual sentence structure itself. See how each line is its own sentence here? That makes your poem seem choppier, and takes away that sense of rhythm and that smooth flow that you so depend on. I think you should connect some more of your sentences with commas and conjunctions (and, but, or) so that they're not so choppy. Perhaps?

Every butterfly of hope,
Every whisper of a dream come true
Is torn away.
Snatched on a foreign wind,
Taking a part of me with it every time.
How long before there's nothing left?

I love how you ended this on a question. It makes the stanza seem much more...subject to change? As if, all of these horrible things could possibly get worse and worse, or better and better. So, that's good, however

I'm still listening
Even though I can't see it
I know it's there, waiting...
For me? For the right time?
I know, with every jerk of my heart, I know
Something, no, someone has what I need.
In their hands, in their hearts are the pieces of me

Ellipses (the dot dot dot, or ...) tend to detract from the words and meaning of the poem. Here in the third line, I think you should come to a full stop through periods instead of the ellipses, which make it look a little amateurish. I'd also not feeling the repetition of 'I know' in the fifth line. However, I do like the last line of this stanza.

I hear a voice
Faint, just on the horizon
It sings softly to itself
A sweet lullaby that draws me
Closer on every word, because
Although these words are not mine
They are.

They are...what? Even though they aren't yours, they are yours? Ambiguous and abstract can be good, but it stops being good when you confuse your reader into thinking you forgot something. Try elaborating as to what exactly they are.

Also, I find it interesting that you mention the words, 'they', the voice, 'it', instead of the person behind the voice, the person forming the words. It's just an observation, and I quite like the feel of those pronouns; they're not personal. So, don't mind me. ^^ I like that.

Two flames to one fire
When all hope fled had gone
Two hearts true desire
To live, love and cherish as one

Hmm. I'm really not liking this ending, love, simply because it's so anti-climatic. You've built up this lovely scene about the absence of sound, about these nonexistant voices, about whispering-- but the very end mentions nothing about voices, or noise, or melodies, or songs, or whispering, or crying, or anything auditory. For this whole silence analogy to work, you have to carry it through the whole thing, and I don't think the ending does this poem justice. You go from words to flames and true desire. I didn't get anything about love, fire, or hearts the entire rest of the poem, yet here it is? This didn't seem like a love poem to me. It was more a poem of the discovery of sound, of finding oneself amidst the silence.

So, I hope this helps! I think you could mainly work on connecting the entire poem more through the mentioning of sound and everything sound-related. Your title is Whispers in Silence, after all. Keep that metaphor going, because it works. It's effective. And it wouldn't hurt you to throw in some more imagery. You tell us what this peron feels, and what they think about it, but what are they actually experiencing? The gentle brush of a quiet breeze, disappearing?

Good luck, love, and good job.

~Evi