The Other Realm, Chapter One. *Revised*

**As I said above this is a first draft. So please tell what you think and what I need to change. Thank you very much I hope you enjoy. I'll have chapter one up as soon as possible!!


*** Okay this is the revised "Prologue" which I turned into the first chapter. I decide that I will write that later when I know where the story is going. Thank you to all who reviewed you really helped me fix it up. I hope you enjoy the revised verison better.


Chapter One.


The room was dark, curtains were drawn and no candles had been lit. James Roth sat with his feet on the table, alone. He stood shaking his head, and he looked at his watch.
“12 minutes late.” He walked over to a desk, opened a drawer and pulled out a small box of matches.
“Let me help you with that,” said a female voice from the doorway.
James slowly turned around, to see Kade leaning against the door frame; he always thought she was beautiful with her sharp-featured face and bright orange hair. She was tall and slender, her violet eyes showed her confidence. Something about her was pleasant, but James had no interest. She may be physically appealing but she was a witch.
She tugged on her ear, all the candles in the room lit with a dark blue flame.
“Ah, that’s better.”
“Thanks, you saved me a lot of trouble.”
“Anytime, babe.”
“Kade, how many times do I have to tell you that I’m not interested?”
“Yeah, Kade,” said Aurora Ray tossing her long black hair in Kade’s face as she walked into the room, “when are you going to learn that he just doesn’t like red heads.” Aurora had always been James’ best friend. She had been there when his parents were murdered 76 years ago, she knew how to lighten the mood. With Elemental power of fire she was a strong one, always in control of her powers. It was no wonder James had chosen her as his first in command for the Clan of Switch. Aurora turned smirking, Kade’s hand shot out, and dark blue flames burst forward towards Aurora, she held up her hand just in time to catch the fire. She chuckled.
“When are you also going to learn that you can’t fight fire with fire?” Aurora shook her head.
Damian Reeves walked in the room tall and confident with his chocolate brown eyes and dark brown hair, with a wave of his hand the fire Aurora was holding went out. “Yeah you have to fight it with water or air.” He walked past all of them and sat down, at the far end of the table, Aurora followed. Damian had never been one for fun and games. He was the serious type, gifted with the Elemental power of air, Damian was kind of man you would want to lead you in a war, and he was James’ second in command.
James leaned on the desk waiting for the rest to arrive. Kade sat down across from Aurora who was playing with a small ball of purple fire.
Willow Rose and Rylan Rodes were next to arrive.
Willow shook her head, her choppy chin length black hair was just as messy as ever. There was laughter in her deep hazel eyes, even though the expression on her heart-shaped face was a serious one.
“Sorry we’re late,” she whispered “Some tracker demons caught up to us.” James nodded. Willow sat next to Aurora and Rylan next to her.
Rylan, what could James say about him, he had the annoying habit of disappearing when he was needed. He was gifted the Elemental power of Earth. He was calm but persistent, never rushing into things half-cocked, but always after some new bad guy, and he was James’ third in command.
The twins Noah and Noelle walked in just then. There were the spiting image of each other, both with springy blond curls and crystal clear blue eyes. They both inherited the Elemental power of Water from their mother, they never really knew her.
“I was swimming,” Noah said looking down and he walked over and sat next to Kade, he was hopelessly in love with her, but she could careless.
“I don’t want to talk about what happened to me.” Noelle mumbled she flipped her blond hair over her shoulder and sat down next to her twin brother who was flirting helplessly with Kade but she had her eyes on James who stood at the head of the table.
Everyone was silent.
“Thanks for finally making it.” James looked at his watch, “16 minutes late.”

He looked around. “I have your new charges assuming you all were able to switch last week’s charges.” Everyone nodded.
“Good. We have a light load this week, one for each of us.” He snapped his fingers and white folders fell, with a boom, on the table. Snapping again a white folder appeared in front of him.
“Who’s that?” Kade asked jealousy flashing in her violet eyes.
“A charge,” He replied stiffly.
“But why not let us see it first?” She demanded.
“Everyone else is picking out there files Kade, why don’t you?”
“Cause I want to know what’s so special about that charge!” She argued.
There was a long, silent pause.
“She is... she is ah, getting spirit.”
Everyone was now looking at James
“But there hasn’t been a new Spirit Elemental for over 60 years!” exclaimed Willow
He nodded flipping open the file, “Anyone going to Washington?”
“No, Florida” said Willow.
“Texas.” Damian shrugged.
“California baby!” shouted Noelle.
“I’ll be in Oregon,” Aurora sighed happily. “I love Oregon!!”
“Ahh, Maine,” whined Kade.
“Rylan?” asked James.
“Uh,” he flipped open his file. “I’ll be in Washington. Seattle, Washington.”
“Noah?”
“Georgia.” He replied.
James stood.
“Alright, I will see you all next week, call me if...”
“Uh, James?” said Damian “The power orbs?”
“Oh, right.” With a wave of his hand seven power orbs appeared in front of his companions, he snapped his fingers one orb appeared in front of him, he touched the orb absorbing its power. Everyone stood when they were finished.
“Let us go.” James walked to the door. “Kade, do me a favor and put out the candles.”
“Whatever.” With a flick of her wrist all the candles went out. She shut the office door on her way out, following the others down the hall leading to the exit.
They walked out the door into a lush field surrounded with beautiful trees and multi-colored flowers. The birds were chirping, the sun was shining through the tops of the trees and in the distance you could the roar of a waterfall.
“Let’s go Noah,” said Noelle “See you all later.”
Noelle stuck her hand out, fist balled, she open her hand then slowly raised her arm. A puddle of water appeared at her feet. She walked on the puddle, her body melting into the water, Noah followed.
They were gone.
With a flick of his wrist Damian dried up the puddle.
“We’ll see you later.” Willow told the remaining six clan members. She and Rylan ran, disappearing into the trees.
“Bye.” Said Kade with one last stabbing glare at Aurora she left, her entire body erupting in dark blue flames, a second later she was gone.
“Well I’ll see you two later.” said James cracking a smile.
“Wait,” Aurora began “Are you going to be okay? I mean the last Spirit Elemental was you brother and...”
James cut her off. “I’ll be fine really. I won’t kill this one, promise!” His moss green eyes were stone. He raked his hands through his dark brown hair. “I, ah... bye” Smoke engulfed him; he floated up then disappeared completely.
“I guess we better go.” Damian stated. “Don’t forget dinner with my father tonight.”
“I won’t,” said Aurora giving Damian a quick kiss on the cheek. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
She smiled “Bye!” Aurora took a step back then burst into flames the same way Kade had, only her flames were purple.
She was gone.
Damian shook his head, laughing he looked at his watch. “Oh crap.”
He blinked as a gust of wind carried him away, breaking him down into small particles, like pollen, until he blended in with the sky above.

Okay, I'll give this story its first critique!

Something about her was pleasant, but James had no interest, she may be physically appealing but she was a witch.

I feel like this should be two sentences. "Something about her was pleasant, but James had no interest. She may have been physically appealing, but she was a witch." I don't know, something of that nature. At the very least, you need a comma between "appealing" and "but".

She tugged on her ear, all the candles in the room lit with a dark blue flame.

You either need a "when" at the beginning of this sentence, or an "and" between "ear" and "all."

With Elemental power of fire, she was a strong one, always in control of her powers. It was no wonder James had chosen her as his first in command for the Clan of Switch. Aurora turned smirking; Kade’s hand shot out, and dark blue flames burst forward towards Aurora. The other (girl/woman/witch etc.) held up her hand just in time to catch the fire. She chuckled.

The punctuation is off in this segment. I put where I think it would be better, bolded. Just suggestions.

Damian Reeves walked in the room, tall and confident with his chocolate brown eyes and dark brown hair. With a wave of his hand, the fire Aurora was holding went out. “Yeah, you have to fight it with water or air.” He walked past all of them and sat down at the far end of the table.Aurora followed. Damian had never been one for fun and games. He was the serious type, gifted with the Elemental power of air. Damian was the kind of man you would want to lead you in a war, and he was James’ second in command.

Some more punctuation advice.

“Sorry were late,” she whispered “some tracker demons caught up to us.” James nodded. Willow sat next to Aurora and Rylan next to her.

Were should be "we're", "some" should be capitalized.

“I was swimming,” Noah said looking down and he walked over and sat next to Kade, he was hopelssly in love with her, but she could careless.

You missed an "e" in "hopelessly", and in your context, "careless" is "care less."

“Thanks for finally making it,” James looked at his watch, “16 minutes late.”

He looked around. “I have your new charges assuming you all were able to switch last week’s charges.” Everyone nodded.

These two paragraphs can be combined. The first dialog, "Thanks for finally making it" either needs a period at the end of it, since it is followed by an action, or a dash to indicate it's an unfinished thought. If you go the dash route, make sure to put one before "16 minutes late", too!

“But there hasn’t been a new Spirit Elemental for over 60 years.” Exclaimed Willow

it should be "But there hasn't been a new Spirit Elemental for over 60 years," exclaimed Willow. An exclamation mark would also be effective there.

“No, Florida” said Willow.
“Texas.” Damian shrugged.
“California baby!” shouted Noelle.
[...]
“Georgia.” He replied.

This list is sort of pointless. They could just all say, "No."

“Let us go.” James walked to the door “Kade do me a favor and put out the candles.

You missed a period after "door," a comma after "Kade," and the ending quotation mark.

General Critique: I feel like this scene is not effective as a first scene, at least without any editing. All it contains is vague information about a clan that the reader doesn't know anything about, other than the fact that it is apparently populated by elementals. While we don't need its inner workings immediately, it would be good to know - more or less - what it is.
I found your way of describing the character's hair and eye color as they entered every time a major turn off. It was repetitive and sounded like an RPG character sheet. Character's don't need to be described immediately. There's plenty of time to get to it. On the same note, there were a LOT of characters - too many all at once.
I would also work on the setting a little. I can't tell if it is modern or older times. For example, there is some formal dialog by some of the characters, yet Kade said babe/baby more than once. Everything is candlelit, but there are modern states and phone calls. It would be good to elaborate exactly what is up.
This scene can work, once some reworking has been done - I'm not sure if it should be the first thing the reader sees, though. Maybe focus on one character getting to their meeting, or James waiting for them to arrive? Getting in the character's heads a little more, I think, is something this needs.

On the upside of things, though, it looks like there is a lot of potential for drama between a group of so many men and women, which always makes a story great fun. The elements is a plot that has been done many times, but I imagine you are going to put your own spin on things - I'll have to check back and see what you come up with!

I hope this was helpful! Keep writing.

I agree with el Arma Escrita, the number of characters at the very beginning is overwhelming and somewhat confusing. I see that you wanted us to know a little about each and every one of them but since there were so many it just kinda got like "ay yiy yiy!". If you could have described each of them separately at a time in different scenes maybe and created a certain incident that went with how that person is, then it would have been a lot more easier to remember. for example:

“Yeah, Kade,” said Aurora Ray tossing her long black hair in Kade’s face as she walked into the room, “when are you going to learn that he just doesn’t like red heads.” Aurora had always been James’ best friend. She had been there when his parents were murdered 76 years ago, she knew how to lighten the mood. With Elemental power of fire she was a strong one, always in control of her powers. It was no wonder James had chosen her as his first in command for the Clan of Switch.

it feels as though you are telling us too much at one time, so maybe instead of writing all of that right after she enters the room, maybe you could have showed it after they all sat down and someone may have mentioned some way that she is "second in command" and then you could have elaborated after that. Sorry if I am sounding confusing, but I cant really explain it right. Do you get what I'm talking about? Because if ya don't, i'll totally understand! *sweat drop*

lol, anyway, besides that I absolutely love the idea and the characters. Each of them seem to have their own unique story and I cant wait to find out how this whole thing unravels. Like when they were discussing the files

“Cause I want to know what’s so special about that charge!” She argued.

There was a long, silent pause.

“She is... she is ah, getting spirit.”

Everyone was now looking at James

“But there hasn’t been a new Spirit Elemental for over 60 years!” exclaimed Willow

He nodded flipping open the file, “Anyone going to Washington?”

You don't come right out and tell us what "getting spirit" is after you introduce it, you leave that for later, and it gets the reader wondering and anticipating to learn what exactly "getting spirit" is. I AM WONDERING WHAT "GETTING SPIRIT IS"!!! haha, well, hope you continue writing!

Wow, as the other two said. Too many characters at once! Try intoducing one chacter, have a scene with them, then intoduce the other in another scene.

Otherwise, it looks like there will be some great drama! I could even see people pairing up. I also like you're plot, even though it has been done before, it never gets old (in my personal opinion.)

Thank you! You we're all very helpful. I going to try to take your advice! =]