Beginning of the Spenser ~ Laurence Trilogy

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 7
Chapter 1

I was being hunted. My heart raced wildly, threatening to break free from my chest as I ran at my full

speed through the forest. My throat ached with the amount of air I was forcing into my lungs, but I didn't pause

to think about the burning. I continued through the forest unguided by anything but my own need to get to safety

and to protect those who I loved. I dodged left to avoid a tree and ended up in a patch of vines. Their thorns

cutting easily through my skin leaving it raw. I broke free from the tangled mess and continued to run. Wincing

as the wind caused the cuts on my skin to burn but I willed my tired legs to go further, to press harder; to

escape.

I could feel rather than see the people pursing me through the dense trees. They were getting closer and I

had to stay ahead of them for a little while longer. I couldn't give up, I wouldn't give up. Not now. Not after

everything I had been through. The group was closing in and I was starting to panic. My mind was starting to shut

down when I heard it. The most beautiful sound in the world. His voice calling my name. I changed my direction

slightly towards the voice. The trees thinned out and I saw him standing at the edge of the forest, a shinning

beacon of hope. I almost cried at the sight of him.

"Rowan!" He yelled and I forced myself to concentrate. He started running towards me. "Rowan, behind

you!" I threw my head back to glance behind me and could see my attackers come out of the trees right on my

heels. There were five of them fast approaching me throwing their curses in my direction and in his. I was

overcome with sudden fear that he would get hurt.

"Turn around, go back," I yelled at him but either he didn't hear me or didn't listen to me because he

continued toward me. I watched as the bright red lights whizzed past me hitting nearby trees. The light burned

everything that it touched. It burned holes straight through the trunks of hundred year old trees. The light was

getting closer and closer to hitting it's mark; me. I ducked as I felt the heat of the light right behind me and

then it happened. It was like everything stood still. The girl to my left sent off a spark of light speeding towards

him. I was powerless to stop it. There was nothing I could do but watch in horror as the light hit him squarely in

the chest. He crumpled to the ground as a cry was ripped from my throat.

"No!" His body shook and trembled as the full effects of the curse took hold of his body. I could hear the

girls laughter behind me as I skidded to a stop beside him. He clutched at his chest where he had been hit and I

watched as his eyes glazed over with pain. I knew that he was dying.

My attackers surrounded me in a half circle, leaving me no escape. I stood up and whirled around to face

them.

"Hand over the amulet and we'll let you live," the woman who had ended my world said. I hated her more

than I hated any person. The man on the forest floor was the love of my life and she was responsible for taking

him from me. I could feel the anger rise within me and I let it flow through my body. The power started low in

my stomach but quickly spread like wildfire as I watched her and her smug smile. I touched the amulet she had

mentioned. The necklace. The necklace was made out of onyx, black as night cut into a perfect circle with a

blood-red ruby spiral that dropped down into the middle. "That's it, just hand it over." I looked up at her then,

dropping my hand from the necklace.

"No," I said quietly.

"Don't do this to yourself. He's already dead. No one can save you now. Give it to me and you live, don't

give it to me and I'll kill you. Either way, I get the amulet. It's your call." She stepped forward with her hand

outstretched. I heard a thudding in my ears but I attributed it to the adrenaline rush I was experiencing and

refocused on the woman in front of me. She could have no idea who I really was so I let her have a taste. The

power roll off of me in waves. All the emotions I was going through added to the power and changed the

atmosphere around us. I surprised them. I could see the fear and uncertainly in all of their eyes. They hadn't

been expecting this, they hadn't been expecting a fair fight; they hadn't been expecting me. They hadn't known

that I was ready for them. The thudding returned in my ears, louder this time, as I raised my arms. The power

pooled together as balls of light in my hands but before I could release my curse on them they disappeared along

with the forest and the dying man behind me.

I sat straight up in bed dripping in sweat, disoriented and unsure of where I was. It took me a full minute

to realize the thudding in my ears had been knocking at my door and as I looked around at the moving boxes

and piles of clothes in the dimly lit room I understood it had all be a dream. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I

had been holding trying to release the tension in my body. I dragged my body out of bed to answer the door

before my visitor woke up the entire neighborhood. I wrenched the door open to see my dad standing on the

other side looking concerned, or maybe a better word would be exasperated. A sudden fear gripped me as I went

through the reasons why my dad would be at my door in the middle of the night.
Last edited by Masala on Sun Apr 12, 2009 4:59 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Why should those who cannot create take upon themselves to estimate the value of creative work?"
~ Oscar Wilde




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1499
Reviews 104
Hello Masala!!!

Welcome to the site!!!! :D

Okay, first thing: You should only indent on the beginning of a paragraph. Not the whole thing. :wink:

Another thing: When a new person speaks you automatically start a new paragraph.

One last thing: You don't have to double space each each line, you know. :)

Okay a (wee) bit of Nitpicks!

the amount of air I was forcing into my lungs,[/i]

Maybe add more description. the huge amount of air I was forcing...

to protect those who I loved

Eck. A bit of cliche don't you think? Spice it up a bit. Make it your own words.

I broke free from the tangled mess and continued to run. Wincing

as the wind caused the cuts on my skin to burn but I willed my tired legs to go further, to press harder; to

I suggest you make this one sentence then add comma's after run and burn. Just a suggestion.

I could feel rather than see the people pursing me through the dense trees

Comma after feel.

stay ahead of them for a little while longer.

I think you should add a "just" before.

"Rowan!" He yelled

It should be :"Rowan!" he yelled

trees right on my

heels.

Comma after trees.

Sorry I got to go. I'll do the rest later!

~Storm
"You know when you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
~~~
Need a review?
One Stormy Review Coming Right Up!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 7
thanks for the review. I'm having trouble with the formatting. I didn't mean for it to be all indented and when I preview it it's not like that so I'm not sure what happen. Any suggestions? Thanks.
"Why should those who cannot create take upon themselves to estimate the value of creative work?"
~ Oscar Wilde




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1499
Reviews 104
Hello! Back again! :D

Hmmm. Well, I'm not sure. If you see it correctly in preview it should be the same... Did you copy and paste it or write it in the box?

Okay, back to the review!

There were five of them fast approaching me throwing their curses in my direction and in his. I was

Comma after them.

I watched as the bright red lights whizzed past me hitting nearby trees.

Comma after me.

"Turn around, go back," I yelled

Make the second comma into an exclamation mark.

"No!" His body shook

I wasn't sure if his was her or the dude. Maybe make that a bit clearer.

I could hear the

girls laughter

Girls should be girl's.

half circle, leaving me no escape.

If it's a half circle then it should leave room to escape. Right? :wink:


the woman who had ended my world said.

Er. Highly confusing. What do you mean "ended my world"? Are you talking about her killing the girls lover? Plus first you said "girls" which I thought you meant teenaged girls or young girls. But then you say woman. So... Confusing.

black as night cut into a

Comma after night.

I dragged my body out of bed to answer the door

before my visitor woke up the entire neighborhood. I wrenched the door open to see my dad standing on the

other side looking concerned, or maybe a better word would be exasperated. A sudden fear gripped me as I went

through the reasons why my dad would be at my door in the middle of the night.

Woah. This is all of a sudden very different. Very odd this part is. It seems very detached from the other part... But I suppose its okay. But maybe make the transition of waking up then seeing "dad" a little smoother, if you can.

That's it for the nitpicks!!! :D

Okay, grammer wise:
1) you are missing quite a lot of commas. Just reread it out loud and see where you need to take a breath. :)

2) Just reread it to brush out all the other mistakes...

Story wise:
1) Well, it was pretty good but perhaps put something to make it more interesting. Something to make it totally different from anything else. Because now its a tinny bit cliqued with the "the love of my life", "I wasn't what they were expecting", and "the dream" kinda thing. Just add some more of different. (Don't worry, it was still good. Lots of people like that kind of classic stories)

2) Your characters. We don't know hardly enough about them. We don't even know their names! I think you should do the dream part as a prologue and the rest as a start of a chapter 1. That way you can explain more in your chapter 1 and leave the prologue more mysterious.

3) Imagery!!! You should put more description and describe how she feels when the guy dies, etc.
Make the character a real person, with feelings, etc. That would help the story a lot.

Plot:
Well, I can't really do this since this is only chapter one. Sorry.

Okay! Hope this helps!
~Storm
"You know when you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
~~~
Need a review?
One Stormy Review Coming Right Up!



That smells like the inside of a tropical rainforest.
— Yoshikrab's friend