Diary Of A Teenage Disaster 3

April 16th, 12:58
Thursday

Boys. Something that every teenage girl has to put up with. Except for me. I haven't had a boyfriend in my entire life! Yes, you should all feel sorry for me. Claire has a boyfriend, although when I look at him part of me feels relieved that I don't. Talk about ugly. He's thirteen so he's a year younger than us as well. I bet if he found out about Claire's obsession with gummy bears he would break up with her. The reason I'm talking about boys is because Sophie called me earlier and started going on about this boy named Harry.
"Tory!" She exclaimed when I answered.
"Yes Sophie." I said.
"You will never guess what!" She squealed.
"What Soph?" I sighed. Sophie gets overexcited to easily.
"I was in the park and there were these gorgeous boys playing football by the fountain! One of them kicked the ball over to me and then he ran towards me to get the ball! The ball was by my feet so the boy asked me to pass it to him!" She continued.
"How exciting!" I answered sarcastically.
"I know! I picked the ball up and threw it to him. He said 'thanks' and then was staring at me! It was perfect. 'Harry, come on!' His friends called him. After that he ran back to them although he was still looking at me. It was like destiny." Sophie sighed heavily.
"Yes Sophie. Because if you throw a ball to someone it means that your meant to be together. I'm sure that it's destiny."
"Exactly!"
Sophie isn't the brightest girl in the world. No offence to her though.
She insisted that Claire, Sarah, Jade and I should come with her to see if they were still there.


1:14

I'm looking outside my window at the moment and I can see Mrs.Morris's devil cat in my front garden. I think that it's got some kind of mental illness. Can cats have mental illnesses? I'm not sure what it's doing. Oh my god! It's pissing on my mums flowers!


1:17

That cat has rabies! It'll soon start foaming at the mouth and attacking people. If I train that cat I could use it to attack all of the slags in my school! I bet Ashley Ackers wouldn't like that! I would love to see her fake blond hair covered in piss! Hahahahaha!


4:23

The heavens have opened! They've released the angel of hotness and put him in my neighbourhood. An angel with the name of Danny Poynter. The hard crew and I(My friends and I call our gang the hard crew, don't ask why because I'm not sure of the answer) went to the park to see if we could find the boys Sophie kept going on about. Sarah and I were by the fountain when the angel of hotness walked towards us with his natural blond hair, dark green eyes like a pair of glistening emeralds and the cutest dimples on his perfect cheeks. He wore a pair of dark denim jeans with a perfectly matching black and white checked shirt. Beside him was Harry. I stared at Danny in awe. I think that my mouth was hanging open as I stared but I couldn't help it when I was looking at an angel. Harry started talking to Sarah but I don't have a clue what he said. I was to busy staring at Danny.
"Harry!" I heard Sophie suddenly shout.
Harry turned to face Sophie who was running up behind us with Claire and Jade. They weren't with us because they'd been looking for the boys by the field. Sophie immediately started raving on about something to Harry. I don't think Sophie knows that there's such thing as being too keen. I don't think that Harry was listening to her. I know I wasn't.
"What's your name then?" I heard Danny suddenly say with his soft, perfect voice.
I froze. What was my name? I panicked. Jack! No that's my brother's name. Jade nudged me.
"Oh. It's Tory." I giggled nervously. "It's short for Victoria although I think that Victoria is a really bad name so everyone calls me Tory. My mum was in labour with me for like sixteen hours. When I came out my dad shouted victory because I had taken so long to pop out. They decided to call me Victoria because of that."
I am such an idiot. What boy wants to know about a woman in labour. Why? Oh why? Everyone laughed after I said that which was more than understandable. I didn't say a word to anyone after that. As we were leaving Danny said something to me.
"I like your hair." He smiled.
"Thanks." I answered surprised.
I then remembered about the incident that happened when I tied to cut my hair. I'd stupidly left my fringe down. It's official. I am going to live as a hermit. I'll make some trail mix so I won't have to come back to civilization to buy food. I'll find a cave in the middle of nowhere and live the rest of my life there. I might even take the cat with rabies with me so if any wild animal tries to eat me I'll be protected. That way I'll never be able to humiliate myself around boys any further.


7:11

Damn. I can't find any peanuts for my trail mix. I searched 'trail mix' on google and it said that it includes breakfast cereal. I put some coco pops in it. I'm not sure if that's right. Oh well. It says you've got to have coconut in trail mix. I don't have any coconut so I used bread crumbs instead. It's white bread so it looks like coconut.


8:00

I wonder what Danny's doing now? Being gorgeous probably.


10:36

Jack just spilt my trail mix all over my floor! I'll have to do it all over again now! I chased him out of my room while shaking Mr.Cool(my childhood teddy bear) violently at him. If I do end up training the cat with rabies, the first person I will get it to attack will be my brother. Mwahaha!

Hai!

Lol, this was quite funny and interesting. I like the rabid cat. I think you told a bit too much, when, as it's Tory's diary, she wouldn't need to tell that. Does that make sense? Like here:

I chased him out of my room while shaking Mr.Cool(my childhood teddy bear) violently at him.

"My childhood teddy bear" just seems a weird thing to mention in a diary entry. I'm not sure how you could change it, though. Maybe give it a different, more teddy-like name?

One of the main reasons I don't like stories told as letters or diary entries is the use of dialogue. Maybe some people remember dialogue and write it down verbatim, but it's not very realistic. I think you had just a bit too much dialogue in here. Have just a few simple exchanges and use indirect(?) speech for the rest. I think it would work better.

Otherwise, it was very good!

Brilliant! The cat with rabies really made me laugh, great idea The meeting with the boys is also very amusing, and your description of Danny is very good, I can picture him perfectly.
Once again I have some minor suggestions, *picky picky me*. So here goes:

First of all:
I would like you to specify the times a bit more. Is it one am or pm? Maybe you should write 13.14 etc. in stead, so that you won't confuse the reader.

Second of all:
You have stated in your title that the girl is writing a diary, and your previous entries confirm this. However, this time your MC seems to be talking to an audience, e.g:

Yes, you should all feel sorry for me

and

(My friends and I call our gang the hard crew, don't ask why because I'm not sure of the answer)

May I point out that the latter statement puzzled me. This is her diary, so why would she think it would ask a question? I suggest you write "That's what we decided to call our gang, although I have no idea/ I am not sure why."

And third of all:
I'm finding some of the "transmissions" a bit hard to swallow. I suggest that you divide this into two days. One where she talks about her friend and her meeting with "Harry", the rabies cat and the trail mix. And the next day, when she talks about the gorgeous David, and ONLY him.

Maybe if you say that the guys had already left when they all got to the park the first day and then make Sophie force everyone to go there again the next day, it would give the reader some time to breathe in between the days. In addition to this you'll give the MC a chance to change her mind about wanting a boyfriend.

I then remembered about the incident that happened when I tied to cut my hair. I'd stupidly left my fringe down. A very sudden transmission here, again. It's official. I am going to live as a hermit

Another suggestion:
I would like the meeting between Harry and Sophie to be more real. It seems unlikely that Harry would just shout out his own name as he was running away. Maybe instead of her throwing the ball to to him she should hold it and give it to him when he comes over. When he then says, "thanks", she could reply, "oh it was nothing" and smile. Then he could ask her for her name (makes her think that he is interested in her), and someone from the team could call out his name to make him hurry back. If he then shouts "see ya", she would definitely be thinking that he is very interested.

Some questions:
Why would Harry come over and start talking to Sarah? Do they know each other already? Why isn't Sophie there when it was her idea to see if the guys were still there, I would imagine that she'd be the first one there. Why doesn't Harry greet all of the girls? Davis is new, but it seems that Harry knows him, shouldn't he introduce him to the others? And if he doesn't know anyone there (besides Sophie who isn't there when they all meet), shouldn't he introduce himself as well? Why haven't the girls met those guys before? Do they live far away or go to another school?

Oh, and you should write what the trail mix tasted like (maybe in the next entry??). Because it sounded like it could be another funny disaster.

There are also a few tiny grammar mistakes but I'll let someone else handle those

These are just pointers to make the story a bit more realistic, of course you don't have to follow any of them

Otherwise, as always, I like the story very much and I look forward to the next entry

Dreaming x

Hey Megan =]

I'm back!

Nit-piks first;

Sophie gets overexcited to easily. - Maybe you could add in a bit of a memory here. Something about how she got overexcited when she found out that her and her latest celebrity crush have the same star sign. It's only a sggestion, but I think it would help back up her statement about Sophie and it'll also give a bit more background to Tory and her friends.

"I was in the park and there were these gorgeous boys playing football by the fountain! One of them kicked the ball over to me and then he ran towards me to get the ball! The ball was by my feet so the boy asked me to pass it to him!" She continued.
"How exciting!" I answered sarcastically.
"I know! I picked the ball up and threw it to him. He said 'thanks, my name's Harry by the way.' It was like destiny." Sophie sighed heavily. - I think that 'dreaming' has a good suggestion on how this could sound a bit better and a bit more realistic.

If I train that cat I could use it to attack all of the slags in my school! - I'd add a comma in after 'cat'

The hard crew and I(My friends and I call our gang the hard crew, don't ask why because I'm not sure of the answer) went to the park to see if we could find the boys Sophie kept going on about. - Again, I think that 'dreaming' has a good suggestion for this part too.

thing as being to keen. - 'to' should be 'too'

When I came out my dad shouted victory because I had taken so long to pop out. They decided to call me Victoria because of that." - I think these sentences read a little awkwardly. Maybe you could re-phrase them to something like; 'When I finally popped out, my dad shouted victory, so my mum and dad decided to name me Victoria.'

I didn't say a word to anyone after that. As we were leaving Danny said something to me. - 'I kept my mouth shut after that to save myself from blurting out anymore stupid stories. I thought I'd totally ruined my chances with the angel of hotness, but to my surprise, as we turned to leave, he spoke to me.' - Only a suggestion

so if any wild animal tries to eat me I'll be protected. - I'd add a comma after 'me'

That way I'll never be able to humiliate myself around boys any further. - I think 'again' would sound better than 'any further'

It says you've got to have coconut in trail mix. - I'd add 'too' after 'mix'

Overall;

I enjoyed reading this part and your MC still makes me laugh.

Can you PM me when you post the next part, please?

xDudettex

haha!!! love it!!! its sooooo funny!! i can totally relate to Tory! I love love love her dry humor!! The only thing is that i would like to know what Tory looks like as well as what Harry and Danny look like... it was really funny when Tory went on the rant about her mom in labor!! anyways it would be awesome if you PM ed me when the next chapter is up!!

Hey Meg!


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

"Yes, Sophie[s].[/s]?" I [s]said.[/s]asked. <---I think this works better.

"What[b], Soph?" I sighed. Sophie gets overexcited too easily. I agree with Dudette's suggestion about going into a little more detail with this.

Oh my [s]g[/s]God!

I would love to see her fake blond hair covered in piss! <---Great line. It really embodies teenage girls.

I froze. What was my name? I panicked. Jack! No that's my brother's name. Jade nudged me. <--- Good job.

I chased him out of my room while shaking [s]Mr.Cool(my childhood teddy bear)[/s]my childhood teddy bear, Mr. Cool, violently at him.

Writing Style & Language Usage: I liked this one! I think that the random entries that still kind of centered around one story worked well. Watch for any overuse of words, you've tended to do that in previous cases.


Description: I thought you could throw in some examples of things you note about certain characters, but other than that, it was pretty good.


Characters: I'd like a little more explanation. It seems as though a few of her friends came out of no where- especially Jade. Make sure the reader knows what is going on in the story, darling!


Plot & Storyline: I think this is going to kick of the rising action, no? If so, good beginning.

Perfect! I've been looking for something to read exactly like what you're writing.Your concept is awesome. Really can't find other words right now.

I can't really review your work right now because I am damn sleepy but I just had to read your story or I wouldn't forgive myself! But I don't think there are too many mistakes in this...you're doing a pretty good job.

Can you please PM me when you post another part of your story. I'd love to read more of this.

xoxo
TeenQueen!

Oh, wow, Danny sounds really handsome. haha. I love your humor its so funny.

Favorite part:

"I'm looking outside my window at the moment and I can see Mrs.Morris's devil cat in my front garden."

only to find out two minutes later...

"That cat has rabies! It'll soon start foaming at the mouth and attacking people."

ahahaha! oh my gosh, that one got me going.

I've seen the other people's reviews and I think they've basically covered all of the technicality. Some parts were confusing, like the Danny seen when Sopia suddenly pops out of nowhere. I had to read over it a few times. and then I agree with xdudettex on the revising of sentence structure at some points. overall B+ !

I love your story. The last line was the BEST :]
All I have to say is work on puncuation, and I agree with Wooster. Do you remember full dialogue in your head? I sure as hell don't.

Anyways, good story. Post some more soon!