Diary Of A Tenage Disaster 2

April 10th, 11:15
Friday

I need my haircut. My fringe is literally down to my chin. I look like one of those chubacka things from Star Wars. I asked mum when I could have it cut next, but her answer disappointed me.
"I don't know, a few weeks maybe?"She replied.
A few weeks! By then my fringe will be down to my knees! Imagine what kind of nicknames that would get me! From this day onwards, I'll probably be known as ape woman. Great. Now I'm going to look like a ghost with an overgrown fringe. I could just cut it myself.


11:47

Never try to cut your own hair!!!


11:51

I won't even be called ape woman anymore. I'll be called ape woman with a freakishly wonky fringe.(that's a bit long for a nickname though) I cannot go out in public like this! If anyone sees me they'll propbably call animal control. They'll have to lockme up in a cage and feed me carrots like an unwanted bunny rabbit. I don't even like carrots! I guess I'll have to start eating them from now on to prepare myself. I just got a call from Sophie asking me if I wanted to go to the fair. I said yes but that was before I made myself look like a complete idiot with bad hair. This is all mums fault. I should've gotten my hair cut weeks ago.


12:22

My brother just suddenly barged into my room like some kind of excited, and slightly deranged, puppy. I really need a lock on my door. An anti-emo one i possible. He wanted to show me a picture that one of his bebo friends drew of him. How sad is that?
He said, "isn't this drawing amazing!"
"It's lovely Jack." I answered in the kind of voice that you'd use when speaking to a four year old.
"I look amazing in it!" He bragged.
"I know, I'm surprised that they could fit your nose on the page considering it only just fits on your face." I smiled.
"Shut up Tory." He mumbled, leaving the room.
I love insulting him. He's on the phone at the moment to his girlfriend. I'm not sure which one though because he has a new one every week.


12:25

Damn it. Jack can't be gay. He's had too many girlfriends.


12:27

Unless he's trying to prove something to himself.


4:00 (or something like that)

It was great at the fair! I managed to avoid looking like a chubacka with a bad haircut by putting my fringe into a quiff. My fringe in a quiff looks quite good actually. Sophie, Sarah and I went on this ride called Dance. It kind of like spun you round clockwise, then anti-clockwise, then clockwise e.t.c. Sophie's face was so funny. She looked like a giant walking, talking kiwi fruit by the end! Claire couldn't go because it was her brother's birthday or something. I bet she was really just staying at home to eat her gummy bears. She has got a years supply of them after all. She's probably doing it as I speak. I wonder what would happen if gummy bears took over the world? Everyone would have to eat them so that they don't destroy civilization. I sound like a proper freak, don't I? It could happen though! You never know. I'm hungry so I'm going to get some toast.


4:16

I can't find a knife anywhere. I looked in the dishwasher and there must have been like twenty knives in there. The dishwasher is something the almighty could use as a torture chamber for me. It's full of knives, forks and other pointy metal things. Where can I find a knife? I know! I'll use a spoon instead.


4:28

Wow, that is so fun! You have to like scoop up the butter with the spoon and spread it across your toast(although my toast was slightly burnt) It's kind of hard though, because it's hard to actually get it out of the damn spoon. You have to shake it a bit. My advice though, don't shake it to hard otherwise you might get butter in some unwanted places. The ceiling for example. I've just realised that mum isn't home from work yet.


6:12

Ewwwww! Mum went to give blood after work.


6:24

Me and my brother agreed that it's disgusting. Wow. Jack and me agreed on something! It's funny because he said that when you give blood, what happens is there are these load of vampires that drink it. Then they piss it out so that they can give it to the needy people who don't have any blood. It would be so cool if that was true.


1:03

Mrs.Morris's cat is on my bed! The bloody thing just woke me up. I swear, if I had a shotgun that cat would be no more. I told the almighty about installing a flipping cat flap into our front door. This would normally be okay, but the fact that we don't even have a cat, makes it stupid. I wonder if all parents are like that? Well, that's my parents for you.
Stupid
Annoying
Don't understand my needs like catching tans, not looking like something from planet of the apes and having at least some kind of life!

Hey Megan =]

Wow - this was good timing. I only just reviewed the first part lol

So...nit-piks first;

chubacka things form Star Wars. - 'form' should be 'from'

I asked mum when I could have it cut next but her answer disappointed me. - Comma after 'next'

From this day onwards I'll probably be known as ape woman. - I'd add a comma after 'onwards'

NEVER TRY TO CUT YOUR OWN HAIR. - The all in caps kind of put me off. An exclamation mark at the end would work just as well.

I cannot go out in public like this! I just got a call from Sophie asking me if I wanted to go to the fair. - The transition between these two sentences is a bit sharp. Maybe add in a bit more info on how she won't be able to go out in public because she'll be laughed at by everyone. You could even go as far as making her say that she'll have to go into exile and live alone in a cave like a hermit until her fringe grows out. Only a suggestion though

An ani-emo one i possible. - I think you mean - 'An anti-emo one if possible.'

He said "Isn't this drawing amazing!" - There should be a comma after 'said' and 'Isn't' should be 'isn't'

He's had to many girlfriends - 'to' should be 'too'

It looks quite good actually. - As this paragraph is mostly past tense, I think 'looks' should be 'looked' I not 100% sure though

She's probably doing it as I speak(or type considering I'm typing at the moment) - I'd get rid of everything in this sentence after 'speak'

I wonder what would happen if gummy bears took over the world. - Question mark after 'world'

I sound like a proper freak don't I. - I'd add a comma after 'freak' Also, I'm not sure if you should have a question mark after 'I'

It's kind of hard though because it doesn't tend to come out of the spoon. - Comma after 'though' Also, 'doesn't tend to' sounds a bit awkward. I'd re-phrase it to something like; 'it tends to get stuck to the spoon' or 'it doesn't come off of the spoon.'

You have to shake it a bit. - Maybe you could add in how she got a lump of butter stuck to the wall when she shook the spoon, or something

It's funny because he said that when you give blood what happens is there are these load of vampires that drink your blood and then they piss it out so that they can give it to people who need it. - You're missing punctuation in this sentence and some parts of it read awkwardly. I'd maybe re-phrase it to something like; 'It's funny, because he said that when you give blood, there are these vampires that drink your blood and then they piss it out so it can be given to someone who needs it.'

This would normally be okay but the fact that we don't even have a cat makes it stupid. - Comma after 'okay' and 'cat'

Overall;

When the nit-piks that I've pointed out have been corrected, I think this will be a brilliant piece. Not that it's not good now - it just needs a little fixing up, that's all. There's not actually that many mistakes, so you did a great job there.

Your MC still makes me laugh and the problems that she has are very relatable, so it makes the whole piece easier and more enjoyable to read.

As I've said before, I'm interested in following this, so can you please PM me when you post the next part?

Thanks, and I hope that this review has been of some help to you

xDudettex

Hey, I think Dudette got most of the grammar problems and I agree with them all. This was very interesting and I want to keep reading. Your MC is very funny. Please, could you PM me when you post more? Thanks, and good work!

Hiya, White! Hey- don't be shy to tell me when you post more, girl!


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

I need my hair cut. <---Two words.

If anyone sees me they'll pro[s]p[/s]bably call animal control.(<---Cute line) They'll have to lock me (<---Two words) up in a cage and feed me carrots like an unwanted bunny rabbit.

This is all [s]mums[/s]Mum's fault.

He wanted to show me a picture that one of his [s]bebo[/s]Bebo friends drew of him.

He said, "[s]i[/s]Isn't this drawing amazing!"

She has [s]got[/s] a year's supply of them after all. She's probably doing it as I speak. I wonder what would happen if gummy bears took over the world? Everyone would have to eat them so that they [s]don't[/s]wouldn't destroy civilization.

You have to [s]like[/s] scoop up the butter with the spoon and spread it across your toast(although my toast was slightly burnt) It's kind of hard though, because it's hard to actually get it out of the damn spoon. You have to shake it a bit. My advice though, don't shake it too hard, or otherwise you might get butter in some unwanted places.

Language Usage & Writing Style: I thought this was pretty good, but at times you seemed to drag out the explanations. Perhaps make some things a little more brief so you don't lose the reader's interest.
I'm liking the journal entry thing, by the way!


Narrator: I thought she still has some wit and charm, but she started to lose a bit of edge. I don't know why. Make sure she stays in character at all times.


Plot/Storyline: This really doesn't have much of a normal plot, but I still like it. Try brainstorming about a climax that will really draw the reader in!


Overall Impressions: Overall, I'm liking this! Make sure the narrator stays in character and that you stay on topic (don't ramble on about random, out of the blue things- unless you can make it work with the character)! Keep up the good work!


Love,
Music

Argh, Music and Dudette covered it all!
Well, I will just support you.
This is really good! It has a comic side, and I can easily relate to this.
*Kat*

I'm always too late for corrections. This story is really well-written! I feel like I'm this girl, freaking about stupid hair (like most girls do). But, one question. What's a quiff? Maybe you should explain that for people who don't know what it is (like me).

Other than that, well done.

Hi,
Very good, again. I picked up on a few minor mistakes, but after reading the comments I realized that they were already covered.

Keep writing! This is an excellent story

Love,
N