‘They stole little Bridget
For seven years long;
When she came down again,
Her friends were all gone.’ –The Fairies, William Allingham



I


There were flames in my feet.

At least, that’s what it felt like. Dancing flames in my dancing feet, roaring and leaping, fed by the wind and the straw. Straw that slipped under me, pricked my toes; separate, stabbing little shards like the notes of the violin playing outside the cage.

The faces at the bars blurred. Identical faces, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, gawking at us as we danced before them. They were blank, empty; meaningless stage props against the background of old and dirty tent canvas.

The violin sang the last notes loud and sweet, letting them linger in the air before trailing away. Released from the music, I flopped down onto the straw-covered floor of the cage, my heart beating hard in my ears. The spectators at the bars continued to stare until Gaspard clapped his hands and shooed them out. ‘Go on, that’s it, all you get for your money, all you get for four pence…’ He stood at the tent door, ushering the audience out – a benevolent uncle on a family treat.

Kester and Anna sat down next to me, still panting. ‘I’m so tired,’ Anna said, leaning back in the straw and closing her eyes. ‘It seems like we’ve been dancing all afternoon.’

‘All day,’ I said.

The fiddler picked up his violin and went out, jingling today’s wages in his pocket.

‘Shut up, Phoebe,’ Gaspard said from the tent door.

‘Oh yes,’ I said, rubbing my forehead. ‘Sorry. I forgot. We’re supposed to be faery-kind, aren’t we? We dance all night around the faery-rings in the Hollow Hills.’

Gaspard stepped up to the cage. ‘Shut up, Phoebe. Shut up.’ He poked his stick through the bars of the cage and jabbed me in the side. I shut up.

Gaspard went outside. We could still hear him, though, rattling out his showman’s patter to the crowded fairground. ‘Come see the Faery Family! Faery Family! Family of three, all of ’em marked by the Queen of the Faeries! Come see the faery-mark!’

My hand crept up to touch the side of my neck. Sometimes I thought I could almost feel the mark on my neck – a reddish blotch that looked as though someone had stabbed me with a pink paintbrush. Not as though it had been made by the fingers of the Faery Queen, as Gaspard said.

‘Phoebe,’ Anna said, and I snatched my hand down again.

Kester huffed. ‘At least you’ve actually got a mark, Phoebe, and not one that’s been painted on. I know it helps the show and all, but…’

My eyes went to the marks on Anna’s and Kester’s necks, carefully painted on every morning by Gaspard. Only unlike my brother’s and sister’s, my mark couldn’t be washed off.

‘It’s a pity we’re not really faery-dancers,’ I said, shredding a straw between my fingers. ‘Then we could – oh, I don’t know,’ – greatly daring – ‘call up the Devil and turn Gaspard into a frog.’

Kester made the sign against evil. ‘Don’t say things like that.’

I bit my thumb. We sat in silence, listening to the noise of the fairground outside – Gaspard’s patter, the mountebanks advertising their amazing cure-alls, the crowds screaming at the toad-eater and cheering the tightrope walker. I heard a ballad-seller singing a song about the great fire that had all but destroyed London last year.

‘The second of September, at
the dismal hours ’twixt twelve and one;
At mid-night, up the fire got,
in Pudding Lane and brightly shone;
Our Engines all could do no good,
Till Ashes lay where London stood.’

Gaspard fell abruptly silent, and we looked at each other quizzically. Kester crept closer to the bars and listened. He shook his head. ‘I can’t hear anything.’

‘He’s talking to someone,’ Anna said.

‘All I can hear is that ballad-seller,’ I grumbled.

‘Oh come on,’ Anna said lightly. ‘Use those faery ears of yours.’

I gave her a shove. ‘I’m not meant to hear the conversations of lowly mortals such as these! Take me back to mine own Hollow Hills and I shall eavesdrop on the affairs of Nimue and Merlin themselves!’ I cast a disdainful glance at the tent door. ‘But spare me this, fair maiden, spare me the torture of listening to the vain babblings of a zany like Gaspard Rogers.’

Kester turned and grinned. ‘That’s it, Shakespeare. Lend us thy fair speeches.’

‘Idiot,’ Anna commented.

I clutched my chest. ‘Ah! More sharp to me than a thousand arrows are these words of scorn! Prithee, sweet sister mine, slay me now rather than torture me thus!’ I made as though to take her hand, but she rapped her knuckles on my head.

I fell back, playing dead, and Kester poked a straw up my nose. ‘Yield, churl!’

I flapped my hands at him pathetically. ‘Ah, ah, spare me, good sir.’ He jabbed the straw up even higher and I squeaked. ‘Ow, that hurt!’

‘Coward! Churl and traitor and treasonous, malodorous wretch!’

‘Ooh, no!’ I pushed him away, he shoved me back, and we had a brief rough-and-tumble in the straw, with Anna looking on in patronising neutrality.

Gaspard was still talking when we had finished. ‘Who is he talking to?’ Kester wondered.

‘Maybe it’s a girl,’ I said, picking straw out my tangled curls. ‘An apprentice Mistress Rogers.’

‘Who’d marry Gaspard?’ Anna said, so disrespectfully that I looked quickly towards the tent door to make sure he hadn’t heard her.

‘Maybe she likes his dancers,’ Kester suggested smugly.

‘Maybe she’s nice,’ I said. ‘Maybe she’s nice and pretty and she knows another job that Gaspard can have, so we won’t have to dance anymore, and she’ll marry Gaspard and we’ll all eat gingerbread and stew with dumplings for ever and ever, like in the stories – “And she married the man and they all lived happily ever after, with lots of good things to eat.”’

Anna shrugged. ‘I don’t think so.’

I stuck out my tongue at her.

The ballad-seller was still going strong:

‘The Citizens can nothing do,
but lug their treasure out of town,
Thirty pounds Carts are hired now,
every private man looks to his own
But every passenger they greet,
With Sugar and Wine in every street.’

Kester sighed. ‘Ballads are always so tragic.’

‘They sell,’ Anna said darkly.

The tent flap opened and Gaspard ducked in, followed by a man with a dog tagging behind him. ‘Yes, you see,’ Gaspard was saying, ‘three of them, all beautiful dancers, all touched by the faery–’

‘Oh no, don’t give me that tale,’ the man said, laughing. His light-brown moustache drew back at the corners when he smiled. ‘Beautiful dancers I’ll accept, but as for a faery-mark, that’ll probably wash off after the first bath they take.’

‘Ah, no!’ Gaspard grinned. He unlocked the cage and stepped inside. I flinched as he pulled my head back by the hair and yanked down the neck of my thin white dress. ‘See this one? She’s got a mark all right. Look. Not paint, like the others.’

The man stepped closer to the cage and stared at the mark on my neck, sprawling red and uneven down over my collarbone. The dog stuck its slobbering muzzle between the bars, and I shrank back against Gaspard. Anna reached out and shoved the dog down, glancing fearfully up at Gaspard. He frowned and let me go. ‘Watch the dog, Granger.’

He climbed out of the cage and I huddled next to Kester and Anna. Granger pulled the dog back and rubbed his mouth thoughtfully, studying us with calm blue eyes. He had a bald spot growing in his greying brown hair. ‘How old are they?’ he asked abruptly, his eyes lingering on Anna’s face.

‘Phoebe’s thirteen, Kester’s fourteen and Anna is sixteen.’

‘Are you sure?’ Granger asked dubiously. ‘They all look very small.’

‘Would I lie to you?’ Gaspard grinned.

‘Very probably.’ Granger rolled his eyes. ‘All right. I’ll take the other two, then.’

Gaspard unlocked the cage and poked me into the far corner with his stick, giving Anna and Kester a shove towards the door. ‘Go on, you two.’ Granger was waiting, and he looked them up and down speculatively.

‘Where are they going?’ I asked, and earned another poke from Gaspard’s stick.

Granger put his hand on Anna’s shoulder. She tried to pull away but he held her firmly. ‘Phoebe!’ she cried in a voice that suddenly desperate.

Gaspard came back out and took Kester by the scruff of his neck. I rushed back to the front of the cage and strained against the bars. Kester twisted around and bit Gaspard’s arm. Gaspard growled and began dragging him out of the tent, Granger following with Anna.

‘Phoebe!’ Kester shouted, then yelped as Gaspard hit him.

‘Gaspard!’ I was on my feet, gripping the bars of the cage, rattling them. ‘Gaspard! Bring them back! Please bring them back! I’ll shut up, I’ll be quiet, just bring them back! Please!’

The tent flap fell down behind them with a soft slap of canvas on canvas.

‘Come back! Gaspard!’

---

Comments on everything, please, especially the characters, whether the title's all right and whether this works as a first chapter. Thanks!

Hello, darling! Music here as requested!


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

‘Go on, that’s it, all you get for your money, all you get for four pence…’
This is probably the one grammatical issue I found. Why do you use an apostrophe for quotation marks?

I fell back in the straw and Kester poked a straw up my nose.
The second use of "straw" in the sentence irked me a bit; perhaps replace one with a synonym.

Kester sighed. ‘Ballads are always so tragic.’

‘It sells,’ Anna said darkly.
Why don't you change "it" to "they"? When Kester speaks, you use a plural noun, but when Anna speaks soon after and about the same noun, you switch it to its singular form.

‘Phoebe!’ she cried[s],[/s] (<---You don't need that comma.) in a voice that suddenly desperate.

‘Gaspard!’ I was on my feet, gripping the bars of the cage, rattling them. ‘Gaspard! Bring them back! Please bring them back! I’ll shut up, I’ll be quiet, just bring them back! Please!’
I like this, but I'd like just a bit more deranged desperation. Perhaps she repeats a few things, if you know what I'm saying?

The tent flap fell down behind them with a soft slap of canvas on canvas.
I like this. It's very descriptive.

‘Come back! Gaspard!’
Okay, so this was your last line. I'd like a bit more... drama. Maybe a tag, maybe not. Maybe, instead of saying something about Gaspard, she cries out the names of her friends wildly.

Language Usage & Writing Style: Woo, you've got a great writing style! I adore your description, darling! I will say that the flow was a bit put off at times, though. I can't really describe it, it just was a bit choppy for me when they bring Granger in... I think it was bringing in the dog. It just seemed random, but maybe you'd mentioned him before and I didn't notice...


Imagery & Emotion: I thought that while the imagery was wonderful, your emotion was pretty lacking! What emotion I did get was at the ending in the dialogue, but I thought dramatizing the tags and a bit of the dialogue would help bring out Pheobe's helplessness and desperation.


Characters: Okay, characters. This was one of your main concerns, no? Hmm.
Relationships. That's one of the things that would make them more real to me. Could Phoebe and Kester be in love? Are Kester and Anna brother and sister? Are Phoebe and Anna best friends? Mentioning such things subtly would give your characters a lot more depth, as would giving them emotion. You're almost there, but they just need to be a bit more realistic.


Plot/Concept: I liked this. The beginning was strong, the middle just a tad lacking (but still good), and the ending suspenseful. I liked that you left us with a cliffhanger, but I thought it could've been a tad more dramatic and/or suspenseful.
I thought this made a nice first chapter, nonetheless. I'm looking forward to reading more!


Good work, Woo! A little revising and this piece will be fantastic! Oh- and I think the title suits the story well!

Love,
Music

Hello, Thank you for replying to my 'will review for food' thread. I'm just going to do as best as I can, as it is Easter Friday, and I have no life!

Line By Line:

‘They stole little Bridget
For seven years long;
When she came down again,
Her friends were all gone.’ –The Fairies, William Allingham

I like this - the quote at the beginning of each chapter thing.
I know this is in historical fiction, but I'm not really sure what to make of this... Perhaps you could add a date in there too, when The guy lived or something to give us a hint of what time period it is. Anyways, I'm sure that I don't get it because I'm terribly history-lacking.

***

There were flames in my feet.
I think here, you have used some good imagery, however, it's not great as a first sentence. This also (kind of) struck me metaphorically - he's in hot water and he has to think fast. I think that's what is going on in your story - right? Anyways, back to the first sentence thing. It's short and to the point, which is why i don't like it, I think. In a good first sentence - remember, this s my opinion only - It should be packed with description and action. Try and add something in about
'My feet scuttled away from the flames, but but every turn - every patch if straw - was alight.'I can't really help you there, but I think that if you thought about it, you could make it better - Good luck!

***

Dancing flames in my dancing feet, roaring and leaping, fed by the wind and the straw. Straw that slipped under me, pricked my toes; separate, stabbing little shards like the notes of the violin playing outside the cage.
I like this bit; it describes the situation that the character is in. It's also very descriptive, and not tell-ish at all. There is, however, one thing that you could improve on here; I wouldn't repeat 'straw' here. The scene that you have set seems to be very serious - you character is dancing on flames, abut yet, the repetition of words like that seems very childish. For example -
The stars that go up.
Up towards the light.
The light that blinds me.
Blinds me from down here.
Down here at the bottom of the stairs.
Okay, you see what I mean? very childish. like you can't think of another word, or a better way to start the sentence.
You could change this to something like:
Dancing flames in my dancing feet, roaring and leaping, fed by the wind and the straw. Every step I took, the cinders were ablaze, burning my poor soles. The burning straw slipped under me, pricked my toes; separate, stabbing little shards like the notes of the violin playing outside the cage.

***

They were blank, empty; meaningless stage props against the background of old and dirty tent canvas.
I don't quite get what you mean by 'tent canvas' here. Do you just mean old and dirty canvas? This sentence actually confused me a little bit - read over it yourself, and see how it flows. You could make the structure of this sentence a lot better - even if you keep the words the same.
Blurred in to the old and dirty canvas were meaningless props - faces that blurred if I could spare the energy to look up at them.

***

The violin sang the last notes loud and sweet,
I like this paragraph - however the flow of the story is interrupted by the faces blurring in the last one. I would actually prefer it if you just got rid of the last one - it adds nothing much to the story, and it disrupts the flow. Observe:

Straw that slipped under me, pricked my toes; separate, stabbing little shards like the notes of the violin playing outside the cage.

The violin sang the last notes loud and sweet, letting them linger in the air before trailing away.
Of coarse, you would have to get rid of the second 'violin', but that would be easy. Fiddle around with it a bit and it could be gold

***

Other than that, I really like the way you have told your story so far - the reader only knows what you tell them, and you tell them just enough, while packing it with description, and making it enjoyable to read.

***

‘All day,’ I said.
One thing here - usually, speech is in " (double quotes) and not ' (Which is often used for apostrophes)
However, this is a choice that the writers make, so you can do whatever you want. I would suggest double quotes, because that is what everyone is used to, and it becomes easier to read.

***

‘Sorry. I forgot. We’re supposed to be faery-kind, aren’t we?
I'm not quite sure what is meant by this. I suppose you want i to be sarcasm, and the 'fairy-kind' is meant to be a twist on 'very kind'? Well, if so, then you should put the 'fairy' in italics, because that would put emphasis on it, and the reader would be able to catch your drift.

***

My eyes went to the marks on Anna’s and Kester’s necks, carefully painted on every morning by Gaspard. [s][b]Only[/s] Unlike my brother’s and sister’s, my mark couldn’t be washed off. [/b]

***

Okay, that's the line-by-line done. I'm not too good at grammar, so I'll leave that to someone else.

The Characters:
First of all, I think that you have given them personality in your writing - I sort of know what the character is like - and that's good because this is only the first chapter. One other thing though - I have absolutely no idea what they look like. For example, what color is phoebe's hair? What color are her eyes? Is she tall, short, thin, or thick, or smart... I've no idea what they look like, or how they would apply themselves in to the everyday situations. I also have no idea what year it is - you call them faeries,m which i have absolutely no idea about... please explain them to me in the text. She was bound by a spell to dance at the beginning, I gathered that, so it must be in the middle ages or something. Do the faeries have wings? are they normal human size? I know their basic personality, but i have no idea of what they look like, or what they know - or when the story is set for one thing.
This story has a lot of potential, but you need to explain more - without info-dumping, which is something you seem to be good at (Not dumping, I mean )

Whether the title's all right

Yes... I think that the title is fine. It sort of explains what the story is about, and you haven't got some cliche that sounds really bad.

Whether this works as a first chapter
Yes, it is action packed, you have good descriptions, and you explain what is happening well. I just have one suggestion for the next chapter though... add a newspaper with the date on it. I (As I said before) am very history-impaired, and I should probably be able to find out the date from the London fire thing, but oh well.

Have a good easter!

Hello, Thank you for replying to my 'will review for food' thread. I'm just going to do as best as I can, as it is Easter Friday, and I have no life!

Line By Line:

‘They stole little Bridget
For seven years long;
When she came down again,
Her friends were all gone.’ –The Fairies, William Allingham

I like this - the quote at the beginning of each chapter thing.
I know this is in historical fiction, but I'm not really sure what to make of this... Perhaps you could add a date in there too, when The guy lived or something to give us a hint of what time period it is. Anyways, I'm sure that I don't get it because I'm terribly history-lacking.

***

There were flames in my feet.
I think here, you have used some good imagery, however, it's not great as a first sentence. This also (kind of) struck me metaphorically - he's in hot water and he has to think fast. I think that's what is going on in your story - right? Anyways, back to the first sentence thing. It's short and to the point, which is why i don't like it, I think. In a good first sentence - remember, this s my opinion only - It should be packed with description and action. Try and add something in about
'My feet scuttled away from the flames, but but every turn - every patch if straw - was alight.'I can't really help you there, but I think that if you thought about it, you could make it better - Good luck!

***

Dancing flames in my dancing feet, roaring and leaping, fed by the wind and the straw. Straw that slipped under me, pricked my toes; separate, stabbing little shards like the notes of the violin playing outside the cage.
I like this bit; it describes the situation that the character is in. It's also very descriptive, and not tell-ish at all. There is, however, one thing that you could improve on here; I wouldn't repeat 'straw' here. The scene that you have set seems to be very serious - you character is dancing on flames, abut yet, the repetition of words like that seems very childish. For example -
The stars that go up.
Up towards the light.
The light that blinds me.
Blinds me from down here.
Down here at the bottom of the stairs.
Okay, you see what I mean? very childish. like you can't think of another word, or a better way to start the sentence.
You could change this to something like:
Dancing flames in my dancing feet, roaring and leaping, fed by the wind and the straw. Every step I took, the cinders were ablaze, burning my poor soles. The burning straw slipped under me, pricked my toes; separate, stabbing little shards like the notes of the violin playing outside the cage.

***

They were blank, empty; meaningless stage props against the background of old and dirty tent canvas.
I don't quite get what you mean by 'tent canvas' here. Do you just mean old and dirty canvas? This sentence actually confused me a little bit - read over it yourself, and see how it flows. You could make the structure of this sentence a lot better - even if you keep the words the same.
Blurred in to the old and dirty canvas were meaningless props - faces that blurred if I could spare the energy to look up at them.

***

The violin sang the last notes loud and sweet,
I like this paragraph - however the flow of the story is interrupted by the faces blurring in the last one. I would actually prefer it if you just got rid of the last one - it adds nothing much to the story, and it disrupts the flow. Observe:

Straw that slipped under me, pricked my toes; separate, stabbing little shards like the notes of the violin playing outside the cage.

The violin sang the last notes loud and sweet, letting them linger in the air before trailing away.
Of coarse, you would have to get rid of the second 'violin', but that would be easy. Fiddle around with it a bit and it could be gold

***

Other than that, I really like the way you have told your story so far - the reader only knows what you tell them, and you tell them just enough, while packing it with description, and making it enjoyable to read.

***

‘All day,’ I said.
One thing here - usually, speech is in " (double quotes) and not ' (Which is often used for apostrophes)
However, this is a choice that the writers make, so you can do whatever you want. I would suggest double quotes, because that is what everyone is used to, and it becomes easier to read.

***

‘Sorry. I forgot. We’re supposed to be faery-kind, aren’t we?
I'm not quite sure what is meant by this. I suppose you want i to be sarcasm, and the 'fairy-kind' is meant to be a twist on 'very kind'? Well, if so, then you should put the 'fairy' in italics, because that would put emphasis on it, and the reader would be able to catch your drift.

***

My eyes went to the marks on Anna’s and Kester’s necks, carefully painted on every morning by Gaspard. [s][b]Only[/s] Unlike my brother’s and sister’s, my mark couldn’t be washed off. [/b]

***

Okay, that's the line-by-line done. I'm not too good at grammar, so I'll leave that to someone else.

The Characters:
First of all, I think that you have given them personality in your writing - I sort of know what the character is like - and that's good because this is only the first chapter. One other thing though - I have absolutely no idea what they look like. For example, what color is phoebe's hair? What color are her eyes? Is she tall, short, thin, or thick, or smart... I've no idea what they look like, or how they would apply themselves in to the everyday situations. I also have no idea what year it is - you call them faeries,m which i have absolutely no idea about... please explain them to me in the text. She was bound by a spell to dance at the beginning, I gathered that, so it must be in the middle ages or something. Do the faeries have wings? are they normal human size? I know their basic personality, but i have no idea of what they look like, or what they know - or when the story is set for one thing.
This story has a lot of potential, but you need to explain more - without info-dumping, which is something you seem to be good at (Not dumping, I mean )

Whether the title's all right

Yes... I think that the title is fine. It sort of explains what the story is about, and you haven't got some cliche that sounds really bad.

Whether this works as a first chapter
Yes, it is action packed, you have good descriptions, and you explain what is happening well. I just have one suggestion for the next chapter though... add a newspaper with the date on it. I (As I said before) am very history-impaired, and I should probably be able to find out the date from the London fire thing, but oh well.

Have a good easter!

Hello! Here as you asked.

Wow. There were hardly any nitpicks. Good job on that!

The (very few) Nitpicks!

‘Go on, that’s it, all you get for your money, all you get for four pence…’

It should be:

"Go on, that's it. All you get for your money, all you get for four pences..."

At least, that’s what it felt like. Dancing flames in my dancing feet, roaring and leaping, fed by the wind and the straw. Straw that slipped under me, pricked my toes; separate, stabbing little shards like the notes of the violin playing outside the cage.

Love the imagery in this first paragraph. Nice start.

gawking at us as we danced

We? I thought there was only one?

a benevolent uncle on a family treat.

I don't understand this part. Are you comparing him to an Uncle?

That's all.

Your description/imagery: amazing! 9/10 You did a great job on this.

Your emotions: A bit lacking as Music said. When Kester and Anna are taken away how does Phoebe feel? Maybe add it in with your dialogue like this:

‘Where are they going?’ I asked desperately,

Or something like that.

Your character, Phoebe, is very interesting. The only one with the real mark. I wonder what it symbolizes... Guess I'll have to wait for Ch.2.

Gaspard; the villian. He was well written, although could seem more harsh, again by adding to the dialouge as I did for the emotion example.

Granger. What I don't understand is why he wants the others and not Phoebe? Phoebe is more interesting.

One last thing. Gaspard just tells Granger that the other two are fakes. Why would he do that? He would want to keep that confidential. And why would he sell Anna and Kester so easily? Then the "Faery family" would be over.

Plus, For your dialouge it's okay to use this: ' but quotation marks are better in my opinion. Its right above this ' just press shift at the same time as you press it. "I think it looks better this way but that's just me," Storm says happily.

Great job on this! I'd love to read more. PM me if you have any questions on my review or write more.
~Storm

Heyy Woo! Thanks for using my thread!
Oh, and first red star, dear? Congrats! Onto the review.
Music seems to have taken care of all the little grammar problems, so I'll do the concept-ish stuff!

Descriptions - Wow. I'm amazed. I can totally picture her dancing, and the faces watching her. The picture on my head is amazing and clear. I loved your descriptions most of the time. But, being my normal picky self, I managed to find a couple of spots where you could improve. You say that the cage is covered with straw at the bottom...And, that's all you really describe it as. Are the bars of the cage thick? Are they cold? Is she shivering when she returns to the cage after the dance? Or is she sweating? Does she lean near a bar to cool down? Is the cage huge? Or are they cramped? You know what I mean, right? Another thing I would do is to describe her mark a little more. I liked the way you compared it to if she had been stabbed with a pink paint brush, but I would like to know a little more from the man's (who bought Kester and Anna) POV. Is he impressed? Does he brush over it? What does he think it looks like? Does he see something special in it? What do the spectators think of it? For, right now, I see it as a red mark or even an injury. I would like to know how others view it. But, dear, it was beautifully described for a first chapter. I loved your imagery.

Flow - Your flow was pretty good and I enjoyed how your descriptions moved smoothly. However, I would work on a little more transition between the scenes. Like, she's finished dancing and immediately in the cage. Huh? What happened in between the two scenes? Was she pushed through, or did she bow? Once she finished dancing, did Gasper immediately take center stage? Did he try to take all the credit and push her away? Adding these little details would slow down the pace a little and add some detail. A little more detail would also add to your descriptions, not that it is too lacking. Anywayz, I would slow down the pace a little. Another part when I would add transitions is right after Gasper shows the man Phoebe's mark. I would add a little discussion between Gasper and him. I would picture them discussing things out of Phoebe's hearing range. A little haggling conversation would add to their nervousness. This would also make the reader wonder what is happening and add to the mystery.

Mood - As Music has pointed out, there isn't enough emotion in it for me. If she's thrown in the cage, she doesn't seem too perturbed. I can accept that she is used to it, however her feet are burning. When Gaspard yells at her, I would like her to argue a little more. If not, I would at least like her to throw him a dirty look. Instead, she seems to quietly accept her predicament. That would be fine if she is a quiet kind of girl, but from the chapter I would see her as a fighter. In the beginning, the mood you convey is excellent. However, the middle gets a bit dry. Your MC seems to be simply whining about her life; that isn't something that would appeal to the reader. I think the idea is that she is arguing. Now, the difference is subtle in the actual writing. All that I think should be added are a few gestures, and maybe note a slight terror in her voice. If you want to go even further, maybe have her voice crack or something. Adding all this would make her seem a little hysterical, and evoke the reader's sympathy. The ending was lovely, dear.

Characters - This was your main concern right? Well, as I said before the MC dried up a bit in the middle. To make her a little more exciting, I would make her more dramatic. I would like to see her fidget in the cage. When she is arguing I would like her voice to change a bit. Now and then, maybe you can say that she yells? And that Kester and Anne are forced to calm her down a bit. Other than that Phoebe is quite an interesting MC, and I truly enjoy reading about her. Another character that I adore is Gasper. Haha, I know it is odd to like the villain, but your development of him is amazing. However, a couple of details that I would add are whether or not he takes the credit for Phoebe's dancing. Once the dance is done, does he go to the center stage and try to steal the limelight? Another thing for later chapters is to give him some good qualities. A villain that is all bad is simply too easy to hate, and doesn't keep the reader's interest too long. Now, I understand that Kester and Anne left, but I would like a little more detail on them. Is Anne the calm one? Is Kester boisterous? Are either of them vain? What are their flaws? Their good points? Y'know I would just like a little more background. Oh, and Music's ideas of relationships is good as well!

Overall - Nice job on this, dear. As a first chapter I don't have too many complaints other than those mentioned above. ^_^ Normally, stories are paced a little too slow, however this is the opposite. I think a little too much happened in this chapter. I would suggest breaking it apart and adding some more details (especially about the Kester and Anne). Other than that, I enjoyed reading this story very much! The title fits very well, dear. Gold star for you! PM me if you have any questions or post on my thread...

**Edit** - I'm curious! Why do you use these apostrophes instead of quotes? I don't think it's wrong...but y'know...

fluteluvr77<3

Hiya! Glad you liked my review on Scavenger enough to ask me for reviews again!

*Looks at posts above mine* i Ai Carumba! Reason I don't like being late.

separate, stabbing little shards like the notes of the violin playing outside the cage.

I didn't quite get this line, with the "separate" the way it is. I put the definition as "barrier" not "individual." I know that other words don't have the same alliteration, but what good is alliteration if you don't understand one of the words? I'd replace "separate" to make this clearer.

I flopped down onto the straw-covered floor of the cage, my heart beating hard in my ears.

Since there is no mention of panting here, when you mention it later on it becomes confusing.

He stood at the tent door, ushering the audience out – a benevolent uncle on a family treat.

I don't quite get the bit after the dash here. I get that, maybe, that's how the MC sees him, or the role he's playing right now, but I'm not sure.

Not as though it had been made by the fingers of the Faery Queen, as Gaspard said.

The way this is now, I'm unsure where Gaspard is saying she's fairy marked. I thought he was telling her that she was actually fairy-marked, not telling the crowd.

Perhaps instead of "said," you could use "told the crowd" to make this clearer.

shredding a straw between my fingers.

To invoke the image of organic straw, not the plastic kind, put "piece" in front "straw."

I don’t know,’ – greatly daring – ‘call up the Devil and

The "-greatly daring-" seems like something you would see in a Chat conversation, or something. Turn that into an actual action your MC does so that doesn't happen. ^_^

I said, picking straw out my tangled curls.

You're missing "of" after "out." ^_^

He frowned and let me go. ‘Watch the dog, Granger.’

~I would make this dialogue it's own line.

~ "Granger" is very close to "Gaspard"; I got the two confused more then once.

I asked, and earned another poke from Gaspard’s stick.

Methinks this would be clearer is it was written: I asked, earning me another poke from Gaspard's stick.

‘Come back! Gaspard!’

Nice ending!

~

Characters: I loved them! Anna was the classic older sister, while Kester and Phoebe are the bratty younger siblings.

What I would like, though, is more on how they came to be in the freakshow (what is it with you and freakshows? You use them everywhere), where their parents are, ext. The way it is now, how close they are, it makes me think they've been alone for a long time. Maybe their mother is dead? Even if she's not, it might be better if Anna played a more "motherly" role with the two younger ones. It would make it clearer they're siblings.

I would also like more on their clothing, especially Granger. We have nothing on him, other then the fact he has a dog. You could show so much of his character with what clothing he wore, if his dog had a leather leash, a rope one, or one that was studded with gold. He is the thinnest character, and I think it would help the scene to have him better described.

Tag and Sensory Description: Since this scene doesn't really have room for place description, focus a bit more on sensory description. How do things feel? How about the emotions? Were Kester and Phoebe laughing while they were tumbling in the straw?

I would also like to see more mannerisms before and after they speak. Does Anna snort when she's about to disregard them? Does Phoebe cross her arms? I think putting some more action tags in here would really help us get more on their personalities.

Overall: I liked all the hints of things thrown in her. All the mention of fire, some Shakespeare, the Fae, a bunch of stuff I hope you shall get back to.

I would like to see some more on how Kester and Anna were dragged out, and more on the man who bought them (I think he bought them, at least). That's the only place I was wondering what's going on.

Nice work! Let me know when another chapter is up?

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

This was interesting but, a little strange. The characters are lacking, you need to have more depth and emotion to them. They seem dull to me. You must let us fell as if we have known them for ever. Tell us what they look like, if they are kind or rude. Things of that sort. You developed your main character, Phebe alright, showing that she talks a lot but, that was pretty much all there was. Some more description could help to, tell us what the cage looks like. What is going on outside of their tent. The story sounds interesting, but just work on those few pointers and you could have something here. Good luck and Keep writing. I can't wait to read more! *Gold Star*

Hello, darling! It looks like you've already got a lot of line-by-lines, so I'll confine myself to general comments. In truth, it looks and feels a lot like Raven's story--is this meant to be a sort of re-write? I know you wanted to change Raven's name and all, and Phoebe certainly sounds a lot like her. If this is the case, then you're doing a marvelous job at transferring all the best parts of earlier drafts into this one. (If it's not the case, I think you're repeating yourself a bit much.) I really like the very beginning, where you're not yet sure whether they're true fey or not--the line about fire in her feet was especially good, and I thought the way you brought in the surrounding scene, cage, crowd, all that, bit by bit was very well done. It's really marvelous to see you grow and develop as a writer, and I think that each piece you've done has been better than the one before it. Keep writing, my Twit, and I will try to keep reading--the semester's almost done, so I might actually have that most precious of commodities, "free time", relatively soon.

All the best, and thanks for a loverly read.

As usual, Twit, I have next to nothing to critique. I DID feel that the ending was a bit abrupt though. Gaspard is selling her family, and her reactions seem just a little bit too tame. I wouldn't just be screaming at the man if he tried to take my sister from me - I'd be biting, clawing, screaming, crying. I'd be devastated and madder than hell. Try to instill a little more emotion into that last scene.

Other than that, I thought this was beautiful. Their personalities were all very distinct, although Kester seemed a little less developed than the other two. I like the bit about the London fire that you slipped in too - it helped place the time period.

Nice job. Can't wait to read more!