My Sweet, Rotted Creature

My sweet, fair child, what has become of you?
You have collapsed into my hands once again,
but, my child, who are you?
You bleak, pale creature of the darkness…
who are you?

I had lost you, my desolate being;
you left without a word, ambling through the forest.
I had no word, no news of what befell you.
Yet here you are, cowering at my old, worn feet.
My timid foundling; indeed, you are found.

For years, you tell me, you roamed.
You wished for life, for freedom, independence.
I wash your rotting skin as you tell your tale.
You free spirit, you butterfly in the wind.
With the stars in your eyes, with the sunset in your cheeks,
you strayed from that which you loved.
To find a better world, where not all was safe in my grasp.
But opportunity was your temptress.

You love-sick bird, you flew away,
to chase the worms of the trodden earth;
that saccharine wine you had yet to touch your lips.
But you had also yet to feel the storm’s torrent.
You dipped your toes in other people’s oceans,
territories where you were unwanted.

My imprudent child,
what has become of your bright-eyed soul?
Those ruddy cheeks are grim, that fair skin has rusted.
I shall love you, dear infant, ‘til the end of time.
But you are gone to me.

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It's very open to criticism, as I only just wrote it, and I have to leave before I can read over it again. But I couldn't wait until tomorrow to post it. Thank you beforehand to those who review it.

That was a good poem. ^-^ I think it was fairly well written be there could be some adjustments. Meep, other than that I don't think you should change anything but that's just me. Meep. ^-^

My sweet, fair child, what has become of you?
You have collapsed into my hands once again, [period instead]
but, my child, who are you?
You bleak, pale creature of the darkness…
who are you?

I love the beginning here. It's such an eerie setup, asking questions about some unknown character. It catches the reader's interest. Who is this oxy-moronic character? xD

However, I've noticed throughout the poem, you use the sentence fragments. I do think that's more effective here; therefore, that small comma change would do well for you.

I had lost you, my desolate being;
you had left without a word, ambling through the forest.
I had no word, no news of what befell you.
Yet here you are, cowering at my old, worn feet.
My timid foundling; indeed, you are found.

This is very cool. Supposedly the narrator knows this character in some way, which throws the reader for a loop.

There's a strange mess with tenses in this stanza though. I'm inserting the had in there, but I'm trying to decide if we need all those had's in there? Just keep it as a generic past tense?

For years, you tell me, you roamed.
You wished for life, for freedom, independence.
I wash your rotting skin as you tell your tale.
You free spirit, you butterfly in the wind.
With the stars in your eyes, with the sunset in your cheeks,
you strayed from that which you loved.
To find a better world, where not all was safe in my grasp.
But opportunity was your temptress.

With the stanza as a whole, we don't seem to be questioning who this kid is, seeing as the narrator most definitely has seen this person before. It's kind of intriguing, really, by this moment. Your description is most beyond fantastic, though. It has been earlier in the poem, and it still is!

I don't like the first line. I keep reading it over and over. It's grammatically correct, but the flow is off. Maybe if you rewrite it as this, it would be better?: For years you roamed, you tell me. Especially since you're not rhyming, the mixed up sentence isn't much necessary.

You [s]love-sick[/s] lovesick bird, you flew away, [no comma]
to chase the worms of the trodden earth;
that saccharine wine you had yet to touch your lips.
But you had also yet to feel the storm’s torrent.
You dipped your toes in other people’s oceans,
territories where you were unwanted.

Beautiful imagery! It holds such meaning at this stage! The child has always been so innocent, but it still needed to discover the dark side of the world. Wonderful job!

I don't understand the third line here. The semi makes it seem like it belongs to the previous lines, but it doesn't make sense in that way. It's a stand-alone, but as a stand-alone, it can't stand alone without an explanation. At least a verb! xD I would get rid of it completely; keep the mother nature theme here.

My imprudent child,
what has become of your bright-eyed soul?
Those ruddy cheeks are grim, that fair skin has rusted.
I shall love you, dear infant, ‘til the end of time.
But you are gone to me.

Beautiful ending! I love the end here when you say you'll love them, but liking them is a different story now. The person's changed enough to where you can't really be close to them, but you will still respect them as a brother/sister.

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This is one of your better poems, I would think. Your imagery is fabulous, and your meaning is clear to the reader. I couldn't have been happier with a poem! My only complains are within my nitpicks above. I'm sorry to say I'm not that much of help; you will need a better poet to critique this baby.

On the other hand, you have my 500th review!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I love this poem, its wonderfully eerie.

I have to say at first, i thought it was about a woman suffering a miscarriage, i have no idea whether this is what you were trying to convey, but thats what i thought. So if this was not your intention, you may want to change it.

I like this a lot. The lyrical language is a very nice addition to the story, and the way you can't tell if its taking place now or in the past is very nice as well. You might want to tell more of why the daughter left her mother, to add to the story. The last verse, in my opinion is the best.

The cool thing about this poem is that you made the "child" sound both bad and good. You have it sounding like a mourning mother thinking of better days with their beloved child. So, I praise your style here. The poem also reads perfectly and I had no trouble finding the rhythm, another thumbs up.