Vamp Town

I moved here two weeks ago. Since then I had managed to get a part time job working at Tim’s Diner. The diner was small and always crowded, but it gave me the money I so desperately wanted. Tonight there was only one customer and they had left along time ago. The little bell chimed as the second customer took a table in the far left corner of the room. I picked up the pad of paper and gracefully walked over to the hooded figure. They searched up and down the menu, looking for something edible.
“ Hi, can I take your order?” My voice was strained and completely dull.
The hooded figure glanced up at me. They’re eyes were darn brown, almost black. The figure was a boy. They had shagged blonde hair and pointy cheekbones.
“ I’ll have a black coffee” His voice was deep and sturn.
I walked over to the counter and pulled out a new clean cup and poured the hot coffee into it. Sarah- the pretty blonde one brought the coffee over to him. I counted the cash in the till. They was four dollars and seventeen cents. A very productive night.
“ What brings you here?” His eyes glanced towards me.
“ Me?”
“ Yeah”
“ My sister wanted to get out of the red bloods world so she moved us all here.”
“ Didn’t your parents have any say?”
“ My parents died last year.”
He downed the rest of the coffee and walked up to me with the cup in his hand.
“ Sorry to hear that. So will I see you around?”
“ Yeah, im going to start at the academy in September.”
He handed me a twenty.
“ Thanks for everything, keep the change.”
Since I moved here everything was a blur. I was a vampire my whole life, but the only vampires I had ever been around were my family. Now, I lived in a town of them. They all looked different. Some had markings and some looked as though they were humans. The same thing about them though, was that questioning look when they saw us all arrive. The thoughts probably occurring probably had to do with the fact that there was six of us, and even though that we were children we had more money than the average life’s savings. To be exact more than two million dollars. But hey- vampires were never poor, were they?

Anything you'd like to say would be helpful. Ive been writing for a year or so and this defiantly isn't the best piece Ive ever written. The story I have been writing for quiet some time is a lot better and will be getting published but its at a standstill. I wanted to submit something to see what kind of response and help I could/would get.
Thanks So Much to all of the writers ect. who look at this & help.

I love it! N-i-c-e-! Way to go! Okay, so reviews now:
umm, I think you should change the part about Sarah, the pretty blond. You could say, "Sarah, with a dazzling smile as always, took the coffee from my hand and gave it to him, her blond hair lay perfectly on her shoulders, she was so pretty." or something like that, becuase I think the description of her is too basic. Or is sarah the main character? It was a bit confusing.
Now, as for the main character, I don't really mind not knowing what she looks like, but you got me intruiged, some look like humans and some have marks, but you said they're different from them, so what does her family look like?
I think you should enter the vampire thing a bit earlier, because most of the time we think she's just a normal teen, [I think it could be helpful to at least add in her age, so we know who this really is, since you're already into introductions in the begining]
umm, you are sort of mixing things up there, because you said she needed the money, then at the end we find out she's a millioner, that really doesn't make sense right now, unless they can only use the money for house chores and stuff.
By the way, taking in six characters is quite a lot, it's very hard to write six different characters with needs and souls that are not a like. It's even harder taking it all in, so I would suggest focusing on the girl and only her, show her family but in a shallow way. Maybe just her older sister or something.
Anyway, I love it and I can't wait to read the next chapter! Long live vamptown!

I agree with Ofir, i lurve this!! I didn't really find anything that was that messed up.

I agree with Ofir (again) when uh she? said that you really shouldn't put 6 MCs in the story. It would be hard to have each one have a different unique personality but it would also get really confusing in the beginning. Anyhow nice work!

They was four dollars and seventeen cents.

Ok, it was an amazing story but the only thing that irritates the crap out of me is 'they'. It should be 'there'. Ok I'm done!
It was a good beginning but you kind of lost me with the 1st, 2nd, person views. To me it seemed like it skipped a view but all in all it was a good beginning. I love it so don't stop writing, 'kay? It was good.
^-^

-Tifa

Got YWS?

Triple post? Seriously? Just my luck...

Whoops...

Hi! I liked your story a lot! There's just some things I noticed that you might want to fix:

Nitpicks (Annoying as they are, I can't help myself)

I moved here two weeks ago.

There's nothing really wrong with this sentence. It's quite servicable, actually. But do you really want to start your story like this? You want your first line to suck your readers in, to catch their interest. You only get one chance to attract a reader, so you want your beginning to be great. I suppose that this will do, but you might want to start the story with more of a bang, or at least a more interesting sentence. That's just my opinion. Okay, moving on.

Tonight there was only one customer, and they had left along time ago.

There should be a comma there.

The little bell chimed as the second customer took a table in the far left corner of the room.

Where is this bell? Over the door?

I picked up the pad of paper and gracefully walked over to the hooded figure.

It just seems kind of weird to point out that her walk is "graceful," especially since this is first person. It seems pretty... I don't know, arrogant to say that you're graceful. Like your character thinks she's so high and mighty and graceful. I really don't think you were going for that effect. And anyways, how many people pay attention to how they themselves walk? I could understand it if the character was saying someone else walked gracefully, but this just seems weird here. I'd change it to another adjective.

Their eyes were darn brown, almost black.

"Darn brown"? What does this mean?

The figure was a boy. They had shagged blonde hair and pointy cheekbones.

You just said that the figure was a boy, so cut this "they" stuff. Since you identified his gender, from now on all references should be "he" or "his", not "they."

“ I’ll have a black coffee” His voice was deep and sturn.

Okay, this made me laugh. A boy with a deep, stern voice? That just sounds ridiculous. Men have deep voices. Boys normally don't. How old is this kid supposed to be, anyways?

Sarah, the pretty blonde one, brought the coffee over to him.

Who is Sarah supposed to be? You sort of just pushed her into the story without any introduction or explanation at all. For all I know, she's a pretty blonde hobo who likes to wander into restraunts and serve coffee to random people. Also, that description is incredibly blunt and short. You should describe her more. After all, there has to be more to her than a "pretty blonde."

There were four dollars and seventeen cents.

“ My sister wanted to get out of the red blood's world, so she moved us all here.”

“

Didn’t your parents have any say?”
“ My parents died last year.”

Okay, this is a major case of talking heads. I have no idea who's saying what, or how they look while they're saying it, or how they're speaking. It's incredibly confusing.

“ Yeah, I'm going to start at the academy in September.”

Since I moved here everything was a blur. I was a vampire my whole life, but the only vampires I had ever been around were my family. Now, I lived in a town of them. They all looked different. Some had markings and some looked as though they were humans. The same thing about them though, was that questioning look when they saw us all arrive. The thoughts probably occurring probably had to do with the fact that there was six of us, and even though that we were children we had more money than the average life’s savings. To be exact more than two million dollars. But hey- vampires were never poor, were they?

Whoa, where'd this come from? You totally just skipped from the diner scene to this. I think I just got whip lash. Maybe this would be better at the beginning of the story? That would definetely improve the flow.


The Big Picture

I thought you did a decent job with this. You lack a lot of the basic elements of a good story, though, such as:

* Setting - I can't imagine the diner at all. What does it look like? Does it have square tables, or round? Booths? A red and white checkered tile floor? Is there an annoying bell that hangs over the door and rings everytime someone opens it? What quirks does it have? Give this place a personality! Make it stand out in my mind! What makes it different - or the same - from every other diner I've ever been in?

* Characters - Another thing you need to work on. I know absolutely nothing about the main character, other than that brief little thing you stuck in at the end. What do they look like? What's their name? I don't even know their gender! This character needs a personality, as well. And Sarah... *sigh*. First, you just stick her in the middle of the story. I have no idea where she came from, or who she is. And then you describe her as a "pretty blonde". That's such a boring, incomplete description! Do you know how many pretty blondes there are in the world? It's almost cliche. Give me some more detail! Give her some flaws! And finally, there's this mysterious boy who walks in the diner, drinks some coffee, and leaves. I would love some more description about him as well. Right now, all of your characters seem really shallow and flat. There's the pretty blonde, the mysterious figure in the cloak, and the vampire just trying to sound familiar. There's characters like that in almost every other book I've read. Spice it up! Make them more unique.

* Dialogue - This is a bit blah. The characters said "Yeah" way too many times. Dialogue should define your characters and outline their individual personalities and quirks. It should all have a meaning.

*

Okay, I have to admit: this sucks. Sorry, but it's the cold, hard truth. There's no description, little detail, and the facts are short. I can't imagine what this Tom's Diner looks like, what's in it, and I can't form a mental image of any of the characters. Plus, when the two characters were chatting I got lost and couldn't figure out who was saying what. Another fact is this is a first person story and all I see montonous talking from the main character who I forgot to mention you never gave a name to. All we know about her is she moved to wherever it is she moved to, that she started working at Tim's Diner, and that she's boring.

Now, that does not mean that it can't be turned around. Add more description, give the main character emotions, and make us feel like this story is going some place.

but it gave me the money I [s]so[/s] desperately wanted.

They’re eyes were darn brown, almost black

Change the bolded word to something else because they applies to more than one person and they are doesn't make sense. And don't use his because you haven't specified the gender of the person yet.

They had shagged blonde hair and pointy cheekbones.

Again, don't use they. It applies to more than one person and you want it to imply just one person; use he. And use shaggy instead of shagged, it makes more sense.

Sarah. the pretty blonde one, brought the coffee over to him.

And change the one to the waittress or something. One doesn't say what she is; waitress, the manager, ect . . .

There was four dollars and seventeen cents.

“ My sister wanted to get out of the red bloods' world so she moved us all here.”

It's a possessive noun ending in "s", so add a apostrophe.

So, will I see you around?”

“ Yeah, I'm going to start at the academy in September.”

but the only vampires I had ever been around was my family.

"Was" makes sense here.

and even though [s]that[/s] we were

Okay, I have to admit: this sucks. Sorry, but it's the cold, hard truth. There's no description, little detail, and the facts are short. I can't imagine what this Tom's Diner looks like, what's in it, and I can't form a mental image of any of the characters. Plus, when the two characters were chatting I got lost and couldn't figure out who was saying what. Another fact is this is a first person story and all I see montonous talking from the main character who I forgot to mention you never gave a name to. All we know about her is she moved to wherever it is she moved to, that she started working at Tim's Diner, and that she's boring.

Now, that does not mean that it can't be turned around. Add more description, give the main character emotions, and make us feel like this story is going some place.

but it gave me the money I [s]so[/s] desperately wanted.

They’re eyes were darn brown, almost black

Change the bolded word to something else because they applies to more than one person and they are doesn't make sense. And don't use his because you haven't specified the gender of the person yet.

They had shagged blonde hair and pointy cheekbones.

Again, don't use they. It applies to more than one person and you want it to imply just one person; use he. And use shaggy instead of shagged, it makes more sense.

Sarah. the pretty blonde one, brought the coffee over to him.

And change the one to the waittress or something. One doesn't say what she is; waitress, the manager, ect . . .

There was four dollars and seventeen cents.

“ My sister wanted to get out of the red bloods' world so she moved us all here.”

It's a possessive noun ending in "s", so add a apostrophe.

So, will I see you around?”

“ Yeah, I'm going to start at the academy in September.”

but the only vampires I had ever been around was my family.

"Was" makes sense here.

and even though [s]that[/s] we were

OK first of all, there's not enough detail for my taste. I didn't have any image in my head while reading and, for me, that's a very bad sign.

Second of all, I was pretty confused with who was saying what. I had to read that bit almost four times just to be clear. Again, just add a little bit of detail and that problem will disappear.

I love vampire books. Just knowing that you're story is about vampires is enough to give me hope. Just take some more time on this and I'm sure that it could be so much better.

Oh, one more thing: I understand that you didn't write a lot but still, I would like some hint as to where the story might be going.