Lucid -- 01 [deleted]

Deleted.

You caught me at a good time because a) I was looking for something to review and b) I was just reading about Lucid Dreaming for my presentation on it. ^_^ Oh, and I read the first version, obviously.

This is not like a dream though. In dreams, you don’t know you’re dreaming, but here I do. ‘This is a dream,’ I say out loud, just to prove to myself that I am indeed aware that I’m dreaming, and not just dreaming that I’m aware that I’m dreaming.

Pshh. The second sentence seems to me as if you were just looking for a dictionary definition. It reads much more mysteriously and confusingly without it. Because by saying, "This is a dream," we know that James knows he is dreaming it, unless he is just dreaming about knowing it, which is also covered in the next bit... wow, I see what you mean. It is confusing. Meh. Do with it what you will, if any of that made sense.

In his spare time, James liked to write the occasional short story, and had been thinking of writing a story about his dreams, but scratched the idea when he realised just how boring it would be to read.

I disagree.

So, not a lot to say here. It was certainly better than the last draft, at least for being longer and more into James' life. Everything I said last time (from what I remember) seems to have been cleared up, so yeah, sorry for the brief critique. Feel free to let me know when the next part is posted, in case I miss it.

Good writing, funny and interesting. That's pretty much it. =]

Blinky

You caught me at a good time because a) I was looking for something to review and b) I was just reading about Lucid Dreaming for my presentation on it. ^_^ Oh, and I read the first version, obviously.

This is not like a dream though. In dreams, you don’t know you’re dreaming, but here I do. ‘This is a dream,’ I say out loud, just to prove to myself that I am indeed aware that I’m dreaming, and not just dreaming that I’m aware that I’m dreaming.

Pshh. The second sentence seems to me as if you were just looking for a dictionary definition. It reads much more mysteriously and confusingly without it. Because by saying, "This is a dream," we know that James knows he is dreaming it, unless he is just dreaming about knowing it, which is also covered in the next bit... wow, I see what you mean. It is confusing. Meh. Do with it what you will, if any of that made sense.

In his spare time, James liked to write the occasional short story, and had been thinking of writing a story about his dreams, but scratched the idea when he realised just how boring it would be to read.

I disagree.

So, not a lot to say here. It was certainly better than the last draft, at least for being longer and more into James' life. Everything I said last time (from what I remember) seems to have been cleared up, so yeah, sorry for the brief critique. Actually, one thing: I noticed that, of course, James is really interested in this dream that he's just had, but he doesn't really explain it. I mean, sure, it's freewill and all, but is that what strikes him most? Does he want it to happen again? You said he thought it would be a boring read, but we don't know why. Something's exciting him. I think that a small scene focusing on that might be beneficial, otherwise we'll just be stuck in a chain of events without actually knowing James (to be honest, I feel as if the character development's fine, just that bit, eh?). Feel free to let me know when the next part is posted, in case I miss it.

Good writing, funny, and interesting. That's pretty much it. =]

Blinky

Thanks for the review, Blink.

Actually, one thing: I noticed that, of course, James is really interested in this dream that he's just had, but he doesn't really explain it. I mean, sure, it's freewill and all, but is that what strikes him most? Does he want it to happen again?

Ah, very good point. I'll look into that whilst I'm editing. =)

I’m standing in my mind[s], my brain, my head.[/s]

I would cut the other two, as unnecessary. Also, it flows smoother without.

Wait … what?

Never mind.

I wonder if my sleeping body has also just spoken the words this is a dream in the real world too. Do I talk in my sleep? No one’s ever said if I do or not.

Never mind.

Sometimes, I think you can't take yourself seriously as a writer, can't take what you write seriously and it crops up here. 'Wait...what' and 'never mind' both need to go. Not least because they represent a serious intrusion by the author into the text - it demonstrates an awareness of audience first and foremost and a perception not mired in the dream, as James is - but because in creating this little disturbance, this discrepancy, you halt the creation of this cool, strange dreamworld. Be as strange as you like, but don't question it within the text, even if you personally would. Stylistically speaking, it's jarring. If anything, I'd jazz up the dream-state-writing - you realise within the dream, you can write as you please, it can be as strange and different to James' reality/normal stream of thought as you please.

Utilise it.

I didn't like that the majority of that time was taken up with questioning the dream-state. There was, in effect, no dream. And that is boring. Shorten that, extend the girl's role or whatever else is occuring.

‘I hate school mornings,’ James slurred.

Hm. I disliked this, it didn't quite feel right but I'm not sure why. I don't think anyone would say that aloud first thing upon waking - you could think it though. Even then I would strike 'school' from that - it's too obvious a tell. Because its a given in his world, because its so routine for him, he would never directly think 'school' because it would be synonymous with mornings anyway. Fuck mornings. Or something of that nature would be more suitable.

Nothing's happened this far but your signature blend of comedy and realism is always fun to read. My input for this piece at the moment is - make something happen. ie. a dream. rather than a reflection on the nature of dreaming (which can come later). Hope that helped.

Adios amigo