Never Giving Up

Down in the belly of this dark abyss,

The darkness engulfs me

It threatens to choke me

The light is just a tiny dot, so far away; yet I have no choice

I must climb towards it

Inch after agonizing inch I ascend

Sweat pouring down my back

Pain ripping through my nerves like an open flame

Every cell in my body is begging me to stop

Yet I must keep going

And finally, my face is hit with a rush of light

I have made it to the top

I am free

And, for one last time, I look back

Into the seemingly endless sinister chasm

And I cannot believe

I climbed that far

Ellewoods93 wrote:Down in the belly of this dark abyss,

The darkness engulfs me
Be careful with the words dark/darkness/etc, they get redundant quickly.


It threatens to choke me

The light is just a tiny dot, so far away; yet I have no choice

I must climb towards it
That phrase bugs me. 'Tiny dot' seems to technical and strange, and I don't like the flow of the proceeding bit.


Inch after agonizing inch I ascend

Sweat pouring down my back

Pain ripping through my nerves like an open flame

Every cell in my body is begging me to stop

Yet I must keep going
I love the description! However, the underlined lines seem cliched and bland. You could definitely refine those.

And finally, my face is hit with a rush of light

I have made it to the top

I am free

And, for one last time, I look back

Into the seemingly endless sinister chasm

And I cannot believe

I climbed that far

Wow, the ending is amazing!
Overall it was okay, but I think if you spent some time editing it, it could be much better.
: D
G'luck!

Hey Elle! Mind if I call you that? Welcome to YWS. I'm Kat, nice to meet you ^^
I will review this delightful piece!

Down in the belly of this dark abyss,
[s]T[/s] the darkness engulfs me;
It threatens to choke me.

This is a nice start. Descriptive, if I may say. The only nit-pick I see in here, is the lack of punctuation, that also happens along the rest of the poem. I've put my corrections and thoughts in bold.

The light is just a tiny dot, so far away; yet I have no choice, [The punctuation here is very well done]
I must climb towards it.
Inch after agonizing inch, I ascend.

Now, here the punctuation on the first line was good. But the first line, is way too long. it ruins your rhythm, so maybe brake it down after away, but keep the semi-colon.

Sweat pouring down my back,
[s]P[/s] pain ripping through my nerves, like an open flame; [Not sure about this one...]
Every cell in my body is begging me to stop,
Yet, I must keep going.

And finally, my face is hit with a rush of light;
I have made it to the top;
I am free.

This is nice, simple. I'm not sure about the two semi-colons, thought.

[s]And,[/s] For one last time, I look back [Cut the and. it appears too much on these last lines]
Into the seemingly endless sinister chasm,
and I cannot believe,
I climbed that far.

I'd advise you to also cut 'sinister' on the second line, for the sake of your rhythm.

Overall: This was nice. I really liked it

*Kat*
PM me if you need anything!

This piece was interesting. It showed real emotion and the reader could get a sense of the feelings in the poem. The spaces between the sentences was different. There were no major mistakes, but just reread your work . For you see, some of the wording sounded off. Other than that, your poem was great. It had a great voice. I can't wait to read more of your work. Keep it up. *Gold Star*

Hey!

This was a nice poem, and I like the way you executed the theme and also the ending, but I'm just not feeling it. There are a few things that really need to be sorted out, otherwise, it'll just be stuck and redundant. Oh, and just quickly, you need to remember that poetry doesn't start every line with a capital letter--just a new sentence, as with prose.

Theme

Was there really a theme? Whilst I have nothing against literal and simplistic poetry, I find that this one is too shallow. All I could imagine was a man climbing out of a well, with no loss of energy, no pain, no emotional conflict or anything. I'd also avoid getting from the 'dark' and 'light' clichés; they are overused.

Feel free to keep it a narrative, but make it more dramatic and interesting. A poem needs to tell a story, a character; let us learn the story from his/her eyes, with a build-up, an introduction, but something that will let us make up our own mind about the story as it progresses.

From the title, I notice that maybe you're creating a fable with a moral; not to give up. Thing is, that's all the poem does at the moment. You need to connect with us and explain why, how, argue against the emotions that want us to stop, if you understand.

Flow

The flow was so-so. I felt that it might be better written as a paragraph, if I'm honest; the line breaks really don't add at all, other than forcing upon us a typical free-verse structure. That's mostly corrupted by the bland way of telling us everything, and the lack of imaginative sentence structure. Here is an example of what I mean:

The darkness engulfs me
It threatens to choke me

See? I'm not getting the whole 'me me' thing. It would definitely add to the flow to think of new structures, even just fragments. You might say, 'The darkness engulfs and threatens / to choke me.' But there are other things you might do, as an example.

Due to its simplicity, flow is essential; you're going to want us to enjoy the thought of reading it, of moving on to the next line. That might be considered in rhyme, in iambic pentameter or other such literary devices. They help with rhythm and make the reading of it more natural. That is why repetition must be loosely used, unless for effect.

Punctuation

The rules of poetry are not as strict as prose, but that doesn't make them non-existent. If you're going for any punctuation, then you need it all. For instance, where is the closing full stop? Commas? These also help the flow and put you in control. A line break means a new point, sort of, but not a pause. They're substantially different.

You have the basis of a good poem, so best of luck! PM me with any questions, and I'll help out the best to my ability.

Best
Blinky

I like how you built the struggle up and up and up and then when you came to the end you showed us the sense of accomplishment; after a while reading about struggles in poens becomes a bit wearing; it's nice to have someone somewhere achieving something.

Yeah, so great poem. Maybe you don't need qutie so much space between each line? I do hate scrolling. xxxx

I'd keep going with it. Maybe if you take more time to make descriptions of the journey, that don't include, dark and darkness, but other things that aren't really expected, like tastes that could be compared to darkness, or maybe a term like desolate. Thank you
for letting us read it!
-Catfood

I love the message this poem has, and the way you portray it. It starts off dark and gloomy and ends full of light.
I must climb towards it



Inch after agonizing inch I ascend



Sweat pouring down my back



Pain ripping through my nerves like an open flame



Every cell in my body is begging me to stop



Yet I must keep going

This was my favorite part. No mistakes except I would add a few periods here and there, but that's just my opinion. it's not necicarily neaded.

This was great!

I love how your pom starts off with a sombre mood but then towards the end of the poem the mood changes and ends up lighter at the end.

It's nice to read a poem that not only talks about depressing themes and sad stuff but also talks about accomplishment and happiness. Well done!

I agree with other commenters that it would be a lot better and a lot easier to read if you did your poem in paragraphs and not leave a gap between every line because it van get a bit annoying and you have to scroll quite a lot to read it!

Overall I think it was a really that shows plenty of emotion that is well written and effective. Can't wait to read more of your work!

Keep writing

Meg x-x