My Fire

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Once upon a time, there was a beautiful, unfortunately self-centered-satisfied princess. Her name was Sky, and her father wanted her to get married. Unfortunately, (again) when she was meeting different princes from different faraway lands, the prince would say something horribly offending. Then, Sky would throw something form the contents of her room at him.
Of course, every castle has to have something from the contents of her bedroom at the prince. So, she really would never make friends. She would sit by the window all day and stare at the world around the castle. servants, and there were only a few for some odd reason at this particular castle. There was one beautiful servant named Elyria, who had a heart the size of two fists. And reader, you must know of what happens in this story when someone learns to love. When someone learns to love, they gain a special power. Elyria loved so much she had ten special powers. Elyria was a girl that could make sour hearts sweet. But she just couldn’t make Sky’s heart sweet.
Staring out the window all day must get boring, and Sky only got up to meet princes, for hope she would like the next one. But she never did.
Sky had just finished pouring hot water down an Indian prince’s pants, which sent him running all the way back to India. She sat down again and stared out the window. Soon, the month became December and she looked at the swirling patterns on the window. She remembered when she was a tiny little girl and she asked the king why there were designs on the windows. Her father had replied like this. “Sky, Jack Frost and I have a deal. He just loves to put designs on windows in winter, so I said;’You may put designs on our windows if you make them the best ever.’ And he does. Now. Does that answer your question?” Then she nodded and walked slowly to her room.
Then her flashback ended.
She looked out the window and saw someone very small painting on her window.
“Who are you?” Sky demanded.
“Quiet down. You’re going to make me mess up.”
“Who are you?” she was almost screaming. The little man with the paintbrush was rattled while he was painting.
“Jack Frost!”
“Really?”
“Sky, you must learn to love or you will not get a special power.” He flew away.

Sky did not know what to think.
Just then, Elyria came in with a plan that had to work.
“Sky, do you want to hear a story?”
“Fine, but I know it will be horrible.”
“Once there was a beautiful baby girl that had been born as a princess. She slept all day and cried all night.
“Then one day, when the little princess was crying, a robber climbed up the vines on the sides of the castle. He just happened to get into the baby girl’s window, with another baby girl on his back. He quietly switched the two. He was a poor, with a little princess in his hands. He climbed down the vines and ran to the village.
“Then he raised the little girl until she was thirteen. Then the king said ‘All of the servants have run away. I need one family from the village to be servants.’ Everyone in the kingdom locked their doors. Then the knights in shining armor came and knocked down the little girl’s house and took her family away. The little girl kicked and cried as she was taken away to the castle.
“She became a servant, and soon her family died and she was the only servant in the castle. The king didn’t mind one speck. Then she worked all day and all night to do the jobs that her family would be doing.”
Sky was listening.
“But then one day she was sick, and didn’t get any of the jobs done. The king said, ‘Throw her out on the streets. She is of no use to us.’”
Sky cried. She hugged Elyria. Sky’s heart was growing. She wasn’t mean anymore.
Elyria whispered in Sky’s ear, “That’s my story.”
Sky said, “In this kingdom?”
“Yes.”
“I was a poor?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll take your spot if you’d like.”
“No, it’s okay.”
“No it isn’t.”
Sky started to leave.
“Where are you going?”
“Where I belong.”
That night there was a blizzard. But reader, do you remember what happens when someone learns to love in this story? Sky had gotten her special power. Fire. It came flaring out of her hands, right when she needed it most.
Last edited by the_bronze_pen on Sun Apr 05, 2009 10:50 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Hi Bronze Pen, have we met before? No? Well then, welcome to YWS! People round here call me Stella, and I shall be your reviewer today...

Uh, just something to tell you: YWS operates on a 2:1 review:work ratio. Your review count is three, and you have two pieces up, so can you please get your review count up?

So, onto the review...

I. NITPICKS

Nitpicks, in case you didn't know, is YWS lingo for the little things we notice...

self-centered-satisfied princess.


self-centred[centered to you]-satisfied? Uh, perhaps just self-centred.

something form the contents of her room at him.


from. Also, they're in her room?

Soon, the month became December


Soon as in moments after pouring hot water on the Indian Prince?

Then her flashback ended.


This sounds awkward...

Everyone in the kingdom locked their doors.


Why? Servant work isn't that bad...

Elyria whispered in Sky’s ear, “That’s my story.”


So why is she still there?

Okay...

II. THE NATURE OF THE FAIRYTALE

Before I begin, you should probably know, ask anyone, I live off fairytales...

As such, yours isn't bad. It's a good idea. But just some points I'd like to draw your attention to:

-Did the King love his daughter, or despise her because she was so mean? Did he ever feel as if she wasn't really his daughter?
-How did Elyria find out about the swap? Did her father tell her? Why did he swap the children?
-Did either of them marry a prince in the end?
-Where is Sky's mother in these proceedings? The mother tends to be a very important figure in fairytales, when she's taken away, or her children are taken away from her, things go wrong- look at Cinderella and The Goose Girl for instance...

You have a good idea of the tone, etc. but maybe some extra reading of Brothers Grimm or Hans Christian Andersen wouldn't go amiss. Plus, the stories are very enjoyable :)

III. OVERALL

I do like fairytales. Just tweak it so it sounds more like one...

Hope I helped, and drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



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