Summer's Music

I wrote this mainly for my NaPoWriMo thread, but I loved this poem so much, I wanted it to have it's own separate thread. I was daydreaming when I wrote it.

Summer's Music


The trees bend,
ever so slightly
in the gentle summer breeze.

I lay down
in soft grass
and release myself to summer's ease.

This season's wonder
and smell of summer
is all music to me;

The song
and the beauty
of summer's heat.

Edit; I fixed the commas and the "seasons" to "season's". Thank you!

Wow, that was actually very beautiful - I love the way it flows so simply. I think I'm going to be reduced to the nit-pickiest of nit-picking to give you any kind of critique at all!

Basically, my only issue is with the punctuation. You're getting in your own way here; you don't need commas at the end of every line, so take it easy. I'd say you can pretty much get rid of all except the first one, actually - your line breaks are well placed to serve the same purpose and you wouldn't typically put them there in prose, so they're pretty much extraneous.

Otherwise, that was lovely, I can see why you're so proud of it

Cheers,
~bubbles

peanutgallery007 wrote:I wrote this mainly for my NaPoWriMo thread, but I loved this poem so much, I wanted it to have it's own separate thread. I was daydreaming when I wrote it.

Summer's Music


The trees blow,
ever so slightly,
in the gentle summer breeze.

I lay down,
in soft grass,
and release myself to summer's ease.

This seasons wonder,
and smell of summer,
is all music to me;

The song,
and the beauty,
of summer's heat.

I think it was good up until the last two verses, it breaks the tradition, breeze and ease rhymed in the other two verses, but me and heat don't and it ruins the feel of the poem, try thinking of something that might rhyme and keep up the rythm. Anyway, other than that i absoulutely love it!

It was very sweet, and it made me feel like I was laying out in a field in the middle of summer. The figurative lang. was really good. You related smell to music, which is very differnet but you conveyed it clearly. Over all it was 5 stars! One of the best poems I read all day. You should do one for every season just to see how it comes out. My review would be longer but the other people already said what I wanted to say.

Kay

Thank guys! It probably took you a while to do those reviews... thanks for taking time out of your schedule!

I needed it

That is so true, the seasons always seem to echo a song of their own, winters chills, the autmn winds, the springs rain and summer, what a beautiful poem. Music is life, and life is leaping through your poem. Excellent job.

This is an excellent poem.

I'm wondering about the second to the last stanza though. Are you sure that that should really read 'This seasons' or 'This season's'?

Anyway, an absolutely minor thing. Overall, this was a great and very refreshing poem.

Keep writing.

--Knightly

Very dainty yet solid in construction.

The flow was easily coprehended and it helped with the easy going almost dreamy feel throughout.

I Enjoyed it, I always love things having to do with summer time hah.

Lovely, really.

I'd suggest tweaking a few of the lines so that it doesnt seem piled on, thats about it.

Exe's and Oh's Eraqio.

Peanut,

This is very beautiful, but there is one major drawback. The commas. You can get rid of every single one. Please, get rid of them. They detract from the poem. It will read insanely smoother without them in there.

This seasons wonder,

and smell of summer,

is all music to me;

seasons should be season's.

Those are the only things that really stuck out to me. This is a short, simple, sweet and to the point poem, which is really awesome, considering poetry (and short poetry at that!) is very diffiult to write, and pull off. I'm glad to say that you have pulled it off. Just get rid of all those unneeded commas and you'll be good to go.

I'm sorry that this is very unhelpful. It's just that there isn't a whole lot to say. Keep writing, and I'll be your constant reader.

Jared

sweetly written and nice imagery. except it should be season's wonder
its great and it feels true to summer


but do trees actually blow? it doesn't seem to fit but it sounds nice enough
try writing something else instead of 'trees blow'
overall very pretty and honest