Love's Destiny

Another one of those lightning struck poems xD Hope it's not all too bad.

Streaming bands of silver
And bricks lined with gold.
Planets dazzled by starlight,
And night skies left to behold.

In this hour of darkness
You must always seek the light.
Glittering dots save eternity,
And lead with a glow so bright.

I’ve entered the gateway,
To this dungeon of the dusk.
The world where all is lifeless,
A place of speech so brusque.

This battlefield is of no matter,
Since I am fighting soley for you.
For the course of true love was never easy,
But our love will always see through.

I am not a Romeo,
And you no Juliet.
We’ve made our own love story,
But we've not yet paid our debt.

A sacrifice is necessary,
To end this story right.
Our love is much too powerful,
It shines with beauty exceedingly bright.

This love is like a flower,
Growing with emotions ever strong.
It requires tender care and nurturing,
And harmony like an angel’s song.

Only once we have we departed
From the comfort of the other’s side.
But our bond was never broken,
And our love has never died.

Our love was never easy,
And our lives were cut too short,
But it was a life well lived,
For a love of an incomparable sort.

I liked the story, but I did feel the rhyming was a little forced and the rhythm a little shaky. Try reading it out loud and tapping out the syllables with a pen or something; that will help you to keep on time. Try to keep things as clear and grammatically correct as possible – in other words, don’t twist things too much to get a rhyme out of it, it makes the poem feel squeezed and unnatural. If you’re finding it to constricting, there’s always the option of free verse that will let you unleash your ideas without having to follow a strict rhyme scheme.

I also have to say that I think the poem was a bit too long; a lot of the verses were just repeating things earlier ones had said, only in different ways. I think you should perhaps work on smoothing this out a lot and trimming it down so that there’s no extraneous information or verbiage. Also, you might want to try experimenting a bit more with some literary devices. I appreciate you’re trying to tell a story as well as convey emotion, but in my opinion you need to work harder to get the reader involved. To do this, try involving their senses and showing the way it feels, rather than telling. To give an example:

“I felt like my lungs were bursting” (telling)
“A giant fist squeezed my lungs” (showing)

Happy editing!

Cheers,
~bubbles

Hi there, angles-symphony! ash here to crit since my points have dipped dangerously low. And I have no idea why either! I had like 600 something and then poof! gone! ah well, on to your review
( although there's nothing much to critique haha)

angels-symphony wrote:Another one of those lightning struck poems xD Hope it's not all too bad.

Streaming bands of silver
And bricks lined with gold.
Planets dazzled by starlight,
And night skies left to behold. Eek!!! I love this stanza! It's so amazing and just so..so..well, you get the idea.

In this hour of darkness
You must always seek the light.
Glittering dots save eternity,
And lead with a glow so bright. I liked this one as well, though it kinda confused me, but then again, I get confused easily and must put forth all concentration into poetry. What do you mean by "lead"? lead what? sorry

I’ve entered the gateway,
To this dungeon of the dusk.
The world where all is lifeless,
A place of speech so brusque. I like how you've rhymed with these words yet your rhythm is still flowing so easily.

This battlefield is of no matter,
Since I am fighting forever for you.
For the course of true love was never easy,
But I will always see our love through. I'm not sure I liked this one as much. It seemed kind of unnecessary. You could take it out of your poem, and it would sound just fine, but that's just a suggestion

No matter what the obstacle,
I’ll journey my way there.
For you are my beloved savior,
The one I’d give my life to spare. This stanza, as well, is simply okay. It really just repeats what you have stated in the lines above that.


I am not a Romeo,
And you no Juliet.
We’ve made our own love story,
But have not yet paid our debt. I love these lines, though. Ahh brilliant.

A sacrifice is necessary,
To end this story right.
Our love is much too powerful,
It shines with beauty exceedingly bright. why is a sacrifice necessary? :S sorry, confused again


This love is like a flower,
Growing with emotions ever strong.
It requires tender care and nurturing,
And harmony like an angel’s song. No nitpicks with this one


Only once we have departed
From the comfort of the other’s side.
But our bond was never broken,
And our love has never died. In this stanza, you have begun a whole new story without following through when you say "Only once we have departed." When did you depart? why? perhaps put something in the place of "only once"? just a thought.


Our love was never easy,
And our lives were cut too short,
But it was a life well lived,
For a love of an incomparable sort. *sigh* love this. perfect ending

As usual, you have awed me with your poetry. It's just so beautiful, it always flows, and your wording is perfect in most cases.
However, this particular poem could stand to lose a few lines. For the idea of it, it's much too long. maybe try to combine your ideas into a different rhyme to make one less stanza? Merely a suggestion

you have wonderful talent, please keep writing! haha gold star

Streaming bands of silver
And bricks lined with gold.
Planets dazzled by starlight,
And night skies left to behold.

• Nice beginning. It doesn't introduce the poem's point very well, but it displayed nice imagery.
• The last line seems a bit forced with the rhyming. That's mainly because your syllables were off. You have a good five/six syllable pattern until you reach the third line which is seven syllables and not enough for the poem to bear. But, if not the third line, the last line could be altered to fit the scheme. Try "and night skies to behold." Read it out loud and you'll see that this way the stanza flows better and sounds smoother. I'm not saying to use my exact wording, but I just wanted you to get the drift of what I was asking.

This battlefield is of no matter,
Since I am fighting forever for you.
For the course of true love was never easy,
But I will always see our love through.

• Again, it's a syllable issue. Try fitting the last line so it will fit with the other lines. Like "But our love will always see through." Read the stanza with that line, and I think it will sound better and less crowded.

No matter what the obstacle,
I’ll journey my way there.
For you are my beloved savior,
The one I’d give my life to spare.

• The last line is very muddled and doesn't make sense. I mean I understand what you're trying to get at, but you haven't executed the affect well. Reword it better so that it won't read as choppily.

We’ve made our own love story,
But have not yet paid our debt.

• I think that "we've" should also be used to replace "have" in the last line. Read it out and see if that would work.

___

This poem was good. It told a sweet story of affection. But the meaning of this poem just wasn't clear. At the beginning you start with a nice little scene of beauty and then randomly come out seeking light, dungeons and battlefields. The transition between the first stanza and these isn't really that great. Quite lacking really. Add a few words to smoothly transition between light and dungeons.

Also, you've set this up like a forbidden romance, but it seems to leave that topic occasionally. Like:

No matter what the obstacle,
I’ll journey my way there.
For you are my beloved savior,
The one I’d give my life to spare.

I am not a Romeo,
And you no Juliet.
We’ve made our own love story,
But have not yet paid our debt.

A sacrifice is necessary,
To end this story right.
Our love is much too powerful,
It shines with beauty exceedingly bright.

These three stanzas have so much contrast that the reader eventually doesn't know what to think. You begin saying how you'd give your life for this person, correct? And then you deny it by saying you're not Romeo and the other isn't Juliet. Which leaves nothing to lay inbetween the two to transition between these two. Randomly, you begin saying that your love is too powerful. But before you said that you weren't Romeo and Juliet, who's love was powerful enough to get them killed. So overall, I'll say I didn't understand the motive of this poem clearly. I hope you'll edit this to make it clearer.

Anyhow, you've exhibited a good vocab, usage of literary skills and despite a few occurences, you have a good flow. Try to work to make this clearer and more precise.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody