The Future

Can I be more than I am,
If all the universe together,
Is but dust to the winds of time?
How will we be known,
many years from now?
As those who raped the earth,
and gave nothing back?
As people who spilled red blood,
for black oil?
Or perhaps as those,
Who made the world Glow-In-The-Dark?

I really liked reading this poem. I thought it started out with a great question that had me thinking from beginning to end. When I read the last part, " Or perhaps as those who made the world glow-in-the-dark", I didn't understand it at first and it made me wonder what you meant by "glow-in-the-dark", but I think that's what is so good about it. It allowed me to add my own interpretation.

Great work!

Jacintha.

Hey there, God!

I truly enjoyed reading your poem. I like how you took the cliche of dust in the wind and twisted it into something different and new. One tiny spelling mistake in the second to last line- you put 'ans' instead of 'as'. Like the reviewer above, I like how you challenged the reader to really think about how we behave and the impact we make. I love the twist in the end. It gives the poem a bit of a lighter ending while still keeping the reader thinking. Excellent job!

ummm.. lighter bit at the end?

I think you misunderstood "Glow-In-The-Dark"

well, I suppose if you mean "lighter" in a literal sense.

God,

Just out of curiosity, what did you mean by "Glow-In-The-Dark"?

mwahahaha,

well, I meant the threat of Nuclear Armageddon,

"Glow-In-The-Dark"

what did you think I meant?

Well, "or" usually suggests and alternative or an opposite. With all of the negativity you started off with by writing:

"As those who raped the earth,

and gave nothing back?

As people who spilled red blood,

for black oil?"

I though that "Glow-In-The-Dark" meant lighting up the world in a positive way. Either by bringing fourth issues that have been left in the dark, or just by simply bringing the world alive again.

That's what I like about your poem though. It can have many different meanings, depending on whose reading it.

true true,
I did not ask what we would do,
I asked how would we be remembered.

The "Glow-In-The-Dark" asking if we will be remembered at all.

if there will be anyone left to remember us.

Ohhhh. That makes sense.

Well either way it's a great poem!

Wow. Nice work! Yet, there is changes to be made...

Can I be more than I am,
If all the universe together,
Is but dust to the winds of time?
How will we be known,
many years from now?
As those who raped the earth,
and gave nothing back?
As people who spilled red blood,
for black oil?
Or perhaps as those,
Who made the world Glow-In-The-Dark?

Way too many questions! You end every single thought/ sentence, if you will, with a question mark! Think about changing that, please.

As those who raped the earth,
and gave nothing back?

Absolutely perfect visualization, and description! This line really makes you think about what we, as a community of Earth, are doing, and how.

Can I be more than I am,
If all the universe together,
Is but dust to the winds of time?

This doesn't give as much quality as the rest of the poem does. Not to mention, it doesn't go along with the rest of the poem's whole point. I don't know what to do about it, but I would think of a different lead.

Over all, great work! Like I said, I absolutely loved that one line I pointed out.

[spoiler]8/10 ... make sure the whole poem goes together![/spoiler]

you know, I thought maybe not to comment on your blatant ignorance

but after re-reading your review I felt I MUST say SOMETHING.

so we will start from the top, with me justifying why the poem is like it is.

1. the Question marks. the question marks are question marks for a not so questionable purpose, I am directing it at the reader, forcing the reader to give answers, "How do you want to be remembered?" and I feel the need to ask why you say "please?" no seriously, like it really matters to ou that all of them are question marks. the poem was intentionally written like that.

2. the beginning of the poem, "doesn't give as much quality"
and "doesn't go along with the rest of the poem.

I beg to differ, my good friend, i think it does, because while all the questions are aimed at the audience, it is still told as a problem from my point of view. the question being, "Can I do anything, to help the world at this point, and will it matter in the end?" I feel that it very much does go along wiht the rest of the poem.

It's really extraordinary. I have to disagree with most of the criticisms. The wording is fantastic, especially in the bit with "As those who raped the earth, and gave nothing back?" However, I think I remember reading something worded similarly in The Grapes of Wrath.

I feel the question marks are appropriate. Thanks for posting this and g'luck! <3

Alright,

I too looked at the criticism this poem has been given and I pondered whether or not write anything. This IS a writing forum and the purpose of this section is to get your work critiqued, but I think more importantly it's a place to be a writer. Which means standing up for your work and taking the good with the bad.

With that said though, call it the writer in me, but I have to defend this piece. Everyone is different, different people take different meanings to things, but I think this poem is absolutely perfect. Personally, I would not change a single word.

I've been looking at a few of the critique's that others have posted and I'm seeing a lot of " I don't understand it. So it must be wrong.". A part of being a good writer is being able to see the angles in which other writers write from, and to be able to throw your own point of view out the window and truly read and try to comprehend what the writer is telling you.

I'm not sure if this is what is happening here, but I thought I should mention it. It may be completely irrelevant, but anyway, I think that this poem is definitely extraordinary.

Thanks P!NK, I appreciate it.

and I've never read the "Grapes Of Wrath"

Hey God!
That poem was very .... "smack you in the face," in a good way though.[quote]


"Can I be more than I am,
If all the universe together,
Is but dust to the winds of time?
How will we be known,
many years from now?
As those who raped the earth,
and gave nothing back?
As people who spilled red blood,
for black oil?
Or perhaps as those,
Who made the world Glow-In-The-Dark?"

The best part to me is the first sentense(?). It lets the reader know haw incredibally tiny they are in all of existance. I like that is also tells us that we need to let the future generation look upon its past as somenthing good rather than destructive. Most of all, the reality that just meakes you think in simply incredible.

Thanks and keep up the great work!

KAYYO