Fantasy Romance

Averian Marie
Prologue

Geran watched as the foreign girl strolled through the castle's celebrated gardens. He had never seen such superb and astounding beauty in all of Teran. And believe him, he had seen a great many wonderfully pretty girls.But none could compare with this one. Her silky brown hair fell just past her shoulders, and her features were that of an angel. She had a slightly pale complexion, with a touch of rose in her cheeks.
But Geran also, was a miraculous beauty. He was nineteen, and crown prince of Teranad. With his tall, lean figure, and his thoughtful eyes, he was most girls dream husband. But he still had not found the right girl with that special something it took to make him happy. " Perhaps this girl may be the one," he mused. He could never guess how right he was.

Chapter One
A foreigner
Averian Marie glanced up from her books to the large bay window facing the castles stunning gardens. Not my room, she reminded herself, It is not my home, nor will it ever be. She heard the magnificent clock in the courtyard chime noon. It was nearly time to have her midday meal. She closed her books and waltzed out the door. There was a man sauntering through the passageway. He glanced over at her, then strode boldly to face Averian.
Why, hello, Madame," the stranger greeted. The stranger was stunning. He had sandy brown hair, and a face built for smiling. His grin was slightly crooked at the moment, and his eyes were the deepest green Averian had ever seen. All in all, he was a very pleasant man to look at. And obviously very kind, the greatest would be ruler of all of Teranad.
But Averian Marie had no interest in a foreign man at that time. In just two months time, she would be going back to her home country, were she belonged. " Well, I say!" he exclaimed genially. " Aren't you that ambassador, from Assyrial?"
Be courteous, Averian reminded herself, then replied,"Why, yes, I am an ambassador here from the faraway planes of AssyriacI have come to plead a peace treaty between our countries, in this time of civil unrest. My full name is Ambassador Averian Marie Genevede Huen, also crown princess over Assyriac."
" Oh, how rude of me! My name is Geran Michael Teranad, and I am crown prince of this marvelous country known as Teranad. I welcome you to our humble city."
What Geran had described as humble, really did not fit the magnificent city at all. The whole place was a mass of turrets and towers, bridges and belfries, and a maze of other buildings, including spacious living mansions for the rich and privileged.
But Averian did not care about any of the people of Teranad, she was just trying to get this over and done with, where everything was familiar, every stone, tree, and face. She had already begun to count the days to her departure, and she had just arrived. But, she mused,it would do know harm to gain the prince's ear on some of her suggestions, could it?
His captivating voice started her out of her reverie." I trust you find your accommodations to your liking," he inquired.
"Why yes, as a matter of fact", she replied." I have a remarkable view of your gardens, and very accommodating servants. Over all, it is a remarkable place!"
All the while she was silently telling to herself, Of course not!'The sheets are scratchy, everyone always wears dull, expressionless faces, and the food is horribly bland;just to name a few things. But, of course, she would never tell the prince that. It was her duty to be the gracious guest, and she would play the part correctly, or all her peace efforts would be in vain.
' Well, may I escort you to dinner, Madame Averian?'
'Well,I, I suppose.' And together they walked down the passage and to the Great Hall.

To be Continued

nice story! If you have more then I'll definetly read! A few things I noticed though:
you did not describe the princess, I really would like to know what she looks like.
You don't tell much about the prince, maybe just slip in a few words about how kind he is, like: "he was kind, kinder than any man that had ever ruled Teran. He loved his kingdonm, and his people.His heart was pure gold, people would say, those titles bothered him. He didn't like being the center of attention, but then again, when you are the crown air it is most difficult not to be." or something along those lines, I just want a reasurance that he is the good guy in the story.
Back to the princess again, she sounds most unpleasant. She sounds sort of... unkind really. Grouchy. I'm not sure how to put this, but you should make her a bit happier in my opinion. Trying to be happy with what she has. Like she's completely miserable, but she saw a rose bloom today and so she's perfectly happy because of that one rose. Try to make her laugh and smile a lot, not out of dutie. And didn't her heart pick up speed when she saw him? it was most unorthodox for girls and guys to be bumping into each other in the old times which I assume is when the story is written because of the langue. oh, and speaking of that, if you start writting in high langue, stick to it. you wrote, "I guess." not very common back then. And she stammered. Most dissrespectful milady. That's mostly it.
other than that, I liked the story! A lot! Can't wait for the next chapter, you've gotten me intruiged!

I really liked it, and if you continue it please PM me. As has been said, a bit more descripition on the princess would help quite a bit. Also, to get your readers hooked on the princess, use only one name such as Averian or Marie. You should pick one of the two. Also, use elaborate adjectives. Vividly describe the situation. It's a little something called Showing vs. Telling. We want you to show us what is happening, vs. telling a bunch of facts. All in all, though, it's really good, and the errors are nothing that goig over with a fine toothed comb can't fix.

Hi I think this is a good beginning I love the characters names too Its a really lovely story so far, I hope you write more!

And believe him, he had seen a very great many of wonderfully pretty girls.

'very' and 'of' to me sounded a bit out of place here, I think the sentence would run smoother without them.

But he still had not found the right girl with that special touch it took to make him happy.

I think you could phrase this a bit differently to sound better, 'special touch' sounded a bit odd to me here too. Maybe 'special something'? So perhaps something like 'He had still not found the right girl with that special something.'

Averian Marie glanced up from her books to the large bay window facing outside her study room.

all windows face outwards so the part about 'facing outside her study room' sounded a bit odd to me, instead you could maybe comment on it 'facing out over the castles grounds' or something similar.

" Not my room," she reminded herself," It is not my home, nor will it ever be."

Just a suggestion, but I thought this might read better as her thoughts, so perhaps in italics

She glanced at the time. It was nearly time to have her midday meal. She closed her books and hustled out the door, right into a man standing right outside her study room.

You repeat 'time' at the beginning so I'd maybe change one of them- for instance you could say she glanced at the clock on her bedside table or something like that. I'm not sure about 'hustled'- it sounded kind of strange to me here, I think you could use a better word as a replacement to describe her movements. Perhaps something about her walking swiftly? You also repeat 'right' so I'd leave out one of them to either read as 'right into a man standing outside her study room' or 'into a man right out side her study room'. If you wanted you could change either one to 'just' but I think it reads fine without it

she would be going back to her home country, were she belonged.

I think 'were' should be 'where' here.

' Be courteous,' Averian reminded herself, then replied

As this is her thoughts, I'd maybe put it into italics to avoid confusion with what she is saying out loud.

The whole place was a mass of turrets and towers, bridges and belfries, and a whole maze of other buildings

I'd leave out the second 'whole' so you are not repeating it.

But all Averian was worried about was getting this over and being on to her own country where everything was familiar,

I think this might flow easier written something like this- 'But all Averian was worried about was getting this over with and being able to return to her own country where everything was familiar'.

'But', she mused,' it would do know harm to gain the prince's ear on some of her suggestions, could it?

'know' should be 'no' and you need a ' at the end of this sentence- although I think it might be better as italics once again as it is her thoughts I think 'could' should be 'would' as you were just talking about how it wouldn't do any harm.

His captivating voice started her out of her reverie." I trust you find your accommodations to your liking," he inquired.

I think this might work better with the speech first before you mention how it snapped her out of her thoughts. As he is inquiring, a question mark instead of a comma might be better here too.

"Why yes, as a matter of fact", she countered," I have a remarkable view of your gardens, and very accommodating servants. Over all, it is a remarkable place!"

I'm not sure if 'countered' is the right word here as she is agreeing with him, so maybe something like 'she agreed' or just 'she replied'. I think 'it is a remarkable place' might be better as 'this is a remarkable place' as it is where they are

All the while she was silently telling to herself, ''Of course not!'' The sheets are scratchy, everyone always wears dull, expressionless faces, and the food is horribly bland. To name a few things. But, of course, she would never tell the prince that.

I don't think you need 'to' after 'telling' or you could change 'telling' to something like fuming/complaining or something similar which might work better as she is not telling herself something, just moaning really You need to move the speech mark to after 'name a few things' as that is when she stops thinking to herself, but as I have said before, I think italics might work better here too as otherwise it sounds like she is saying this out loud. I think you could perhaps have a dash instead of a full stop before 'to name a few things' as well to connect that sentence to the rest of the complaints.

' Well, may I escort you to dinner, Madame Averian?'

I would think he would refer to her as 'Princess Averian' instead of 'madame' and this speech needs to be in speech marks instead of just '- its the same with the next bit of speech for Averian too.

'Well,I, I suppose.' And together they walked down the passage and to the Great Hall.

I think you could better show her stuttering here by going "Well, I- I suppose.". I think you could maybe add in a sentence around here about him offering his arm to her or something and then walking down the passage to show their movements more and create a better image

Overall: Nice introduction! I think you have a good setting and it all seems lovely and romantic

I think you have done well in describing the prince and princess- I like her personality so far as well! Its good to not just have some simpering sweet princess and instead have a girl a bit different. I'd maybe add more on their voices though and perhaps their dress, seeing as its a royal setting I think the clothing could be a really good detail to add. You describe the prince's voice as 'captivating' but don't say how it is so- perhaps you could describe it so that the reader can understand why she feels it is captivating.

The way this is set out you have two separate times, I'd maybe have it so that the prince is observing her reading by looking up from the grounds at her window. That way you could have it that he decided to go up to her afterwards- just a thought though At the end as well I thought you kind of rushed it, I think you could add more to their expressions so that there is more of an image of what they are doing and how they feel. Like when he offers to take her down to dinner she could blush or avert her eyes or something like that- so the reader can really picture how off guard he has taken her. Maybe some more gestures when they are talking to one another would be good too, for instance when he mentions the city he could give a sweep of his arm to indicate it.

With speech marks I think you made a few mistakes in spacing as sometimes your speech marks were too far before the speech. The comma or punctuation used at the end was sometimes after the speech marks instead of before and things like that (I noticed it a few times but thought it might be easier just to mention now then go through and pick them all out), if you just read back through your work I'm sure you could spot them

I did enjoy this piece! I hope you write more my comments are just suggestions so ignore them if you want hope I've helped!

Go Pippie!!! All though, I was totally ready to give the big review, thanks for that!!

my comments are just suggestions so ignore them if you want hope I've helped!

Averian, this is the only comment from Pippie you can ignore. Trust me, she's the best. Oh, and you need to keep the 2:1

Your story was interesting, but like all of our stories, not perfect. All stories need work. (Sorry, I've said this to you a million times I'm sure) Even though most of this will has been edited by some excellent reviewers, I'm going to give you a review that's will be special!!! Let the review begin!!!

He had never seen such superb and astounding beauty in all of Teran.

Okaaaaay... not bad, but superb doesn't quite sound like it fits in this story. It seems like this is somewhere in the past, you know, like with Ye Olde Language. So maybe even reword it, here's an example.
His heart started to beat faster, he had never in his life seen such a fair and beautiful woman like this one. Just a short suggestion there.

And believe him, he had seen a very great many of wonderfully pretty girls.But none could compare with this one

This sentence seems almost unnecessary. You might want to consider leaving it out.

Her silky brown hair fell just past her shoulders, and her features were that of an angel. She had a slightly pale complexion, with a touch of rose in her cheeks. She was beautiful.

You've edited this since last time I read it. But, even though the edit was good, you probably shouldn't say that she was beautiful. It's repetative, and kinda obvious.

Not my room," she reminded herself," It is not my home, nor will it ever be."

Like Pippie said, you should probably italicize it, it gets confusing, especially if she's thinking to herself.

She glanced at the time.

Okay, I'm thinking she had a sundial or something? Your plot sounds like it's in the past, or at least, they didn't have watches or clocks.

Why, yes, I am an ambassador here from the faraway planes of Assyriac.

Okay, first of all, it should be lands Planes makes it sound unusual and confusing. And second, is it Assyriac, or Assyrial? You switch between the two. (Or is the prince a doofus, and doesn't know the proper name? )

'Well,I, I suppose.' And together they walked down the passage and to the Great Hall.

You bugger, you edited it. Were you afraid of my coming?
Anywho, you need a space after well, and you should probably put I-I suppose And it wouldn't hurt to add a so after suppose, it lets the sentence flow easier.


Overall, the story was good, the plot was decent, but your Prince could use more description. Oh, and your Princess should be a little more courteous. That's what they learn in their lessons. Mellow her out, don't make her so temperament and angry. And remember, you need to write this so the reader understands it. You can see it and understand it, but you have to explain it to use. It's one of the tricky things about writing. Think this over. PM me when you write again!!

Lucy Pennykettle

Hello and welcome to YWS! I hope you learn to love this place as much as I do. Now before I get ahead of myself, let me introduce myself. I am Ryan (or Colt if you prefer). I have been for just two days short of a month, but I love every second here.

I know you are new, but here on YWS, we have a rule stating that for every work you post, you must post two reviews. This is known as the 2:1 ratio, and it's one of the most important rules here on YWS. It balances the site out, making most stories get at least a few quality reviews in. This ratio rule goes for all type of writing, whether it is a poem, novel (it's preferred to post in chapters), or a short story. You must have two reviews. So I suggest doing a few reviews before posting any more work. Sorry, I probably just killed half of any welcome thread for you to start.

That's leads to my next point; I haven't checked yet so I wouldn't know, but if you haven't, I suggest going to the Welcome forum and posting a thread there so you can learn more from the Greeters there. Now it’s time for my review. I have broken it down into two parts: editing and advice.

The hardest part for me of writing is the title. It's never perfect when I pick one. I always change and change mine, but I would work on picking a title. Titles are important; they are the attention grabber of the novel. It’s what draws the reader to your novel along with the synopsis, or summary of the book.

Nice original names; I don’t recognize them from anywhere at the moment, but then again, I am half asleep. Perhaps describe Teran more. What it is? Where is it? Who lives there? Hint at a time period perhaps, whether you hint a season of era of time, it doesn’t matter, but be careful of showing, not telling.

The major problem I have with this piece is the grammar for the dialogue. It annoys me. I’ll show you points in the story where the needs fixing now...

averianmariej wrote:Untitled, for now
Prologue

Geran watched as the foreign girl strolled through the castle's celebrated gardens. He had never seen such superb and astounding beauty in all of Teran. And believe him, he had seen a very great many of wonderfully pretty girls. He was nineteen, and crown prince of Teran. With his tall, lean figure, and his thoughtful eyes, he was most girls dream husband. But he still had not found the right girl with that special touch it took to make him happy. " Perhaps (no space after “ “ ) this girl may be the one," he mused. He could never guess how right he was. (I would have this prologue so short, maybe add some description of Teran to it)

Chapter One (I would bold or use italics on titles; it’s just more pleasant. *^-^*)
A foreigner

Averian Marie glanced up from her books to the large bay window facing outside her study room. " Not (once again, “ “ ) my room," she reminded herself," It is not my home, nor will it ever be." She glanced at the time. It was nearly time to have her midday meal. She closed her books and hustled out the door, right into a man standing right outside her study room.
" Forgive (no space after “ “ ) me, Madam," the stranger apologized. He had sandy brown hair, and a slightly crooked smile. His eyes were the deepest green Averian had ever seen. All in all, he was a very pleasant man to look at. But Averian Marie had no interest in a foreign man at that time. In just two months time, she would be going back to her home country, were she belonged. " Well, (no space after “ “) I say!" the stranger exclaimed genially. " Aren't (no space) you that ambassador, from Assyrial?"
' Be courteous,' Averian reminded herself, and then replied,(space)" (no space)Why, yes, I am an ambassador here from the faraway planes of Assyriac. I have come to plead a peace treaty between our countries, in this time of civil unrest. My full name is Ambassador Averian Marie Genevede Huen , (no spaces before comma) also crown princess over Assyriac. "
" Oh, how rude of me. (exclamation point instead of period) My name is Geran Michael Teran, and I am crown prince of this marvelous country known as Teran. I welcome you to our humble city."
What Geran had described as humble, really did not fit the magnificent city at all. The whole place was a mass of turrets and towers, bridges and belfries, and a whole maze of other buildings, including spacious living mansions for the rich and privileged. But all Averian was worried about was getting this over and being on to her own country where everything was familiar, every stone, tree, and face. She had already begun to count the days to her departure, and she had just arrived. 'But', she mused,' it would do know harm to gain the prince's ear on some of her suggestions, could it?
His captivating voice started her out of her reverie." I trust you find your accommodations to your liking," he inquired.
"Why yes, as a matter of fact", (comma before ”) she countered," I have a remarkable view of your gardens, and very accommodating servants. Over all, it is a remarkable place!"
All the while she was silently telling to herself, ''Of course not!'' The sheets are scratchy, everyone always wears dull, expressionless faces, and the food is horribly bland. To name a few things. (Sentence fragment) But, of course, she would never tell the prince that. It was her duty to be the gracious guest, and she would play the part correctly, or all her peace efforts would be in vain.
' Well, may I escort you to dinner, Madame Averian?' (use “ “, not ‘ ’; no space before well)
'I, I, I, ', (err….consider revising and editing here? ) she stammered,' I guess.' And together they walked down the passage and to the Great Hall.

Overall the piece was really wonderful and amazing. It was thrilling.

Description
I would add to the description. Remember to show, not tell. How do the characters feel? Describe more on their location. I liked how you described some places.
POV
You used a great POV for this piece, you need to use it to the fullest extent.
Grammar
I am sorry, but the grammar was horrible with the dialogue, I’d study up on dialogue and punctuation. Otherwise grammar was great! Also, I’d put what they are thinking in italics, not in ‘ ‘.
Structure
Only bad thing I noticed here was paragraphs were choppy and one sentence fragments. Fragments are okay in moderation (very, very seldom) if you use them correctly.

I liked the piece, good job. I’d rate it a seven out of ten due to grammar. You chose great names in the story. I look forward to seeing future pieces.