Untitled Chapter one part two *first edit*

Hey =] Just a quick thank you to all those who have read and/or reviewed the previous parts. Your help will be appreciated on this part too! Not that much happens in this part, but I hope you enjoy it anyway xDudettex


My mind was racing and I felt sick. I could almost feel the bile rising in my throat. Great. Another gift.

“Did you see who left it?” I asked, throwing fistfuls of the red tissue paper onto the carpet beside the counter. Fortunately, aside from Mandy, there was no-one else present to see me attacking the box like a psycho.
“It was a delivery guy,” Mandy said. “He arrived a few minutes after I opened up this morning.”
“Same guy as last time?”
“Nope,” she said, handing me a folded piece of paper. My breathing seemed to falter. Taking the paper from her, I hesitated before straightening it out. My heart thumped wildly in my chest.

I saw these and I just had to get them for you. The green matches your eyes perfectly x

Abandoning the note, I tore the last layer of tissue away before my gaze rested on a black jewellery box. I lifted it out of the first packaging. Mandy’s eyes widened.
“Wow,” she gasped. “This secret admirer of yours must really like you.”
“I know,” I said, lifting the lid off to expose a pair of earrings. I could feel my head spinning. Two shiny emeralds surrounded by diamonds were reflected in my gaze. “Maybe a little too much for my liking.”

The earrings ruined the rest of my day. Tucked under the till, my eyes couldn’t help but be drawn to them. What was he thinking? No-one other than royalty could get away with wearing jewellery like that. I mean, come on. How was a girl who worked part-time in a book shop supposed to afford earrings like those?

Mandy, on the other hand, couldn’t help bringing the stupid earrings back into the conversation. How much do you reckon they cost? Do you think the emeralds are real? Aren’t you going to wear them? Her constant nagging had really tried my patience, but after being rude to her earlier, I didn’t want to annoy her further. I didn’t think that she would sack me - she doesn’t have the heart. She’s too nice, that’s her downfall. Mandy just doesn’t understand. Not the real story anyway. She would have just rolled her eyes and told me not to be so ridiculous. So I settled on the whole, ‘secret admirer’ scenario. Fortunately she believed that.

After work, I practically stomped out to my mum’s car to get a lift home. The reason for my foul mood was hidden away in the bottom of my bag. That’s where it would be staying too. I didn’t want to ever have to look inside the stupid jewellery box again. The rain had ceased and the car park was lit by the orange glow of streetlamps.

I pulled the front passenger door of my mum’s Volvo open, before clambering inside. I disguised my scowl the best I could before turning to look at her. I needn’t have bothered. She was posing in the mirror. Again. My mum is the vainest person on earth.

A couple of moments passed before she realised that I was sitting next to her.
“So,” she started, clearing her throat with a noise that sounded somewhere between a hiccup and a cough.
“Boring,” I said, clicking my seatbelt into place. “Apart from the part where the giraffe chased the hippo into Ann Summers. That was amusing.”
She didn’t even raise an eyebrow. Everyone who knew me understood that my sarcasm was a sign that I didn’t want to talk. She did another little cough, before starting the engine. Good. The sooner I’m home, the better.

The journey home had been silent. Thankfully. I don’t think I could have put up with listening to my Mum blabbering on about nonsense.

Tea time was not so quiet. There was a little voice inside my head and it wouldn’t quit pestering me. It whispered at me to look at the earrings, but I refused to listen. Come on Sadie. You know you want another look. One tiny peek won’t hurt. I could see my work bag out of the corner of my eye from where I was sitting at the dining table. Stabbing irritably at the burger on my plate, I heard a snort.

“I think it’s already dead,” my brother, Declan, said wryly, from across the table. I shot him my most reproachful look before taking another stab at my food.
“What’s wrong with you?”
I looked up at him again from beneath my fringe, but before I could even retort, Mum cut in.

“Don’t start you two,” she sighed from her spot on the sofa. Typical. She didn’t really care if we argued or not, and as long as we did it quietly so she could still hear the TV, she didn’t get involved. Unfortunately for her though, arguing wasn’t something me and Declan did quietly.

I chewed slowly on a mouthful of baked potato, before deciding that our spat wasn’t over. Even with her focus on the TV screen, where she was watching some stupid program about celebs, Mum has eyes like a hawk so I wasn’t going to risk getting caught. I slowly leaned forward.

“You’re such a loser,” I said with a slight smirk. Declan frowned.
“Freak.”
“Loner.”
“Weirdo.”
“Head case.”
“Mum. Sadie’s getting on my nerves!” Declan whined.
“Am not!” I said, my smirk widening.
“Kids!” Mum said, “will you stop it!”
“But she…” Declan started, but he quickly trailed off. I guessed that Mum was giving him ‘the look.’ Every mum has one. A look I mean. When you see it, you know you’ve crossed the line. When my Mum does hers, her whole face goes puffy and you can see the vein in her forehead pulsating.

I crossed my eyes at Declan as I pushed my plate into the centre of the table.
“Where are you going?” He said, his jet black eyebrows lowering.
“I’m not hungry anymore,” I said, getting up from my chair. “I saw your face and it repulsed me so much that I don’t think I can stomach another mouthful.”
He opened his mouth, showing off half chewed burger. I narrowed my eyes.
“Vile.”
“Spaz.”
“Pig.”
“Moron.”
“Kids!”


Thanks for reading!

Hey dear, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

throwing fist-fulls

I think it's just fistfuls.

I practically stomped out to the car after work.

At this point I was like "Huh? What happened to the bus?"

The car journey home had been in silence.

The wording's a bit weird...

“Kids!” Mum exclaimed, “will you stop it.”

Perhaps an exclamation mark or a question mark would be more suitable?

Okay...

II. CHARACTERIZATION

In the first half, Sadie seems to have the sense to understand that you can't just wear fancy earrings around... an act of maturity. However, this slowly deteriorates as she gets home. I know that people change when their families are around, but not that much... if she's old enough to be working in a shop, her fights with her brother are probably going to be verbal rather than kicking each other under the table... think about it...

III. OVERALL

Again, not very much going on... I'm waiting for a flashback to happen!

Hope I helped,

-Stella.

I really like it. When are we going to find out how this 'secret admirer' is?????

Okay... just one thing I noticed... how old is declan? Older or younger? Also, I don'tthink that you mentionsed anythign about what she does for work here eiother... It's been a while since I read the last one, so you might have mentioned it there... no, you don't!
Oh well, you could describe it in the next chapter.

One thing that I think you should add to the next part about your celebrity stalker is...
Does she know who it is? Is it a celebrity, or just a stalker in her mind?
You ruined it for us in the prologue - so I'm not sure if your MC knows yet!

throwing fist-fulls of

‘throwing fistfuls of’

of red tissue

‘of the red tissue’?

to see me looking like a psycho attacking a box.

I think this would be better as, ‘to see me attacking the box like a psycho.’

arrived minutes after

‘arrived a few minutes after’?

The green matches your eyes perfectly xx

Very creepy. I love it.

Lifting it out of the first package, Mandy’s eyes widened.

Same as last time; too many sentences starting with a verb. Maybe try: ‘I lifted it out of the packaging. Mandy’s eyes widened.’

“Wow,” she gasped, her mouth open now too.

I think omitting ‘her mouth open now too’ would be better –
‘“Wow,” she gasped.’

Those earrings proceeded to ruin my day.

This sounds a bit awkward. Maybe change it for, ‘The earrings ruined the rest of my day.’

in a book shop supposed

Huh. I thought she worked in a coffee shop.

Mandy on the

‘Mandy, on the’

Not that she would sack me. Nope. Mandy doesn’t have the heart too.

These short sentences seem awkward. Maybe just change for, ‘I didn’t think that she would sack me, though. She doesn’t have the heart.’

She would have just rolled her eyes and told me not to be so sarcastic.

Sarcastic? Having a celebrity stalker would probably labelled as ridiculous, not sarcastic.

foul mood, hidden away

‘fool mood was hidden away’

She was flirting with herself in the mirror.

Erm, since flirting often involves little touches and leaning towards people and such, I don’t think ‘flirting with herself’ is quite the sort of thing you mean? Maybe exchange for, ‘She was smiling at herself in the mirror.’

The sudden pink tinge to her cheeks told me that.

Unnecessary; omit.

“Boring,” I interrupted, clicking my seatbelt into place. “Apart from the part where the giraffe chased the hippo into Ann Summers. That was amusing.”

I giggled; I like the character’s sarcasm, here. c:

Good. The sooner I was home, the better.

Since she’s reporting her thoughts, ‘I was’ should be ‘I am’ or ‘I’m’ – you don’t generally think in the past tense.

Mum blabbering on about nonsense. She never seems to talk sense. Well, not around me anyway.

Nonsense and not talking sense are the same thing – omit the second (and third) sentences.

It screamed at me

Since it’s a ‘little voice’, maybe ‘It whispered (seductively?) at me’ would be better.

even retort, Mum had cut in.

Omit ‘had’ – ‘even retort, Mum cut in.’

The whole of the downstairs of our house was open planned, meaning the kitchen and lounge was separated by the dining table.

Not really necessary. It doesn’t add to the story – I’d delete this sentence. (Unless it’ll be important later?)

me and my brother did quietly.

Huh. I thought she was arguing with her father. Perhaps change ‘Declan said wryly’ to ‘my brother, Declan, said wryly’.

I’m guessing that Mum’s giving him ‘the look.’ Every mum has one. A look I mean. When you see it, you know you’ve crossed the line. When my Mum does hers, her whole face goes puffy and you can see the vein in her forehead pulsating.

You jumped to present tense for some reason, here. Don’t tense-jump.

“Idiotic pig.”

Cut down to just, “Pig.” I did like the insult-exchange between her and her brother, though. Very realistic.



Overall – good job! Liked this slightly more than the first half, though I do think it would maybe have been better to concentrate more on the description of the earrings; for something that ruined her day, I’d have thought that she would have looked at them quite closely. Make sure you PM me when you’ve got the next bit done. c:

Hey Dudette

Sorry I didn't have time to do this over the past couple of days, schools been really hectic but I have a bit of time now, so here goes:

Fortunately there were no customers, so there was no-one to see me attacking the box like a psycho.

This sounds a little clumsy, perhaps you'll try something more along the lines of: "Fortunately, aside from Mandy, nobody was present to witness my psychotic removal of the box's wrapper."

“It was a delivery guy,” Mandy shrugged. “He arrived a few minutes after I opened up this morning.”

Under most circumstances peoples eyes simply read over the word "said", so unless you specifically want to convey an emotion, I would stick with simply saying "said". I know that many English teachers find this monotonous, but according to some of the best writers of our time, the monotony doesn't register in most of our brains. Other words like "shrugged" simply interrupt the reader, and very often undermine the effect that the writer wanted the dialogue to have. Remember, the dialogue is important, you merely have that middle section there to let us know who's speaking.

I froze.

Taking the paper from her, I hesitated before straightening it out.

When writing as a persona from a first person perspective, it's less important to focus on your reactions than it is to focus on your thoughts. Don't tell us a reaction if it can be explained better with a thought. Under most normal circumstances the only time that you will tell us about actions, is when you can see a reaction, as opposed to a thought. This happens in third person narration, but should not happen in first person narration unless you are accounting somebody else's actions and responses to you. This point for me is sometimes the most irritating pitfall that many first person books actually carry.

“Wow,” she gasped. “This secret admirer of yours must really like you.”
“I know,” I breathed, lifting the lid off to expose a pair of earrings. I could feel my head spinning. Two shiny emeralds surrounded by diamonds reflected in my gaze. “Maybe a little too much for my liking.”

Once again, I find your use of alternative words to "said" disruptive. As it is, your dialogue is descriptive enough to not need these alternate words.

The earrings ruined the rest of my day. Tucked under the till, my eyes couldn’t help but be drawn to them. What was he thinking? No-one other than royalty could get away with wearing jewellery like that. I mean, come on. How was a girl who worked part-time in a book shop supposed to afford earrings like those?

This is a really nice paragraph. Nitpick though. It should be "Jewelry"

I didn’t want to chance getting sacked.

This is quite the confession perhaps you could be a little more subtle. Something like "I didn't want to disturb her further."

You could then continue as you did:

I didn’t think that she would sack me though. She doesn’t have the heart. She’s too nice, that’s her downfall. It’s not really her fault though. She just doesn’t understand. Not the real story anyway. She would have just rolled her eyes and told me not to be so ridiculous. So I’d settled on the whole, ‘secret admirer’ scenario. Fortunately she’d believed that.

I wouldn't change your tense. The last to sentences might read better: "So, I settled on the whole 'secret admirer' scenario. Fortunately, she believed that."

My Mum was giving me a lift home and I practically stomped out to the car after work. The reason for my foul mood was hidden away in the bottom of my bag. That’s where they would be staying too. I didn’t want to ever have to look at them again. The rain had ceased and the car park was lit by the orange glow of streetlamps.

Very nice!

I yanked the front passenger door of my mum’s Volvo open, before clambering inside.

I think that yanked is a pretty strong word when pulled would suffice.

I disguised my scowl the best I could before turning to look at her. I needn’t have bothered. She was posing in the mirror. Again. Jeez. My mum is the vainest person on earth.

I think you could develop quite an interesting thought persona if you dropped the expressions. Even if you think them, I think it would have a pretty good effect if you dropped them: So drop the "Jeez".

“So,” she started, clearing her throat with a noise that sounded somewhere between a hiccup and a cough.

Very nice.

“Boring,” I interrupted, clicking my seatbelt into place. “Apart from the part where the giraffe chased the hippo into Ann Summers. That was amusing.”

Once again, but this time ironically, you have "interrupted" the process of our reading with your substitution for "said".

The journey home had been in silence.

It had been "conducted", it had "proceeded" in silence, or it had simply been silent. It had not, however been in silence.

Tea time was just as bad. There was a little voice inside my head and it wouldn’t quit pestering me. It whispered at me to look at the earrings, but I refused to listen. I could see my work bag out of the corner of my eye from where I was sitting at the dining table. Stabbing angrily at the burger on my plate, I heard a snort.

Very nice, one question though, were you angry or aggravated?

I rolled my eyes.

Don't tell us this, it makes it sound unnatural. Do, however, leave us with enough information to imagine that someone in your situation would roll their eyes.

Typical. She didn’t really care if we argued or not, and as long as we did it quietly so she could still hear the TV, she didn’t get involved. Unfortunately for her though, arguing wasn’t something me and my brother did quietly.

Make it more personal. He's got a name for a reason.

I slowly leant forward.

If I'm not mistaken it's "leaned".

“You’re such a loser,” I whispered. A smirk tugged at the corners of my mouth as Declan looked up frowning.

"You're such a loser, " I said with a soft smirk. Declan frowned. Nothing more is necessary.

“Mum. Sadie’s getting on my nerves!” Declan whined. The baby.

Your thought person is really interesting here.

“Am not!” I protested, my smirk widening.
“Kids!” Mum exclaimed, “will you stop it!”

It's disruptive to use all of these words.

I crossed my eyes at Declan as I pushed my plate into the centre of the table.

We don't want to know what you did. We want to know what you thought. It characterizes you much better.

“Where are you going?” He glowered, his jet black eyebrows pressing down on his eyes.
“I’m not hungry,” I shrugged, getting up from my chair. “I saw your face and it repulsed me so much that I don’t think I can stomach another mouthful.”

Once again, such a wonderful conversation is spoiled by interruptions.

He opened his mouth, showing off half chewed burger. I narrowed my eyes.

Very nice!

“Vile.”
“Spaz.”
“Pig.”
“Moron.”
“Kids!”

While this is entertaining, I can't really imagine it happening.

So, basic comments: Disturbances are unnecessary. We want to know who you are. Not what you do, unless it's important.

I really like the way you seem to be handling this, although I didn't like this chapter as much as the first . You need to work on keeping a grip on us readers. This means that exchanges with your mother and brother should have some bearing on the plot. You also seem a little Mary-Sue at this stage. There doesn't seem to be any depth aside from being a typical teenager. This does need a little work. After you've let us know your character by her views, opinions, and prejudices we can form a wider and more detailed picture of her as a human being. A prospect vital in the process of making us care about her.

With a little bit of work, you could have a masterpiece here. I hope it helped.

Have a good one!

Hi again I like how you have continued! I found the arguments between her and her brother really funny, anyone who has a sibling will definitely be completely familiar with that situation!

Two shiny emeralds surrounded by diamonds reflected in my gaze.

I'm not sure if you need it but I think 'were' after diamonds might read better here

Her constant nagging had really tried my patience, but after being rude to her earlier, I didn’t want to annoy her further. I didn’t think that she would sack me though. She doesn’t have the heart. She’s too nice, that’s her downfall. It’s not really her fault though. She just doesn’t understand. Not the real story anyway. She would have just rolled her eyes and told me not to be so ridiculous. So I settled on the whole, ‘secret admirer’ scenario. Fortunately she believed that.

I'm sorry to say I didn't really like this part that much, I think you could simplify it a lot more. I'd maybe cut it down, leaving out a couple of 'though' and things like that. Maybe something like this-

Her constant nagging had really tried my patience, but after being rude to her earlier, I didn’t want to annoy her further. I didn't think she would sack me- she doesn’t have the heart. She’s too nice, that’s her downfall. Mandy just doesn’t understand. Not the real story anyway. She would have just rolled her eyes and told me not to be so ridiculous. So I settled on the whole, ‘secret admirer’ scenario.

That way its kind of more simple and straight forward

My Mum was giving me a lift home and I practically stomped out to the car after work.

I think you could mention its the end of work first, as then the reader will immediately know that time has passed. You perhaps could just rearrange it to something like- 'After work I practically stomped to my mum's car to get a lift home.'

The reason for my foul mood was hidden away in the bottom of my bag. That’s where they would be staying too. I didn’t want to ever have to look at them again.

You say 'the reason' as if it's one thing but then refer to it as 'them' and 'they' which would mean more than one- I can see why you would do this as they are earrings so there are two in a pair but it caught me a bit when reading through. You could maybe keep referring to it as one thing (as it is one pair of earrings), although for 'them' I don't think it would work referring to it as one thing so maybe saying something about never wanting to look inside the box again or never wanting to look upon the stones again to get around using 'them' Of Course, you don't really have to do any of this its just a suggestion

The journey home had been silent. Thankfully. I don’t think I could have put up with listening to my Mum blabbering on about nonsense.

Tea time was just as bad. There was a little voice inside my head and it wouldn’t quit pestering me.

You've just said the journey home was silent but then you say that 'Tea time was just as bad', you never mentioned about the journey home being bad- I kind of thought she was relieved by her mum not talking so you wouldn't really say this here. It's kind of the opposite as you mention a voice talking to her inside her head, so maybe instead you could comment on the change in quietness, for instance- 'Tea time was not so quiet.'

It whispered at me to look at the earrings, but I refused to listen.

I think it could be good here to have what the voice is saying in italics instead of telling the reader it whispered to her, perhaps showing how it tries to persuade her to take a peek.

I looked up at him again from underneath my fringe,

I'm not sure why but I think 'beneath' might sound better here than 'underneath'

I said with a soft smirk.

I'm not sure about describing a smirk as 'soft'- maybe 'small' or 'slight'?

Am not!” I said, my smirk widening.
“Kids!” Mum said, “will you stop it!”

I think for both of these 'said' you could say something better to show how they say what they do. The first said could be something like 'protested' and the second 'ordered' or 'shouted' or something similar

“But she…” Declan started, but he quickly ceased his plea.

I'm not sure about 'ceased' here, I think it sounded a bit out of place. Instead maybe something about trailing off or quickly falling silent might fit better.

“Where are you going?” He said, his jet black eyebrows pressing down on his eyes.

As its a question I'd say 'asked' here instead of 'said' and I'm not that sure on the description. I like how you are giving more of an image to her brother but I think you could maybe phrase it a bit differently as the idea of his eyebrows pressing down seemed a bit strange to me when I first read it. Maybe instead something like 'His dark eyebrows pulling low over his eyes.'

Overall: I like how you are revealing more on the main characters home life and the introduction of the brother I thought the arguments were a nice way of adding humour to an otherwise creepy story, it was a nice touch and made me smile!

I think a bit more description on the mum is needed, the brother I am getting more of an image of but the mum I was a bit confused about. At first I thought she was quite pretty as she was posing in the mirror and sounded quite vain, but then when you described her as angry she sounded kind of scary If she was usually pretty then maybe you could add in a comment from the main character about her usually prettily composed face or something like that changing to how you described it.

You mention the earrings quite a bit throughout the story but not the actual stalker- I think it might be good to bring it back to him a couple of times, perhaps in her thoughts or when she is refusing to look at the earrings. Otherwise he is kind of left out of the picture, whereas I think it would be a nice creepy idea to have him always in the back of her mind and continuing to crop up

I like how this has carried on and look forward to reading more! As always, my comments are just suggestions I'm always on my pickiest when reviewing your work as otherwise there wouldn't be any! Hope I've helped

I like this because it shows us the personality of your main character.otherwise anything I would have mentioned has already been written above, so I won't bore you by repeating it.

Hello Dudette! Sorry it took me so long to get to this one. I've been immensely busy. But I've come at last! Anyhow, I was too lazy to read the comments above, so sorry if I repeat anything you've already heard.

“I know,” I said, lifting the lid off to expose a pair of earrings.

I don't think 'said' is the best word to describe this. It's obvious she's not too happy about receiving this amazing gift, so maybe you should say '"I know," I sighed exasperatedly...' I think this will really set the mood that whoever this creeper is sending her this stuff, it's not her cup of tea.

I didn’t think that she would sack me - she doesn’t have the heart. She’s too nice, that’s her downfall. Mandy just doesn’t understand. Not the real story anyway. She would have just rolled her eyes and told me not to be so ridiculous. So I settled on the whole, ‘secret admirer’ scenario. Fortunately she believed that.

I'm not sure if I like this bit here. It sounds like she's rambling about something not very important. Do we really need to know if Mandy's too nice to sack her or not? If I were you, I'd take out this part and leave it at the sentence before this.

“So,” she started, clearing her throat with a noise that sounded somewhere between a hiccup and a cough.
“Boring,” I said, clicking my seatbelt into place. “Apart from the part where the giraffe chased the hippo into Ann Summers. That was amusing.”

I think right here would be a great time to explain if her mom knows about this secret admirer or not, since you never really specify. Is Mandy the only one who knows? Also, two other things to mention about this bit. First of all, who's Ann Summers? You kind of just threw a name we've never heard before in, unless my memory is failing me and you mentioned her previously. And the last thing to point out: seatbelt = seat belt.

“I think it’s already dead,” my brother, Declan, said wryly, from across the table.

What's already dead? The burger? Sadie?

A look I mean

Should be "A look, I mean".

“Where are you going?” He said, his jet black eyebrows lowering.

He = he

Anyway, enough with the nitpicks and such! Now onto comments and suggestions.

One thing I love is how obvious you make it that Sadie's not thrilled about this secret admirer, but she's still a little curious. I think Sadie's character is very well developed already. A problem with that, however, is that you kind of tell us too much of her character without letting us discover it ourselves. Don't tell us that people automatically know to get silent when she makes a sarcastic comment. Show it to us in her actions, in dialogue! That's what we want to see.

Another thing I would suggest is to go deeper into the looks and characters of the other characters. I can't imagine any of the characters because I don't know enough about their appearances. What does her mother look like? Mandy? Her brother? You may also want to describe the surroundings in a little better detail as well. What's her bookstore like? What does it smell like? Feel like?

And last thing I wanted to mention was that I wasn't sure if I liked how this ended. It was too... abrupt, especially considering the beginning of the chapter. The beginning was so suspenseful and eventful, and then the chapter ends at a kind of pointless scene. I like that you show the relationship between her brother and her, and even with her mum, but I think you need to expand on this scene and make it more important, worth out time to read.

Well, that is all I have to say!
-Holly

The requested critique-

Honestly, there’s not much point to this story at the moment. It’s going very slowly and I’m growing bored quickly. You need to give the reader a reason to keep going, to read 20 pages before realizing it’s been two hours. At the moment, you don’t have that. You’re too wrapped up in the dull parts of life. Do I care about them? No. I live through them every day.

I want to see what’s so special about her that she got written about (even though she’s fake.) I want to see a conflict, something that will keep me awake well into the night. Right now this is fine, but there’s no point in reading.

Try starting somewhere else in the story. If she’s going to be kidnapped by the celebrity, start with her waking up in the van. You’re starting in a rather dull spot, trying to build the story first, but in this case it just doesn’t work. You need to start in a place of action and hook us.

(Also, I finally did read your prologue, and it’s not needed. But it would make an excellent back cover to this story. =])

PM me for anything!

~JFW1415