Everlong

Everlong

Countless days, I awake, hoping for the moment where finally see the long awaited smile of my dear friend. Be it the sting of the sun in my eyes, or the pierce of precipitation from the clouds, I wake to the fact that my best friend still hasn’t returned to me. I consider my fantasies every time I think about my best friend, the one who gave me life, the reason I ever lived at all. I will always remember the battles we fought, we won. The feelings we shared when we celebrated just, being as one; and I will never forget the moment where I revealed true power to my dear friend. I became, ultimate.
No words can ever describe the feeling that overwhelms you when you finally realize the bond between yourself and your true friend. It intrigues you, and at that moment, you know that you will never make a greater connection with anyone, or anything, ever again. So I return to the place where we had first met, and I stare into the midnight sky. Maybe you will return, maybe you will hear, feel, my desperate plea for your return. I must believe. If I believe, I know that one day, I will be as one with you, once again. I will return to the place we first came together every single night until that day is upon us. If only you knew the despair I felt in this long await, with the stinging of the heat of the sand between my toes, the intense ray of the sun on my neck, the relieving breeze on my back... and the day I could care less if the heat was hot, because I had you by my side. My life, my reason, my friend. The day we can sing our favourite song, until then I hum the tune alone, as I stare up at the midnight sky, waiting, everlong.
Maybe you return to the place where you had first been brought to this world, wondering if you will ever return to the missing piece of your soul, and stare up at the midnight sky, waiting, everlong. I will never lose hope; I will never lose hope in you. I know you will return to me, I’d do anything just to have the privilege to hear your soothing voice chant my name. To feel your arms hold me tightly the day you fall from the midnight sky, staying, everlong. The fresh air fills my lungs, and the relieving feeling of dew through my fingertips on the greenest of a scarce grass. I breathe deep, and time slows down. I decide that its quite late, perhaps early, I was too tired to think about that. Besides, how could I think through these tears of frustration? I stare up to the no longer dark sky, the power of the sun overcoming the darkness of night, and it refreshes my mind of the moments of climax where every essence of energy I held possibly, were committed to making sure you were secure. Your friend, your guardian. Though I kept you alive through fierce encounters with darkness, you kept me alive by simply being there, being my best friend. So I rest my head, and decide that tonight, you will not be returning to me. My friend, I will return to the place we met tomorrows eve, and stare up at the midnight sky, waiting, everlong.

Wow, I like it! You can definetely feel the longing and regret the character is experiencing. I did find some little grammar things, though, that you should probably fix:

Erb wrote:Everlong

Countless days, I awake, hoping for the moment where I finally see the long awaited smile of my dear friend .

You need an "I" there, I believe.

Erb wrote: I consider my fantasies every time I think about my best friend, the one who gave me life, the reason I ever lived at all.

First of all, this sentence seems a bit choppy. It's also a run on. Maybe you should try to reword it, or divide it into two or more sentences instead. I think that that would make the story flow better.

I will always remember the battles we fought, the battles we won. The feelings we shared when we celebrated just, being as one; and I will never forget the moment where I revealed true power to my dear friend. I became, ultimate.

This is very, very choppy. I suggest that you rewrite this part and try to make the sentences flow together more. The second sentence is a fragment, and you don't need the comma after "just." You also do not need the comma between "became" and "ultimate."

No words can ever describe the feeling that overwhelms you when you finally realize the bond between yourself and your true friend.

What? I thought you were talking about revealing true power to your friend. So why did you suddenly jump to talking about bonds? At the very least, you need a better transition between the last paragraph and this one, or your readers are going to get confused.

If I believe, I know that one day, I will be as one with you, once again.

You don't need a comma between "day" and "I will." The comma between "you" and "once again" is also unnecessary.

If only you knew the despair I feel in this long wait, with the stinging of the heat of the sand between my toes, the intense ray of the sun on my neck, the relieving breeze on my back... and the day I could care less if the heat was hot, because I had you by my side.

The day we can sing our favourite song, until then I hum the tune alone, as I stare up at the midnight sky, waiting, everlong.

This is pretty choppy. Why do you start with "The day we can sing our favourite song"? Wouldn't it make more sense to begin with something like "I wait for the day we can sing our favourite song" instead? Otherwise, the sentence is just a fragment, and a confusing one at that.

I know you will return to me, I’d do anything just to have the privilege to hear your soothing voice chant my name.

Instead of putting a comma between "me" and "I'd," you should put a period. "I'd do anything..." should be a seperate sentence. And maybe it's just me, but when I hear the word "chant" I don't think of a soothing voice.

To feel your arms hold me tightly the day you fall from the midnight sky, staying, everlong.

Another fragment, my dear.

The fresh air fills my lungs, and the relieving feeling of dew through my fingertips on the greenest of a scarce grass.

You phrased this weirdly. Is both the fresh air and the feeling of dew filling her lungs? I certaintly hope not. I wouldn't want to feel dew in my lungs, and I don't think your character would either. You should definetely revise or reword this somehow.

I decide that it's quite late, perhaps early, I was too tired to think about that.

"Its" needs an apostrophe. And is that a tense change I see? "I was?" Shouldn't it be "I am" instead?

Besides, how could I think through these tears of frustration?

Another tense change. It should be "Besides, how can," not "Besides, how could."

I stare up to the no longer dark sky, the power of the sun overcoming the darkness of night, and it refreshes my mind of the moments of climax where every essence of energy I held, possibly, were committed to making sure you were secure.

This is quite the run on sentence. Perhaps you should put a period after "the darkness of night," and have "It refreshes" be the start of a new sentence. Long sentences are more tedious to read, and confusing, too.

Your friend, your guardian.

This is another fragment. It makes the story choppy and hard to follow. You should make it an actual sentence, like "I was your friend, your guardian." This will make the story flow better and easier to understand.

Though I kept you alive through fierce encounters with darkness, you kept me alive by simply being there, being my best friend.

It feels as though the last four words - "being my best friend" - were just tacked onto the sentence as an afterthought. They stop the flow of the sentence dead in it's tracks. Either get rid of it or make it another sentence.

So I rest my head, and decide that tonight, you will not be returning to me. My friend, I will return to the place we met tomorrow's eve, and stare up at the midnight sky, waiting, everlong.

You don't need a comma between "tonight" and "you."


This story has a good atmosphere, and I like how you repeat the phrase "waiting, everlong" throughout the story. It kind of gives it a rhyme.

However, the whole story is kind of confusing. I'm not quite sure what the character did to lose her friend, or why she's waiting for her at the place they met. You don't want to give everything away, but you should give some more insight into the story to make it less murky. The flow is also a problem. This is the kind of story that should have almost a poetic flow through it, but the fragments and run ons just ruin that.

Overall, though, I like it. Good job!

Hello! I enjoyed that little piece! I truly felt the core of emotion for your friend, or the character's longing for his friend.

I have to say, the post above me summed up everything I noticed and felt was a bit choppy in the writing. However, I do wish to say, I personally, did not quite fell over head with the emotes being written there. They were well picked, but they just felt a bit award to me.

"he power of the sun overcoming the darkness of night," - I found that line to be a bit too robotic in my eyes, of course, it is only how I felt about it. If maybe you would have changed either the night or darkness words, it would have sounded much better.

"The fresh air fills my lungs, and the relieving feeling of dew through my fingertips on the greenest of a scarce grass." I felt that part confused me a bit, I understand you wanted to describe in the most artistic way the magic of the nature feeding the character, but the phrasing came out a bit confusing and "odd", to put it simply.

All in all, I still very much liked it, I felt the sense of friendship and longing you were trying to convey, but I do believe with a bit more trial and errors in writing, you could make a reader miss a long lost friend with even more intense and stronger emotions.

Good job.

"


This story has a good atmosphere, and I like how you repeat the phrase "waiting, everlong" throughout the story. It kind of gives it a rhyme.

However, the whole story is kind of confusing. I'm not quite sure what the character did to lose her friend, or why she's waiting for her at the place they met. You don't want to give everything away, but you should give some more insight into the story to make it less murky. The flow is also a problem. This is the kind of story that should have almost a poetic flow through it, but the fragments and run ons just ruin that.

Overall, though, I like it. Good job!

thanks ! but for a few of those i have to say mostly for the "dew filling their lungs", i had never really said that i also understand my overuse of commas lol, i just type it how id say it... also, the story is considered unisex, meaning that the characters remained genderless! thanks again for your review though!

DarkTower wrote:Hello! I enjoyed that little piece! I truly felt the core of emotion for your friend, or the character's longing for his friend.

I have to say, the post above me summed up everything I noticed and felt was a bit choppy in the writing. However, I do wish to say, I personally, did not quite fell over head with the emotes being written there. They were well picked, but they just felt a bit award to me.

"he power of the sun overcoming the darkness of night," - I found that line to be a bit too robotic in my eyes, of course, it is only how I felt about it. If maybe you would have changed either the night or darkness words, it would have sounded much better.

"The fresh air fills my lungs, and the relieving feeling of dew through my fingertips on the greenest of a scarce grass." I felt that part confused me a bit, I understand you wanted to describe in the most artistic way the magic of the nature feeding the character, but the phrasing came out a bit confusing and "odd", to put it simply.

All in all, I still very much liked it, I felt the sense of friendship and longing you were trying to convey, but I do believe with a bit more trial and errors in writing, you could make a reader miss a long lost friend with even more intense and stronger emotions.

Good job.

Thanks for your review! I appreciate the constructive criticism and just for your information this is one of the first pieces of actually written lol so i would expect no less than mistakes from myself! no body is perfect after all