False Love (i didn't know what to call it soo..)

This is my first post! I hope you like it! And if you have any title suggestions, feel free to share!

My hands are clutching my script,
I watch in awe of the energy surging through the air,
He crosses the stage,
His voice booming over the buzzing fan,
My jaw slacks as I watch his fury,
The scene rises at its peak,
It is over,
He steps off the stage,
In his regular self,
Confident,
Funny,
Grinning,
If my heart beat every time he said,
"I love you."
And meant it,
I would surely be dead.

The_Gift_of_Difference wrote:This is my first post! I hope you like it! And if you have any title suggestions, feel free to share!

My hands are clutching my script,
I watch in awe of the energy surging through the air.
He crosses the stage,
His voice booming over the buzzing fan,
My jaw slacks I don't know why but i feel like slacks isn't a good word hereas I watch his fury.
The scene rises at its peak,
It is over,
He steps off the stage,
In his regular self;
Confident,
Funny,
Grinning.
This transition was very sudden you might want to add a few lines to make it seem less random
If my heart beat every time he said,
"I love you."
And meant it;
I would surely be dead.

Overall this was a great poem one of your best *high five* though there's probably punctuation and grammar issues, I'm not the best at those and you know it so don't trust my corrections TO much

Thanks! I agree with you about both things. I'll work on more lines and think of an alternative word for slacks!

Hi.

Punctuation needs help, comrade. Unforunately, I have the same problem with my writing. Though I'm quite sure that's too many commas.

Anyway, I really liked this poem. Although I think it would be better if the line about the script came in the end. Like make the people feel the intensity of the feelings happening then make it disappear into a script.

Great job. Keep writing.

--Knightly

This poem has a lot of potential, but there are some things I think you need to work on.

The first is the punctuation; I think misfit went over that pretty thoroughly, but just to reiterate - you need some full stops! The golden rule to remember is that punctuation works for poetry the same way it works for prose. Don't put a comma where it shouldn't be in a sentence, and capitalize the way you would if it were all on one line. If you do that, you shouldn't go far wrong.

Otherwise, I did have one issue - I'm really not sure about the ending. It's kind of confusing (I only got it on the second read through, although maybe that's because I'm trying to do three things at once right now XD) and might read better if you reword it, so perhaps you could play with it a little.

It's a nice concept, though, and you've pulled it off quite well. Kudos on a great piece

Cheers,
~bubbles