An Oceanic View

Standing against these waves,
My feet flogged with mud.
Shoulders hunched by problems,
a weight I cannot handle.
I can taste the salt
seeping into my wounds.

A buoy holds my body close,
Unwilling to let me wash away.
My hands are tattered with tries,
the sun above has set.
All the tides pull me back
as the night deepens.

Now the waters flood to black,
I am scared of this blindness.
I am now given time to think,
- to sway in this lovely ocean.
But, the sun inevitably rises
it brings to me new light.

My fear crashed on the shore,
Washed away to hope.

I liked it, and yet there was something lacking. I’m not quite sure what it was, so I’m going to go through verse by verse and see if I can pinpoint what’s bothering me.

Standing against these waves,
My feet flogged with mud.
Shoulders hunched by problems,
a weight I cannot handle.
I can taste the salt
seeping into my wounds.

OK, well, firstly – this gives me the impression that the poet is standing on the shore. “Against these waves” and “mud” implies a beach. I’m not sure that “flogged” is quite the right word – it seems incongruous when paired with mud, which is typically a soft, squishy substance incapable of ‘flogging’ in any meaningful sense. Perhaps you could come up with another image, or change mud to stones/gravel/sand? That might make better sense.

Also, I think you should watch out for your punctuation. You’ve basically chopped this poor sentence up into fragments! Try rearranging the structure a bit so that it flows smoothly and remains grammatically correct, if you can. Perhaps something like “Standing against these waves,/my feet flogged with [whatever],/my shoulders hunched beneath the weight/of problems I cannot handle,/I can taste the salt/seeping into my wounds.”

I do love those last two lines, though. They give it gravitas.

A buoy holds my body close,
Unwilling to let me wash away.
My hands are tattered with tries,
the sun above has set.
All the tides pull me back
as the night deepens.

Oops! How did we get into the middle of the ocean? You might want to work on creating some context there – perhaps describe the poet swimming, or drop in a mention of being pulled out before you get to the buoy part. Also, this is very passive in tone – things happen to “you,” but you don’t do anything. Try changing your sentence structures around to give it some variety and add a bit of action in there. It’s very important to try to vary things a bit, I think, because otherwise the poem sounds flat, which is what I think may be happening here.

Once again, I love those last two lines.

Now the waters flood to black,
I am scared of this blindness.
I am now given time to think,
- to sway in this lovely ocean.
But, the sun inevitably rises
it brings to me new light.

Punctuation again! I think a few more full stops in there would give this a lot more impact. “Now the waters flood to black./I am scared of this blindnss./Now I have time to think,/to sway in this lovely ocean.” Etc. I also want to know more here – why is being given time to think so frightening to the poet? You explain this in the final couplet, but you might want to think about making that segue a little smoother.

My fear crashed on the shore,
Washed away to hope.

Nice ending. A little cliché, but having it set off in a couplet gives it a nice bit of punch that overcomes this, I think.

Overall, a really lovely poem. Kudos

Cheers,
~bubbles

I liked it. The ocean and waves are great metapors that are oftern over used, but you made it fit and did it nicely.

My feet flogged with mud.

If you are at the beach, where is mud?

My hands are tattered with tries,

I didn't get it because you didn't say where the buoy was, and I don't think that it really fits.

as the night deepens.

In stead of deepens, it could be darkens. But it's just a suggestion.

Over all very good!

Kay

Fantastic. I really like this. I am a big fan of free verse poetry and I'm very picky when it comes to it, but you did a good job.

There are, however, a few things that I didn't like.
a) more of a transition type deal between the first two stanzas. What I mean by that is, you were introducing what the poem was about (1st stanza) and then suddenly you were in the ocean (2nd stanza).
b) I was going to expand on what bubbles said about your second stanza falling flat. I completely agree. That's such a deep and intense idea. You could do so much more with that.

Other than that. I thought it was good. I really enjoyed reading your poem.

~Tiger