Karaoke Blues

Karaoke Blues

The world has lost
the oppressive shadow of the sun:
tonight, we shelter our lives
in warm mellow music. Our music.
We release the violet fire
that burns within, redolent with passion,
in bitter tears tinged with the raw blue notes
of an artificial piano. The pitch matches perfectly.
And our voices dance in vivid whirlpools:
we forget for an instant
the violent torrents of the usual
nine-to-five shift, lost instead
in the swirling heat of naked summer starlight.
Our eyes chase each other into the night.

I really thoroughly enjoyed this poem especially the small descriptions like "violet fire". It was perfect and the punctuation worked very well as did the structure for the words themselves.

My favourite line was

in the swirling heat of naked summer starlight.

[spoiler]9/10[/spoiler]

Hey! Peanut here! Let's go over this;

in warm mellow music. Our music.

I would separate this into two lines. 'Our music' seems dramatic enough to be a whole other line.

of an artificial piano. The pitch matches perfectly.

I would also make this two lines. It make it flow a bit more smoothly.

And our voices dance in vivid whirlpools:
we forget for an instant

I would never, ever start a line with 'and' or 'but'. I tell everyone whom I critique that fact! So, it is not just you. There are plenty of words that could go in the space of 'and' or 'but'. I'm not saying not to use them, just don't put them at the beginning of a sentence/ line/ stanza/ paragraph!
In this case, you do not need to replace the 'and'. Just do this;

Our voices dance in vivid whirlpools:
and we forget for an instant

See? 'and' is no longer at the beginning of the line, and it makes it look better!

All-in-all, great job. This is spectacular and I hope I get to see more poetry from you!

[spoiler]9/10 move that 'and' like I suggested and your poem will have a 10 from me ! *Gold star*[/spoiler]