Tracing Constellations

5 posts
Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 335
It was my eleventh summer,
A balmy British Colombia night.
Splintery planks pressed up through our clothing as we
Lay on the narrow dock, elevated just above the lake’s surface-
Dark and gleaming and peppered with reflections of stars,
So many molten diamonds that
Danced and distorted in the languid breeze.
You reached up to trace the constellations with a fingertip,
Your words weaving visions of goddesses and monsters,
Of hapless Orion and swift Pegasus.
I wondered at the way you read the stars
Like incandescent Braille.

If I ever have a child, father,
I will lie with them beneath a summer sky brimming
With a spill of stars that sparkle like champagne.
I will trace for them the constellations
And I will think of you.
"I myself am composed entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."- Augusten Burroughs




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 440
A beautiful piece, darling--your imagery was sublime and your word choice delightfully simple (I mean that in the most complimentary way possible, I generally abhor flowery language in poetry). As a personal style choice, I'm not much of a fan of capitalizing the beginnings of every line, but of course that's entirely up to you. I especially like the "incandescent Braille"--very original. Keep writing!
"In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function...We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful." ~C.S. Lewis




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1656
Reviews 122
Very beautiful, Fireweed. The imagery was vividly clear and the voice of the narrator was amazing. You made it sound like the person really was speaking to their father. It was all combined beautifully to make an amazing poem. The metaphors and comparisons you used were, as gyrfalcon said, original. Exquisite and heartfelt. Simply stunning.
There once was a cat.
He wasn’t particularly fat.
Fuzzy was his favorite mat.
And really, that was that.

Oh, but did you really think so?
Keep reading, it’s just the start of the show!
And as for how far this tale will go…
Well, even the cat doesn’t know.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1155
Reviews 98
An amazing piece! Great job, there wasn't much wrong with it! You captured my interest at the beginning of the poem. I'd add a simile, or even a Homeric simile. Similes and metaphors help. There was a bit of personification. Lots of alliteration. No grammar mistakes! I would break the first stanza in two; it'll balance with the third stanza better.

Overall, it was great! Nice little poem.

-Colt
"We would accomplish many more things if we didn't think of them as impossible." Vince Lombardi

~You've just been ticketed by the Grammar Police! 1000 word essay fine.




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 335
Thanks so much, everyone!<3 I might be including this in a poetry portfolio I'm submitting to hopefully get a scholarship, so it's encouraging to get such positive responses.
"I myself am composed entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."- Augusten Burroughs



In the winter months, gale storms in Svalbard can reach wind speeds of 130 km/h. Accompanied by or following snowfall, such storms can reduce visibility dramatically, more so in the winter months of the polar night. During these storms, travel is not advised.
— The Documentarian