Lycanthropy

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Please comment, review. I need help ! ^o^

She felt as if a terrible monster with long claws was slashing at her skin constantly, digging deeper into her flesh until it reached her heart. It slowly ripped her heart into tiny peaces; the pain overwhelmed her. “I’m sorry,” the man had said. Sorry, she thought, sorry can’t bring Edward back, sorry can’t bring my brother back and nothing would ever bring him back to life. Nothing.
Her whole world had fallen into darkness; she was falling down and endless well, with no way of stopping herself. Tears poured from her emerald eyes and down her pale cheeks. She just sat there listening to the man. “... The bullet had ruptured a main artery in his heart. He died instantly. I am once again, truly sorry for the death of your son,” he then looked to the girl whilst adding “and brother.” He had a kind pity etched in every line of his face, that face, she hated that face; the round pink cheeks, the long nose, the five o’clock shadow. To her his face was the face of pain. The face of sorrow. The face of death. Her mother was sitting next to her, burying her face in her hands and crying. Her mother then showed the man out then returned to the room. “Oh, Ruby, Ruby,” her mother said, throwing her arms around her daughter. “Don’t you worry my baby. It’s good to cry.” Ruby sobbed into her mother’s shoulder and they shared a sad embrace, sobbing together. They sat there together for what seemed like an eternity. They sat there together for what seemed like eternity, and yet the tears kept on flowing. She thought of his penetrating green eyes, the same eyes Ruby had. And his short auburn hair that used to fall to his shoulders gracefully, but that was before he joined the army; they’d shaved it from his head. It had been two weeks since she had last seen Edward.
“Aww, come on Ruby, I’ll be back in two months, I promise,” he’d grinned down at her, giving her a farewell hug and a kiss on her cheek. “Chin up, I’ll be back.” Ruby gave him an unconvincing smile as she hugged him again crying into his chest, breathing in his scent. He smiled at Ruby, “I love you - and you Mum,” he said as he hugged his mother. “I love you both, and I’ll miss you.” He walked out of the front door dressed in his army clothes, once he was at the top of the garden path he turned around. Ruby and her mother were standing by the door, watching him walk away from them, never to come back. But he smiled sadly, blowing them both kisses and waved. “Back in two months,” he repeated. He walked away, humming as he went.
Now, he was gone; he had ceased to exist. She’d never hear his cheerful voice in the morning. She’d never feel his arms around her when she cried. She’d never smell his scent again, she’d never have those conversations she so loved, every night, on the staircase when their parents argued. She’d never, ever see him again. “Mum, he promised,” she whispered to her mother while they were sitting on the sofa, both absorbed in their own thoughts. “Promised what?” She asked.
“He promised he’d be back,” Ruby replied, looking at her lap. Her mother smiled sadly down at her.
“He didn’t know this was going to happen darling.” She wrapped her arms around Ruby as she collapsed onto her, falling into a less than peaceful sleep. Death and war occupied her dreams.


*****

Darkness.
Maybe I’ve gone blind, I don’t know. But it’s dark, jet-black. I can’t smell anything either.
Am I in a room? It’s not cold. It’s not warm either.
I can’t feel anything but fear…
A dark fear that makes me want to shake at every joint of my body. But yet, there is no movement.
Nonentity.
Maybe I’m dying, or I’m already dead. I guess I didn’t imagine the afterlife like this, I expected fluffy clouds and angels.
Maybe this is hell. What had I done wrong? I hadn’t been that bad, but I guess Hell could be like this…
I don’t remember dying.
I don’t remember anything.
Maybe I’ve gone insane…
I hope I’ve gone insane.


*****

There it was again, the snarling and growling. This man really is a crazy one, thought Jake, as he started to open the little hatch, to feed the growling man in the padded cell. “NO!” someone shouted. Jake spun round, and raised an eyebrow.
“What?” He was confused. “You asked me to guard this room, and he sounded kind of hungry...”
The man who had stopped Jake stared at him incredulously, “Not while he’s like this,” he mumbled, “Wait until the morning.” With that he walked away.
Jake stared after the man, and shrugged. He sat at the hard back chair sitting outside of the locked cell, and started to whistle. He didn’t know the reason for guarding this one room. He didn’t know why this was the only room in the hallway, or why he had to get through 5 bolted metal doors before even getting to that hallway. All he knew was that he had to do it every two weeks, and stay up all night. Soon he tired and his eyes fluttered closed, but still the growling in the cell went on.
Jake woke up with a start, “Bugger,” he murmured, glancing at his watch. It was half past seven. He checked around him, apparently nobody had noticed. Then he noticed, the noises coming from the padded cell had stopped. “Maybe he’s fallen asleep,” he mumbled.
“No I’m quite awake thankyou.” A quiet voice barely whispered. Jake’s eyes widened as he picked up the stone cold, soggy food he had made the night before. It looked fine, he wouldn’t know.
“Actually,” the voice spoke again, “I would prefer something fit for human consumption, please. I’m famished.”
Last edited by SheepMonoxide on Wed Apr 01, 2009 5:49 pm, edited 7 times in total.
“Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.” - William Wordsworth

"A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool."
- William Shakespeare


I do believe in fairies... I do! I do!!




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I liked how you began your story and how you described how the girl was feeling, but once you got to the part when she was crying you wrote:
'Crying, crying.'
I don't think you should do that, I think that you should just say 'crying.' It's the same as when you said:
'Sobbing, crying.' You should just write 'sobbing'.
And when the brother(is he Edward?) said:
'I love you, and you mum' it was kind of hard to understand what he was talking about, because I hadn't known the mother was there, you should probably(in my opinion) change the sentence to:
'You know I love you, you too mum' or something like that.
And when Ruby was listing all the things she would miss I think you should rephrase the sentence when you said
'Those conversations she so loved' to 'those conversations that she loved'.
And also, when you wrote about the dream I didn't understand who's dream it was so I think you need a little work on making that clearer(or else I'm just very stupid, I wouldn't be surprised if I was).
That's it,and I think that if you keep working on it, this will turn out really good.

P.s. I don't have any suggestions for names but I hope you come up with something awesome!
“If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country.” -E.M. Forster




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Hello! I will be reviewing this piece for you tonight. c:

scratching her skin

I don’t think that ‘scratching’ is quite strong enough to convey what’s happening here. Maybe try something like, ‘slashing her skin’?

digging deep into

‘digging deeper into’

until it had reached

Omit ‘had’:
‘until it reached’

into tiny peaces, the pain was overwhelming her

‘into tiny pieces; the pain (was overwhelming to / overwhelmed) her’

sorry.” The man

‘sorry,” the man

Sorry, she thought, sorry can’t bring him back, sorry can’t bring my brother back, nothing would ever bring Edward back to life. Nothing.

Maybe you should use quotation marks or italics to show that these are her thoughts? I had to pause and re-read a few times to make sure you hadn’t returned to the story; and you don’t want to be confusing your reader.

Her whole world had fallen into darkness; she was falling down an endless well with no source of light and no way of stopping.

I love the imagery here, but ‘with no source of light’ is unnecessary (you already said that she had fallen into darkness) – and I think that, as a whole, the sentence would flow better without it: ‘Her whole world had fallen into darkness; she was falling down and endless well, with no way of stopping (herself?).’

I am once again, truly sorry for the death of your son, and brother.”

Wait. Wait. What?
The person who has died was her son AND her brother?

his long nose

the long nose’

burying her face in her hands crying, crying.

‘burying her face in her hands and crying.’

returned to the room,

‘returned to the room.

Ruby.” Her mother

‘Ruby,” her mother’

Ruby cried into

Considering that you’ve already used ‘crying’ and ‘cry’ in this paragraph and the last, I think this would be better as, ‘Ruby sobbed into’.

they shared a sad embrace. Crying, sobbing.

‘they shared a sad embrace, sobbing together.’ would work better, I think.

They sat there crying for what seemed an eternity.

‘They sat there together for what seemed like eternity.’

Ruby cried until she felt that she had cried enough to cause a flood, but she couldn’t stop, the tears kept on coming.

Omit. I’d change this (and the sentence ahead of it) so it was just:
‘They sat there together for what seemed like eternity, and yet the tears kept on flowing.’

Flowing from her eyes as she thought about her lost brother.

Omit. We know that she is crying about her dead… relative. (Brother/son?!)

Ruby looked back two weeks. The last time she had seen Edward.

I’d change these two sentences to – ‘It had been two weeks since she had last seen Edward.’

“Aww come on Ruby, I’ll be back in two months, I promise.”

‘ “Aww, come on, Ruby. I’ll be back in two months, I promise.” ’

cheek, “chin up,

‘cheek. “Chin up,’

He smiled at Ruby, “I love you, and you mum.” He said as he hugged his mother. “I love you both, and I’ll miss you.”

‘He smiled at her. “I love you and you, Mum,” he said as he hugged his mother. “I love you both, and I’ll miss you.” ’

army gear,

Army ‘gear’? I think this would be better as ‘army clothes’, or something – ‘gear’ just sounds so… colloquial? I’m not sure, but it disrupts your story.

months.” He repeated.

‘months,” he repeated.’

At the time Ruby had no idea that she’d never see her brother again, but now it was happening.

Omit all of this. It’s unnecessary.

He was gone, he had ceased to exist.

Now, he was gone; he had ceased to exist.’

She’d never ever see him again.

I think you should use italics on ‘ever’ to emphasize it:
‘She’d never, ever see him again.’

what?” She asked

‘what?” she asked’

back.” Ruby

‘back,” Ruby’

Her mother smiled sadly down at Ruby.

We know that her mother will be smiling at her – so exchange ‘Ruby’ for ‘her’, ie. ‘Her mother smiled sadly down at her.’

to happen darling.”

‘to happen, darling.”

She wrapped her arms around Ruby as she fell onto her, falling into a less than peaceful sleep.

The repetition of ‘fell’ and ‘falling’, here, seemed really awkward. Try to rephrase this sentence?

Death and war occupied her dreams.

Ooh, ooh. I love this line. c: Short and sweet and lovely.

The sudden shift from normal writing to italics threw me – I thought it was Ruby’s dreams, but then it turned out to be someone—Jake’s?—thoughts. I think. I’m not sure; it was a confusing move from one section to the other, and I think that could be cleared up a bit.

Jake as he started to open the little hatch, to feed the growling man in the padded cell.

‘Jake, as he started to open the little hatch to feed the growling man in the padded cell.’

Someone shouted.

someone shouted.’

confused, “you asked

‘confused. “You asked’

this.” He mumbled, “Wait until

‘this,” he mumbled. “Wait until’

of the growling room,

The room isn’t growling. xD Rephrase this?

through 5 bolted metal

‘through five bolted metal’

Jake woke up with a start.

Okay… This completely took me by surprise.
If you were going for the shock value; it worked. But it confused me completely, and you might again want to make this transition a little clearer.

“Bugger.” He murmured

‘ “Bugger,” he murmured’

Half past seven.

It was half past seven.’

Waaaaaaait.
Hold up.
Jake starts talking about cameras, and I immediately thought, ‘What cameras?’ because I thought everything up until ‘Jake woke up with a start.’ was a dream. I think you really need to make him fall asleep before he awakes; this completely and totally threw me.

thank you.” A quiet voice barely whispered.

Rambling.
‘thank you,” a voice said quietly.’

Jake’s eyes widened as he picked up the food he had made the night before. It looked fine, he wouldn’t know.

Why did he pick up the food? And what would be wrong with it, anyway?

“Actually,” the voice spoke again, “I would prefer something fit for human consumption, please. I’m famished.”

Omit the speech tag: ‘ “Actually, I would prefer something fit for human consumption, please. I’m famished.”


NOTE:
This might seem really long, but most of it is just misplaced and mixed-up commas and full stops, especially in regards to speech tags. Fix that up, and this story will change from ‘pretty good’ to ‘great’, IMO. c:




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its good!!





one question though..............


why is it in fantasy fiction?

unless the story becomes more fantasy later on....then just never mind :D
I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut its self.




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Wow! What a cliffhanger! I'm itching for more! It's like the weird monster person in the padded room can read minds! Fantastic.
Just a couple of things:
--> Firstly, I definitely assumed that the dream bit was the sister/girl in her bereaved state. Having read to the end and mulled it over for a minute, I'm pretty sure that the dream is meant to be the brother who is the monster-who-is-also-a-perfectly-sane-if-possibly-a-mind-reader-man at the end. I reckon that could be clearer, but, to be annoyingly vague, I don't really see how you could do that. Hmm. I may have to think on that and get back to you. Something to think about, anyway.
--> Secondly, I thought this bit: Sorry, she thought, sorry can’t bring Edward back, sorry can’t bring my brother back and nothing would ever bring him back to life. Nothing. was confusing. At first I thought there were three different people being mentioned: Edward, her brother and someone else, who in my mind was possibly a boyfriend character and they had all had an accident. Maybe it's because I'm a bit spaced out at the moment, but that's what it seemed like to me.

Other than those two points, I thought it was really terrific. I honestly loved it, especially the girl at the beginning - you encapsulated the annoyance at the doctor brilliantly. A really awesome story, I can't wait to find out next!!




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Wow! this is really good and i can't wait for more. You informed us about the character without slowin gthe pace of the story which is one thing i have A LOT of problems with. Just a suggestion but in the first paragraph i think this bit, the pain overwhelmed her. could be rephrased to be a bit more dramatic and fit in with the rest of the description. Apart from that which is just a suggestion, ignore it if you want, the story is really good and i can't wait for more. PM me when you've posted more! :D




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I liked the first part the best, as it was the most moving. I would suggest italicizing the dream sequence, as it's written in a first-person POV, and unlike the rest of the story. I don't really know what the last piece of the story was about, you know, the piece with the man in the cage, but I'm sure it's relevant to the story. You might want to check your punctuation before submitting your work, however. I remember finding a few mistakes. Also, there's this:

"You asked me to guard this room, and he sounded kind of hungry...”

I don't believe that the ellipses is necessary.

Not a bad piece, and I enjoyed reading it.



If I'm going to burn, it might as well be bright.
— Frank Zhang