Untitled(for now)

UNTITLED(FOR NOW)
BY: ME
What do pretty, popular girls with unsafe secrets, dirty surprises, and miraculous changes have in common? They’re all my friends. But here’s the thing . . . I’m one of them.

. . . . .
Aubrey
PART 1
“Mom! Get up! You need to take me to school!” Aubrey yelled. She didn’t understand why she was the one yelling at her Mom to get up. But then again, this was her daily routine.
“Coming”, her Mom groaned back. Her Mom was an all-day fitness coach for people like Ashlee Simpson and Britney Spears. She worked when she wanted I guess you could say.
Aubrey ran back and fourth through her house in her three-inch high heels, Abercrombie “Maddie” jeans, and a light pink Aeropostale shirt making sure she didn’t forget anything.After checking her pink on pink room a third time, she realized she had everything she needed. So she ran downstairs, grabbed a banana, and hopped in her Mom’s Lexus.
On her way to her school, Caleb Greenwood All Girls Middle School, her pink Pantech Matrix vibrated, telling her that she had received a message:
Reese: Hey. I got majr gossip.
Aubrey texted back automatically, full of excitement.
Aubrey: Oh ma gawd! Gossip?. . .ma fav. Spill!
And with that message being replied to, Aubrey had just gotten herself into something she should’ve never gotten nto.

Mod: Watch the caps!

Oh, by the way, I love your avatar. Going to see them in concert soon. Anyways, this was a pretty good start to your story. Here are a few errors I found.

Ashley Simpson

I checked my Ipod. It's actually spelled Ashlee

She worked when she wanted, I guess you could say.

Aubrey ran back and fourth [s]threw[/s] through her house in her three-inch high heels, Abercrombie “Maddie” jeans, and a light pink Aeropostale shirt making sure she didn’t forget anything.

She realizes after a while she checked her pink on pink room three times.

This sentence was a little weird. Maybe you could change it to something like: After checking her pink on pink room a third time, she realized had everything she needed. Or something similar.

[s]So[/s] She ran downstairs, grabbed a banana, and hopped in her Mom’s Lexus.

Aubrey had just gotten herself into something she should’ve never gotten herself into.

This sentence was a little weird too. I get what you're trying to say but maybe you could re-word it to something like: Aubrey had just gotten herself into something she never should've gotten into. It's just the same thing without the second 'herself.'

Alright, this was interesting and I'm looking forward to seeing what you will make out of it. With what you have so far you can definitely make something very original. Good luck!

Hey there, Layla! Welcome to YWS! I'm June, and I'm going to review this for you!

Let's put corrections first, and other stuff later:

“Coming”, her Mom groaned back.

• Put that comma inside of the quotation mark, dearie.

Aubrey ran back and fourth threw her house in her three-inch high heels,

• threw in this line should be "through".

SO. Let's go on:

Unnecessary details: Watch how much information you include in your stories through info-dumping.

Info-dumping is where you present your audience with a large amount of information in an uninteresting way.

For instance, (I'm not saying that your work is uninteresting, by the way. It is interesting ) you don't need to include the brands of her clothes and her shoes. Is this a way of showing her social status?

To be honest, it's not too necessary to give this information to us at the very beginning like this. Why is this necessary in the story, dear?


I think that instead of focusing on what she has, dear, you should focus on who she is. Most likely, what she has makes who she is, but make herself the greater role. For now it seems like this character is trying too hard to be "upper-class."

You've got potential, though, dear. Keep it up!

June

Any questions? PM me!

omg you should write more of that i love how you put like your life into the story.
Am i Reese?
is that why you asked if i couuld change my name what it would be?
you had spelling errors but i wont make a big deal.
overall good.
write more of it.
oh yea what was the gossip?

woot woot chikita!! nice story wait whos Aubdry? Is that u maddie susie? i know siri's reese...oh well! write some more chapters!! i wanna read more!